The bed squeaked under his weight. He sighed. This was getting boring. The doctor had ordered him to stay at home for at least a week before resuming his normal routine. Die thought it would be great to have a holiday but now, alone with nothing to do, he really longed for work.

" Maybe I’ll go visit them…" he spoke the ceiling above him. Shinya’s sad face suddenly materialise before him. The soft brown hair…the clear eyes…the red and sensual pout of lips…the smooth skin…Ahhh… Then the uninvited image of Kaoru having them instead of him made him feel sicker than he was. " Bad idea…"

But then, he really was bored…

***

" Okay, everybody! Let’s practise!!!" Kyo shouted into the microphone.

" Kyo, don’t scream!!!" Toshiya covered his ears.

Shinya sat alone in behind the drums, his eyes fixed into space as he held the drumsticks idly in his hands. He cried out when somebody hit him on the head.

" Ah, Shin-chan misses Die, doesn’t he?" Toshiya poked Shinya with a finger as he teased the younger man.

Shinya brushed the bassist off but said nothing. A thin layer of moisture built up in his eyes as they started practising and he caught himself looking at Kaoru’s back but wishing Die was here instead.

***

" Shall we go visit Die this evening?"

Kaoru turned to see his lover standing behind him with his hands in his pockets. The bassist’s sunglasses stood at the tip of his nose. " He’s probably very tired now ne?"

" But we were so busy we didn’t even visit him while he was being hospitalised! He would think none of us care about him," Toshiya said.

Kaoru frowned and felt an undeniable dread gripping at his heart and tearing his mind. It wasn’t because he was scared that Die was angry at him…well, he would think that Die was very angry with him…but Kaoru was most worried about Die’s reaction and words when he saw him. He had no explanation to serve him. He wouldn’t want to use being drunk as an excuse.

The guitarist glanced at Toshiya. The young man was clad in a loose black shirt and blue jeans. He was whistling a happy tune as he went through Kaoru’s collection of CDs. A small smile reached Kaoru’s lips despite the feeling of regret and fear of losing his beloved plaguing him at the moment.

" Sure, we’ll go visit him this evening."

***

" I feel better than ever!" Die said as he placed two cans of beer in front of his bandmates. "But staying at home is sure boring…I even cleaned my closets!" He shook his head as he opened one can for himself.

" Ah, but it’s nice to have time, isn’t it? I mean, we’re always complaining about how tired we are…" Toshiya reached for the ashtray and gave it to Kaoru before his cigarette ashes fall all over his jeans.

" Hey, have you guys had dinner? I have some frozen pizza in the fridge if you don’t mind?" Die offered.

" That wou.." Kaoru began to decline.

But Toshiya’s voice was louder. " That’d be great!!! I’m starved!"

" Want some salad? I can make that too."

" Sure," Toshiya smiled.

" Okay, you’ll have to wait a while though. Being bedridden for a week sure slowed down my movements," Die stuck his tongue out before hurrying to the kitchen.

Toshiya, unaware of how tensed Kaoru was, switched on the TV and began flipping channels. Kaoru, on the other hand, was all the more anxious to get out of Die’s apartment. He couldn’t rub off the persistent picture of that night he came here with Shinya and did something he really shouldn’t have done.

The younger man abruptly stood up.

" Where are you going?"

" Toilet."

Then he padded away as if it was his own home.

***

Die was busy slicing up the hard boiled eggs when he heard somebody cough behind him to catch his attention. He didn’t have to turn around to know who that was. He had to tell himself that there was no reason for him to get angry. Shinya was not his now…Shinya was never his…

" Yes?"

" I wanted to have a talk with you…" Kaoru said calmly but, in truth, he felt as if his insides were trembling. He hated this feeling of guilt.

" Oh."

"…about that night."

Die gloomily replied, "What about it? I’ve already sorted it out with Shinya. It’s okay."

" What do you mean okay?"

At times like this, Die found Kaoru’s I-must-make-this-clear attitude damn irritating. Why couldn’t he just let things be?

Always must be the mature one, always must be the leader! I know perfectly well that Shinya likes you more than me. I know that even though I had tried my best to please Shinya, he still thinks you’re better! What more do you want?! Why want to rub salt into my wounds?!!

" I mean you can take Shinya for all I care. It’s none of my business anymore," Die said, his words doused with acid.

" You broke up with him?!"

" Yeah, aren’t you happy?" The red-haired guitarist looked back at Kaoru, the knife gleaming in his hand.

" I didn’t come here to fight with you." Kaoru shook his head. I’m really sorry for what I caused."

" Don’t say sorry to me. Say that to Toshiya. You owe him that."

Kaoru grimaced internally, feeling as if heavy chains were pulling him down. "That night…was a mistake."

" You should have thought about that before you made your move, shouldn’t you?" Die commented through his clenched teeth.

"I suppose at that time, I didn’t think things would go as bad as this. It was not Shinya’s fault. Don’t get angry at him." Kaoru paused for a brief second. " You know, Die…he really loves you."

***

Toshiya hummed as he washed his hand. The water ran down the basin in soapy suds. He was really hungry now since he had missed lunch. Well, frozen pizza was better than waiting for another half an hour in the restaurant after all. He wiped his hands on his shirt and went out.

When he came back to the living room, Kaoru was not there. But he could hear shouting voices from the kitchen. Were Die and Kaoru having a disagreement?

Quickly he rushed to the source of the voices. He could vaguely hear somebody mentioning his name, then Shinya’s. He had no idea what the argument was about. It was a bit hard to hear through the wall but he didn’t dare go nearer, afraid that Kaoru or Die would catch him eavesdropping.

He heard Kaoru say something but it was too soft. But Die’s following response couldn’t have been clearer.

" I don’t need you to tell me what I should or should not do! I know how Shinya is! I know that if he really didn’t want to do it, he wouldn’t even if you threatened to kill him and his dog! You think I’m so stupid?! I know what I saw! And I saw you!…fucking Shinya in my room!!!"

***

" I don’t need you to tell me what I should or should not do! I know how Shinya is! I know that if he really didn’t want to do it, he wouldn’t even if you threatened to kill him and his dog! You think I’m so stupid?! I know what I saw! And I saw you…" Die grasped Kaoru collar and hissed into his face. "…fucking Shinya in my room." Kaoru stumbled backwards as the other guitarist let him go.

" Die! You’re just so fucking thick! You love Shinya, don’t you?! Why do you care about everything else? You should try to make him happy! You know how he feels now?!!!" Kaoru scowled at his bandmate.

Their fight stopped when a loud bang thundered from outside. It sounded a lot like the door of the main entrance.

Kaoru’s eyes widened in horror. "Shit! Toshiya!" He hastily got out of the kitchen and found Toshiya had vanished. " Fuck!" He grabbed his wallet and cell phone and bolted out of Die’s apartment.

Die stayed in the kitchen, unwilling to heed Kaoru’s words. He felt bad for fighting with Kaoru; possibly ruining the guitarist’s and Toshiya’s relationship. But the pain inside him was stronger.