Holy Evil: Arriving in the fed for the first time at the beginning of December was Super Macho, and he was followed by several returning stars: Sickboy, Haley, Bad Guy and Alex Asylum - who showed up as “Hades.” At least I think Alex Asylum was returning, it’s so hard to tell if he was in the fed in the last month or not.

Nakedman: I know, he no shows so much, who can remember when he’s in the fed? In hid defense, he did a lot better at showing up as Hades. Though he DID no show the first match back he had as Alex Asylum after the whole Hades thing was over.

Holy Evil: Yeah. Leaving the fed this month were Chainsaw Max, Violent K, Krispy, Nightlife, and Snake. Mike Anthony also disappeared, but he didn’t “leave” as he was replaced by the face-painted, talking dog with back problems, Neden.

Nakedman: I was just thinking to myself how the UCE needed more dumb animals because obviously Wingy’s monkey, Proto’s dog and past animals like Mittens the AoD Cat and Atlantis the Dolphin just WEREN’T ENOUGH!

Holy Evil: Well, while we’re on the subject, Neden teamed up with Hooligan and formed “K-9s with Power.” Neden was booked in a series of singles matches where he actually had a pretty impressive winning streak. First he beat Cannibal, whom was accused of trying to bite off Neden’s… uhh… well, lets just say he was accused of trying “Bob Barker” him, only with his teeth. Neden then moved on to face and defeat the very over, and oft naked, luchadore Super Macho. After that it was a battle of two bitches as Neden was set to face Haley.

Nakedman: Well, you know. Neden is a male dog so it’s not really a battle of bitches because-

Holy Evil: -SILENCE! No one would have noticed if you didn’t say anything! Anyway, Neden’s streak stopped there as Haley picked up the victory.

Nakedman: The dog’s partner Hooligan had some winning ways himself. Hooligan moved his way up through the ranks to eventually get a shot at the UC Champ, Chevalier. In a controversial match, which we’ll go in to a bit more later, Hooligan picked up a loss to Chevy. When Chevy learned about the controversy, he tried to say Hooligan was the true champ, but Fats wouldn’t hear of it and instead put Hooligan in an 4-way match for the vacant NC title. Oh, and Hooligan had some more tension with Mr. C, and his relationship with Veronica Hilliard was just as tumultuous again this month. First Veronica was out again, until she came back… but then got in hot water for messing with Neden’s face paint. It’s all very odd with the Edict. Why could the Edict be upset with her trying to clean off a dog’s face? I mean it’s not like Neden was just Mike Anthony dressed up like a dog the whole month anyway, was it? OH WAIT! IT WAS! And this was revealed at a stunning match between Neden and Basketcase at the “Dust and Air” PPV!

Holy Evil: Haley was the next newcomer to the fed, kind of. She had been here last month to call some match commentary and be around her husband Basketcase, but now she was here for good.

Nakedman: WHAT THE HELL?! She’s married to Basketcase?

Holy Evil: Yeah. It’s some open marriage thing, I dunno. Anyway, add her to the list of people who hear voices in their head after she became completely unstable after losing her pregnancy at the end of the last month.

Doctor Abortion: HAHAHA!

Holy Evil: Haley was hearing voices that she thought were coming from her very dead, very unborn child telling her to do evil things. And not helping her any with her mental state were the actions that surrounded her this month in the UCE. First off, Super Macho dropped his pants to her in a match they had against one another in which a purple condom would end up playing a significant factor. That condom came back as Mikey Ripper’s dreaded foreign object in a bout where Haley would mace Mikey, only for Mikey to reveal that the UCE had a convenient eyewash station all along! Haley also had quite a bit of interaction with her old “friend” Kyra. But reaching out to the emotionally hurting Haley was do-gooder Chevalier.

Nakedman: Yes, Chevalier wanted to help Haley through her tough times, even if his French overseers didn’t approve. You see, after a series of losses, the French government decided that the Face of Faces should be monitored and surrounded by a “helpful” management team that could provide suggestions to him. They advised against taking up Haley as a chore – correctly – but Chevalier did so anyway. Not all the filthy froggies had to say must have been bad though, as Chevalier found his winning ways again by defeating the god Zeus and moving on to win back the UC Championship from Mr. Conservative. Aiding in this was the fact that Chevy’s management team placed a monitor at ringside to show the ref everything that Mr. C might try to pull behind his back.

Holy Evil: Chevalier and Haley formed the team “Voice of Justice,” reluctantly on Haley’s behalf. They moved up the ranks fast and took on the Tag Champions Rasputin and Mr. Conservative for the belts and for T3SOB representation. With Rasputin distracted by a lot of other things such as a feud with Sickboy, a softening image, and the Lethal Lottery – he couldn’t put up anything and the Voice of Justice plowed over Church and State to take the titles. Even with their winning, Chevy and Haley were a dysfunctional team and it seemed Haley had more contempt for Chevalier every day while Chevy went out of his way to help her.

Nakedman: In the earlier mentioned match UC match between Chevy and Hooligan, there was interference from Haley, Mr. Conservative and Chevy’s French managers as Chevalier retained on what may have been a fast count. Disgusted with everything that was going on, Chevalier finally fired the management team and offered the title to Hooligan. The title drop didn’t happen, and some suggest that the only reason Chevy attempted it was to avoid facing the title’s next number one container at the PPV: Haley.

Holy Evil: Before the PPV, Haley ditched a charity event with Chevy and ran into her husband Basketcase at a bar. The two were throwing back drinks until Chevalier showed up and demanded to take Haley home for her safety. Basketcase would have none of it and a fight broke out between the two where both accidentally hit Haley.

Nakedman: The whole mess ended up sending Chevalier and Basketcase to jail for the night, and Haley soon got thrown into the slammer herself after getting pulled over for driving while intoxicated.

Holy Evil: Finally, at the Dust and Air PPV, the Chevalier-Haley situation broke down in two matches. First off, they had to face each other for the UC Title, and secondly, they fell apart completely in a Tag Title match against the Gothic Warriors where Haley didn’t show at first, but then did and delivered nothing but pain to Chevalier, attacking Chevy allowing the titles to go to Count Justice and Virtue Knight.

Nakedman: YES! THE GOTHIC WARRIORS, BABY! Forget that French “Knight” when we can talk about awesome knights of ye olde Britain.

Holy Evil: At the end of November, and through December the Gothic Warriors and some of their AoD buddies got caught up in the horrors of: THE FUTURE AoD! Out of a time portal came Future Count Justice and Future Virtue Knight. Only they weren’t from our future, but the Gothic Warrior’s future which was still our past. They were two 19th Century Englishmen: a Robber-Barron aristocrat and his servant. Joining them was the future version of Nakedman: the TermiNAKEr, Future Stormfire: who was Stormfire from tomorrow, Future Highland Terror: who was Highland T and an AoD member, and numerous other people from the future such as a future version of myself and an old-then-dead Future Wingnut.

Nakedman: The TermiNAKEr, a spooky robot vision of my inevitable sad fate, tried to explain the future of the world to the AoD while they were up to their crazy antics, such as getting the Mr. T-like Highland T onto a plane and fighting off villainous creatures from the future like a killer turkey and Mecha-Hitler. Yet the timeline started to go crazy as the 19th Century Future Gothic Warriors were then replaced by the Future-er Gothic Warriors from the 20th Century who were Fascist Soldiers. After their brief stint, the time portal replaced them with the Future-er-er Gothic Warriors. These Gothic Warriors were almost exactly like the original ones since they liked to slay Moors, spoke English funnily, and were obsessed with killing, war and conquest. The only difference was that the Future-er-er Gothic Warriors were President George W. Bush and Secretary of State Colin Powell!

Holy Evil: Not liking the “Un-American, Freedom Hating” AoD, Bush and Powell unilaterally began a war by having US troops invade the AoD locker room to find their Weapons of Mass Destruction and begin a “regime change.” Bush declared that Iraq, Iran, North Korea and the AoD Locker Room were all part of the “Axis of Holy Evil.” The invasion wasn’t easy as numerous helicopters crashed all about. Eventually, most every AoD member was captured and sent to the Guantanamo Bay Internment Camp and the people of the AoD Locker room, the AoDi, were “liberated” in Operation Installing Liberty (OIL).

Nakedman: In the meanwhile, the Council of AoD Villains was pleased to hear that the days of the AoD were at an end. At the beginning of December, they had gotten angrier and angrier at the continued failures to take down the AoD. Bruce Campbell had invested in top of the line “S-Mart” guns to shoot the AoD with, but it proved unnecessary when the AoDi people were liberated and the AoD sent to Guantanamo. In fact, the AoD-haters were natural allies as Bush named Bruce Campbell as the new democratically-elected-with-no-one-else-on-the-ballot AoD leader.

Holy Evil: But then the AoD escaped from Guantanamo and came back to restore control! Infuriated, the Council of AoD Villains grabbed their guns and headed out to a Tag Title Contender’s match where the escaped original Gothic Warriors were taking on the team of Danibal. The Council proved to be horrible shots though, and kept missing. When Bush and Powell came out to help finish off the Gothic Warriors, the bullets hit though… only the wrong guys!

Nakedman: As Bush and Powell lay motionless and bleeding on the ground, but not dead because that would be against UCE policy, the swirl of the time vortex that had created the Future AoD angle came back and sucked everything in – unmaking the entire future. Fuming that his Council of Villains lackeys had not only missed their targets but HIT their only allies that were going to make him leader of the AoD, Bruce Campbell called it quits and stormed off. With their heads hanging in shame they dispersed and Gary Coleman hit the light switch in the Council’s apartment for the last time to end the Council of AoD Villains.

Holy Evil: Not long after this, the fans started to get fed up with the AoD. It became apparent that the only thing making the AoD cool and popular was the fact that they kept accidentally beating the bumbling AoD villains. Now the fans turned their backs on the AoD and for the rest of the month booed them, causing some AoDers like Stormfire to make steps to separate himself from the stable.

Nakedman: But all month long there was a certain separation between the AoDers. Apart from a short time at the beginning, Stormfire distanced himself from the Future business and carried on his budding relationship with Stryfe. Stryfe, Wingnut and Mikey Ripper had pretty much nothing to do at all with the AoD, and therefore completely escaped internment in the AoD Locker Room invasion!

Holy Evil: At the beginning of the month, Stryfe was bruised, cut and left for dead in the boiler room when “the sickness” started to get to her. Kyra was battling the evil within that was telling her to destroy everything that had to do with her old boyfriend and Ex-Stryfe, Rory. It was actually Rasputin who showed up to aid her at first, but then the protests of Illyana and the arrival of Haley with booze to ease the voices in both of their heads, and then Stormfire forced Rasputin to kick her out.

Nakedman: Stormfire then took Stryfe home himself, where Kyra actually started to get a little forward with him, sexually. Stormy was a bit scared by her and was too much of a gentleman, so it stopped there. After that, Haley showed up again and found herself in a bitch-fight with Stryfe. Stormy grabbed the popcorn and watched until he got knocked down in the raging fight and his Spiderman underwear were exposed. But then for some reason Haley and Stryfe KISS… which makes me groan, and then I stop paying attention to what is going on and ignore everything that happens afterwards.

Holy Evil: What happened afterwards was the blossoming of a relationship between Stryfe and STORMFIRE, not Haley. Even if Stormy knew that Stryfe coming on to him at the time was wrong, he did start to develop new feelings for Kyra. The beginnings of a courtship were at hand. This, of course, put Stormfire at odds with his fellow AoDer Mikey Ripper – who also wanted Stryfe.

Nakedman: Yeah, but that wasn’t the only Stormfire-Ripper tension this month, I know that! At the beginning of the month, Mikey made it apparent that he wanted to dump his “Stripper” tag team with Stormfire to team up with Bad Guy and form “Bad Company.” This didn’t happen immediately, as the two had already won a contender’s match together and still would have to be a team until they lost. Eventually they did lose, but their animosity had begun even before that as Stormy learned of Mikey’s wishes to go. In their final match together, Stormy and Wingy fought Mr. C and Rasputin. During the match, Stormfire tried to buddy up with Rasputin to get the mad monk to beat up Mikey. Rasputin was sensitive about brainwashing issues involving his relation with Dan Haven, and Stormy through fuel on the fire by claiming that Mikey once tried to brainwash him! Add to that this whole jealously over who gets Stryfe and Mikey’s accusations that Stormy was a “girlfriend stealer” and –BAM– the two former tag partners stop speaking to each other!

Holy Evil: Stormy may have lost a tag partner, but I’d say he traded up his cards since he was getting someone with breasts. Stormy worked with the Concept of Heterosexuality, who had left the Council of AoD Villains ranks, to woo Stryfe for himself. Fortunately for Stormy, Heterosexuality was also Cupid… but unfortunately at Stormy and Kyra’s big date he shot his love arrow into Stryfe’s eye, sending her to the emergency room. After she was released, Stormy refused to call it the end of the night and Stormy took Stryfe to Taco Bell to try to salvage the date. When Stormy helps Stryfe eat her Taco, the beginnings of bonding can be seen, or at least Stormy hopes!

Nakedman: After the Gothic Warriors were done with the Future AoD and Villains business, they seemed to push Stormfire to make a decision between the AoD and anti-AoDer Stryfe. With the AoD’s popularity plummeting and his love growing, the choice seemed easy. But then Stormfire saw a shocking report which revealed that Kyra’s old lover Rory may actually still be alive!

Holy Evil: With Kyra late for another date, Stormy feared that she had seen the report and rushed back to Rory, crushing his heart. But then Stormy ran into Stryfe who was engaged in a brawl with Sickboy! Kyra was just about to kill Sickboy when Stormy pulled her away from making a huge mistake.

Nakedman: Mikey dealt with the “losing” of Stryfe, who he never really had, by occupying himself with a lot of other business. When he wasn’t teaming up with Bad Guy he also spent some time working on the campaign to elect Basketcase as Governor of Connecticut and even worked as Haley’s shrink! Mikey also brought his young daughter Christina Ripper into the fed and spent the end of the month wasting away in the Inactive’s Lounge before heading off to SAFE at the end of the month.

Holy Evil: The Final AoDer, Wingnut, had a lot of insane business of his own. Early on he had a run in with Gary Coleman, who he mistook for a very small gorilla. Gary hoped to use the case of mistaken identity to infiltrate the AoD, but all that really ended up happening was Wingnut getting shoved into the closet of discarded AoD gimmicks where the Concept of Heterosexuality was cruisin’ for chicks. Oddly enough, the two become friends and Heterosexuality attempts to mentor Wingnut and mold him into a chick-loving mackdaddy.

Nakedman: One of the first ways to get rid of Wingy’s cootie-phobia was to dress him up in a nice lounge suit and open-necked satin shirt that exposed his chest hair, which was rainbow colored like the hair on his head. Add to that a bunch of cheesy jewelry and Heterosexuality thought he made himself a fellow chick-magnet machine, GIGGITY GIGGITY! In a match with Highland Terror, Heterosexuality saw Highland’s Skirt and told Wingy to go hit on the hairy legged chick… fortunately nothing came of that (I hope!). But Wingy soon caught the eye of Hera, queen of the gods and bitch of Olympus. She took Wingnut up with her and ravaged him. Wingnut escaped and shivered in a blanket for the next few days until the messenger god Mercury came to deliver gifts to him. First was a cootie-shot to restore his strength, but later came TESTECLES, his new son via Hera, now already a grown man!

Holy Evil: With all this craziness you’d think Wingnut would want a break. Well he did. Towards the end of the month he got tired of some complaints by Cannibal’s about not getting a fair deal and Wingy’s personality turned serious. Wingy looked to give up his silliness and be a new man – until he learned that Cannibal would be leaving at the end of the year. Would he turn back silly and join the main AoD faction? The rest of the AoD started to come together at the end of the year, even Stryfe perhaps, putting behind their differences despite the newfound AoD unpopularity. Would Wingy join the fray again? That’s a question for 2004.

Nakedman: And in case you were wondering about that whole Hera, Queen of the gods business… Well my friend, it may be hard to believe, but the UCE had a lot of divine visitors this month, especially to the Cabal locker room.

Holy Evil: Proto died at the end of his Bar Room Brawl match with Necropus at the end of November, and not surprisingly he was sent straight to hell. By God? No… by ZEUS! Zeus descended from Olympus and built himself a throne in the Cabal locker room and decided to screw around with the mortals. And by screw I don’t NECESSARILY mean have sex with, but yes, I do MOSTLY mean that. All is going well until his brother Hades shows up. The two argue over which one gets to be Magnifico’s partner and eventually Zeus declares that it is he who shall tag with Mags (RIP).

Nakedman: Yeah, and while Zeus was away – Alex Asylum was left in charge of Olympus, where he picked up deity-like powers himself. One of his acts involved coming down to zap away Demeter, who kept weeping outside the ring about her daughter. You see, her Daughter was Hades’s wife Persephone, who pretty much did all the fighting instead of Hades. Persephone was also Zeus’s daughter, Zeus’s niece, Hades’s neice, etc., etc., you get the picture with these friggin’ inbred Greeks.

Holy Evil: With Zeus’s reputation infamous, it was easy for people to find ways to distract him. One time a dozen New York hookers were called up to ringside during a match to distract Zeus because of his well known love for coveting the ladies. In the same match, against Chevalier, a diplomatic envoy was sent up to Mt. Olympus to tell Zeus’s wife Hera about his infidelities. But Zeus ended things quickly by giving up on the match and zapping himself and the hookers back to the Cabal locker room where they did some partying. And by did some partying I mean they had sex.

Nakedman: Zeus spent time partying and tried to send his wife Hera to hell to get rid of her. But able to go to the depths of the underworld and bring a woman back, just like Orpheus, the great SUPER MACHO brought Hera back from hell where it was revealed by the Luchadore that he has been eating Hera’s pie. It’s good pie I hear, Wingnut enjoyed it. At any rate, Zeus retaliated by turning Macho into an ass, which could surprise people who thought he was one already! *slaps knee* Har har har! Hera turned Macho back, but then the king and queen of Olympus started fighting over a rolling pin and Macho and Hooligan got knocked out, allowing Zeus to win the match that was going on. Oh yeah, this Macho-Zeus stuff was all happening during a match!

Holy Evil: Later, Zeus needed a bigger woman to fulfill his carnal and destructive needs and he made the Statue of Liberty come to life.

Nakedman: -Just like in Ghost Busters II!

Holy Evil: The Statue went on a rampage and… well… you know… how much more complicated do you think this can get? It was the Statue of Liberty crushing things.

Nakedman: Then Zeus’s daughter Athena showed up and surprisingly proclaimed her love for STIGMATA! Zeus must not have liked this much, seeing as how he then banished his daughter to hell… but not before Athena got one last shot in and made Zeus lose a match to her lover. In the end, Zeus just got bored and went back to Olympus. Proto came back and ended the year by brushing aside the PPV and getting into some controversy. So what’s new?

Holy Evil: As for the man who had his nose moistened up in Hera’s pie, Super Macho, he continued the “sexy luchadore” act that’s been working well for him for a long time. We already mentioned him exposing himself to Haley, but he also was able to make out with a bunch of Ping Pong champions too. What else? He and Cannibal got into a fight where they decided not to fight, but dance. Then Macho attacked Cannibal and fought, but then they stopped fighting each other and decided it would be a good idea to OSBD a rooster. Don’t ask me to explain it, I’m in the AoD and don’t understand that nonsensical kind of stuff.

Nakedman: In a fight between Macho and Ripper’s little buddy Bad Guy, BG tried to temp Macho with pies, recalling his live for Hera’s. Macho revealed that he was now strictly back on a tacos and tequila diet though, causing Bad Guy to pull out another trick in an attempt to win the match – his missing_underscore! The feud between these two didn’t end ther. Macho and Bad Guy went on to the PPV where Macho challenged BG to the most thrilling match ever: a Hungry, Hungry Hippos battle! Proving that he had greater skills at gobbling balls, Bad Guy beat Macho and is now the UCE’s Hungry, Hungry Hippo Champeen! Philly needs to add that to the belt list.

Holy Evil: When not trying to jam his little white balls into the mouths of hungry mammals, Bad Guy was being the “Sultan of Suave.” Now back from an absence and sans underscore, we had last seen Bad Guy months ago as a Mr. Conservative lackey. But now Bad Guy proclaimed that he that was all in his past and he was turning a new leaf or some sort of metaphor vaguely like that.

Nakedman: Angry Mr. Conservative tried to figure out why Bad Guy his changed and he found his answer in the tag partner that Bad Guy had stolen away from Stormfire – Mikey Ripper. Mr. C blamed Ripper as the obvious influence which “poisoned” Bad Guy’s mind, but BG made it clear that things went back a lot further and that this leaving-the-right thing wasn’t just a big ruse. BG showed his strength by taking the Hellraiser title for himself this month, in a match against Zeus and the Champ Basketcase. Unfortunately for the Sultan of Suave, he promptly lost the title to former Hellraiser Champ Highland Terror, whose new EXCLAMATION POINT! weapon proved more powerful than his underscore. Being caught up with Mikey all month, he also spent some time with Mikey’s young daughter Christina. She’s exceptionally slutty and I’m pretty sure she wanted to bonk BG.

Holy Evil: Hrm… you just mentioned Bad Guy, Basketcase, Highland Terror, Mikey and Christine Ripper… I wonder what ELSE all of these people had in common this month?

Nakedman: WHY – it must be the BASKETCASE FOR GOVERNOR angle!

Holy Evil: Coleman’s October campaign for California and Count Justice’s November campaign for Sheepinator may now seem small in comparison to Basketcase’s massive campaign to become the Governor of the state of Rhode Island. To help him in the running he put together a crack campaign team, or perhaps a campaign team on crack, including Bad Guy as the financier, Highland Terror as the PR man, Christina as a lovable child for photo opportunities… and sex parties, Cannibal as the marketer, Ripper there for moral support.

Nakedman: The biggest obstacle to success in Basketcase’s campaign was Basketcase himself. Did he have the personality to be the important public figure that he wanted to be? Basketcase is often a little too ornery and unsociable, and that is when he’s not TALKING TO FRIGGING INVISIBLE PEOPLE THAT DON’T EXIST LIKE CINDY! Once, when Basketcase thought that the cameras were all turned off, he ranted about how sick and tired he was of having to act nice, and how sick he was of his damn PR guy Highland for telling him to be nice. Highland and Basketcase ended up booked against one another, but instead of having any sort of match ending the two headed off and Basketcase went to be a guest star on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. There Basketcase discussed the plight of Namibian citizens of Rhode Island, a topic obviously raised by Austin Hardy, and got Conan to donate to his campaign.

Holy Evil: Basketcase must have gotten full of himself too as a rising political figure. As Hellraiser Champ, he decided he wanted to step things up and head to the NC division. There he fought “The Dane” and got into a fight over whether Rhode Island or Connecticut was better. Things didn’t end well for Basketcase, as he got a devastating “Connecticutter” finisher put on him via run-in to end his NC hopes. It was downhill from there after he lost his Hellraiser title to Bad Guy too!

Nakedman: Bad went to worse when it was revealed that most of the signatures on Basketcase’s petition to recall the Rhode Island governor were faked. Then Basketcase spent a night in jail after his altercation with Chevalier over Haley. After a phone call to Mikey Ripper we learned that the whole “running for governor” thing was based on a $5.00 drunken bet with Rippah! Eventually he was bailed out from jail by Mr. Conservative, who hoped to get an alliance with the Right Wing out of it. Needless to say Basketcase did NOT become the Governor of Rhode Island. If he did, would he still be here, huh? No… he’d be in Rhode Island, stupid!

Holy Evil: Mr. Conservative started off this month as the UC Champ and had a gimmick which involved him being double booked on cards. He’d be on the card opener as long as he held the UC Title and would give out non-title matches which would help to determine the #1 Contender. Mr. C also wanted to brag that he was able to beat all the former UC Title holders and in one of those opening matches had his “brother” The Dane dress up like ME, HOLY EVIL! This was a complete and total charade, as Mr. C could never beat me! Anyway, The Dane, who is no me, blew it despite his continual accidents where he forgot he was supposed to be throwing the match and put a hurtin’ on Mr. Conservative.

Nakedman: Eventually, the double bookings proved too much and Mr. C lost his title to Chevalier. But I guess we already mentioned that match. DAMN US FOR REPEATING! If only we did things chronologically and not thematically we wouldn’t have to repeat ourselves! Quick! Quick! Find a segue!

Holy Evil: Speaking of The Dane, who was mentioned 76 words ago before this sentence began, he started the month by sneaking into Necropus’s old, closed mansion and running into his old friend King Fox! After being chased out by an old man with a shotgun, Dan and King Fox learned that Dan had not only lost his extreme, but also his narrator and therefore had to narrate everything out himself! Everything Dan Haven does he has to say… EVERYTHING. Man, that has got to be a bitch.

Nakedman: Nakedman sighs under his breath as he’s tired of doing this damn year in review and can’t wait for it to end.

Holy Evil: Holy Evil picks his nose and hopes no one is looking.

Nakedman: Nakedman hopes people won’t realize that his credit card number is-

Holy Evil: ANYWAY, The Dane did other stuff this month too. The Dane and King Fox ran into Rasputin and helped him out a little, but that’s perhaps a story left best for our upcoming section on Rasputin. You know, since it’s about him. OH! Another memorable Dan Haven event was match he had with Stryfe where, after receiving a phone call with some terrible news, he kept trying to reveal a huge, shocking secret. Only every time he was about to blurt out what happened – BAM! Stryfe would stop him somehow.

Nakedman: Meanwhile, The Dane and his System buddy Cannibal also caught up in the “Letters” angle… dunn dunn DUNN! This baby also involved Super Macho, Highland and Basketcase. It all started when Cannibal was drinking wine and reading mail with his manservant Jeeves. Cannibal received a disturbing letter from his old friend Nigel Masterson (Super Macho)! He and Jeeves instantly took off to Stockholm, Sweden on a mission for Cannibal to save the world! How could he do such if he also had to be Basketcase’s campaign marketing guru? Duh, he split into two different people, of course.

Holy Evil: On the way to the airport, Cannibal first showed his secret agent abilities by fending off a villainous assassination attempt! Once Cannibal and Jeeves boarded their plane they believed it would be smooth sailing from there on, but then their ease was halted when Cannibal was forced to fend off yet another attack on his life! This time it was by a pilot working for Cannibal's arch nemesis: Archibald Cunningham, a.k.a. “The Anvil.” In fact, the Anvil was the reason that Cannibal was off to Sweden!

Nakedman: When arriving in Sweden, Cannibal was met by an ex-villain now on the side of good, Winlosw Worthington (Dan Haven) and HIS manservant Hobbes. They all went to the home of Nigel Masterson and HIS manservant, Bodkins. Yes! Everyone apparently has menservants but me! Anyway, it was there that Nigel revealed that his former partner, Hibbing Winship (Highland Terror), had blown up his yacht trying to kill him – only Nigel escaped! They all sat down, drank wine, opened up the mail and read yet more… LETTERS! OooOooo! In another letter, Cannibal learned that Jesus Hernandez (Basketcase), the son of his ex-partner, was also in Stockholm and was on the hunt for Cannibal!

Holy Evil: To try to clear their minds of all the fiendish activities going on, the three heroes went off to the Turkish Baths to relax. There Cannibal and his allies were AGAIN attacked by a nemesis working on the behalf of the Anvil! Cannibal fought off the attack and again proved why he is “The Greatest Secret Agent in the World!”

Nakedman: Things ended there, with the matter unresolved and the villain Archibald Cunningham still lurking; only time will tell what could happen next!

Holy Evil: Ooo. Cryptic.

Nakedman: Is it ever.

Holy Evil: Uhh… so, about that Dan Haven and Rasputin thing…

Nakedman: Go on!

Holy Evil: The Dane and King Fox strolled into Rasputin’s room and heard him wondering why the fans didn’t like him. He thought he was a devout man, and thought he was doing good while people saw it as evil. There The Dane took a chance with Rasputin and decided he would help him out. Dan vowed to soften up Rasputin’s public image. When Rasputin felt embarrassed by people laughing at him while doing an interview, his anger came back and vowed to get revenge on The Dane for leading him down the wrong path. But then the Dane became the last thing on Rasputin’s mind after Sickboy entered the picture!

Nakedman: Sickboy returned this month with a mission to end Rasputin’s career! First Sickboy had a fireball attack on Rasputin to make his presence know. Then there was a fight Sickboy had with Stryfe. He pulled a random girl out of the audience, named her “bitch” and sent her in to fight Stryfe. The next thing you know – Rasputin is out and fighting away with Sickboy. In this bloody Sickboy-Rasputin feud we saw the UCE’s old Skullcrusher Title pulled out as a weapon, and then we saw an ugly beating that left Rasputin’s jaw broken.

Holy Evil: Rasputin put on a leather mask to protect his jaw, and sent his manager Illyana back to the homeland to protect her. All this and Rasputin had to deal with the Lethal Lottery this month, a Wrassle-Wide event which could end Rasputin’s career and force him into retirement! Sickboy claimed responsibility for Rasputin’s poor showing at the Lethal Lottery, and claimed that Rasputin was throwing his matches so that he could retire and not have to fight him. Let me tell you, that Sickboy is one sadistic man. Earlier in the month he even threatened to shove glass down the throats of Wingnut and Highland Terror. And this isn’t to mention how angry he got when he saw Stormfire’s classy redecoration of his boiler room base with pink wallpaper!

Nakedman: Leather-masked Rasputin started his campaign of revenge against Sickboy in a brawl where Rasputin beat on Sickboy from ringside to the boiler room. The fight went on for the length of about half of the Thursday Night Carnage card and caused Rasputin to no show his Tag Match with Mr. C and lose his tag title. The reckoning came at the Pay Per View though – where the two had their most brutal, and last, fight.

Holy Evil: The big culminating match between the two involved Rasputin rubbing sauerkraut in the eyes of Sickboy and Sickboy stabbing Rasputin with a chunk of wood from a table they broke fighting. When the two shattered the glass door to the arena with their bodies they took the fight outside and into the streets. Rasputin ran over Sickboy with a golf cart, and then the two were slamming each other into and onto vehicles! Then, out of nowhere, Illyana shows up and – everyone watching is stunned! Sickboy is stunned too, but mostly from the tazer wires that Illyana shoots at him! She never really left New York, and it was all a trick to catch Sickboy off guard. It worked as the inevitable end came where Rasputin gave Sickboy a tombstone piledriver atop a Semi!

Nakedman: This match was also the end of Rasputin’s career though, he had lost at the Lethal Lottery, along with ex-UCEer Violent K, and now was sent into retirement. At least he went out a winner. The UCE also saw The Dane and Austin Hardy’s careers on the line at the Lethal Lottery, but their team faired better and survived.

Holy Evil: And since we brought up Austin Hardy, you may have thought that we forgot about him for quite some time. Weren’t we supposed to talk about his great Wedding at last month’s PPV with Terri Kai? Well, we weren’t the ones who forgot about that – it was Austin Hardy himself! So why was the wedding called off? Cold feet? It seems all Austin was interested in explaining at the beginning of the month were his grand plans to throw a Super Macho welcoming party.

Nakedman: Austin also had an interesting match with Stigmata this month, where he showed up late after Stigmata had already decided that Austin wasn’t showing and left. Finding no one in the ring, Austin brought up “important” Namibian issues in the Rhode Island Governor Recall race, issues that we saw Basketcase addressed on the Conan show. Well, Stigmata then had to run back to the ring to shut Austin Hardy up, but found a time limit draw called. Later in the month Stigmata would advance and took the Nemesis title away from Stormfire. Way to move on from those post-horrid-Indian-gimmick-blues.

Holy Evil: This month in the fed Battlestone had… well… another month in the fed. Can’t say much more about it. He had retreated into his dark Clown alter-ego the month before to separate himself from the no-respect getting Battlestone. But proving that he could never escape who he actually was inside, he still struggled with activity. As the month progressed though, Battlestone did emerge and put away his Clown persona to be himself again. You decide whether that’s good or bad. Interestingly, Sickboy put forth a gesture late in the year that he and Battlestone should be partners. The only advice I can give to BS is to watch out anyone who wants to ally with you, because they’re probably only doing it to swerve you… again.

Nakedman: Another cute note of the month, with everyone recently having voices in their head telling them to kill, kill… you know, Stryfe and Haley and such… Highland Terror decided that he too should have his mental health checked out. Just in case. He found himself in the office of Dr. IrisBlooming, a doctor who I’m sure is completely sane as she drew on the wall with crayons, talked about killing her dead husband and asked Highland about hearing the lambs. Then she handed down her diagnosis of Highland and said that he was crazy and needed a lobotomy, causing Highland Terror to run away from the office screaming. Add to this Highland’s involvement in Basketcase’s campaign and his role as Hibbing Winship and you… hrm… no wait. Now that I think about this, maybe Highland is crazy.

Holy Evil: And to symbolically show the coming ending of this year, and this year in review for that matter - just before Christmas, Philly Fats called off a Mindwarp and put on a event where the UCE would spread Christmas cheer by visiting sick children in local hospitals, delivering gifts to the needy in communities, and feeding the homeless in shelters. Obviously since this is the UCE everything went exactly according to plan and holiday cheer was spread with no wrasslers, kids, needy or hungry people getting hurt at all. And if you believe that…

Nakedman: Hey, the whole deal let us see Fats in a Santa suit.

Holy Evil: Taking the BMF to close the year was Bad Guy, and taking the last Despy Awards of the year were the following people…

Most Funny: Mikey Ripper and Wingnut (TIED)
Best Catchphrase or identifiable character signature: Sickboy's Whiskey Bottle
Best Video: Stormfire's 'If I only had a brain' Video
Best Picture: Cannibal's LETTERS Picture
Wish You Were Here: Baby Bubba
Worst Gimmick: Neden the Dog
Worst Angle: The French Committee by Chevalier
Worst Role Player: Stigmata
Worst Picture: Neden
Most Improved: BadGuy
Best Tag Team: The Gothic Warrior's (Count Justice and Virtue Knight)
Best Face: Stormfire
Best Heel: Sick Boy
Best Newcomer: Super Macho
Most Dramatic/Serious Role Player: Stryfe
Best Non-Match Role Player: Stormfire and Stryfe (TIED)
Best Match Role Player: Rasputin and Stryfe (TIED)
Match of the Month: Rasputin vs Sickboy at the PPV (Rasputin's retirement match)
Best Angle: Letters by Basketcase, Cannibal, Dan Haven, Highland Terror, and Super Macho
Best Gimmick: Zeus
Fed MVP: Stryfe

Holy Evil: Yes... another AoDer! Excellent! Well, I guess he's been in a hundred stables though.

Nakedman: Correct. But now it’s time for the very last of my special awards. I feel so sad doing this, and yet I’m so happy. It’s the UCE STARS OF DECEMBER 2003! Who were they? I’ll tell you who! First of we have King of Olympus, ZEUS, and add to him the dark and dreary personalities of Stryfe, Sickboy and Rasputin, who were always being pissy about something!

Holy Evil: Ah man, what a year it has been!

Nakedman: Yes indeed. And my advice for next year’s crowd should be to be less active next year so we don’t have to say as much.

Holy Evil: Hell, I’m not doing this next year.

Nakedman: Godwilling I won’t either. Hopefully I’ll have a job by then!

Holy Evil: Well, not everything is done though, as we still have a fabulous awards show to do!

Nakedman: Yes. And we’ll do it NOW!

UCE 2003 AWARDS CEREMONY!