| The Hunger Artist or: The Food at Clarkson University Obviously, this is quite a departure from my standard topics since it is somewhat relevant to students whereas everything else I have written was directed toward individuals interested in the pseudo-philosophical. What could be the reason for this departure? A friend’s request of course. As many who attend this prestigious school know, the food at Clarkson is abhorrent and as the title’s reference suggests (which it may no longer suggest if an editor decided to alter it) may cause one to abstain from acquiring sustenance. This is quite a dilemma for those of us who do not have the means to consume nutriment elsewhere, how exactly can we procure viable and appetizing nutrition? Since I have no real idea on how to accomplish this without unnecessary labor I will focus on describing how terrible the food is on campus. The newly renovated cafeteria which students affectionately call Ro-Bro has the worst edible objects available on campus, though not by much. A couple recent examples of the horrid food are turkey slathered with some type of “gravy,” if one would dare call it that, with stuffing that was doughy and some type of meat sliced in cubes that had the consistency of rubber and a flavor that wasn’t too different. Also, one cannot help remembering the dinner that was actually four sides but was supposed to come with sausage, which was on the grill at the time and never made it off (at least while we were there, which was about a half hour, and they were already on the grill when we got there). Although the food is not inedible, I can hardly see how anyone could possibly enjoy the meals unless, of course, they are hobos in which case I assume they would devour anything edible in sight since they would be uncertain of when their next meal would be. However, though probably close to indigence, none of us are hobos so we actually appreciate flavor. Aramark thinks that buffet-style meals more than make up for the low quality, but I ask you, “How much terrible tasting food could one possibly eat?” Very little, I assume. Also, when one is in a hurry it is difficult to stand and wait the large quantity of minutes it takes to prepare the food, and even if one is not in a hurry waiting is quite a nuisance, especially if it is for something that is undercooked, like the omelets. Another grievous error is the low quantity of silverware and glasses available and the almost total lack of condiments, though the empty bottles are on the table as a sort of consolation, I suppose. On many occasions there existed a beverage deficiency of some type being either lack of carbonation or lack of beverages in general, except for water, from which many probably abstain in order to avoid fluoridation. Finally, a strange and repulsive odor exudes from within the cafeteria and has the propensity to attach itself to the fibers of one’s clothing, if not those of one’s being, which almost induces vomiting in all but those with the strongest stomachs. However, one cannot forget to give credit for the occasions where lunch has been satisfactory or even good – now if only there were one who could multiply this food to feed everyone for the year. The cafeteria is not the only place with sub-par provisions, Empire perpetrates similar foul acts. Here they serve chicken patty and hamburger every day, which is not necessarily a bad thing unless one ruins the hamburger even though that is nearly impossible. I do not understand why they would change it from what it once was to what it now is. They ruined the best thing they had going, and it was not even that good. As though all this would not leave one famished as a Jew in a concentration camp, the last haven of flavorful sustenance has been adulterated. The food quality at Cheel has steadily decreased since my stay here began. It has reached the point where Soviet dissidents in Siberia probably had better tasting food. Recently, I had ordered a sirloin burger, which is the best tasting thing they have, and when I tasted it I found it to be the most overcooked flavorless slab of meat I have ever eaten, and didn’t even finish it. The pizza thing ended up being like communism in that it seemed good initially but after a while one realizes it was too good to even be possible, yet some people still hold it as the greatest thing ever. They also cook pasta there (as well as in the cafeteria) that is undoubtedly over or under-cooked each time, depending on the cook, with sauce that is sweeter than saccharine cream puffs, which is a torture so harsh even Spanish Inquisitors would have a hard time justifying its use. Then there is the Home Zone, which had good food for dinner for exactly the two weeks and a day at the beginning of the 2002 fall semester and has since fallen into a state of greater disrepair than the Mir was in before it was dumped into the ocean, though the Home Zone deserves a much less honorable fate. One would argue that Subway is by far the greatest nutritional asset on campus, but the types of meats they stock are by far the cheapest and least appetizing and their quality and freshness is rather dubious. Really, I wouldn’t even trust them as much as a Jew would trust a pharaoh. These conditions are so terrible that if I were a theist I would make a Faustian pact for tolerable nutriment, but since I’m not another method is necessary to acquire it, hence this piece. Though it is not much, this may have some effect for pebbles have been known to fell giants. |