"Big Chief Wandering Flame Crotch" The great chief was wearing polyester white track pants the night he got his name. He had spent a long day skiing, and was now enjoying a few cold beverages with some of his travelling party.  Despite the fact that it was the coldest night of the year, they had run for the border to garnish food, so the mood was appropriately gassed.  The chief, not wanting to insult his hosts, joined in on the fun, and farted.  It was a loud, juicy, big chief stinky cloud of a fart.  But, then, to show his respect, he took it a step further and lit a long wooden match to dispel the discomforting disodor.  As the match burned, the party continued.  And then the a burning piece of the match fell onto the great chief's crotch, igniting the polyester.  Originally, the gathering thought the chief was trying to send smoke signals, but they later found that he was merely trying to put out the flames. He pounded and pounded his flaming crotch, only making a whole new kind of pain enter his veins. He stopped pounding, but then the flames revived.  Finally, after pounding himself, and the flames into a submission, the great white track panted chief arose to speak. "We should go to Kelsey's."  It was an offering that he had made continuously through the night. He left the room.  Again, the party returned to order, but it wasn't long, before someone noticed that the chief was gone. Search parties were quickly organized, and sent out into the cold night.  Big Chief was found, wandering the frozen tundra, walking in the opposite direction of Kelsey's, wearing his holy pants and his 1985 ski jacket. Lost and cold, but safe.  His roadhouse bar dream dead, but a new name born, he is now known as Big Chief Wandering Flame Crotch

Everyone has their stories.  As one of the most important traditions of human interaction, the art of storytelling gives life to human experience by sharing it.  Some of these  are true, and actually happened to me or friends of mine, others are pure bullshit, while the rest pull your leg and push the limits of reality. The point is that they're good stories, and deserve to be told. They might make you laugh, or think, or cry, but they  should  at least give you something to talk about.Check these stories out, and enjoy, think about, or completely trash. Figure out which ones actually happened, or not - I don't care - which is the whole point. Just take them for what they are.  Stories.  They happen all the time.

The Classics

"Broom and Spurs" It was a party, alright.  The team had just finished its season and was washing down all the memories of the year, while creating a few new ones as replacements.  It was a crowded apartment, and it got stuffy really early.  Two fine young men thought they had a solution, though, to their discomfort - if they could only get their pants to be a little cooler.  Where do you put stuff that you want to get cold?  Into the freezer, of course.  It didn't take long for the quick thinking young men to realize that it was going to take a long time to freeze denim to a comfortable point, so, after asking the obvious question "Ou est mi Pantalons??": They joined the Levi's with the top up - a convertible Westinghouse, if you will -and found it was actually quite a lot more comfortable than you would think, eventually getting down to the bare essentials (sitting on towels to prevent freezer burn).  Upon exiting the appliance, the two men realized that their apparel had apparently frozen solid, so to speak.  To cover their shyness, they looked for shelter. They found it in shoes, first.  A broom second. And finally, finding a recent gift from a neighbor, spurs.  After warming to the idea of being the only naked guys at the party, they carried on, cooler in temperature and attitude.  It was at this time there was a knock on the door.  Hmm, thought one of the two young cowboys in the broom and spurs, who could it be.  So the broom and spurs answered the door, back by a very naked tenant.  The first officer, a man, blinked as if to see if it were really true. The second constable, a woman, kept her eyes wide open, and did a poor job of stifling a laugh. Gaining composure and looking at the floor, the male officer asked, "Are those spurs?"  Then, with the door open to the police, a naked man with a broom and spurs, the music still rattling the windows, the young man's roommate opened entered the hall from his room, followed by a huge cloud of funny smellling smoke.  Seeing the cops, the roomate ducked into his room as quickly as he entered, and could be heard yelling.."Put it out, it's the friggin' cops, dude!!"  He popped his head back out and asked, "Is it for me?".  This was too much for the city's finest, who at this point gave up with a warning to turn the music down a little.  "But officer," replied the naked one at the door remembering the cops question about the spurs, "THEY JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE!!!!"

"The Radiator" WARNING: The following contains references to acts that are juvenile and gross. Funny, sure, and maybe even true. but they are definitely juvenile and gross.  The apartment awoke to her cries.  "Johnny, you SHIT on the radiator!!!"It was true, there, on the radiator by the window of her room, were the markings of a madman.  "It was squirrels. I left the window open last night."  "I thought you were just farting. Jesus! Johnny, that's gross  The bathroom is right there." It was true, the bathroom was not more than four feet from the room.  To crap on a heater is one thing. To do it in your girlfriend's room, and then blame it on squirrels is entirely another.  A classic, no doubt, and you would think that it is the only poo story I have. There is another one, though, and it goes like this. Once, when I was studying at a far away university, a friend came to visit.  We went out and got drunk, and he slept on the couch. When I got up, he was nowhere to be seen.  his belt, credit cards, keys and change were lying in  a pile on the kitchen floor.  The fridge door was open. His shoes were still there, and it was the middle of winter, so he hadn't gone far. I decided to search the building. It didn't take long. In the basement, curled up in a towel on the laundry room table, I found my friend.  This is what had happened. He was hungry when he woke up, so he went to the fridge, where he found a ziploc bag of pasta (a ziploc bag of pasta that I had told him had been there for two weeks).  He ate it. He tried to fart.  He more than farted. He emptied his pockets on the floor, took off his pants and gitch, and went to wash them.  Simple, really.

"ShowYour Cock at Hawk" A group of old friends have a tradition, like every groupp of friends does.  Every year, this group of friends, though,  go up to a cottage on Hawk Lake, and take their clothes off.  For the whole weekend.  Cooking, waterskiing, fishing -  entirely naked.  One year, during the barbecue hour of the evening, the next door neighbor was working on his dock.  A strange noise was emanating from where the young men were partaking in the annual Show-your-cock-at-Hawk weekend. The noise consisted of a very loud buzzing sound, followed the cries of "Do it again!! Do it again!!"  The neighbor investigated. As he rounded the trees at the shore, he saw about 10 young men, all holding hands.  The young man at one end of the line was also holding a metal spatula, which he was intermittantly pressing into the electric bug zapper hanging off the veranda.  The ensuing shock whipped it's way down the naked line, whence the cry of "Do it again!! Do it again!!" was heard around the lake.

"Constable's Best Friend" We were all underage, and the cops knew it.  But there was one young cracker who thought he could outsmart "the man".  And if anyone could do it...it definitely wasn't Ecker. The first questions were simple.  Cops: Have you been drinking, son? Ecker: No, officer, I'm an athlete. I don't drink. I'm training for the Olympics. Cops:  Then, maybe you should put down the beer. Ecker:  Just holding it, sir, it's empty. Cops:  Can you touch your nose? Ecker:  Yes. Cops:  Would you mind trying for us? Nice try.  What's your name, son? Ecker:  Cam Ecker. Cops: What are your parents names? Ecker:  Mr. and Mrs. Ecker. Cops: (laughing, now): Can you walk a straight line? Ecker started walking.  And walking.  And walking.  Two blocks later.  He stopped, looked back, shrugged his shoulders, and kept on walking. Nobody ever said he was stupid. Actually, they did, but he wasn't.

"Wrecked" It started as a clear night, with the moon reflecting off the calm water.  My first mate and I had taken to the lake with two young ladies and a bottle of wine.  We drove to the middle of the lake, and shut 'er down.  Despite the silence, we didn't notice the waves picking up. That is, until we were withing 100 feet from the rocky shore. We had also drifted - we guessed - a few miles downwind.  My first mate and I tried to start the engine.  My first mate and I couldn't start the engine.  The shore was now upon us.  After one bottle of wine trying to get 'er started up again. My first mate and I decided that it would be best if he and I made the long hike back to the cabin.  The ladies agreed to stand guard over our stricken vessel.  We, the men, hacked through the bush to the main road, and turned in the direction we thought most appropriate.  Gearing up for a long trek, we put our heads down. Less than a minute into our hike, we looked up, though (we were not in a very committal kind of mood) to find the cabin, in all it's dry and well-lit glory.  Was it a heavenly intervention?  Or just a drunken miscalculation on the part of me first mate and I? I'll let you decide.  The crux of it is, though, that we managed to get another vessel to retrieve the ship and its fair, stranded passengers.  That is, after a few more beers, and a game of basketball, of course.  The ladies thought it was a just a really long hike, and until you tell them different, it was.  Right?

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