I STILL KNOW
WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER
Jennifer Love Hewitt proves just how far
her talent extends past her breasts
Up until now, I Know What You Did Last Summer was the weakest of the late-90's teen horror rennaissance. I liked even Urban Legend more than that one. Now it must move aside for this one, which bares one of the worst titles I've ever heard. (even I Know What You Did Last Summer II would have been better, because it would've made logical sense)
I only saw this movie for four reasons: Jeffrey Coombs , Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts, and it was really, really, cheap. (just think about it for a moment if you think that doesn't add up) (hey, I've had complaints) And still, I somehow managed to get ripped off. If FOX ever makes a "world's most dangerous fishermen" show, you just know they're gonna run clips of this one and its predecessor.
I can't begin to express just how stupid this movie is. I mean, it's so dumb, it just makes yer jaw drop. It's the kind of movie that sucks intelligence right out of the audience, simply because of diffusion. It's that dumb. Somebody tell me how a one-armed fisherman gets the resources to a) send his kid to a fancy college, and b) sponsor a trip for four (well, five) to the Bahamas. And please, somebody tell my why this guy, whose only motivation is revenge against TWO PEOPLE, sees fit to con them into travelling thousands of miles just so he can try to kill them...AFTER killing the entire island population? Just what did these poor, annoying islanders ever do to him?
Dumb, dumb, dumb...stupidity is forgivable, though, if the movie can be scary, or at least fun. But there's not much fun here, and for scary? Gimme a break... EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of the shocks were so amply telegraphed that I could spot ALL of them, and predict which ones were going to be real and which ones were going to be the ol' "false scare by Brandy". Coombs is in but two scenes. The Fisherman wears that big hat to obscure his face, but for no apparent reason. Everybody knows who he is. At least Jason had an excuse - he got uglier with every passing film.
Yes, our survivor from the first movie wins a trip to the Bahamas in a radio contest - although the movie takes over an hour to spill the beans that oops, Rio isn't the capital of Brazil. (I mean, fucking DUH - if you wanted to surprise even the stupidest audience with this one, you should have picked a country like Uruguay or something) Along comes her roommate, played by Brandy (who I held no opinion about before this film, and who now makes my skin crawl), Brandy's boyfriend (whose "Me so horny" schtick made me pray for a hook through his head after a minute and a half) and some hapless guy named Will. Will's one of the only people who I didn't wish a horrible death on in this film. In fact, he gets in a few really good lines, especially near the ending.
The only other remotely interesting people are the voodoo-practicing dude and Jennifer Esposito as a crusty barmaid. Everyone else needed to DIE, especially this dreadlocked loser (played by Jack Black, who plays a loser in all his movies and wisely refused credit for this one) who I suppose is meant to be funny. His performance is so awful that he actually manages to fuck up the script's best line ("No, seriously, don't do that!")
Jennifer Love Hewitt tries her best, and I hear nothing but the nicest things about that girl, but she has yet to demonstrate anything in the way of range or personality, and I'm afraid that that really does leave her breasts as her most appealing aspect. Horribly sexist, but am I wrong?
I Still Know is the second-worst theatrical release I've seen this year (it still ain't as bad as Very Bad Things),and even bad movie buffs are likely to be bored by it, except for one priceless moment. Our heroine, Julie, is in one of those tanning beds, and then the evil fisherman comes in and - you'd better sit down - plastic-ties it shut!
Just think, this is only the second movie in the past year or so to tackle the possibilities of tanning somebody to death.