THE SWORD & THE SORCERER (1982) Well, it delivers what it promises...sort of... This one wants, at alternate times, to be every kind of sword-and-sorcery flick. Swashbuckler, skull-splitting blugdeoneer, slapsticky farce, slime-dripping supernatural adventure...there's a bit of everything here, and that's the problem. I normally try not to hold it against things which can't make up their minds about what they're supposed to be (I usually consider this to be the viewer's problem), but it can be really bothersome if the movie can't forge these elements into a cohesive vibe for itself. The Sword And The Sorcerer feels like it was made by three or four different directors. In other words, it was directed by Albert Pyun. This movie opens with one of those totally unnecessary spoken prologues where the narrator tells us that this is a time of sorcery. Thank you, we could've figured that out from the title, or the trailer which promises us "Dungeons...and dragons!". (the only dragon in this movie is the one carved out of wood that we see in the trailer) We are taken to places with names like Tomb Island, and introduced to iron-age medical practitioners who see men with severe burns and deep hacking wounds, turn to an assistant and say "Bring a leech!" I'm thinking that these are the kind of doctors that are still cutting people's hair on the side. The evil Cromwell (Richard Lynch, who I recently found looks a lot like a female relative of mine) has devised the ultimate plan to rule the kingdom - he resurrects the demonic sorcerer Xusia (Richard "Bull" Moll) to help him in his conquest. And help him Xusia does, until Cromwell doesn't need him anymore and pushes him off a cliff. Severance packages for government work really sucked back then. Anyway, young Talon, who looks like Wesley Crusher with a mullet, gets the shit end of the stick from Cromwell's conquests, his parents killed, all that stuff. 11 years later, all grown now (and played by Lee Horsley), Talon is the leader of a troupe of honorable bandits who say things like "But sir! King Lambosia is waiting for us at Maladan!" Talon decides to help out one Prince Mikah (Simon MacCorkindale) oust Cromwell from the throne when Mikah's sister Alana (Kathleen Beller) offers him some hot lovin' for his services ("I can't wait to bed you, wench!"). Talon's sword - yes, this would be the sword of the title - is this ridiculous thing with three parallel blades. The ones on the side shoot out at opponents, leading to inevitable speculation: just how do they do this? Are the blades spring-loaded? Are there compressed-air cartridges built into the pommel? All the other swords in the movie look awfully flimsy - indeed, in one shot, Talon's sword smashes about a dozen of them in one swipe. There's even a dagger hidden in the pommel of the sword, but we don't find that out until the end of the movie. Is there anything this sword can't do? There's a weird fight with Mikah against Cromwell and some guards, where Cromwell apparently seals Mikah's defeat by distracting him with shadow puppets. Still, the action in this movie is a lot of fun whether it makes sense or not, both in a swashbuckling sense and occasionally in a more brutal, nasty sense, what with all those split-open skulls, and faces pressed into grinding wheels. Talon even gets crucified, which might remind you a bit of Conan, which came out the same year. Conan showed how tough he was on the cross by killing a vulture with his teeth. Talon shows you how tough he is by pulling his hands right off these huge-ass spikes and then jumping right into a swordfight with that giganto-sword! Man, this guy's hands are gonna be hurtin' the next day. As silly as this all is - and it doesn't get much sillier than this - The Sword And The Sorcerer does seem to be what it's intended to be, a fun, slimy sword & sorcery flick that never takes itself too seriously but also never goes so far as to lapse into knowing self-parody, y'know, wink-nudge shit. There are hot, half-naked chicks everywhere, particularly Cromwell's chief pleasure slave Elizabeth (Anna Bjorn), who gets her tongue cut out, meaning I suppose that she's been demoted. Such cruel irony, that this R-rated movie came out in 1982 when I probably would've enjoyed it the most (I was 8). The Sword & The Sorcerer's weirdest bit of infamy comes with a promise in the closing credits that a sequel, Tales Of The Ancient Empire, was on its way. It never happened. BACK TO THE S's BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE