Holy Evil: Additions to the Universal Carnage Enterprises in November were Dan Haven, Stryfe, Cannibal, Snake, Avril Lavigne, Nightlife, and Hall of Famer Wingnut! There were quite a few identity changes too… as Mags turned to Cole, Battlestone became The Clown, and Stigmata transformed into Thunderheart.

Stormfire: Dan Haven was back from a brief hiatus away from the UCE and was sporting a new bad-boy, rebel look. And what rebel is a true rebel if he isn’t smoking? That’s why Dan always had a Lucky Strike hanging from his lips! Dan’s smoking saved the day in a match he had with Mikey Ripper. Mikey offered Gooch a tomacco plant to beat up Dan, but the plant turned him into a giant monster in need of nicotine. The extra smokes that Dan had attached to his body helped solve the problem. Oh, and Dan also brought out a giant box of cigarettes with legs as his pro-smoking mascot. You know, Johnny Marlowe smoked too, and must have passed it off to me second hand. *cough*

Holy Evil: Dan, or “The Dane” as he would come to call himself repeatedly when speaking in third person, teamed up with UCE newcomer and fellow System member Cannibal to form the team of “Danibal.” The two would taste tag gold together within two weeks by beating T-Ex and Cannibal himself would go to represent the UCE at the end of the month USOB - earning him a best newcomer award for his efforts this month.

Stormfire: But in a match that Dan and Cannibal had against Prototype and his VERY non-offensive gay, AIDS-having partner Cole, the Dane revealed himself to be homophobic- that is, when he wasn’t slipping on the phlegm all over mat coughed out by himself for smoking and Cole for his sickness. Why would Dan be homophobic? Well, it probably has something to do with the fact that he learned that Mr. Conservative was his long, lost brother! He was now “Dane Conservative,” and was more arrogant about his skills and coolness than ever.

Holy Evil: But The Dane comes in a distant second place when we’re talking about arrogance this month. In November, Chainsaw Max went on a HUGE ego trip and named himself “The Most Important Man in Wrassle[dot]Net!” Proud of all his title accomplishments, Max became full of himself and decided to live it up like the important kind of guy he was. Chainsaw got stretch limos, fancy clothes, slutty Taiwanese “masseuse” servants, and abandoned the T-Ex Locker Room for the T-Ex Suite! And if you didn’t treat him extra special, you’d be sure to hear from him something along the lines of “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

Stormfire: Max declared that he was so good that instead of having to be booked in #1 contender matches and actual title matches, Philly Fats should just give him the titles. Of course he was booked in matches anyway, and in a title match against Mr. C, Max almost forgot to show because he was too busy looking at his handsome self his new mirror. His pride got him into even more trouble though, as he informed the very religious Rasputin that in the UCE, he was God. Stryfe even had some issues with him, as demonstrated by her slicing his head open with a box cutter!

Holy Evil: Max’s T-Ex partner Austin Hardy was living it up with Max too, but had far more important concerns on his mind this month. Still reeling from last month’s “2002” fiasco, Terri was desperately trying to explain to Austin why she tried to steal all of T-Ex’s money. She said it was because she was so destitute and poured out her heart, telling Austin that she knew that she wasn’t good enough for him because how poor she was. Austin believes the story, and the two make a special announcement – that they will be getting married! Austin, now distracted from his matches and concerned with his wedding planning, decided that the “November to Dismember” PPV would be a great place for the wedding, a decision that Terri seemed not that keen on.

Stormfire: Another kooky T-Ex event was when interesting illegal object choice by the arrogant Chainsaw Max! In a fight between him and the new System leader, Highland Terror, HT took Dan Haven’s shoe as weapon while Max used… AN OLD LADY! Yes, he tucked an old woman into his trunks and tried to fight! Did the referee catch it?

Referee: Max, you haven't got any foreign objects on you, right?

Chainsaw Max: No sir.

Referee: Hey, whats that bulge?

Chainsaw Max: My penis?

Referee: No, the other bulge.

Chainsaw Max: Umm..no, that is my penis, I have a genetic defect...

Referee: Fair enough.

Holy Evil: Damn. Do we want to allow him to talk or should we knock him out again?

Stormfire: Sure, let him talk.

Nakedman: This month, Mikey pulled off a giant “swerve” on no one by revealing that he had a stunt butt! He pulled a midget out of his pants named Suzie. Isn’t it crazy how people are so easily tucked into underwear? It is as if underwear swallows you whole like a monster. Friends don’t wear friends wear clothes.

Holy Evil: Speaking of Mikey… how about the AoD in general?

Stormfire: The AoD got a boost early in the month with the arrival of Wingnut, but got an unwilling member as well with the arrival of Stryfe. Mikey Ripper, seriously crushing on Kyra/Stryfe, reformed the team of “Protectors of Anal Virginity” with her. Yet Mikey also signed her up as a member of the AoD without her knowing. It was obvious that Stryfe was not happy with the AoD, and the Council of AoD Villains attempted to recruit her to finish off the AoD from within. If that wasn’t enough… they had an actual BACKUP plan this time.

Holy Evil: Right, the Council kidnapped Virtue Knight and replaced him with an EVIL Virtue Knight clone! The real Virtue was able to escape however, but seeing as he still had memory loss he couldn’t rush back to the AoD to tell them. Instead, he took on various jobs such as pizza delivery boy, car salesman, and an employee of McDonalds and Home Depot.

Nakedman: Many things pointed to the fact that fake Virtue was a bad guy. He started smoking too, for one. He also got an ear piercing, tried to rape Haley and laughed maniacally on occasion. Tag partner Count Justice never figured it out though, and was continually in dander of being killed by the fake Virtue. One brilliant plan he had was to tell CJ and the now-inactive OFM to stop breathing – it almost worked! If things weren’t bad enough, Mikey Ripper then showed up with a THIRD Virtue Knight. But that one exploded into a million pieces with Wingnut emerging from the smoke!

Holy Evil: Soon after, it became AoD versus AoD as Stryfe and Mikey Ripper were set to face off against Count Justice and Virtue Knight. But it wasn’t AoD versus AoD in the way that you’d think. Tired of Mikey’s continual sexual harassment, Stryfe quickly turned on Mikey Ripper and started to beat the hell out of him in total rage. Then the Virtue clone revealed his evil identity and started to fight Count Justice. It looked as if the Council of AoD Villians’ plan was working – and that two AoD members were on their way to being destroyed. The Council was watching from close by in the audience and laughing it up in their “clever” disguises. Then Wingnut joined the battle, and ran around the ring in circles screaming and swatting at Stryfe’s gross “cooties” with a flyswatter.

Stormfire: THEN super cool detective guy Johnny Marlowe got involved in the action too! He tried to talk Stryfe out of her savage beating of Mikey, but she would hear none of it as she cleared house and even gave Wingy him a sloppy kiss to gross him out! The next person to get involved was the REAL Virtue Knight, who came out and tried to help Count Justice. Then the two VKs fought each other and got mixed up… no one could tell the two apart! Count Justice grabbed onto a crossbow and shot one of them. Evil Virtue Knight laughed it up when he explained that CJ had killed the real Virtue Knight, but then Count Justice stunningly declared that he MEANT TO! Justice explained that he was so tired of the real Virtue’s stupid forgetfulness. As Evil Virtue Knight liked to rape, kill and destroy – he was essentially the same as good Virtue Knight – so he and Count Justice realized that they had so much in common that they teamed up!

Nakedman: The match continued, with the Gothic Warriors interpreting a request by Wingy to stop Stryfe as an invitation to have their way with her and then kill her. But the real event was when Johnny Marlowe and Stryfe got at it. Marlowe busted out some brass knucks and cracked Stryfe in the face; Stryfe returned the favor with a backhand that started to tear off Johnny Marlowe’s face… *GASP*… It’s a MASK! In the end, Marlowe ran to the back struggling with his identity falling apart!

Holy Evil: Marlowe slipped more and more out of his character, and laughed to himself as he remembered who he is. He then goes off to Stryfe’s place and trashes it before she arrived. He blew a kiss at her and seemed to have a whole lot of knowledge about her history. Finally, in a match with Virtue Knight, Johnny Marlowe laid down and took a pin. Right there, on November 13, 2003, in front of all the fans, he jumped up and told everyone to watch as he revealed himself to be-

Stormfire: -ME! Haha! And yes I do go a long way back with Stryfe, seeing as how I accidentally killed the original Stryfe, Rory, who was Kyra’s life long love. Uhmm… but maybe that’s not something to be proud of.

Nakedman: Well, you don’t need to worry since we’re less and less certain at the end of 2003 and beginning of 2004 that he’s actually dead!

Holy Evil: The Stryfe-AoD tension continued as Count Justice started a massive campaign to get Sheepinator into the UCE Hall of Fame. Offended that Sheepy wasn’t in it, CJ tried to find a spot for him immediately by “recalling” Stryfe from the Hall and voting in Sheep. Justice, who is to primitive to actually do so, launched a multimedia campaign. Justice and Virtue tried to get Mikey Ripper to stop sabotaging their “Recall Stryfe” campaign by telling him that the Stryfe they were recalling was Rory, and not his hot lovemuffin Kyra. Making matters more difficult was the fact that the Council of AoD Villians threw their own recall candidate into the mix – and with Gary Coleman in the Council it was obvious who they would chose as their recall election contender: Bob the Satanic Kitty.

Stormfire: If the recall wasn’t enough for poor Stryfe, she also had to deal with the fact that she was accidentally stabbed! Again, that was by me. I’m so careless. Anyway, she got sent to the hospital, and to try and fix things up with Mikey, I dressed up as Stryfe and took her place when she was gone! Me and Mikey reformed our old team STRIPPER, though he thought I was still Stryfe. The disguise was great until the Gothic Warriors, determined to kill Stryfe, came after me. Yikes!

Nakedman: With the Council of AoD Villians’ plans continually failing – they thought of a new plan. Gary Coleman got in his broke ass Pinto, droved it down to Baltimore, hooked the city up to his car, and then DRAGGED THE CITY ON TOP OF NEW YORK! The Steeplechase Arena was submerged in the Chesapeake Bay and New York became an unlivable subterranean hell. Well, okay, it became subterranean. For a week the cards were set in Baltimore at Camden Yards, but the AoD was so occupied checking out the local “Arrundel Mills” mall that they almost forgot to show up for their matches! Feeling that they were being blamed for the incident even though it was their enemies that did it, the AoD needed to find a way to put Baltimore back in its place. Stormfire could have asked help from his new friend – JESUS, but that never panned out. But Virtue Knight did call on a much more powerful deity, Baltimore Orioles closer Jorge Julio – who took Baltimore and pitched it as a 212mph fastball back to where it belonged: leaving the UCE with an end to the clear winner for this month’s Worst Angle – the AoD themselves nominated it!

Holy Evil: Apart from all that, Stryfe was doing her own thing this month. She had some obvious tensions with Haley, who was called on to guest comment for a few cards. And during her hospitalization she had to spend a lot of time with A.J. Sawyer, who had returned from SAFE, leading to an eventual fight. To top it off, she had to deal with Mikey’s misconceptions about “Stryfire.”

Stormfire: Wingnut too had a crazy time with his new valet – a monkey! Wingnut said the monkey was a girl, and requested that it get some matches in the Catfight Division. But the monkey kept not getting booked, which apparently infuriated the monkey and caused it to toss feces. I say apparently because, you know, it probably would have done that anyway. One memorable moment in the month was when Wingy took the monkey out to a match with him and the monkey and Gooch started fighting over a plate of tacos that Basketcase sent down to the ring! The end result was Gooch trying to admonish the monkey by… yes… spanking it. Eventually, the monkey did get its Catfight title shot against Ilyana, something which deeply offended her and Rasputin!

Holy Evil: But Stormy… what was that thing you said about Basketcase and tacos? Why would he send Tacos down to the ring?

Stormfire: Ah, well Basketcase was back on track this month and now he was joined by his long lost sidekick and Taco Bell Manager, Mas Macho Burro! Basketcase found his way into a Taco Bell fortune and opened up his own Taco Bell right here at the UCE. Mas Macho Burro helped his buddy Basketcase out by tossing him the a sledgehammer to use for his matches. But this wasn’t any sledgehammer, it was the Reebok SledgeOMatic 3000, complete with bright blinking lights! Also this month, Basketcase got caught up in an epic “stare down” with Wingnut and got cranky because he ran out of bubble gum! Lets see… and there was one other thing Basketcase did… I’m trying to remember…

Nakedman: -Win the lotto?

Stormfire: No… no, that’s not it. It was at the end of the month. Something to do with a B… umm…

Nakedman: -Won a BMW?

Stormfire: That sounds kind of right.

Holy Evil: -BMF! He won the BMF!

Stormfire: YES! That is it exactly. He won the BMF. But that’s not as cool as having a Taco Bell, you know, in my opinion.

Nakedman: Well, Basketcase wasn’t the only one to have his own restaurant this month. It seemed everyone was falling in Sheepinator’s Black Sheep Baaar and Grill footsteps when Violent K opened up the Jeckel Brother's Restaurant. He purchased an out-of-use warehouse near the Steeplechase Arena and renovated it into a theme restaurant with a House of Horrors, Edict Corner and “Wall of Legends,” which was a wall that contained pictures of all the legends he had beaten. After becoming UC Champ by beating Prototype, then retaining in a re-match with Proto which featured Chevalier as the special guest referee, he was able to put Proto’s mug up there on the wall. I hope Violent K didn’t invest in another expensive picture frame for Chevy himself though, because in their match Chevalier proved victorious and took the UC title!

Holy Evil: Violent K ended off things by teaming up with an old partner again, kind of. He joined up with “The Clown,” which was the new darker side of his old tag partner Battlestone. At very last it was revealed that it was THE CLOWN which had shot Philly Fats – and not Philly himself!

Stormfire: -HA! Marlowe was right! I mean, I was right. You see, this can of Mountain Dew that I have right here clearly-… oh, forget it.

Nakedman: The Dark Side of Battlestone was put in a match against Mr. C this month, and Mr. C thought he was pretty smart when he blocked The Clown from the ring by calling on his multitude of T.S.A. guys. You know, I’d never think I’d have good things to say about BS, but I’m glad he got the last laugh over Mr. C when The Clown simply avoided going to the ring and went out to the Conservative mobile office and beat the hell out of the traitorous Pebbles.

Holy Evil: UCE newcomer Nightlife gave the middle finger to Mr. C too when he had his big ass stretch limo parked in front of the mobile office to obstruct it. Nightlife tried to show the UCE roster he wasn’t someone to mess with this month, as he was a powerful Las Vegas man, accompanied by a swarm of bodyguards that more closely resembled mobsters. Nightlife was all about the Vegas scene and living it up.

Stormfire: Another slight annoyance for Mr. C this month could have been when Virtue Knight stabbed him! Heh, at least I didn’t do the stabbing that time. Other things weren’t going well for the Right Wing either. The spirit Torquemada was telling Rasputin what to do, and he wanted Rasputin to beat the living hell out of Violent K, someone who had actually been an ally of Mr. C. To further provoke a feud, commissioner Fats hilariously pitted the “Church and State” tag partners of Rasputin and Mr. C against one another! Oh that silly Fats!

Nakedman: Another thing that was up with them was the mysterious “Armageddon” Angle, where there were hints that some cataclysmic, end-of-the-world type stuff was happening. Chevalier especially got involved in his worries over this. However, I, Nakedman, am not worried about it and didn’t really care for this angle at all.

Holy Evil: Especially because we know about the future of the world from the “Future AoD” angle which started at the end of the month. But that really should be a topic for December.

Stormfire: A Chevy-Mr. C feud, with thoughts of Armageddon always lurking in the background, broke out when Chevalier held a poll for who his #1 Contender should be after winning the UC Title. Former champs Proto and Violent K could lay claims, while Chainsaw Max declared that he should have the belt, and NC Champ Mr. C had the right to vacate his title and make a UC Challenge. Well, when that poll that was held, Conservative cheated and fixed the vote so they he could win it! Mr. C got his match with Chevy and did win the title for himself.

Holy Evil: Proto must have been disappointed he didn’t get yet another shot, even though after losing the title himself last month he did get a rematch. He went as far as stealing the vacated NC title and declared that he was the next one to get a shot. But Proto had a lot of other worries too this month, as he was again participating in the Bar Room Brawl and was also working on a tag run with his new partner – Cole!

Nakedman: Cole the AIDS-stricken gay man filled the void left by Quincy Rivera-Goldstein – the gay bashing void! Cole demanded to be put in the Catfight title division, kind of like Wingy’s monkey, but instead found himself teaming up with Prototype. Why would Proto want to be his partner? The answer was simple – that way it was less likey that Proto would be booked against him and have to wrestle him! For a short time, Cole misunderstood what Proto meant when he said that he wanted to be “partners” with him. After that was cleared up, Proto often had Cole look after his vicious, foaming, killer dog “Starsky.” Needless to say the dog was sometimes too much for him to handle, and was dumped off in places like… ohhh… Philly Fats’ car.

Stormfire: But watching Cole and Proto from the rafters sometimes was… MAGS! Geez, wasn’t he dead yet? Magnifico showed that Rapsutin and Basketcase weren’t the only ones who could talk to people that weren’t there as he carried on conversations with Shallowgrave and Dace, two personalities within himself.

Holy Evil: A villainous plot that was going around this month was an attempt by the Edict’s Fallen Angel to take over the UCE. Personally, I could name lot better ways to do it then the one that was decided on – giving Mike Anthony the flu and having it be spread around to everyone.

Nakedman: This proved to be VERY unhealthy for Mike Anthony. For one, it’s always bad to have the flu. But secondly, the primitive Virtue Knight was certain that Anthony was spreading “the plague” and tried to kill him to stop it! All this and to boot, Mike was still dealing with a problem that existed all the way back to Stable Wars – his ears. Mike Anthony’s ears were acting up and bleeding again… OooOoo… nice continuity!

Stormfire: The other part of the Edict team, since we talked about Violent K earlier, was the drunken brawler and always dangerous Hooligan. This month he carried on a big feud with Highland Terror and his lady Veronica had a showing as well. Slightly disturbing though was the fact that the night before a big Hooligan-Highland fight, Highland Terror had a boy’s night out at Stryfe’s place where he engaged in finger nail painting, pillow fighting, and hammer tossing! Okay, I guess hammer tossing isn’t that bad.

Holy Evil: But perhaps the Edict had more to fear, as UCE newcomer SNAKE entered the fed with a secret plan to destroy the edict! Well, I guess the plan wasn’t that secret since I just told you. Early on Snake took a shot at Hooligan, but after that got his comeuppance. Hooligan would retaliate then and there and later interfered in match Snake was having against Cannibal and helped to give Cannibal the win.

Nakedman: Throughout the month, Snake proved himself to be an anti-establishment man with sadistic tendencies – but that doesn’t mean that he couldn’t love. Snake engaged in a series of flashbacks early this month involving the story of his girlfriend Rebecca, who had mysteriously disappeared.

Stormfire: Another event of the month was Stigmata’s transformation into Thunderheart. With a voice in his head telling him what to do, Stigmata went to the Adirondack State Park in upper New York and emerged as Thunderheart, who was at one with his spiritual guide. He danced a ceremonial Native American dance, or at least faked it, in order to summon the strength of the spirits. This accidentally failed and it rained down spatulas and leather NASCAR jackets! Okay, I totally made that last sentence up, that never happened.

Holy Evil: What Stigmata wasn’t expecting was how hard the transition would be, based on the reaction of the fans and his fellow wrasslers. After a hot winning streak in the last month, Stigmata/Thunderheart now found himself a loser – both in his matches and in how people treated him. Thunderheart was mocked endlessly for his new gimmick and his new alliance with the right wing. Even his supposed ally Rasputin knocked him out once, in a case of mistaken identity. He lost his Hellraiser title to Basketcase, he tried to get revenge on Chevalier for not accepting Stigmata’s offers of friendship last month but failed, and got assigned to the lower part of the card. Complaining that he should get better matches, Thunderheart was booked in a non-title match with the NC Champ The Dane. If he won he would be hurled up the card to bigger and better things – but he lost anyway and proved he really didn’t deserve higher booking. In the end, Stigmata had to throw away the Thunderheart identity and unmask to save face, if he had any remaining left.

Nakedman: Well, Thunderheat may have been at odds with Chevalier – but so was A.J. Sawyer. After returning from SAFE, it was revealed that he had gotten the boot from the Knights! No longer one of the select few Champions of the good, A.J. took on a new darker, angrier attitude. When he wound up in the hospital, he had the misfortune to be placed in the same room as the always unpleasant Kyra.

Stormfire: Also this month – Krispy’s Mom showed up and dropped a huge revelation to her son. She announced that he and Krispy’s narrator Nar were running off together to Hawaii, essentially making Nar Krispy’s new daddy.

Holy Evil: Oh, and in a final anti-story of the month, the very annoying Avril Lavigne showed up at the beginning of November. As part of the System, she tried to follow them around everywhere as they tried to always ditch her. Cannibal even tried to SELL HER! That plan was unfortunately ruined by Jennifer Asylum. On the bright side, at least she wasn’t active!

Nakedman: Reason debuted the first Rankings Report in November, and the first People’s Choice winner went to Mikey Ripper as he took the popularity vote.

Stormfire: The big awards, as always, were the Despy’s! And who won them?

Most Funny: Stormfire
Best Catchphrase or Identifiable Character Signature: The Dane's Cigarette
Best Video: Marlowe Unmasking / Stormfire's Comeback
Best Picture: Dan Haven a.k.a. The Dane
Wish you were here: Sickboy
Worst Gimmick: Cole, Thunderheart (TIED)
Worst Angle: The Council of AoD Villain's dragging Baltimore on top of New York
Worst Role Player: Thunderheart
Worst Picture: Thunderheart
Most Improved: Stormfire
Best Tag Team: Rasputin, Mr. Conservative (Church & State)
Best Face: Chevalier
Best Heel: Mr. Conservative
Best Newcomer: Cannibal
Most Dramatic/Serious Role Player: Chevalier, Rasputin, Stryfe (TIED)
Best Non-Match Role Player: Mr. Conservative
Best Match Role Player: Chevalier, Mikey Ripper (TIED)
Match of the Month: Gothic Warriors vs The Protectors of Anal Virginity with appearances by Wingnut and Johnny Marlowe
Best Angle: Marlowe unmasking as Stormfire
Best Gimmick: 'The Dane'
Fed MVP: Mr. Conservative

Nakedman: And now to name my UCE STARS OF NOVEMBER 2003! Say, who did you guys say won last month?

Holy Evil: You don’t want to know.

Nakedman: Well anyway, my picks HAVE to include Stormfire, for his amazing identity revelation and return. And add to that The Dane and Chainsaw Max for their charming new personalities.

Stormfire: Well, its been great hanging with you guys for these past two months, but since I’m the only one here still active on the UCE roster, I better get back to work.

Holy Evil: Okay Stormy, thanks for helping out!

Stormfire lifts his arms into the air and flies away.

Nakedman: Impressive.

Holy Evil: Got any witty transitions we can use to segue into December?

Nakedman: Nope.

DECEMBER