Nakedman: Holy and Deacon are gone, of course… but who new showed up at the beginning of October? I’ll tell you who! Stigmata, A.J. Sawyer and Chevalier, Johnny Marlowe, and the GOTHIC WARRIORS: Count Justice and Virtue Knight!

Holy Evil: HUZZAH!

Nakedman: Arriving at midmonth was also the legless, homosexual, Mexican, Jew Quincy Rivera-Goldstein. Those who said goodbye to the UCE in October were… uhh… you know what. Forget it. Instead of telling you the official roster, who don’t you just look at who we have to talk about, huh? If we still mention someone, he stayed. And if we stop mentioning someone, he left. Is that so hard to understand?

Stormfire: -Why yes it is! STUPID FACE!

Holy Evil: *gasp*… Look who has just joined us to talk about the month of October! It’s Stormfire!

Stormfire: Yes. I will be replacing my “Nude Kids on the Block” Tag Partner Nakedman for commentary.

Nakedman: Huh? Replace me? I never agreed to thi-*OOF*

Stormfire sucker punches Nakedman.

Holy Evil: Well, now that we got that over with, let’s talk about the happenings of October.

Stormfire: In October I… err… I mean this guy named “Johnny Marlowe” was on the case. He was a super cool Private Detective and no one knew his true identity or past. If Johnny XS tells you he figured it out from the title history pages, remember that he’s lying!

Holy Evil: As a detective, Johnny Marlowe needed a few good juicy cases to work. And in October he got just that – as UCE Commissioner Philly Fats was shot!

Stormfire: *gasp* Oh no! Along with Von Doom, Marlowe was on the trail of the man who shot the big fat fatty. Early on, Von Doom had a hunch that Prototype, Wrassle’s “Most Evil Man,” may be responsible. This was a lead that super cool Johnny Marlowe detective guy followed up on.

Holy Evil: But there were all sorts of suspects. Heck, even the Gothic Warriors, who don’t know how guns work, were investigated. This is mostly due to their uncouth habits of killing people.

Stormfire: As I… err… Marlowe was assembling all the facts together – he finally got the clue he needed! On Sunday, October 19 Marlowe announced to everyone that he knew who the shooter was! Then he said that he would reveal the shooter to the world on Tuesday. This was a very smart move, because the shooter would never think to try to kill Marlowe in the meantime! I mean what kind of an uncool attempted-murderer would he be if he were going to kill the detective who knew who did it before he revealed it?

Holy Evil: Good question, Stormy. Good question.

Stormfire: No. That wasn’t rhetorical. Please answer it.

Holy Evil: Hrm… well, obviously it would be the kind of uncool attempted-murder that DID try to kill Johnny Marlowe! Just as you…err… Marlowe was about to reveal the shooter’s identity, the lights went off. When they came back on, you were laying on the mat motionless as a clown with a knife stood over your body. He managed to escape security though, and got away.

Stormfire: The only thing that saved his life was the actual clue that he was going to reveal to PROVE who the shooter was! It was a can of Mountain Dew that belonged to the shooter! Many thought that super cool detective guy Marlowe had peed himself when he was stabbed. This is not true! That yellow stain was the leaking Mountain Dew.

Holy Evil: Right. And just as Marlowe was AGAIN about to reveal the killer… VON DOOM came out!

Stormfire: Yes. Von Doom said he had new evidence about the identity of the shooter. But Marlowe totally disagreed with what Von Doom was saying because Marlowe is smarter and much more handsome. Then PHILLY FATS emerged and he too said that HE would reveal the shooter’s identity… and he said that it was…

Drumrole.

Stormfire: -HIMSELF!

Holy Evil: Aww man! Way to kill a potentially okay angle!

Stormfire: Yeah, Fats claimed that he was cleaning his gun and accidentally shot himself in the pinky toe. But then covered it up! Johnny Marlowe didn’t believe a word of it though. There was some kind of whitewashing going on, that’s for sure. They claim that the mystery was solved, but suspicions still linger that Fats is protecting someone.

Holy Evil: But protecting who? It’s not like having a clown do the shooting narrows it down to anyone… well… not in the UCE at least. This is a very clown-centric fed, for some odd reason.

Stormfire: Needless to say, the announcement that Fats “shot himself” was more than enough to dub “Who Shot Fats” as WORST ANGLE OF THE MONTH! It had nothing to do with Johnny Marlowe though. The parts he was involved in were as strong, consistent and awesome as Super Bowl XXXV Champion Baltimore Ravens Defense!

Holy Evil: You and Vo- I mean… Johnny Marlowe and Von Doom still had some tensions left over after the revelation, right?

Stormfire: Yeah, and the two were booked at the “Bad Blood” PPV against each other in a Nemesis Title match. Quincy Rivera Goldstein was put in the middle of the match too, where he revealed himself to be ONE FAT MOTHA! With OFM in the fed, Philly Fats was clearly only the second most popular fat man around. Heck, after that dumb announcement that he shot himself he was probably 3rd or 4th most popular fat man in the fed, behind Gooch and-

Nakedman: -Chevalier?

Holy Evil: HUSH YOU! You’re supposed to be unconscious.

Nakedman: Oh. Sorry. *unconscious noises*

Holy Evil: Moving on, October is also notable because it could be called the month of BS excuses! And for BS I don’t mean Battlestone. Everyone seemed to make up something to explain their losses this month. And as Holy Evil, this is something completely foreign to my nature and despicable.

Stormfire: Yeah, at the end of September Von Doom lost to Pennance at the PPV. In October their mini-feud continued as Von Doom claimed that he had a cold and that’s the only reason he lost!

Holy Evil: And when “The Dangerous Mind” Stigmata showed up with a winning streak and beat Krispy in a match, Krispy claimed that he threw the match on purpose! Likely story. Krispy recovered from his loss though and took away the NC Championship from another man with a red-hot record this month, Violent K. Violent K’s excuse for losing? He claimed that he was playing “mind games” and that he handed the title to Krispy on purpose. Ha! Nice way to talk your way out of a shameful DQ loss.

Stormfire: That wasn’t the only retroactive continuity that Violent K spouted in October though. At Stable Wars in the month before the ailing Flood was swerved by Rasputin. Violent K, along with his partner Battlestone, were some of those Flood guys that got swerved. Now suddenly this month Violent K had made up a new story: that he had only joined the Flood in order to destroy it – and therefore succeeded and hadn’t been swerved at all! Then he revealed that his true alliance was to the Edict, seemingly severing his ties with his tag partner.

Holy Evil: So between all these excuses for losing, and Philly’s claim that he shot himself, this was definitely a month full of smelly, heaping BS!

Stormfire: One thing that wasn’t BS was that madcap AoD, right?

Holy Evil: You better believe it! When Virtue Knight, Count Justice and Quincy Rivera-Goldstein showed up to join Mikey Ripper in the UCE AoD, it was clear that the premier comedic stable was back in charge of the fed and would reign hilarity over all.

Stormfire: The Gothic Warrior Virtue Knight had some significant issues to deal with though. At some point of time in his last fed he lost his ability to remember things. Forgetful Virtue couldn’t remember who he was, who anyone else was, or what he was doing from one moment to the next! After he gots shot and stabbed he didn’t even remember that he was in pain. And if you tried to ask him how he won the Nemesis Title, he wouldn’t know the answer! Heck, he wouldn’t even remember what the Nemesis title was!

Holy Evil: Perhaps even more funny was how he lost that title! When Virtue was fighting Von Doom, Von Doom tried to convince Virtue that he was in fact King Richard, back from the Crusades! Somehow Virtue remembered that he should obey royal orders and laid down for the king to allow an easy pin. Yet before the ref could count to three, Virtue Knight already FORGOT what he was doing and stood up again! Finally, Von Doom came up with an even cleverer plan where he showed a sign to Virtue Knight, informing him that he was, in fact, a throw rug. Believing it, Virtue laid down again… this time for a three count.

Stormfire: And before revealing himself to be OFM, Quincy Rivera-Goldstein was up to all sorts of AoD antics too! As a legless, homosexual, Mexican Jew – he was a minority in all senses of the word. Yet often his homosexual nature dominated his personality, as he especially seemed to have a thing for men sitting on his lap! Often Johnny Marlowe had to escape his clutches, once using the old “marbles on the floor” trick.

Holy Evil: How does that work with a legless guy in a wheelchair again?

Stormfire: *shrugs shoulders* Quincy also brought out his powerful Gay-ser… a laser that turned people gay. He zapped Johnny Marlowe with it, but wasn’t pleased with the results as gay Marlowe told him that he could have any man that he wanted and didn’t want a HALF man. Ooo… cold! After getting another shot which turned him into a stereotypical straight man, the two called a truce and Marlowe was restored to his normal super cool detective guy self. Oh yeah, and Quincy was often accompanied by his assistant – STUMAN!

Holy Evil: And what was Ripper doing? As usual, he was up to his AoD clowning around. He wielded a new dreaded foreign object this month – a rubber chicken stuffed with coins! Another method that helped him in the ring once this month was his distraction of the ref by telling him to check out a fat chick in the audience! With me gone as his partner, he teamed up with the non-AoDer Alex Asylum again. But that didn’t stop him from all sorts of nonsensical AoD quests.

Stormfire: But little did the AoD know that a council of villains… a Council of AoD Villains… was watching over everything they did! They waited for the right time to strike in order to wipe out the AoD forever.

Holy Evil: The Council of AoD Villains was led by B-movie actor Bruce Campbell. Ever since Bruce learned that the Army of Darkness stable had stolen the name of one of his movie, he has sought vengeance! The Council first appeared at a base on the MOON where they watched what the AoD was up to from afar. Joining Bruce Campbell was Mordred (enemy of the Gothic Warriors), Gary Coleman (Enemy of Benny Blair), Chernabog (Enemy of OFM), and later: Bob the Satantic Kitty (Enemy of Wingnut), The Concept of Heterosexuality (Enemy of Zephyroth) and Cyrus (Evil Narrator, reverse to Stormy’s cool narrator Bernie). The Council soon learned that they were very stupid. This was not just because Gary Coleman actually thought he could become governor of California in the special October vote, but because the council released that they were stuck on the moon with no way off! Fortunately, the inactive Magnifico flew up to the Moon with his rocket pack and tried to form an alliance between the Council and fellow AoD-hater Prototype!

Stormfire: And speaking of Prototype, he showed no mercy to poor inactive Mags, even though they were supposed to be tag team partners in “Awesome like Thunder.” Highland Terror tried to lecture Proto about this ill treatment. Proto really abused Mags appallingly and gave him all sorts of diseases and made him engage in some, well, “poo-eating.”

Holy Evil: Proto did have some interaction with the Council’s plots to destroy the AoD after they returned to the earth though. It seemed Proto couldn’t get enough of the Council’s hilarious creation – the Anthrax Sniper Fish! This was a villainous creature designed to destroy the AoD with the powerful disease anthrax, the sharpshooting ability of the Beltway Sniper and the fierce land adaptability of the Snakehead fish! Towards the end of the month, Commissioner Fats set up a Haunted Castle Halloween Event at the Steeplechase Arena. There, both Proto and the Anthrax Sniper Fish engaged in poisoning activities that put the welfare of invited children at stake. Proto did so intentionally because he is evil, while the Anthrax Sniper Fish did so accidentally as he fumbled around in his quest to kill the “Amy of Darkens,” which he couldn’t pronounce right because he was a dumb fish.

Stormfire: And while we’re on the subject of Proto, he continued his feud with Stan Daniels going back to the month before. Would Proto get vengeance against the System stable leader for Cabal’s loss to the System in Stable Wars? If you think that defeating Stan Daniels and retaining his UC title qualifies as a “yes”… then he did.

Holy Evil: Afterwards, in a number one contender’s match where Stan was fighting Mikey Ripper, Prototype showed up as the special guest referee. While everyone assumed Proto would help put down Stan once and for all, he actually helped Stan win – leading to a UC rematch! But Stan, the defending USOB Champion, continued his fall from grace by losing again. Afterwards he was booked against Count Justice and even lost to him!

Stormfire: It just goes to show what happens when you run out of money to buy stats with! Stan Daniels definitely needed his fix up with performance enhancing drugs this month, but his scrounging for them came to no avail!

Holy Evil: But before we move away from the subject of Proto and his inactive Magnifico buddy for good – the two were booked together in a special, one-time-only “Sunday Night Slam” event to determine the number one contenders for the UCE Tag Titles and T3SOB representation at the next day’s Monday Mindwarp. The two faced off against “The Fellowship” of Chevalier and A.J. Sawyer, and the T-Ex team of Austin Hardy and Chainsaw Max.

Stormfire: In the end, it was T-Ex that proved victorious and on Monday faced the Tag Champions Hooligan and Mike Anthony. Their winning streak continued as they beat the Edict members and got to move on to the T3SOB… or so they thought. In fact, it ended up that the Sunday Night Slam card was unnecessary because the T3SOB rules had CHANGED and the event wouldn’t be held for another week. With the rule in place that champs need to defend their titles in the week leading up to the T3SOB, Hardy and Max once again squared off with Hooligan and Anthony in a spectacular rematch! This occurred in a local New York gay bar named “Think Pink” with a lot of dancing and gruff looking men cheering on their sweaty action! Mikey Ripper and Stigmata even showed up at the bar! Stigmata CLAIMED that he was there to take out Hooligan in revenge for an attack earlier in the night, and Mikey CLAIMED that Quincy Rivera-Goldstein sent him there to buy a wheelchair. Hrmmm. The result of the tag match was the same though – T-Ex won the UCE Tag Titles, went on to the T3SOB and then took those Wrassle-wide titles too! Then at the end of the month, Chainsaw Max won the BMF. Good work, T-Ex!

Holy Evil: What contributed to T-Ex’s winning ways? Well maybe it was the awesome power of… 2002!!!

Stormfire: Huh?

Holy Evil: You see, in October, Austin Hardy was having a little trouble remembering where he was or what time it was. But his ignorance of the time had nothing to do with him not having a watch – he couldn’t keep the year straight. Hardy thought that it was actually 2002 and that he was back in his old fed, the AWA! Something in his mind was making him think that the UCE stars were old AWAers. In the big Tag Title rematch Austin even thought that Hooligan and Mike Anothony were old AWA lesbians. Say, remember when Nakedman said in the September review that Austin vowed to return to an “old school” T-Ex attitude?

Stormfire: No, silly! I wasn’t here when you guys did September.

Holy Evil: Well anyway, Austin obviously meant it LITERALLY. Chainsaw Max knew what the year was, but was unwilling to confront his buddy and covered it up, hoping to preserve the awesome T-Ex hot streak that was happening with the old school attitude. Thus Austin was left in the dark even by his own tag partner as to the fact that it wasn’t 2002.

Stormfire: Why did Austin think it was the past?

Holy Evil: Well, the answer to that question came at the time of the T-Ex v. Edict rematch! Then, we learned that Terri Kai was the reason for Austin’s false beliefs. You see, in the year 2003 T-Ex had become a wealthy stable, as opposed to when they were a poor stable in 2002 during their AWA days. By convincing Austin that it was still 2002, Terri hoped to swindle T-Ex out of all there cash without Austin even noticing that anything was wrong. Thus was the “Return to 2002” angle.

Stormfire: Another big event in October was the feud between the Knights and the Right Wing. When Chevalier and A.J. Sawyer showed up, Rasputin and Mr. C were definitely gunning for them. They weren’t alone as Edict member Violent K at least tacitly joined their group. Violent K whipped out his Singapore Cane and whacked Chevalier with it, interfering in the match and giving Mr. C a win over the Face of Faces. This same cane was used later when Violent K took out Krispy on Mr. Conservative’s behalf. Things were so bad for Krispy that his buddy Nar, who once left Krispy to join the Mr. C, came back to his aid.

Holy Evil: Chevalier battled the mad monk Rasputin in a Hellraiser Contender’s match featuring hardcore match rules. As usual, Chevy refused to use weapons even though it was hardcore. This is something the Gothic Warriors do too… erm… well, at least they used to do. Anyway, Chevalier was victorious and went on to face Stigmata for the Hellraiser Title.

Stormfire: Things were looking down for Chevy though as his “lackey” A.J. Sawyer, at least that’s what Alex Asylum called him, never got to prove if he had the personality to be a goody-goody Knight in the long run by heading off to SAFE. Yet in their Hellraiser fight, Stigmata showed a great amount of respect to Chevalier. Before the match, Stigmata offered to take A.J.’s place until he returned. During the match, Stigmata too waved his right to use weapons or fight “hardcore,” and had a fair match up with the Frenchman. When Stigmata proved victorious in the end, he was polite enough to help Chevy to his feet.

Holy Evil: And though Chevalier didn’t formally agree to become partners – they would be booked as teammates anyway.

Stormfire: Stigmata had a hot streak in his first month in the UCE. Just two weeks into the fed he was already Hellraiser Champion, defeating Hooligan – the man who finally ended Highland Terror’s epic reign with the Hellraiser Title. After a brief stint where Hooligan had cut his hair and gotten off the hooch, he came back with his drunkin’ brawler personality and took on Stigmata in a match that involved fire-extinguishers to the face and people being thrown off balconies. Hooligan would remember his loss though, and before Stigmata’s match against Chevalier, Hooligan attacked Stigmata and left him bloodied. Yet Stigmata fought anyway, against doctor’s orders, and even headed over to Think Pink gay bar to “get revenge.” Suuuuure. Stigmata also feuded a bit with Pennance, as the two apparently had deep history going back to other federations. But Pennance didn’t stick around for the whole of October. He left and BASKETCASE re-emerged in his place!

Holy Evil: In October Battlestone couldn’t catch a break in matches, was abandoned by Violent K, and proved to be just plain unpopular amongst everyone. His valet Pebbles, on the other hand, was much more popular and successful in her Catfight division. When Pebbles refused to come out to the ring with Battlestone, a rift was proving obvious. Mr. C tried to take away the only thing Battlestone had going for him, and win over Pebbles to the Right Wing. But Fats wouldn’t allow the loudmouth to have his way so easily. Proving that he is a true supporter of women’s rights, Fats decided that she should be put on the line in a match like a piece of property.

Stormfire: Yes indeedy! Fats also punished Mr. C again for a failed plot he had involving some NC title vacating that would lead to a 3-way UC Title match with himself and Violent K double teaming Prototype. The actions of Philly Fats, Proto, Battlestone and special guest referee Alex Asylum stopped that though. Violent K did end up getting his UC match however, and beat Proto- ending his hot-streak month on top.

Holy Evil: Mr. C was punished for his plotting by being put in a three-tier “Triangle of Doom” Match at Bad Blood. He had to fight 3 separate matches – a loser leaves fed match against the back-on-medication Alex Asylum, THEN if he won that he would move on to a fight with Battlestone for the rights to Pebbles, and then if he won that he could face Hooligan in an NC Title match. Proving that there is no God, or at least that he hates us, Mr. Conservative won all three.

Stormfire: But the REAL winners this month were the Despy award winners… well, except for the guys in the “worst” categories. Oh yeah! Let’s check ‘em out.

Most Funny: Count Justice, Mikey Ripper (TIED)
Best Catchphrase or Identifiable Character Signature: “FIE!” by the Gothic Warriors (Count Justice and Virtue Knight)
Best Video: Johnny Marlowe
Best Picture: Chainsaw Max, Prototype (TIED)
Wish You Were Here Stormfire, Soap Opera Man (TIED)
Worst Gimmick: Battlestone (as himself)
Worst Angle: Who Shot Commissioner Fats?”
Worst Role Player: Mags
Worst Picture: Quincy Rivera-Goldstein
Best Tag Team: T-Ex (Austin Hardy and Chainsaw Max)
Best Face: Johnny Marlowe
Best Heel: Prototype
Best Newcomer: Count Justice
Most Dramatic/Serious Role Player: Chevalier
Best Non-Match Role Player: Mr. Conservative
Best Match Role Player: Mikey Ripper
Best Match: The Tag Title Rematch at the Think Pink: T-Ex vs. Drunk with Power
Best Angle: The Council of AoD Villains
Best Gimmick: Johnny Marlowe (as Film Noir private eye)
Fed MVP: Prototype, Mr. Conservative (TIED)

Stormfire: And with Nakedman still unconscious-

Nakedman: No I’m not.

Stormfire: -I, Senor Enrique Stormglacius, shall name my: STORMY’S STARS OF THE MONTH! And I can say without any hesitation that the stars of the month were BETELGEUSE, SOL and ALPHA CENTAURI! Congrats you balls of shining light, you deserve it!

Holy Evil: Actually Stormy, that’s not what… umm… wait, never mind. That’s good enough for me.

Stormfire: Say Holy Evil, you know what happens when you re-arrange the word “eornvbme?”

Holy Evil: You get “November?”

Stormfire: Got it in one!

NOVEMBER