NECROPOLIS
Worse than finding out that your birth mother is Cher
Aw, fuck. Now I'm gonna have to expand the "Worst Ever" section on my website. If the notion of a woman with six breasts turns you on, this movie will probably change your mind.
Five minutes in, and it's already starting to look like a suckfest of epic proportions. A witch (you can tell she's a witch because she's in the woods and she wears black robes) with white hair goes to some anti-sacred place, chants a few praises of Satan, and goes into an embarrassingly bad dance number. No, this isn't some sort of ritual dancing - this is unmistakably a dance number. (and there's more, later in the film)
She's eventually killed for spiritually disrupting somebody's wedding, or something like that, but she swears she'll return. And return she does (as does the guy who killed her, as a reverend) - in modern New York, astride a motorcycle. She's still got on that "excessive eye makeup" thing (that normally turns me on wildly but this chick takes it way too far), and she still can't act.
She's raising an army of zombies, which she feeds with ectoplasm from those breasts. (I'm pretty sure six is the current record for most breasts on a "human" woman in the movies. If there's more, I'm not sure I want to know.) And she's looking for some kind of "ring of Satan", presumably in some pursuit of world domination. (she's also looking for a virgin to sacrifice, but hell if I knew that until she actually had the virgin in question strapped down to that pentagram) She tries getting it from this guy named Rudy, and she says she'll take away his hearing if he doesn't tell. He tells, but she deafens him anyway ? she says "I know I promised, Rudy, but I lied!" It comes as no surprise that this came out one year after Commando.
Not that the remainder of the dialogue is much more inspired. Of particular non-note is some coroner guy who talks like Sammy Davis Jr. (he calls the reverend "Rev, baby") and a prostitute with this voice which sounds more like a parody than any attempt at an accent, but I can't quite place what she's trying to parody. It's just all relentlessly inane and sloppily put together - even the one scene which promises hot lesbo action fails to pan out, not like I'd like to have seen either of them naked. (too late)
There's this silly romance between a cop and some chick with an English accent - this of course goes nowhere interesting, although one exchange just before the cop goes to investigate a suspicious suicide might have provoked a small, unintended chuckle if the rest of the movie hadn't made me so grumpy with its awfulness. ("I want you to take this." "I've never even held a gun before." "It's a .357 Mag. It'll stop anything." Uh, maybe this isn't the gun to give her if she's NEVER HELD A GUN BEFORE.)
The score is literally taken from The Alchemist, Eliminators, and Trancers. The dialogue's bad, the direction's worse, the action feeble, and acting, most pathetic of all. Even at 77 minutes long, it feels like I've lost a year of my life. Written and directed by some guy named Bruce Hickey - this is mercifully his only venture into making full-length movies.
The box cover for this movie is great - if you've already been suckered in to renting this, I can't say I blame you. But if you haven't, heed my warning - this is one of the worst movies you'll ever see. Now, you must own a hammer, right? Just carry it around the next time you expect to come across a video store. You'll know what to do.