Holy Evil: Things started off with a blast in May 2003 for the UCE. Literally.

Nakedman: The UCE’s famous Steeplechase was blown up in an incredibly lame Fed Killers plotline. They blew up the fed just before they ran out of the fed so they didn’t have to sell it. Which is why they totally suck.

Holy Evil: Every cloud has 1/4of an Asian silver lining though. And the UCE packed up and moved… to Kimiwana, Namibia. A small African town with no running water or electricity and more goats than people!

Nakedman: Impoverished Southwestern African nations with active communist guerillas are awesome. But only if you don’t racistly sell the natives as primitive savages who cluck their tongues to talk and run around with spears and stuff.

Holy Evil: *whistle*

Nakedman: The move to Africa was difficult for everyone, but especially difficult for the System, which now found it harder then ever to get around.

Holy Evil: Indeed, because they suddenly all became geriatric! Beau Ring, Necropus, Highland Terror, Law Martin, Sicofly, and Dan Haven have all gone from their 20s to their 60's.

Nakedman: And Dan Haven’s beard got even faker! Don’t ask me how this all happened though. IM Necropus or something… do I look like the king of remembering plotlines? One thing I do remember though, is that the System was guided by King Fox! He was the king of foxes, obviously, and went on numerous adventures with the System.

Holy Evil: The “Old System” had all the problems of the elderly, especially hearing loss.

Nakedman: The feeble old guys seemed ripe for the picking to many fellow UCEers. Obviously they wouldn’t be pulling any more high-flying moves in their matches! But a more sinister plot arose when Arsenic tried to get his valet, Old Lace, to marry the elder Dan Haven and then poison him. That way Old Lace would inheret the cash and be able to share it with Arsenic.

Holy Evil: The plot was working at first… but what Arsenic didn’t count on was Old Lace falling in love!

Audience: Awwwwww!

Nakedman: Joining the Old System and the rest of the UCEers in the trip to Africa were the new UCE recruits… Chris Brick, Deacon Kross and Stan Daniels, who made a triumphant return from SAFE.

Holy Evil: Quickly primitive savages who cluck their tongues to talk and run around with spears came to worship me, because I am so awesome. I easily convinced them that I was the god Olorun, when I parachuted into Namibia from the sky.

Nakedman: Speaking of which, lets take a look at your educational talk with UCE reporter Pandora at about this time…

Pandora: The destruction of the UCE arena has hit the interests of the federation pretty hard and now we've all been moved to Africa for God knows how long. What do you make of this transition?

Holy Evil: Well, at first, I thought it totally sucked. But then a tribe of natives has decided that I am their god Olorun. So it works out great.

Pandora: I hope Olorun is a real god or else you might have Arsenic riding you with boring facts he finds on Google.

Holy Evil: Oh, he is.

Pandora: What is he the god of, exactly?

Holy Evil: The ruler of the sky and father of the gods. Olorun is a god of peace, harmony, justice, and purity. He is believed to own everything that is white on earth, such as air, clouds, bones, and the brain. In some cultures he is seen as an androgynous figure that represents the male and female principles in heaven and earth, and sometimes even a female deity. In other branches of the Yoruba tradition he is known as Yansan or Ogus.

Pandora: *snores* I'm sorry, what?

Holy Evil: *gives middle finger*

Pandora: It is easy to see how any natives who saw your genitalia might mistake you from an androgynous diety.

Holy Evil: *gives other middle finger*

Pandora: See, the joke is funny because you are so small, it's as if you have no sex organs at all.

Holy Evil: Yes. Very amusing. I'll have to let SPX know you're stealing his material.

Pandora: Speaking of word association, let's do that right now.

Holy Evil: We weren't talking about word association.

Pandora: Oh. I'm sorry. I must have ASSOCIATED the word "SPX" with the words "word association", thus creating a flawless transition into the final segment of our interview.

Holy Evil: Ah. Ok.

Pandora: Are you ready?

Holy Evil: No. I arbitrarily feel like making you wait for ten minutes for no reason .

Pandora: I'll take that as a yes.

Holy Evil: Damn straight you will.

Nakedman: Hey! What the hell was that Arsenic knock abou-

Holy Evil: -So anyway, there were some interesting feuds that heated up in the hot sun. Nick Bronze took on the personality of a sappy good-guy wuss, and immediately became a natural foe to hate-driven Darkwolfe.

Nakedman: The Flood was up to some ludicrousity with Sickboy’s School for Potentials, which enlisted Battlestone, Strider, and Lazareth. Speaking of Sickboy, he had a short late May UC title reign in-between two of Necropus' reigns. However, not all is peachy keen among the Floodsters and inner turmoil reigned.

Holy Evil: Wingnut inexplicably turned into a gangsta in May, which may or may not have helped to make him “badder” than Arsenic, who are still at each other about which is more evil, with Arsenic publically declaring his desire to win “Heel of the Month.” Arsenic was well along his way by trying to take advantage of and kill Old Dan Haven. Yet this unlikely feud evolved into a fight that no one would have ever imagined. In a match between the three (Wingy, Arsenic and Dan) Arsenic brought out a brain-switching device to help him achieve his plans, and switched bodies with the elder Dan Haven. Who knows which one got the worse deal? After all, Arsenic is sexually repugnant. But Dan did pick up the Nemesis Championship, ending a 3-day reign by Death Jr. The brain-switching device then got out of hand. Bodies switched back and forth endlessly until somehow Dan Haven became Dancula, Arsenic got trapped in a Goat’s body, Old Lace got trapped in Arsenic’s body and a goat was trapped in Old Lace’s body. Arsenic and Old Lace never got their bodies back, and seemingly are were lost in the African wilderness.

Nakedman: The Old System is not looking to stay old forever. Necropus and Highland Terror heard rumors of a witch doctor who could bring them back to youth, and embarked to find his location. This didn’t, however, stop Necro from taking the UC Title away from Holy Evil!

Holy Evil: Grrr! *shakes fist* Eventually, youthfulness came… as Arsenic, in Dan Haven's old body at the time, built an age-reversing ray. He even accidentally shot me with it, which caused a problem was I kept getting younger and younger. Necro got shot with it too, but his age returned to normal.

Nakedman: At about this time, there was a complete overhaul in the UCE reporting staff, and Pandora and FYI Guy were replaced with B.G. Dummas and Professor D. The latter of which made reports that were about 400 pages long each! Hrmm… was a replacement of the Commish soon to follow?

Holy Evil: MAY DAZE was UCE’s may PPV in Namibia. Some notable results include a “Capture the Pudu Hunt” match with Stan Daniels, Highland Terror, Sicofly, Death Jr., Law Martin and Battlestone. The feature of four System members, an annoying Poo obsessed wrestler, a former UC champion, and a Gazelle with toxic dung made it memorable. Also there was a Hellraiser Hostage Match between Lazareth and Strider, with Synful Vixen in the middle. And lastly, there was a Triple Threat Elimination Match for the Universal Carnage Title featuring me, Sickboy and Necropus. By this time I was now a baby, and was carried into the ring by my follower Kunta Kinte!

Nakedman: Sounds dumb.

Holy Evil: SCREW YOU! I had a great month regardless of the baby thing!

Nakedman: Very true Holy! That month you managed to work your way through the Bar Room Brawl, defeating Brian Blade and then Avril Lavigne, before advancing to the finals to face Masko de Tequila!

Holy Evil: Yes, and then in an amazing, emotional match I dedicated to my recently deceased mother, I beat him to capture the Bar Room Brawl title.

Nakedman: So anyway, about the end of the month BMF that we haphazardly report on and forgot to mention for most of these months. This month it was a good one. The theme was that the Kimiwana's nearby neighbors, the Wachati Tribe had lost their sacred albino bat, Shikak, and feared the Kimiwanians had something to do with the disappearance of the sacred animal. In order to prevent a tribal war, the UCE superstars went off to find the missing bat and return it to the Wachati. Sickboy ended up as the final batsman… and won the BMF.

Holy Evil: And as for May’s ATLANTIS AWARDS… here’s who took home the prizes…

Best Newcomer: Chris Brick
Most Improved: Strider
Best Match: Lazareth Vs Strider, Hellraiser Title Hostage Match
Best Angle: UCE Goes to Africa
Best Gimmick: Gangsta Death Jr. (UGH)
Best Comedy Act: Arsenic
Best Dramatic Act: Lazareth
Best Face: Highland Terror
Best Heel: Sickboy
Best Tag Team: T-Ex (Austin Hardy and Nick Bronze)
Best Roleplayer: Necropus
Most Valuable Player: The Head

Holy Evil: Screw this. It’s time for June.

Nakedman: Indeed.

JUNE