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THE MAILMAN (2004)
Nice effort...from the hot chicks. You know how there was that run of terrible sitcoms which starred some fat schlub married to some improbably hot chick? This movie's full of improbably hot chicks, and the movie IS the fat schlub. Hot Chick 1 is Ari Tinnen, and alongside Hot Chick 2 (Jamielyn Kane) they're the only people in this movie whose performances don't suggest that they're trying to impress somebody. Hot Chick 1 is the returning-from-college-for-the-summer girl, and Hot Chick 2 is her brother's girlfriend, who has a fight with him around the time the new mailman in the neighborhood (Rob Arbogast) somehow convinces him that he's adopted. This mailman's up to no good - you can tell, because he's always smoking. He's also rifling through people's mail, keeping some, altering others, smashing packages, putting poison in mailorder dog food - this is the kind of movie where the jar of poison is white, and has a big black skull-and-crossbones and the word POISON on it. No reason is ever given for his claim about the adoption to be taken seriously (we're told of a baby that the oft-referenced flashback, used as an intro to the movie, does not show in any iteration), and the mailman's motives remain unclear and probably irrelevant. Meanwhile, Hot Chick 3 (Danielle Petty) sunbathes topless (bless that Danielle Petty) and...well, few hot chicks are so hot that I just rewind a scene she's in just so I can see her again, but I did that here. This lady is a fucking knockout. I never thought of movies having "leagues" the way single men do, but she is way, WAY out of this movie's league. This is the kind of lady that keeps me up at night, wondering how a god that is good could put this much sexy in one person, and then turn around and make a Vincent D'Onofrio, it's just wrong. Immediately after seeing this movie, I went out and rented Teenage Cavegirl. The mailman doesn't appear to be fucking with her mail in any way, but he's fucking with everybody else's, and they inevitably complain, incurring the wrath of the mayor and his secretary, Hot Chick 4 (Diana Kauffman, who once body-doubled for the Tomb Raider chick. Nice!). Major disappointment: Hot Chick 1 cruelly teases us with a gratuitous but unrevealing shower scene, and then a similar (if shorter) bubble bath scene. Major plus: Hot Chicks 3 and 4 are lovers! Fantastic! If only this scene wasn't intercut with shots of two guys making the same faces I was making. The long series of stitches on the mailman's face on the box art are not present in this movie, and don't seem to be symbolic of anything. And not to risk spoiling things, but there maaaaaaaay be a post-climactic "OMG he's still alive!" moment. We should know by now, this isn't very frightening when it comes to regular mortal humans, when all you have to do to put him back down is, like, stab him again. Lots of obnoxious, made-to-order rock and hip-hop music which suggested to me the movie might really be a vanity project by somebody with a band; all songs are credited to either "Phat Planet Music Inc.", "Pretty Sneaky Sis" and "Trumayne", who has a bit part as a drug-dealing high-school-girl-fucking black guy who says "Dad, why you trippin'?" I'm not one to throw around the race card, but the only non-white characters here are the black mayor (okay), his TWO drug-dealing, high-school-girl-fucking sons (Hot Chicks 5 and 6 - these girls look to be in their late 20's at least, but they're topless, so I'm happy), and the hitman the mayor sends to take care of his mailman problem. I mean, did the hitman have to be black too? Did there have to be two sons? (c) Brian J. Wright 2007 BACK TO THE M's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE |