Holy Evil: September was a month in which a lot of people were distracted by Stable Wars… there were no shows and inactivity galore!

Nakedman: The comings and goings of September 2003 included… the arrival of FreightTrain, GarrenceS, Coming Attraction, Violent K, and… Magnifico!!!!!! It also included the departure of Necropus, Lyonell, Tweek Phoenix, Clarence T and at long last… DEATH JR! Horray! Deacon Kross announced that he would be calling it quits as of October, which leaves us all to question why he called himself “The Future of the Game” if was retiring.

Holy Evil: But more importantly, I also announced by retirement effective the end of the month.

Nakedman: The September roster lineup therefore included: Alex Asylum, Austin Hardy, Battlebitch, Chainsaw Max, Coming Attraction, Dan Haven, Deacon Kross, Freak, FreightTrain, GarrenceS, Highland Terror, Holy Evil, Hooligan, Krispy, Krispy's Mom, Lyonell, Mags, Mike Anthony, Mikey Ripper, Mr. Conservative, Pennance, Prototype/Von, Rasputin, Stan Daniels, Violent K, and Voices.

Holy Evil: Now like I already said, Stable Wars played a big factor this month. Many of the stable leaders and Stable Wars participants were in the UCE, causing the crossing over of feuds from the event to the UCE.

Nakedman: In fact, for September, the stable “Cabal” reformed with the sole mission to win Stable Wars, despite what Proto might tell you because he’s a liar. There was some controversy over whether Cabal should be allowed to participate, but there was also controversy over the fact that the ATM’s favorate customer, Stan Daniels, coincidently became the System leader just in time for the Stable Wars. A lot of the bitching came to a head during a mass UCE Stable Leaders Interview which featured Holy Evil (AoD), Deacon Kross (T-Ex), Stan Daniels (System), Prototype (Cabal), Rasputin (Flood, until he swerved them), and Mike Anthony (Edict). Lets take a look at a heavily edited and shortened transcript…

Rick Reason: What I want to ask each one of you is why you think your Stable is the best.

Holy Evil: Clearly, the AoD has set the standard of dominance in this sport. We've been around the longest. We were on top for the longest. Everyone knows about us and either wants to be like us or wants to take us down. And, quite frankly, we couldn't care less about any of that stuff. The AoD is about having fun and kicking back, plain and simple.

Rick Reason: What do you think, Mike?

Mike Anthony: I like Ice Cream.

Rick Reason: But what do you think about the Edict's chances in Stable Wars?

Mike Anthony: I prefer not to think about it.

…

Rick Reason: And you, Proto?

Prototype: All of you are ******* **** bandits trying to cheat and conspire to stop Cabal from winning. Maybe Necropus is (censored). Bastards. ****-nut *** ramming *** sluts. All of you are trying desperately to stop Cabal from winning whilst Necropus is (rest of line removed). The System are a bunch of whiny, smug, cheats. Yeah. Like how all of a sudden Stan "I spend at least $120 every month on a game" Daniels is the leader of System just in time for the Leader's Brawl. **** faced **** lickers, all of you.

…

Rick Reason: …Stan care to comment?

Stan Daniels: …As far as the last comment, I've spent money a lot of months but usually not even close to 'alf what I 'ave this month. And there a reason for my spendin' 'abits this month … the System isn't the only stable who spent a lot of cash this month and it makes me laugh when other stables spend money 'and then shake their fist at us 'cause we're doin' the same thing. Don't be mad if we 'appen to spend *more*, you're doin' the same thing we are, just on a smaller scale.

Rasputin: "Fah! Speak for yourself, heathen dog! The Flood does not need to recruit a bunch of pride filled superstars to vin! Nor did ve go the greedy route and try to buy ourselves a vin at Stable Vars. NO! The Flood is the most righteous stable in all of Wrassle! It is through God's vill that ve shall smite all of you godless savages!"

…

Rick Reason: Deacon, any comment?

Deacon: Yeah! T-ex rulz!!! And I will prove it! This is my last chance to prove to anyone that T-ex is a great stable. We are the most underestimated talents in this business. It's time for us to show the world what we are capable of.

…

Rick Reason: …Following up on something that Prototype said earlier about some people not wanting to see Cabal allowed into Stable Wars. To my knowledge, the members of Cabal had joined other stables and were not an active stable over the past few months. Should Cabal have been let into Stable Wars given that information?

Deacon: Why Not? They are the defending champions after all. Anyway, I think you get more props by beating the champion so they had T-Ex's vote to enter. The Cabal members are without a doubt, some of the best in the business. Maybe the best there is. I'm not joking. It's obvious they reformed Cabal to win the contest. But that doesn't remove the fact that some of them are the best in the world. I'm not talking about you Proto.

…

Rick Reason: What about the rumors that people are just plain scared of Cabal?

Deacon: I think some peoples are scared. Necro was the most vocal when he heard the Cabal was accepted in the Stable War. And recently, Stan use Burnt's *cough* ATM *cough* help one more time after Proto "boosted" himself. And that after using the same product like no one did before. Well, I use that product too and I must say that I’m not very satisfied with the result.

Prototype: Of course people are scared. We are awesome. Awesome like thunder. And that we reformed purely to win Stable Wars - not true. We had reformed as the Institution months ago - it was only when we found out that we would not be allowed entry under that name that we changed back to Cabal. Which is a much better name anyway, so everyone's happy, apart from petrified ass-spelunkers like the System and their inbred ilk.

…

Rick Reason: Moving on to the System very quickly here..... It's a fact that the System has shown itself to have deep pockets this month. BUT...so have some of the other stables and wrasslers in those stables. Is it fair to single out the System this month for simply doing what others were doing all along? I mean, did they simply out-do their opponents? OR Did they cross an ethical line in order to improve their chances to win?

Deacon: The System used Burnt's product on the right moment. That was a smart move from them. I did the same thing but the result were not the same. I must add that if you use that stuff too often in the same month, it's might backfire on you. So beware.

…

Prototype: [in reaction to the fact that the System and Cabal are tied for first place with no plausible other contenders left with the ability to win Stable Wars] It's only a two horse race if the horse that is in second at the moment is a gay, stupid, whiny horse that deserves to die of AIDS.

Holy Evil: After the endless challenges by Stan Daniels to get an NC title shot against Deacon Kross, Deacon hit Stan hard with accusations that he was the 'third wheel' of the System's behind Necropus and Dan. Deacon then questioned the legitimacy of Stan as leader of the System. Stan got the last laugh though, as Deacon granting the NC title shot proved a HUGE mistake when Stan beat him and took the title for himself.

Nakedman: Part of this Stan-Deacon animosity had to have come from the System’s attempts to usurp the newly signed GarrenceS and his big fat sausage away from T-Ex and to the System for a better lot in Stable Wars. The plan didn’t work though, as Dan Haven’s System recruitment techniques ended up a dud.

Holy Evil: Though that’s not to say that everything was working out for T-Ex. GarrenceS and stablemate FreightTrain clearly had some issues they needed to deal with. Garrence even threatened to leave the stable if Train wasn’t kicked out of their ranks. In the end, T-Ex did pull itself together and both stayed in the stable.

Nakedman: But not before GarrenceS and FreightTrain were booked against another in a three-way match with Alex Asylum. Yet the bout degraded into something more like three-way homoerotic fetish porn as GarrenceS and FreightTrain walk away from the match with warnings from Commish Fats. Solie and Gooch just plain walked away from the match, leaving to go get hotdogs during the match while Alex had to call the rest of the “action” himself. On his behalf, at least Alex didn’t no show this time.

Holy Evil: Perhaps it’s because he finally got off his medication in September.

Nakedman: Asylum also debuted his new leading lady, Tonya Harding and took the Catfight Title from Rude Girl. But in a quick turnaround, Alex’s girl lost the belt to Diana, who was now reconciling with Dan Haven. Awww! That’s so sweet. True love can never be destroyed.

Holy Evil: Like the love between you and your sister?

Nakedman: Y-… no.

Holy Evil: Alex Asylum, now a Cabal member, was probably a bit bewildered after going off his medication. But he must have been even MORE confused by the changing of just who the hell the Cabal leader was. In a fight between Von Doom and Prototype… VON showed up and took out the BRB Champ with a tranquilizer gun to gain leadership of Cabal. Von then took Proto and gave him away to a group of big fat rapists.

Nakedman: Mikey Ripper?

Holy Evil: NO!

Nakedman: Von debuting in a Von Doom match must have been fortuitous though, seeing as how Von alleged that VON Doom only used the name so he could draw from the coolness of the one and only VON. Von talked to Alex Asylum in the “Secret Lair of Evil,” a blatantly unoriginal rip off of Arsenic’s much older Evil Lair of Evil, and tried to get Alex to take out Von Doom with a chair.

Holy Evil: Eventually though, the Von-Von Doom quarrel came to an end as Proto later escaped the rapists and re-established himself as the Cabal leader.

Nakedman: The Von Doom story is an interesting one though too. At the beginning of the month, a mysterious masked man known only as “The Coming Attraction” debuted. The mystery remained unsolved after he no-showed his first card. But then he came out to turn a Mags-Rasputin match into a three way and revealed himself as non other than… yep… Von Doom.

Holy Evil: That wasn’t the only identity revelation though. Since last month, the Freak had been struggling with letting his inner self come out. While he teamed up with Pennance to form the “Allegiance of Pain,” his biggest action of the early month… or biggest mistake I should say… was attacking me. When he later faced me in a match, his mask was torn and he was revealed to be UCE Hall of Famer Vile!

Nakedman: And the story of Holy Evil and his buddy Rippah throughout September is a story that cannot be told without mentioning their deadly ally… THE FOREIGN OBJECT!

Holy Evil: Yes. We in Rippin Evil continued to rely on our feared foreign object, with Mikey stabbing Highland Terror with a pair of scissors once. The ref didn’t see it because he was distracted by Rude Girl’s newsletter. Mikey whipped out the foreign object again at T3SOB qualifier match against Drunk with Power, and locked Hooligan in a janitors closet, allowing me and Mikey to double team ice-cream-loving Mike Anthony. Contributing to Anthony’s downfall this month was the fact that in Stable Wars part of his ear got torn off and he couldn’t hear that well.

Nakedman: And in case you’re asking yourself, “Man! Where do all these foreign objects come from,” here is a little September mid-match footage to provide insight…

Holy: So all we need to do is get you a foreign object, and then we'll beat up Mike Anthony!

Mikey: YEAH!

Ripper attacks a nearby elderly woman and steals her walking stick.

Mikey: Here I go!

Holy Evil: Yeah, that’s to be expected from referees though. As for Mikey… he was involved in arguably one of the best matches of the month, if you believe in Despy Award results.

Nakedman: Right. A Ripper-Stan Daniels match turned into an argument over a bit of entrance music and the two are warped through space into a local music store where they met up with Wingnut, a bunch of store clerks and a handsome, handsome sexy man with a large penis named “Nakedman.” This was the famous “Record Store Rumble.”

Holy Evil: And what else happened in September? Mr. Conservative is kicked down the card a few notches after bringing a lawsuit against Commissioner Fats demanding that the Catfight division be open for men. After being stuck in a card opening match and winning, Fats decided that Mr. C’s punishment wasn’t done and booked him and Deacon Kross against Battlestone & Violent K, knowing that it would end up being a handicap match since Deacon was away at Stable Wars. Well, it did end up being a Handicap Match… but that’s because Deacon showed up in the nick of time to return to the UCE and Battlestone got back to his normal self by no-showing.

Nakedman: Battlestone also cowardly ducked a challenge by FreightTrain, proving why he is the Battlebitch. Vengeful Fats booked the two together anyway. As for Mr. Conservative, he again attempted to throw himself into any and every angle around. There is a thin line between having a diverse, healthy amount of interaction and being a total angle whore. Especially if you just repeatedly use the same “I hate liberals” angle over and over until the Monday Night Mindwarp viewers say “Wait, it’s Football Season! Why the hell am I not watching ABC right now?”

Holy Evil: I know, if there is one thing I cannot stand it is someone who does and says the same things over and over again.

Nakedman: Indeed.

Virtue Knight: Fie! *slays Moor*

Count Justice: Huzzah! *fondles maiden*

Holy Evil: Conservative also stole Highland Terror’s family heirloom, the McUmnabght Clan Kilt. He used it as throw rug: wiping his feet on it, dropping cigar ashes on it, and even peeing on it… as all people do with throw rugs, obviously.

Nakedman: Oh sure, Highland was pissed for a while… but it didn’t last. While for the first half of the month he was a true blue Systemite who formed the new tag team “Kandied Haggis” with Krispy… he too would fall under conservative influence. You see, Mr. C shot Highland Terror with a Mind Control Ray Gun and Highland then came out and shocked his fans by praising the way of the right! Tag Partner Krispy was similarly struck by the Mind Control Ray – but his fate was a bit different. Before his mind could be reprogrammed, Krispy wandered off and became susceptible to the first thing he heard. This just happened to be a TV Show about DINOSAURS! Krispy transformed into K-Rex and his mind continued to suffer from various influences until the mind control eventually wore off.

Holy Evil: Despite all this, nothing could stop Highland’s amazing reign as Hellraiser Champ that continued throughout September.

Nakedman: In other news, Austin Hardy continued his amazing popcorn selling ways even though his assignment to do so ended at the last PPV. Unwilling to let go, he just kept on being Popcorn Austin Hardy and selling his Oribi hoof juice popcorn that FDA inspectors found suspiciously loaded with beaks and feet. This refusal to forget about past month’s events seems to be a recurring T-Ex theme, as they have continued to grip onto that damn Namibia plot ever since May! Fortunately at mid-month Austin gave up the popcorn gimmick and proclaimed he was returning to his “old school” T-Ex attitude. But then again, we heard something like that before with his vow to have no gimmick. Dropping the popcorn shtick when he did proved too little, too late as he still took home the “award” for worst gimmick.

Holy Evil: Also in September, Violent K showed up and recreated an old team he had with Battlestone, “Partners in Crime.” Though Violent K would end up having more success on his own with is continuing feud with the Edict and the quest for his brother Jake. His biggest success came as he beat UCE Hall of Famer Vile and proclaimed himself a “Legend Killer.” He also proclaimed that the UCE was about to enter the “Violent Era,” but then again – we all know that the only true VK is Virtue Knight.

Nakedman: Other events include when Chainsaw Max got really drunk and blacked out for several days this month, only to find a pizza delivery man buried in trash nearby as his ass is glued to the T-Ex couch!

Holy Evil: Rasputin unveiled Sickboy as his new manager.

Nakedman: FreightTrain had sex with reporter Michelle Swanson for 30 seconds before a match, and then she did a quick interview with her left boob hanging out. Wow, FreightTrain lasts like 13 seconds longer than me.

Holy Evil: Speaking of SEX… after a string of no shows due to Stable Wars, Fats cancelled a Monday Mindwarp and arranged for the entire UCE to get 2 days of R&R at “Suzy Wong's House of Massages,” a full service Massage Parlor that included mud-masks, full body massages, jacuzzis and whirlpool services, featuring Ancient Oriental secrets to relaxation.

Nakedman: [insert Holy Evil has fetish for Asian Girls joke here]

Holy Evil: DAMN YOU, NAKEDMAN!

Nakedman: As to be expected, everything led up to the grand September Pay Per View, “Ascension.” But before Ascension, Stan Daniels made a stunning announcement.

Holy Evil: Stan easily defeated Mr. C in an NC Title Match. Mr. Conservative had just given an amazingly original condemnation of Stan by noting that he was Australian and was therefore descended from prisoners.

Nakedman: I know, I bet that’s the first time anyone mentioned that to Stan. Just like calling SPX white.

Holy Evil: Or just like people who think they are geniuses by forcing clothes on you.

Nakedman: Anyway, Stan beat him and retained the NC Title. But right then and there he dropped the title and evoked his right for a shot at Ascension for the UC Title, held by the soon-to-retire man at my side.

Holy Evil: Stupid Stan Daniels.

Nakedman: At Ascension, Holy must have hoped to go out and retire as a champ since he had been holding onto the UC title and one-half of the Tag Titles FOREVER! Instead, he lost both.

Holy Evil: It’s okay though. At least I didn’t lose to some suck-wad. Stan finally got the UC Title which he had passed up at the beginning of August when he refused to take the DQ win over Dan Haven. Stan Daniel’s other accomplishments? How about becoming the September USOB, huh?

Nakedman: Deacon Kross, also retiring, went out with slightly better luck as he put the beat down on Mr. C, getting sweet revenge against the man who had last month been controlling him like a puppet.

Holy Evil: Who won what Despy Awards? Well, I’ll tell you.

Most Funny: Mikey Ripper
Best Catchphrase or Identifiable Character Signature: (spits) by Mr. Conservative
Best Video: Prototype's Video by Highland Terror
Best Picture: Holy Evil (hilarious rotating USOB pictures)
Wish You Were Here: Stryfe
Worst Gimmick: Popcorn Austin Hardy
Worst Angle: The Return of Voices
Worst Role Player: Krispy's Mom
Worst Picture: Magnifico! (for being too lazy to change his Soviet picture for a gimmick that happened 2 FRIGGIN MONTHS AGO!)
Best Tag Team: Rippin Evil
Best Face: Stan Daniels
Best Heel: Scrototype
Most Dramatic Character: Rasputin
Best Newcomer: Von Doom
Best Non-Match Role Player: Mr. Conservative
Best Match Role Player: Deacon Kross
Match of the Month: 'The Record Store Rumble' (Stan Daniels vs Mikey Ripper)
Best Angle: Stable Wars (carrying over into UCE)
Best Gimmick: Prototype for being Evil
MVP: Commissioner Fats

Nakedman: As for the men of the month, I declare THE SYSYEM to be the UCE STARS OF SEPTEMBER 2003 for their amazing effort in both Stable Wars (they won it) AND the UCE! Even while preoccupied with the huge amount of activity needed to win the Stable Wars, the System still didn’t abandon the UCE. Cabal members’ UCE activity gets an E for Effort.

Holy Evil: Speaking of the letter E… isn’t there an E in the word “October?”

Nakedman: Yes! Yes I think there is! There are also ‘E’s in the words “Justice” and “Virtue.” Coincidence? I think nay.

OCTOBER