UCE: 2003 AWARDS SHOW

Welcome to the Universal Carnage Enterprises Award Show for 2003. There was a lot of great talent in our federation this year, and this year end awards show features that talent. Sure, there may be another more ‘Official’ UCE Year-End Award Show, but this is the only one with the categories that MATTER!

So lets start the awards show!

Breakthrough Star of 2003

This award goes to someone who didn’t really have a huge amount of Wrassle-wide name recognition before 2003, but definitely made a name for himself in the UCE this year. This is definitely a category that should be held in high prestige. Each individual has shown that they deserve ever second of the attention they have gotten.

Nominees:
Austin Hardy
Dan Haven
Highland Terror
Stan Daniels

And the Winner Is:
DAN HAVEN

Most Likely to Become a Pornstar

Hahaha! Did that last category trick you into thinking this would be a real awards show? Man, you are so gullible. This next category features a number of stars that careers could end up going in another direction. And I know that technically Kiebler wasn’t in the fed this year, but the midget porn joke HAD to be made. Oh YAYS! (*whew*… I can’t believe we almost went through a whole UCE Year in Review without saying “Oh Yays!”)

Nominees:
Wingnut, because that’s ironic with his fear of Cooties
Avril Lavinge when her career fails (it will)
Jailbait, when she turns 18
Clarence T, because his large Nubian Penis
Kiebler… because who doesn’t love Midget Porn?
Necropus, but it won’t be Straight Porn

And the Winner Is:
NECROPUS

Least Likely to Have Sex

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the first guy on this list is hideously repulsive, the second is asexual, the third will never get what he wants, the fourth technically had a girlfriend named Pebbles but come on – who is he hiding, and the last one is death jr who is… well… death jr.

Nominees:
Arsenic
Wingnut
Stormfire, especially with Stryfe
Battlestone
death jr

And the Winner Is:
BATTLESTONE (who even voted for himself)

Most Friendly

This goes out to the nice guys of the UCE. They’re charming and outgoing and seem to get along with most people. Chances are you can strike a conversation with any of these guys and not be punched in the face.

Nominees:
Stormfire
Highland Terror
Stan Daniels
Mikey Ripper

And the Winner Is:
Stormfire

Most Unpleasant to Be Around

These guys (and one gal) are JERKS! Who likes to be around them? Always brooding… always stern and serious… always beating someone up and being enraged by something. Can’t you take some medication or something? At least commit suicide, you woeful balls of hate and sadness.

Nominees:
Darkwolfe
JMan
Stryfe
Sickboy
Rasputin

And the Winner Is:
JMAN (he's not unpleasant to be around because he's mean, but because he always smelled kind of stinky)

Most Fake Beard

This year saw a ton of really, really fake beards poorly drawn onto different people’s faces. Take Dan Haven, for example.

Nominees:
Dan Haven

And the Winner Is:
DAN HAVEN

Most Fat

Is it the New York style pizza? Maybe it’s all the Coney Island hot dogs. Or maybe it’s in the water. We don’t know, but a lot of HUGE stars have been in the UCE this year. Get it? HUGE! Har har har har!

Nominees:
Philly Fats
Tony Gooch
Fat Holy Evil
Clarence T (phat)
OFM
Chevalier

And the Winner Is:
CHEVALIER

Most Annoying Reporter Catchphrase

Do you read the reporter’s news reports? If so, you probably get pretty annoyed when you hear the same things said over and over again. Especially when those things are RETARDEDLY STUPID!

Nominees:
“Remember, Marine Pollution Ain’t Funny” – Atlantis
“Don’t open up the box” – Pandora
Howling, and the whole dumb Radio DJ Shtick – Rick Reason
“Never Bet Against God” – Rick Reason

And the Winner Is:
RICK REASON, Stupid Radio DJ Gimmick

Best UCE Superhero

I’ve always thought that we should just throw away the whole “wrassle” part of wrassle and remake it so that instead of pretending to be wrestlers we should all be superheroes instead. You know, everything would be the same but instead of cards there would be hero rescue missions you had to do… instead of buying Liontamers you’d buy x-ray vision…and instead of brawlers, shoot fighters and high-flyers you’d have superhumans, vigilantes and mutants or something. I dunno. Does it sound dumb to you? Maybe the numerous people who decided to run super hero gimmicks this year would agree with me.

Nominees:
Captain Stormerica
Hulk Holy Evil
Captain Planet (Austin)
Spider Dan
The Green Stantern

And the Winner Is:
CAPTAIN STORMERICA

Best Tits (Visual Category)

As a helpful reminder to what these racks look like, so you can judge the category for itself with visual evidence, I have provided pictures. Check these huge bazoombas out and tell us the best “tag team” you saw in the UCE during 2003.

Nominees:

(Ginger, Mortality, Jailbait, Haley, Jennifer, Diana, Veronica, Pebbles, Stryfe and Philly Fats)

And the Winner Is:
PHILLY FATS

Most Offensive Gimmick
(to some known as “Most Funny”)

Some people are easily ffended. All I can say is at least Mikey Ripper didn’t have a “Blowin’ Up in 03” picture this year. Those of you who are more sensitive may want to turn and look away. Those of you who are like me should now point and laugh.

Nominees:
Gentleman Shakes Babies
Mikey Ripper’s Continuous Correlation with Rape
Fed Killers Go On Islam Jihad
People drag around Wingnut’s Dead Body
Quincy Rivera-Goldstein, the Legless Homosexual Mexican Jew

And the Winner Is:
MIKEY RIPPER THE RAPIST

Best Tag Team That Never Existed

What if some interesting combinations of people were put together via randomization? Those teams would need new names. Let’s take some people who were in the UCE in 2003 and team them up and name them! Sound like fun?

Nominees:
Stormfire & Dan Haven: “Fire Dan Haven!”
Megatron and Positron: “Megatron” (haha… get it?)
Highland Terror and Battlestone: “High and Stoned”
Mortality and Head: “More Head”
Bad Guy and Sickboy: “Bad Boys”

And the Winner Is:
MORE HEAD!

Best Wingnut Tag Teams That Never Existed

There was Mannuts with Nakedman, Arsenuts with Arsenic, Nutripperz with Mikey Ripper, and a bunch of others too. Let’s face it, they’re are almost too easy to put in the last category, and these are some fictitious teams that deserve some recognition of their own. *ugh*… Nut Pus. That is freaking me out.

Nominees:
Krispy & Wingnut: “Krispy Nuts”
Nick Bronze and Wingnut: “Bronze Nuts”
Philly Fats and Wingnut: “Fat Nuts”
Wingnut and Necropus: “Nut Pus”
Soap Opera Man and Wingnut: “Soapy Nuts”

And the Winner Is:
FAT NUTS

Most Unable to Hear

Huh? What? Could you repeat that again? Man, a lot of people went deaf this year in the UCE.

Nominees:
Empozible, after he went Deaf
Chainsaw Max, after he went Deaf
Mike Anthony, after Ear is torn off
The Old, Geriatric System

And the Winner Is:
OLD SYSTEM

Best Technological Device

The rise of technology has allowed people in the UCE to do a lot of strange and innovative things: mind switching, laser beams that do this and that, and warming bread. Yes, in case you didn’t know Toaster WAS a UCE manager back at the beginning of the year. I was wondering if Cyber-Dan Haven counted as technological device or person, but gave up and figured it was better to not mention him again. Ooops, I think I just did.

Nominees:
Arsenic’s Body Swapping Device
The Lame Ray that Turned People into Wusses
Quincy’s Gay-Ser that Turned People Gay
Mr. C’s Mind Control Ray
Holy Evil’s Robotic Suit
Toaster

And the Winner Is:
TOASTER

Most Awesome Magical Powers

Who needs advanced technology when you can just whip up stuff whenever you need it using magical powers? I considered nominating Stormfire’s short-term narrator Jesus, but figured people would take that to mean I was calling him a magician or something. Oh come on, like pulling a coin out of a fish’s mouth and turning water into wine isn’t street magician stuff!

Nominees:
Zeus
Priestess
T-Ek’s Shaman
Mikey & Holy’s Magical Mushrooms

And the Winner Is:
ZEUS

Most Memorable Statue of Liberty Moment

Being in New York, people are bound to hop, skip and jump to the Statue of Liberty and screw around there. And when you log on every day needing sometime to post about, there she is in the UCE logo… mocking you… telling you that you’re not good enough.

Nominees:
Austin Hardy & Nick Bronze (w/ Highland Terror) try to blow up Statue of Liberty
Statue of Liberty submerged in Chesapeake Bay by Council of AoD Villains
Zeus brings Statue of Liberty to Life
Statue of Liberty Does Nothing While You Stare at Damn UCE Logo for Hours Every Day

And the Winner Is:
STATUE OF LIBERTY DOES NOTHING

Most Black Man

This is a category that should not be forgotten. We had many African American Stars here in the UCE and picking between them is like trying to chose between your children. Now if only these children could find their fathers that ran out on them... OH SNAP!

Nominees:
Clarence T
Afro Jackson
Austin Hardy (He's Namibian)
Deacon Kross (He's Namibian)

And the Winner Is:
CLARENCE T (duh)

Best Man in a Dress

And to finish things off here, cross dressing is always popular in this fed. I’m not quite sure why. Maybe it’s related to this fed’s clown fetish or something.

Nominees:
Mikey Ripper as Michelle Ripperheimanson
Stormfire as Styrfe (aka Stryfire)
Highland Terror as himself
Arsenic in Old Lace’s Body

And the Winner Is:
HIGHLAND TERROR