Part Two

The drummer stared hesitantly at the door, afraid to ring the bell. Taking a deep breath, he pressed the red button, hearing the soft buzz and then the approaching footsteps. He turned his face down to look at the carpet. A welcome greeting stood out in the middle of the rubber pattern. He struggled to stop the tears from reaching his eyes. He had cried enough for that night.

The door opened and then only silence followed. Kaoru stood still, neither did he slam the door shut nor welcome Shinya in. Feeling unwanted, Shinya could not help but let the tears fall from his eyes.

" Kaoru-chan, who’s that?" Toshiya’s voice flew from inside. It sounded soft and muffled.

" No-nobody!" he shouted back in reply, eyes never leaving Shinya’s sad face. The guitarist stepped outside and closed the door slightly behind him.

" Shinya, what are you doing here?" he asked softly, not wanting his lover to hear.

" Kaoru!" Shinya flung his arms around his neck and cried. "Die…he doesn’t want me anymore!"

" He’s awake? How is he?"

" He’s…fine but he’s angry at me…" his voice cracked.

" Shh…" The older man stroked his back in a comforting manner, feeling terribly guilty. Guilty because of that night and because of his own selfishness. Shinya was heartbroken here all and he was worrying about Toshiya coming out and seeing him with the drummer? This was his mainly his fault, how could he leave Shinya to suffer alone? He tried to think about Shinya’s problem and not his own.

" What am I going to do?" He stared questioningly at Kaoru.

" Kaoru! Can you get the phone?! I got curry powder in my eye!" Again, Shinya heard Toshiya’s voice.

" Okay, let me talk to him on Monday. Go home and take a rest. You need one." Kaoru gave him a brief kiss on the cheek and wiped the tears off. " I really need to go now. Don’t worry too much."

Helplessness washed over Shinya as he saw Kaoru retreat back into the apartment.

***

Die winced at the bright surroundings as he stepped out of the hospital. His body ached from lying down. Who had thought he’d get tired of resting? It’s not that bad staying in the ward all day long but he was not allowed to smoke and could only suffer silently. Finally now, he can have a cigarette!

But then he realised he didn’t have his cigarettes with him. He fumed mentally. His worries about his blood nicotine level drooped as he saw his lover coming out from his car. No, not his lover…not anymore. He looked straight ahead as if not seeing him.

Shinya waited by the vehicle for Die to pass by before he called him.

" Want a ride home?"

" No thanks," the guitarist said, walking pass him. Shinya was not about to give up. Following the taller man, he debated with himself about what he intended to do. All he knew was to have Die forgive him.

" Die, please, don’t be like this." He found it difficult keeping up with Die’s long brisk steps. Finally the older man stopped at the taxi stand. There was a queue for the taxi, fortunately for Shinya. Die turned his eyes upwards, leaning against the railing.

" What do you want, Shinya?" He sighed, running away from him wasn’t going to help anything, after all. Anyway, why should he be avoiding him when he was in no wrong?

" Die, I just want you to understand…"

" Tell me what you want me to understand," Die stared at Shinya’s face, his eyes weary. His bandaged head began to throb. Shinya opened his mouth and then closed it, lost for words.

" Well, I thought you wanted to explain something to me?"

" Die…" A few girls who just joined the queue were staring curiously at them. It made Shinya felt uncomfortable. " Why not we speak somewhere else?"

Die looked down at the tips of his shoe, as if thinking about the drummer’s suggestion, then he nodded and walked out of the line. Shinya trailed after him.

The summer sun shone upon them, making the weather hot and humid to their skin.

" Can you tell me what I mean to you, Shinya?" This time, his voice was soft as he spoke, almost startling Shinya with both the tone and the question.

"…"

" What do you feel for me?" the older man rephrased his question.

Shinya wrapped his arms around Die’s arm. "I love you…because I feel safe when I’m with you." The young man didn’t know if his cheeks were hot from the sun or he was blushing. Die kept quiet. They strolled down the streets like normal couples do; nobody took any notice of them. A feeling of contentment filled Shinya as he clutched closer to Die.

" Shinya?" Suddenly Die stopped walking and turned to face Shinya. He took a deep breath, fighting with himself for a decision he would not regret. Shinya held on Die’s hand as he waited with hope and anticipation. He tried to stop the tears from reaching his eyes but he didn’t know why his eyes began to sting with the unwanted moisture. He ducked his head so that the other man would not see this.

Die tilted his head upwards, his fingers held on his chin even as a lonely tear fell down. "Shinya, it’s time for me to say this…"

Maybe there were people staring at them, wondering what’s happening or maybe they were ignored. Die didn’t know as he felt the words leave his numb lips.

" I think our relationship should end here. You say you love me but I don’t see it that way…I know you like Kaoru but he is with Toshiya and you’re lonely…but I don’t want to be a substitute for something you can’t have…" he paused before continuing, now in a softer voice. "It hurts me to think about this. Maybe I was too blind to see that you had never let go off Kaoru…or maybe…"

I love you too much to want to see the truth…why? Why did you have to open my eyes, Shinya? All I wanted was to hold you in my arms and dream off in oblivion…All I wanted was to believe you loved me back…

By now, Shinya’s tears were flowing free like waterfalls. "No, you don’t understand, Die! I…I really love you…I…!"

Die brushed his hands off his sleeve and smiled at him. He pressed his lips against the crying man’s forehead. "Shin-chan, you’re such a kid. You must learn to hold the responsibilities of your words. Don’t just say it because of a spur of emotions."

Then Die walked off into the sea of people. Shinya didn’t bother to chase after him, he just stared at the receding figure with his watery eyes until it disappeared in distance.