Holy Evil: Let’s start off with the comings and goings of August 2003!

Nakedman: In August, the UCE picked up free agents Lyonell, Hooligan, Mike Anthony, Clarence T, Tweek Phoenix, “Robo-Wrassler” (aka Krispy’s Mom), and the Freak. Throughout the month the UCE lost Bad Guy, Neoprene and Krunchy.

Holy Evil: So, to fully summarize all who were around this month: they were Alex Asylum, Austin Hardy, Basketcase, Battlestone, Chainsaw Max, Clarence T, Dan Haven, Deacon Kross, death jr, Freak, Highland Terror, myself - Holy Evil, Hooligan, Krispy, Krispy's Mom, Lyonell, Mike Anthony, Mikey Ripper, Mr. Conservative, Necropus, Prototype, Rasputin, Stan Daniels, Tweek Phoenix, Voices, and… for some unknown reason… Megatron was still hanging around inactive like 5 MONTHS after the friggin Evil Empire plotline was over.

Nakedman: But what were all of these crazy cats doing? Let me tell you. At the beginning of the month Robo-Wrassler and death jr. were thrown together as a team to face the UCE and T3SOB tag champs, Stan Daniels and Dan Haven. Hell freezes over and the two pull out an unbelievable freak victory to become the tag champs! They, of course, no show their next match. Robo is pretty much never heard from again and the titles are stripped.

Holy Evil: Taking the loss bad was Stan Daniels, who last month thought he was going to win the July USOB but via the DQ of another wrassler lost it to partner Dan Haven! And oh how this seeming “losing streak” would effect him throughout the month.

Nakedman: Stan and Dan ALSO had to face each other for the UC title early in August! But the defending champ “Dan” blew it and lost via DQ.

Holy Evil: Dan Haven himself could feign innocence for the tag and UC losses though. You see, Dan Haven and Necropus were freakishly thrown through the time stream and replaced by other versions of themselves! While Necropus was replaced by Caveman Necropus, Cyborg-Dan from the future came back in time to get Dan Haven from the past to come to the future to fight for the survival of all man-kind. Cyborg-Dan stayed behind, took Dan’s place and blew the matches.

Nakedman: Stan Daniels, however, was unwilling to take the win in such a way, and instead of accepting the UC title, asked for Commissioner Fats to hold some sort of competition for it. The title is vacated.

Holy Evil: When the real Dan Haven finally got back from the future, after becoming EMPEROR Dan, he was totally shocked to find all his gold gone. Shocked enough, apparently, to be driven into a state of inactivity for quite some time.

Nakedman: Racking up the loses and depressed, Stan Daniels ran off to a 12-step Loser’s Anonymous program where he befriended a fellow loser named Raymond Fletcher. With his new loser buddy, Stan tried to get his winning streak back on track.

Holy Evil: He had a chance to succeed when he got another chance at the UC Title… but then he totally got crushed and had to have realize that maybe he was destined to be a loser! Oh yeah… and who crushed Stan Daniels in that match to win the UC title? ME! HAHAHA!

Nakedman: CRIKEY!

Holy Evil: Me and my AoD partner Mikey Ripper – Rippin Evil – were totally undefeatable throughout the month. Yes, that’s right… Mikey was back where he belonged in the AoD after the Institution fell apart.

Nakedman: Were you still all hulked up and everything?

Holy Evil: Yeah, but in August I finally figured out how to control the Hulk powers, and that’s why I was totally undefeatable.

Nakedman: Wait a minute… by “hulk powers” do you mean “stats you bought?”

Holy Evil: Moving on… After that dirty hun Neoprene had a trio of his female followers stick my fiancée Rude Girl’s head in a toilet, I was on a revenge mission against all things German!

Nakedman: Yeah. Which is why Mikey went around telling Holy Evil that everyone was German, even if they weren’t! Hahaha!

Holy Evil: What are you talking about? Those guys were all German. Why would Mikey lie?

Nakedman: Dude, Stan Daniels isn’t AUSTRIAN… he’s AUSTRALIAN! And Chainsaw Max’s real name wasn’t “Xam Wasniahc.” Xam Wasniahc isn’t even German. That’s just his name backwards.

Holy Evil: Hrm… I guess there was no reason to beat him up until his ears bled and he went deaf then, huh?

Nakedman: Oh, I’m sure there was a reason. It just wasn’t because he was German. On the other hand, you and Mikey did celebrate by eating pizza after thrashing him. And speaking of Mikey… do you remember when he revealed that his great, great grandfather was Jamal Ripper and that he was 1/16 Black!

Holy Evil: Yeah, that had to have shut up Basketcase, his former Institution buddy from July.

Nakedman: Right. After the Institution broke up, Basketcase was made an official Black man by Al Sharpton! He turned into the Whitest Black Man Alive and teamed up with Clarence T, as the team of “Chocolate Nuts,” to bitch about how there were no black title holders. Well, Mikey proved them wrong as he was totally 1/16 black! Under the influence of the lawyer Johnny Cochrane, Clarence demanded to be booked against whiteys that he could beat up. Cochrane also fed lies to Clarence about people talking about his mamma and tried to find a way to blame the August New York and East Coast power outage on the white man! Eventually though, Clarence would see through Cochrane and give him the boot.

Holy Evil: Team Black… ermm… I mean Clarence and Basketcase, got caught up in a number of conflicts with the Right Wing, who Clarence T called the “White Wing,” and the Conservative-allied Edict. Edicters Mike Anthony & Hooligan – the team “Drunk with Power” – were falsely accused of trying to run down Basketcase and Clarence T with a car. When booked against one another, Hooligan and Anthony show up at ringside for the match with some unflattering comments about Clarence T's momma – this time for real. They brawled and some heavy duty weapons like guns and knives were pulled out… sending Anthony, Hooligan, Clarence and Basketcase to jail. There Anthony and Hooligan befriended a prisoner named “Bubba” who they would bring back with them to the UCE. Bubba’s most notably moment was when he chased around Mikey Ripper trying to force backside relashuns on him!

Nakedman: Well, he had it coming. It’s about time Mikey went from rapist to the raped!

Holy Evil: Later in the month, in a match between Mikey and Basketcase… Drunk with Power rushed down to ringside with a steel chair and toook out Basketcase, no doubt in revenge for when Basketcase and Clarence T tried to frame them.

Nakedman: That Basketcase himself was a strange fellow though. Other than being convinced that he was Black, he also paraded around with his invisible, ie: imaginary, valet – Cindy. She was supermodel Cindy Crawford, only there was no proof that she was actually there. Yet not existing obviously wasn’t enough to prevent Philly Fats from booking her in a Catfight contenders match, which he did. Cindy lost of course, and Basketcase claims its because he accidentally knocked her out.

Holy Evil: I guess there is a reason he’s called Basketcase, huh?

The two both fake laugh at the cheesy joke that Holy was forced to say by the writers.

Nakedman: Basketcase also managed to pimp slap Cindy around a few times with the pimp glove that he won… or rather “lost” from Tweek Phoenix. Let me explain… Tweek Pheonix was another unusual character to premier in the UCE. For one, he had crabs. If having a VD wasn’t bad enough, in a match he got tossed into the Hudson River too. Eech. Now that is dirty!

Holy Evil: Tweek also came up with an ingenious plan to tie up his match opponents with litigation from the “Law Office of Jacoby and Fatman” to stop them from coming out to the ring to wrestle him. That way he could win all his matches as his opponents didn’t show. The plan was good on paper, but when Chainsaw Max showed up to the ring to kick his ass anyway, the plan proved unsound in practice.

Nakedman: Back to the glove story though… Tweek, who hung out with valets such as Mos Def, planned to “unleash da fever” on his opponents. And when he faced Basketcase, he promised to put his pair of “Pimp Tight Hoe Slapping Diamond Studded Pimp Gloves” on the line. The two men were destined to feud, seeing as how Basketcase didn’t appreciate Tweek for “acting Black” and the lawyer allies of both – Jacoby & Fatman and Johnny Cochrane, got tied up into some legal battles of their own. Yet in this match it was the LOSER who won the pimp glove, and Tweek managed to accidentally win the match. With his glove gone, Tweek moved on and at a Monday Mindwarp unveiled his new plan, “Da Fever 101,” a set of proposals that would create 101 New York laws that gave him great powers to arrest anyone he wanted at any time he wanted.

Holy Evil: But back to the more important story of the month, which I was trying to talk about… me. With myself being a perfected, unstoppable Hulk… Mikey Ripper needed some improvement too. Which is why I decided to give him some “Magic Mushrooms” to make him the smartest man in the UCE!

Nakedman: Yeah, but after you gave him those, didn’t he say that he was leaving the AoD to go work for Vince McMahon?

Holy Evil: Right, but then lame-ass Mr. Conservative heard about the mushrooms. He was so scared that we would kick his ass in a match that he tried a lame trick with an electric shock and bucket of water at the AoD locker room door.

Nakedman: Wow, he must have read Chainaw Max’s water and electrocution stuff from last month! Did I say read? I meant “seen.”

Holy Evil: Whatever. Me and Mikey totally beat the Right Wing team though. Then I beat the hell out of Mr. C at the “Over the Edge” PPV too.

Nakedman: Because your foreign object is so awesome.

Holy Evil: I know. Anyway, at Over the Edge, I had gotten a toxin in my system that was causing me to randomly un-hulk and re-hulk. Mr. C threw some un-hulking potion in my face to try to beat me, but I was smart enough to consume a bunch of extra hulking potion/ guacamole dip. Then he tried to trick me by telling me some story about Mikey un-hulking me so he could bang Rude Girl, and get me to run away so I could be counted out. But then Rude Girl showed up with a deadly foreign object and hit the ref, giving me the time I needed to come back, kick Mr. C’s ass and retain the Universal Carnage Championship.

Nakedman: Well, Mr. C and the Religious Right Wing sure got their hands into everyone’s business this month. As mentioned, they expanded their influence over the Edict. However, this wasn’t fully complete as Mr. C believed that Mike Anthony was a leftist spy. With influence over the Edict not being enough, they also flirted with control over Alex Asylum, Krispy and Deacon Kross.

Holy Evil: Asylum even ended up being a secret guest referee in a match between Mikey and Mr. Conservative, but the Ripper pulled out a win despite the odds! Then Asylum’s connections to the right started to fade as he became totally inactive!

Nakedman: That inactive Captain Tightass! Krispy was the second guy flirting with the right wing manipulation that I mentioned. Through his manager Nar, Krispy was fed instructions by the right wing. Neoprene, who’s three ladies had taken out Rasputin and Dan’s girl Diana in addition to Rude Girl, was attacked by Krispy at the right’s urging. But Krispy was told to tell everyone that he did it to avenge Diana… not Rasputin, as was the truth. This was so that the System wouldn’t realize the right’s control over Krispy. That control came to an abrupt halt when Necropus revealed the Right Wing’s plot to Krispy. Krispy then dumped Nar, replaced him with the new “Scar,” and teamed up with Highland Terror, seemingly confirming his alliance with the System. Yet Mr. C wasn’t willing to give up that easily, and continued to try to influence Krispy. In fact, Krispy was scheduled to fight two System members – Dan and Necro – as a punishment for dressing up like Philly Fats. The three refused to fight though, and Krispy clocked Mr. C in the head with a wooden elephant to re-affirm his position!

Holy Evil: The feud between the System and Right Wing heated up this month. System member Stan Daniels just had Battlestone no-show on him when a huge parking lot brawl broke out involving him, his loser buddy Raymond Fletcher, Hooligan, Goliath, Mike Anthony, Mike’s manager Fallen Angel, Bubba and who knows how many other thousands of people. Dan Haven returned from the dregs of inactivity and came out to help Stan, but in the wake of the fight it was made clear that Dan’s valet Diana was still against him and siding with the Conservative-allied Edict. The right also had influence over Deacon Kross. Kross teamed up with the villainous Rasputin to take out Highland Terror in a Hellraiser title tournament. This caused Deacon to come into conflict with his tag partner, Austin Hardy, and led to a T-Ex rift.

Nakedman: The Highland-Rasputin feud was also a big one. Rasputin renamed the Hellraiser Championship the “Sacrament” Championship. When Highland went to fight Rasputin to reclaim the title and give it back its proper name, Rasputin cowardly sent out his bodyguard “Goliath” in his place. Highland made short work of him and got the Hellraiser Title. But since he didn’t beat Rasputin, the latter insisted that he was still the “Sacrament” champ. They would face off again twice more, culminating in a huge PPV Hell in a Cell match. They were so evenly matched that on both occasions they fought to a time limit draw!

Holy Evil: The System-Ring Wing feud cumulated at the Over the Edge Main Event, where after a month of unofficially interfering in one another’s matches - the System and Right Wing finally were booked against one another in a grudge match.

Nakedman: Speaking of big angles with epic feuds, the Voices-Lyonell relationship was a highlight of the month. Voices and his girl Claire started off the month being stalked and terrorized by the dark, menacing Lyonell. As time went on, Voices was dragged into the dark world along with his tormentor. Going to the darkness actually became literal when Voices took up residence in the dreary boiler room. After Lyonell was mysteriously stabbed, it was actually Voices who came to his aid and saved him! The new-attitude Voices scared Claire, who retreated to Highland Terror for protection. Voices, actually a member of the System, acted as if Highland was his enemy in a match the two had. Poor voices was being pulled in so many directions… he was being pulled one way by the System and Claire, another way by Lyonell, and a third way as his mysterious past was catching up to him, notably a pack of thugs collecting owed drug money. Voices disappears at the end of the month though, ending in a mediocre fizzle what I thought was one of the more interesting angles.

Holy Evil: If you think that Voices had troubles with his past catching up to him, the Freak had it 10 times worse. Freak came in not knowing quite who he was. He went to the shrink to discuss the déjà vu that he was feeling after walking around UCE hallways. Was he someone from the UCE’s past? He had obviously repressed his past, possibly because some horrible incident that happened.

Nakedman: Kind of like a rape victim! Hrm… I wonder if Mikey Ripper had anything to do with this.

Holy Evil: Freak had to fight the inner demons in his head, but those Demons started to come out. When this happened, and The Freak came out with his demons blazing in a card he wasn’t supposed to be on to replace stabbing-victim Lyonell. He Enjoyed letting his evil out, but got on Fats’ bad side for interfering. Things would only get worse as Freak let out his inner demons for good at the PPV, accompanied by a barrage of swearing. With his past starting to emerge… would next month be the month when he realized his true identity?

Nakedman: And how about some of those other crazy things that were going on? Remember how you beat up Chainsaw Max, Holy? Well… the beating made him deaf for quite a bit of the month, but fortunately for him he got his hearing back before facing Necropus during the card where the power outage struck the UCE. Since he was no longer deaf, he had the good fortune to hear the bell ring after Necropus pinned him for a three count! Oh, what a lucky guy!

Holy Evil: Yeah, Max also put on 210 pounds in August! No, he wasn’t a tubby pile of goo, but he got back to his regular weight after an unfortunate July incident where he lost his body mass and was down to around 90 pounds. Shocking as that may be… it’s still not as surprising as when he joined forces with DEATH JR, of all people, and beat up Tweek after his 101 unveiling! Now who the hell would WANT to team up with death jr?

Nakedman: And Hooligan started a side career as a relationship advisor to the UCE stars and fans! Necropus even came and Hooligan helped advise him about his twisted and wrong relationship with Lexy Bryson, who is everything that a woman should be-

Holy Evil: – plus a penis!

Nakedman: Yeah. Lexy replaced Mortality as Necro’s leading lady in August, and after yet ANOTHER beat down by Neoprene’s 3 vixens – this time on Lexy – Neoprene finally no showed his fight with Necropus to admit that he’s totally washed up, sucks, is repetitive and dumb with his stupid vixen beatdowns, and should have never beaten me in the Bar Room Brawl! ARGH!!!!!! DAMN YOU NEOPRENE!

Holy Evil: Another interesting story involved the LACK of activity from Alex Asylum and Austin Hardy. To punish their no-showing, Commissioner Fats booked them to sell popcorn at the PPV! Alex Asylum, of course, no showed that too.

Nakedman: Austin was an adept popcorn seller though. With a brilliant “Buy 5 – Get the 6th Bag Free” scheme, and by spiking his popcorn with irresistible Namibian Oribi Hoof Juice, Austin sold big time. One of his best customers was Mikey Ripper, who lost his PPV match because he couldn’t get enough of Austin’s popcorn and stuffed himself till he was sore!

Holy Evil: Late in the month, Basketcase is put out of action as his brother, Pennance (whose name is spelled wrong), shows up and beats the heck out of him to take his place on the roster. Pennance, “The Lord of Extreme,” works a program with The Freak and realizes they may indeed have a shared past.

Nakedman: Highland Terror, in the most random moment of the month, kicks death jr. in the groin 200 times!

Holy Evil: Scrototype is out of action all month as he is occupied with the Bar Room Brawl over in Japan. This was a Bar Room Brawl that he would ultimately end up winning… kind of twice. However, he wasn’t too busy to have a couple of sit-downs throughout the month with fed reporter Rick Reason. Here’s a look at what he had to say to Reason after his first round match after he learned he was moving on to face Chevalier.

Prototype: Konnichiwa Dick-san.

Rick Reason: Bless you! Now, tell us....How is Japan?

Prototype: Well, it's like America, except all the people are smaller, and the chicks less ugly. But I don't like the Japanese. You can't trust them. Those squinty little eyes could be looking anywhere, you just can't tell. They're always spying!

Rick Reason: You're an ambassador to the game, Proto, an ambassador to the game. Anyway, Congratulations on your win, not that is was ever in doubt. Why don't you tell the fans who haven't had a chance to see the video just what took place in Japan? Did you beat him like a red headed stepchild?

Prototype: And the Muslim wife. Hatrix was big on talk and short on talent, and I schooled him. Now he's whining about me beating him, and all I can say is tough ****. He just can't accept that he's a complete waste of skin, whereas I am awesome.

Rick Reason: What was the highlight of the match for you, personally?

Prototype: It had to be the part where I won. It always is.

Rick Reason: Well, before we move onto Round Two, is there anything you want to say to Hatrix in the spirit of sportsmanship?

Prototype: Suck my balls.

Rick Reason: Gumballs...um...Prototype's own gumballs. Jawbreaker sized balls. Anyway... What a great segue for my next topic because your Round Two match calls for you to dress your opponent in a geisha costume. A geisha is, of course, a Japanese prostitute. You have to put a kimono on your opponent, put white makeup on his face, and fix chopsticks in his hair. Whoever first dresses their opponent completely in the geisha costume wins the match! It's a Geisha Girl Match! Surely this must be one of the more outrageous matches you've been in throughout your storied career?

Prototype: Well, Dick, I've been in a lot of strange matches. Big floating, fiery cage matches ... matches in rings made of sandpaper ... fights in amusement parks, zoos, golf courses and ice rinks ...all sorts of stupid gimmicks. This is just another one I have to deal with. Fortunately, I've been in touch with a camping company, and the order should arrive here in Yokahama in time.

Rick Reason: Company? Order? Just what are you planning, Prototype?

Prototype: No kimono made by mortal man would fit around Chevy's fat tush. So I've had a six-man tent adapted by Malaysian peasants.

Rick Reason: Speaking of Chevalier, he is, of course, your opponent in this match up and he prides himself as a champion of Justice and 'Good'. He and his Knights have traveled the world battling 'EVIL'. Is there any chance that you'll be intimidated by the 'Face of Faces', the Leader of the Knights, the man who is adored across the world, in Chevalier?

Prototype: History lesson, Dicky. The first time I faced Chevalier was in early 1998. Over five years ago. He beat me in a respect match, and it made me sick to my stomach to have to lie through my teeth and say good things about him. The second time I faced him was in a Stable Wars rewrite match six months later. I beat him. I've beaten Chevalier, and I've lost to Chevalier. But I haven't faced Chevalier for a long time now. And in that time, I've improved, and sharpened my game. Chevalier has stagnated, and was probably a better performer four years ago. I have nothing to fear from Chevalier. He has everything to fear from me. He's the underdog, and he knows it. I shall decimate him.

Rick Reason: So, in a way, things have come full circle then? Now, you are the master, and he is the student? He is the underdog and you're the favorite? What do you think that's doing to him psychologically?

Prototype: It could go two ways. Either he'll crumble ... or he'll respond to the pressure and produce the best match of his life. I'd love for it to be the second, because then beating him would be all the sweeter. But it's Chevy. He's too set in his ways to produce anything beyond solid work. He hasn't got it in him to do the extraordinary. And so he'll try to ... and he'll fail miserably.

Rick Reason: Is there anything you want Chevalier to know as he prepares for this match?

Prototype: It might be best if you retire after this match. Go out with some class instead of sliding further in the mire of ineptitude.

Rick Reason: Not to get too far ahead of ourselves here but...what are your thoughts on the other Bar Room Brawl Match up Pitting Avril Lavigne against Matt Piperooy?

Prototype: I don't really know anything about either of these two kids except what I saw of their round one matches. Both seem to know what they're doing. Avril is hot, but maybe a little lightweight. Piperooy reminds me of someone ... can't put my finger on it, I think he could surprise a lot of people.

Nakedman: Yeah, well, I just like any interview where people make fun of Chevalier.

Holy Evil: A few finishing touches on the month of August before we go… Rick Reason debuts the first Reason Awards at mid month. I won the first MVP award for my awesome UC title victory and a Rasputin-Lyonell match with the Freak’s interference won best match.

Nakedman: Holy Evil, Mikey Ripper and Deacon Kross head off to USOB to represent the UCE and…

Holy Evil: -AND I WIN THE USOB! ALL HAIL HOLY EVIL!

Nakedman: Yes. And we say goodbye to the Atlantis Awards and replace them with the retro “Despy’s!” Taking the Despy’s are…

Most Funny: Holy Evil
Best Catchphrase or Identifiable Character Signature: (spits) by Mr. Conservative
Best Video: Highland Terror's System Video
Best Picture: Rasputin
Wish You Were Here: Dr. Kiebler
Worst Gimmick: Battlestone as Military Man
Worst Angle: The System for Emperor Dan/Cyborg Dan/Caveman Necropus
Worst Role Player: death jr.
Worst Picture: Mikey Ripper
Best Newcomer: Hooligan.
Best Non-Match Role Player: Mr. Conservative
Best Match Role Player: Stan Daniels
Match of the Month: Stan Daniels versus Battlestone in a Parking Lot Brawl that lured just about everyone but Battlestone to show up
Best Angle: System vs. Right Wing
Most Dramatic Character: Rasputin
Best Gimmick: Highland Terror as himself, a kilt wearing Scotsman
Best Tag Team: Rippin Evil (Holy Evil and Mikey Ripper)
Best Face: Highland Terror
Best Heel: Mr. Conservative

Holy Evil: There is no time to waste though. Quickly, Tank Abbot – we must get to SEPTEMBER!!!!!!

SEPTEMBER