| Jewish Jokes |
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| Jews have used a biting, sarcastic, and really, really funny sense of humor to deal with life throughout the years. Here are some great Jewish jokes, originally sent to Cheryl by Rabbi Raphael. If you have any other appropriate :) jokes, email me and I'll post them here. Jewish Telephone Call A Jewish man called his mother in Florida. He asked her, "How are you doing?" She said, "Not to good; I'm very weak." "Why are you so weak?" "Because I haven't eaten in thirty-eight days." "How come you haven't eaten in thirty-eight days?" "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called." Last Meal Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they want to have for their last meal. The Italian man asks for a pepperoni pizza, which he is served and then executed. The French man asks for a filet mignon, which he is served and then executed as well. The Jewish man asks for strawberries. "Strawberries?!?!" "Yes, strawberries." "But they are out of season!" "So, nu, I'll wait." Restaurant Rabbi Friedman did a double take: there in the restaurant, clearly visible through the large window, was the president of his congregation. And yes, that was a bowl of clam chowder the waitress was setting before him! As the rabbi watched in horror, the main dish, jumbo shrimp wrapped in bacon, was set down. Oblivious to the rabbi's disgusted visage, the president ate his way through his dinner. As he left the restaurant, the rabbi accosted him: "You of all people, leader of the congregation, supposed to be an example, how could you eat such treif!?!?" The president replied, "You saw me eat the soup? The shrimp? The bacon?" Rabbi: "Yes!" "Then there is no problem; I ate the food under rabbinical supervision." Jewish View on When Life Begins There is a big controversy today about when life begins: at conception, birth, etc. In the Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. Dying An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family came to see him but only one was allowed in at a time. His grandson, Ben, came in first. "Hello, Grandpa Moishe. Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes. Go tell Grandma Zadie I want some of her chopped liver." Ben went out and told Grandma Zadie what Grandpa Moishe wanted. She responded, "Go tell Grandpa Moishe he can't have any. It would kill him." Ben went back in and reported what his grandmother said. Grandpa Moishe commanded, "You tell Grandma Zadie that I want some chopped liver! I'm dying and it won't make a difference anyway." Ben went back out and told Grandma Zadie, who said: "Go tell Grandpa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva." Minyan A Jewish man was passing through Texas on business. He checked into a rooming house in what you would call a frontier town. Not to be conspicuous, he dressed himself in western attire and went into the only saloon in town. He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes, wearing six shooters and looking very gruff. He ordered a (root) beer. While sipping his drink, the biggest, burliest, scroungiest looking speciment walks and and proclaims loudly: "I hears thar's a Jew in here." The Jewish man cringes and says nothing. "I know yer in here, so yuh better speak up!" The Jewish man knows that eventually, he'll have to stand up and face the consequences for being Jewish in such a remote place. He stands up proudly. "I am a Jew!" "What the hell are you hiding for? Come with me, ah needs yuh for a minyan!" The Jewish Bear A Jewish man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Both are startled. Frightened for his life, the man runs as fast as he can and ends up in a cave. The bear runs after him, and he is trapped. Horrified, the man closes his eyes and begins to recite the Sh'ma in anticipation of his final moments. When he finishes, he opens his eyes and is shocked to see the bear with its eyes closed, apparently praying as well. The man thinks to himself, "How lucky that I've been trapped with the only Jewish bear in Creation. We're mishpochah -- I'm safe!" Fascinated, he listens more closely to the bear's prayer and hears, "...hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz." |
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