Let me illustrate to you just what I mean by everything. I've seen a lot of movies in my day, and only a handful of them have, so far as I can see, no merit of any kind. Sure, there's a lot of movies that almost find their way to this list, but save themselves with just one, little thing. A scene with some neat music. Some interesting set design. One single measly laugh. If a movie just had one of those, it would be too good for this list.
"So bad it's good" movies don't go on this list, because they manage to entertain. Sure, it's in spite of themselves, but at least you might come away with a smile.
So proceed with caution. Don't say I didn't warn you.
And most of all - don't do what I did. Do NOT rent these movies, even out of morbid curiosity. I repeat: DO NOT RENT THESE MOVIES!!!
Fat mummy kills teenagers, one of whom is proud she's a virgin. What the hell is wrong with teenagers today? FULL REVIEW
Baby's Day Out
If Home Alone had a baby instead of MacAuley
Culkin, this would be it. I only saw this one
because it was the double feature at a drive-in
where I saw Speed. Worst kids' movie ever.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
A bunch of men all have midlife crises and go to
the beach. I only saw this because my then-friends
saw Billy Crystal (who I hate) on the box and insisted.
Conquest
Lucio Fulci's worst film, and that's saying a lot.
Stupid even by sword-n-sandal standards, I
considered it the worst movie I'd ever seen, for
about three months. FULL REVIEW
A giant saltwater croc attacks the Phillipenes, where they scarcely knowhwat movies ARE, let alone how to make good ones. (I've since been told that this wasn't made in the Phillipenes, but somewhere else. Don't remember where. Don't care.) Worst nature-runs-amok movie ever. FULL REVIEW
The Crow: City Of Angels
Worst sequel ever. I didn't even like the original, but at least that one didn't look like the film had been soaked in a used toilet. FULL REVIEW
Deadly Sanctuary
Just how many good movies about the Marquis De Sade have ever been made? That's right, NONE. FULL REVIEW
Dracula Rising
The new champion! THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE
EVER MADE. FULL REVIEW
Draghoula
Impossibly bad "drag-queen vampire" flick from
Montreal, which is a cornucopia of bad horror flicks.
Somehow manages to be worse than it sounds.
FULL REVIEW
Evolver
In the long, sad history of "video game run amok"
movies, this has to be the worst. Not even John "Q"
De Lancie could save this one. That's William H. Macy
as the voice of the robot. Think he leaves it off of
his resume these days? FULL REVIEW
The Flamingo Kid
Matt Dillon...80's teen flick...I dunno, my memory
is hazy, probably because my unconscious blocked
it out.
Gargantua
Cobbled together to cash in on the then-anticipated
opening of the American Godzilla movie, this is
without a doubt the lamest giant-monster movie
ever. Poor Julie Carmen went from In The Mouth
Of Madness to this in three short years.
Grim
Inexplicable movie about spelunkers (all trying
unsuccessfully to affect American accents) who
run afoul of a subterranean beast. FULL REVIEW
House Of Death
The worst slasher movie ever. I still don't
understand why A&E kept broadcasting this one.
Aren't they supposed to be artsy? FULL REVIEW
Amazingly, it's worse than any of the Slumber Party
Massacre movies it rips off. FULL REVIEW
Lovely But Deadly
A cheerleader stalks and knocks off the drug dealers
responsible for her brother's death. Sure, it sounds
like a fun movie. But just trust me on this one.
Necropolis
Some stupid piece of crap about this reincarnated
witch with six breasts who plans to use a zombie
army to keep herself young for eternity, which is
only about 35 minutes shorter than this movie seems.
FULL REVIEW
Next Of Kin (1992)
The most boring movie ever made. IT'S LIKE
WATCHING THE UNIVERSE DIE. FULL REVIEW
The Presence
Stupendously bad failed pilot for a TV series called
Danger Island, which thankfully never came to pass.
Starring Kathy Ireland, if that gives you an idea of the
star power at work here. FULL REVIEW
Shadey
Something about a special young man who can
project his thoughts onto film. Memory blocked.
Protection of my sanity, and all that.
Transylvania 6-5000
Execrable horror spoof. Features Michael "Kramer"
Richards from when he must have been very, very
hungry. But what's Geena Davis doing here? Worst
spoof/satire/parody ever.
True Stories
Talking Heads' frontman David Byrne demonstrates
just why his main occupation is "musician" and not
"filmmaker". I don't want to live in a world so lame
that any of these stories could be true.
Zombie Nightmare
The worst zombie movie ever, unsurprisingly from
Montreal. Stars Adam West and a rock-star wannabe
who kept his "fans" distracted by having bricks broken
on his chest, on stage. FULL REVIEW