So on we go...
But first, as a preface, let me first speak to the lead footed speed happy engine banger who weaves in and out of traffic stomping on the gas pedal and wont let up until you hear glass and smell your own feces -- I hope you hit a tree and die. Slowly. Alone.
Let me now speak to the eleven law enforcement officers on the list (and potentially more if there are any of you who haven't identified yourselves as such...). No, I'm not going to tell anyone to get some whiz-bang Binford Radar Detector 9000, and try to pull some 'did you use your tuning fork' bull on you after you pull them over. Quite the contrary. I'm sure that should you pull over someone who follows all of my guidelines, you'll more then likely let them off with a warning.
I am speaking to the majority of us. The casual every day driver who assumes that a "55 mile per hour speed limit means you can do 65", and the "as long as I'm driving with the flow of traffic I'm ok" driver, and as we all can appreciate, nobody ever does exactly the speed limit anymore.
I'm going to preset this in four parts.
-- How to not get pulled over for speeding -- by avoiding the problem, we render the need to weasel out of a speeding ticket unnecessary, right?
-- How to react in case you do get pulled over for speeding -- what are the do's and don'ts when under the prying eyes of Officer Friendly.
-- What do to if you're a balloon-head and get a speeding ticket -- loser. But not all is lost, as you can still minimize the damage.
-- Miscellaneous tidbits -- Random factoids and suggestions that don't fit anywhere else.
Part I. "How to not get pulled over for speeding."
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(a). Well, the Captain Obvious answer he is simple -- don't speed. With highway speeding tickets starting at 115km/h in almost all provinces, there's really no need to -- you can easily cruise along at 120km/h and not a cop in sight will bother you. Late for work? Leave earlier. Gotta get to the store before it closes? Leave earlier. Trying to make good time on that trip to go see mom and dad? Think of how much time you'll lose when you're in your holding cell getting yourself gang-raped by a bunch of drunk bikers. And if you want to speed through a residential area, just don't. PERIOD. That's just stupid. My father's a truck driver and by proxy, an excellent driving teacher (also taught me the in's and out's of swearing...trust me when I say he's a good teacher). He always taught me to drive through residential areas like some drooling palsy equipped retard kid is going to leap out from behind every parked car and chase down his bouncing red ball. I've been driving for ten years, and I STILL follow that rule. Places where people live, work, go to school, and play, are off limits to the zoom-zoom driver. Period. The two or three minutes you might save by hitting light speed through the back roads, as compared to the amount of time you'll spend in jail for running over little Drooling Johnny is *nothing*. If whoever is waiting for you can't stand you being two or three minutes late... SCREW 'EM.
(b). Radar Detectors. Useless. Junk. Ka-ka. Nothing but electronic gadgetry designed to give you a false sense of security. I've been pulled over more times with a radar detector, then without. Finally ended up giving it away to my brother, because I didn't want it anymore. For starters, let me introduce you to instant on or pulse radar, and to laser. Each of which by the time you detect it... Officer Friendly is already filling out your speeding ticket. Radar Detectors make you feel like you're the baddest mother out there. (Which we all know is false because hey... I'm out there too). They make you feel like you can drive balls to the wall because you've got a clean signal. Clean signal? Well, tell me just how clean your shorts are when you get those flashing lights in your rear view mirror. Pulse radar, laser, even helicopters that track your speed by those white lines marked on the highway all render your snazzy new radar detector virtually useless. And when you do get pulled over, and you do have those bright LEDs and beeping tones when the officer walks up to your window... YOU try and convince him you were speeding by accident.
(c). Your eyes. Are the best radar/laser/cop/accident/hazard detector you have. Keep your eyes open. Watch the sides of the road for cars pulled over. Watch you rear view mirror for those familiar headlights of the Crown Victoria, LTD, Caprice Classic. (If your province uses other unmarked police cars like Ontario does -- you're screwed -- good luck). Early Warning Radar -- watch for brake lights coming on the cars that are ahead of you -- what do they see that you don't? Besides, you want to ease up off your speed when approaching a car on the side of the road anyway, because Drooling Johnny could be chasing a spare tire. Also watch for other passenger vehicles driving towards you, that are flashing their headlights. They're trying to warn you about something ahead -- maybe something in the road, accident, ... or a cop running radar from the bushes.
(d) Flow of traffic. Think that you're invulnerable just because you're driving with the flow of traffic? Well, my answer to this is simple and was most eloquently described in a fishing joke. Cop pulls a guy over for speeding, who's defense was, "I was just going with the flow of traffic." Cop's response... "Ever go fishing? -- Yeah -- Ever catch ALL the fish?" -- Catch my drift? The 'I was going with the flow of traffic" defense doesn't work. More on that later.
(e) Lane choice. Simple. Left lane bad. Middle lane good. Right lane bad (unless there's no middle lane, in that case right lane good). Cops running radar on the side of the road will hit the outer lanes first. Besides the middle lane drive at a more reasonable pace, so see rule 1A above.
Part II. "How to react in case you do get pulled over for speeding"
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(a) 90% of the cops out there are NOT anal retentive morons.
(b) 90% of the cops out there are NOT anal retentive morons.
(c) Let me say this one more time... Cops are not anal retentive morons. If one has pulled you over, guess what dumb dumb, you deserved to be pulled over. You were speeding. This whole, "I wasn't speeding you must have measured someone else" excuse? Crap. "Your radar readings were off because I was too close to high power lines." Donkey Dumplings. The purpose of a cop on traffic duty is not to arbitrarily bust the balls of anyone doing 51 in a 50 zone. The purpose of a cop on traffic duty is not to blindly sweep the broadsword of justice in an attempt top raise revenue for his town. The purpose of a cop on traffic duty is to keep the jerks who do drive their cars like nut jobs from smashing into the vehicles filled with our moms, dads, wives, husbands, and children. If a cop pulls you over, there's a damn good reason. Don't be a piece of crap and deny it, because you're only kidding yourself. Bottom line was you WERE speeding. Be it by 5 , 15 , or 500 miles an hour, you were speeding. So shut up and take your medicine.
(d) Cops Safety. This is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR. I can NOT stress this enough. How many times have we seen those police video clips where a cop pulls over a car for a burned out taillight, goes up to the driver's side window and gets shot 4,295 times by the whacked out drug delirious dick wad behind the wheel? Lots of times? Well guess what... so have the cops. If you are unlucky enough to get pulled over, one of the best things you can do in your defense, is to let the officer know you're not a threat to him. Before he approaches your window... have BOTH hands on the wheel where he can see them. Turn your radio off. Have anyone in the car with you put their hands in a visible position. If there's a pair of cops, one approaching each side of your car, put BOTH windows down. If its night time, turn your interior lights on. If your windows are tinted, lower ALL your windows. If it's raining and you're going to get your imported Italian sheepskin leather seats wet -- too damn bad. The cop's going to be in a much more forgiving mood if he doesn't have to worry about your passenger Pablo coming up with a 9mm Glock from the back seat.
(e) Location. This goes closely with the safety rule above. Should you see those magical flashing lights in your rear view mirror, and can't pull over in a safe location immediately (i.e. no breakdown lane, or you're on an exit ramp for example)... stick your hand out of your window...give a thumbs up to the cop and point ahead to where you intend to pull over. This lets him know you're not ignoring him, and thus soothes the savage beast. And when you do pull over, move as far right as possible, so that when the officer is at your driver's side window, they'll be shielded from ongoing traffic. Remember, a happy, secure police officer can mean a forgiving, only-warning-giving police officer. And put your hazard lights (four way flashers) on as well.
(e). Respect. Harsh truth kids. That officer at your window... whether or not it's a he or a she, whether or not he has pimples or she is too short to see directly, whether or not he's good looking or her she walks with a limp, has the power to take that instrument of death strapped to their waist and start a blasting. They can take your license, your car, your freedom and if they feel so inclined, your life. They have the ultimate power. Accept this. Treat them as such. Learn these phrases: "Yes sir", "No ma'am", "Absolutely officer." Treat them with respect, and they'll treat you with respect. Most cops are NOT anal retentive morons. And don't 'yes sir no sir' them to death -- that gets dry. If you think to yourself that you're starting to sound like a broken record, then guess what balloonhead, you probably are. In the ongoing war between speeding driver and ticketing cop, you've just been taken prisoner of war. And in this prison camp, all they serve is humble pie, so eat your slice. And if it's a female cop, eat an even bigger slice, because little girl cops don't get as much respect as little boy cops. So compensate for it.
(d) License and Registration. We've all watched Dragnet. We know what they're going to ask for. Shouldn't you have it ready? In a word... NO. Should you have them readily available where you can get them within five seconds of being asked for them? Yes. Should you have them ready? No. Why not? Because here's what happens -- right after you pull over, you lean over to the glove box on her passenger side and get your registration, like a good little driver. Here's what the cop sees -- as he pulls this person over, they lean over to their glove box for a few seconds and they sit back upright. Are they stashing some drugs? Getting a weapon? Hiding something? Hmmm. When the cop wants your paperwork, he'll ask for it. Have it readily available -- you shouldn't have to go searching through 37 Tim Hortons napkins, 4 oil change receipts, 7 pictures of your ex wife and 19 used condoms to find it. And after you hand it to the cop... put both hands back on the steering wheel. Sudden grabs under your seat to get that quarter you dropped last week and HIGHLY discouraged.
(e) Passengers. Simple. Let's all play a game called "Shut up, sit still, keep your hands on your lap, and speak only when spoken to by the officer."
(f) Playing Dumb. One word. Don't. "Oh gee officer, I was passing everyone like they were standing still, I've left a pile of wrecked cars behind me, but I have no idea why you're pulling me over. >innocent blink< >innocent blink<" Any excuse you can possibly come up with, trust me, that cop's already heard a dozen times already. (Granted, the one guy who intentionally crapped his pants as he got pulled over, and then got out of the ticket by convincing the cop he had diarrhea, was rather resourceful). Don't piss the cop off by making them take the extra effort to explain why you're a dumbass. These excuses will not work: "I'm late for work/doctor/pick kids up/whatever", "I was going with the flow of traffic", "You must be mistaken I wasn't driving 130 km/h", "I thought the speed limit was 100, officer", "Well *my friend* the town selectman said he was going to raise the speed limit on this road". Try to use them and your next excuse will be to your boss because you have to take time off work for traffic court. This excuse has the best chance of success: "You're right officer, I was going a little fast. I was distracted and I can assure you it wasn't intentional and that it will not happen again." Not that aiming a 4,000 hunk of metal down the road while you fiddle with your radio stations is necessarily a good practice, but the cop will respect you for coming clean and not wasting his time by breaking his balls. Cops respect honesty. Not the "Well, I've had 18 beers and screw you too" type of honesty, but rather the "well, you caught me, now what?" honesty. Pretending you don't know the speed limit, or thought the speed limit was 5-10 miles over what it really is, or just driving as fast as everyone else -- ain't gonna get you dick. Trust me, trust me, trust me. You ain't fooling them. Best to spill the beans and hope to catch a break then to feed him a line of horse hockey that's going to give him indigestion and make him irritable.
(g). Back To Their Car. This is perhaps the second most important part in not getting a speeding ticket. NEVER EVER EVER EVER let a cop take your license and registration back to his patrol car, without getting your explanation in first. NEVER EVER EVER. If the cop heads back to his car without hearing your side of the story first, then you have ZERO chance of catching a break. Nada. Zero. Zip Zilch. As you're handing your license/registration over to the cop, explain to him that you believe you know why he pulled you over, you were going a little fast, you were having a really good day, weren't paying attention, didn't mean it, won't happen again, you'll be a good little boy/girl. Even if the cop acts like he's not paying attention, believe me, they are. You just make sure he's heard your side of the story before he heads back to his cruiser to run your drivers license through and make sure you're not a wanted felon. Even if you only convince them a little bit, then you've at least got a little bit of chance to catch a break. Once the ticket's written it CAN NOT be ripped up. There is no 'take back' once their pen has touched the ticket form, because they're all serial numbered and every single one has to be accounted for. So you have to get them BEFORE they break out the Bic. Cops are not anal retentive morons. Cops are human beings. EVERY cop gives someone a break form time to time. You do what you can to make sure you're one of those select few.
Part III. "What do to if you're a balloonhead and get a speeding ticket"
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(a) So you tried to be as un-intimidating to the cop as possible, and still you wound up getting a ticket. Sucks to be you. Take comfort in the fact that since you were speeding you do deserve the ticket and the worst you can do is get what's coming to you. On the back of your ticket there's usually the part to fill out whether or not you want to plead guilty or not guilty. ALWAYS ALWAYS plead not guilty. NEVER EVER plead guilty. Why? Not because you're trying to bust balls. But at because every single traffic court I've ever been to, the prosecutor has ALWAYS been willing to bargain, in the interest of getting the matter settled quickly. Always. Just by showing up in court, you'll stand a good chance at getting the charges significantly reduced, if not dropped altogether. This also affords you the opportunity to speak with the prosecutor -- who is a human being and we all know human beings give people a break from time to time. Your chances are also significantly increased if you already have a clean driving record, and/or if you approach the prosecutor willing to make amends. Nobody wants this case to go to trial, so make sure it doesn't.
(b) Don't challenge the cop's testimony. I'm not a big fan of this. I've read a few books, seen a few websites -- that suggest going to trial and pulling the "well officer, did you use your tuning forks in accordance with provincial laws" bull. In my opinion, unless you're not an honest to goodness lawyer (no pun intended), don't go here. Not only do you stand a good chance of screwing up and crapping all over your own shoes, but you also stand a good chance of pissing the cop and prosecutor off. For all you know, the officer testifying against you could be the godfather to the judge's son. If this court's local to you, that means you're likely to see this cop again, and having embarrassed him in court is not going to make him recall you too fondly. Not to mention cops network. If the cop says you were speeding, then guess what brother, you were speeding. Accept this as truth and work with it. Try to be your own little Parry Mason and the prosecutor -- who has seen your type come and go a hundred times -- will eat you alive. And don't piss and moan over little inconsistencies on the ticket -- "Your honor, the officer wrote on the ticket that my vehicle is green, while you can clearly see in this picture my car is turquoise." It's your ticket, and playing "tomato or tomatto" isn't going to get you anything but screwed.
(c). Dress for success. I'm not saying you have to show up in a business suit, but a rule of thumb is wear something that you'd wear to a nice restaurant. Your jeans with the ripped knees and your faded Iron Maiden concert-t ain't gonna get you far. Look like a responsible person who merely wasn't paying attention for a few minutes, and not a clueless idiot, and you might get the better end of the stick.
Part IV. "Miscellaneous Tidbits"
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(a). Bumper stickers. Choose them wisely, my prodigal son. Personally, I avoid any bumper sticker that is related to any hot issues -- politics, abortion, gun control, even sports. Why? Well, me, I hate the Buffalo Bills. One of the only few Raider games I went to see was at Buffalo -- -3 degrees with a wind chill of -40. My feet were so cold I had to take my gloves off and put them on my feet to get any feeling back in them. And the Bills won 30-27. This was winter of 1988. And I say to you now, that if I were a cop and pulled over some idiot with a Buffalo Bills bumper sticker, I'm going to ticket that prick for everything I'm worth. And if you've got a bumper sticker like, "Bad cop! No donut!" -- well, pretty much...you're done.
(b) Car color. Speeding ticket red. Speeding ticket yellow. Neutral black. Neutral Green. Neutral Blue. Slow white. Slow brown. Queer purple.
(c) Vehicle maintenance. Remember, the cop's job is to keep the roads safe. And even though they won't admit it, most cops won't even bat an eye if you break the speed limit by 8 - 10 km/h. But mechanically speaking, a brand new Lexus IS300 is a whole lot more capable of doing 140km/h then your beat up 1974 Chevy Impala with four mismatched tires and squeaky rear brakes. A cop's got to take this into consideration also.
(e) The Anal retentive moron Cop. While 90% of the cops I've ever had the delightful pleasure to meet on the job have been very courteous, polite, understanding and generally concerned with the welfare of the public, you will occasionally meet a Frigging A**hole Cop (FAC). I've met one. He was one of the tickets I got (beat that one though). Should the gods frown upon you and place this FAC in your path, just sit down, keep your mouth shut, resist the urge to call him an idiot, and start making your plans for speaking to the prosecutor about your case. I'd *like* to be optimistic and say that all cops are good people and the only time you'll run into a FAC is when they've just simply had a bad day, but who knows. Cops are people too -- they have fights with spouses, sick children, crappy bosses of their own, letters from bill collectors, etc, keep this in mind then explaining yourself in rule 2f above, and that might be to your advantage.
(f) Military. If you're in the military, you can for the most part drive wherever you want, whenever you want, however fast you want. When the cop asks for drivers license and registration, hand him your military ID also. They'll inevitably say, " I didn't ask for this." And you reply in your best basic-training-broken-spirited-i-am-a-sheep-who-respects-all-authority voice that, " Well, my first sergeant said that anytime we had any interaction with the police of any kind, we had to identify ourselves as Canadian military." This shows Mr. Police Officer two things: one, you normally follow the rules; and two, you're in the military so you're at least not some whacked out drug dealer who's going to pull a 9mm Glock on them. Not to mention the overwhelming majority of cops out there are prior-military themselves, thus spawning feelings of instant camaraderie because you both shared the uniform and both got paid dick while you were in. A Military ID is pretty much a get out of jail free card, unless you're a complete and total moron to the cop, you're speeding on a military base (duh), or you're in Singapore.
(g) One person states that their cop friend would have the tendency to let people go if they had a hard time finding their registration. The mind set being if they don't know where their registration is, then they haven't needed it in a long time, so they must not have been pulled over in a long time. This strikes me as kinda dumb. Granted, this person was from Alabama, so you do the math. If it were me personally, I'd get pissed off waiting, get tired of you wasting my time, run your plates and give you two tickets. Then laugh.
(h) A Rabbit. Personally, I prefer this technique, should I be on the 400 series for a long drive. Find a car traveling about the same speed that you would LIKE to be traveling. Drive slowly until he passes you, and then scooch over into his lane and ride about a half kilometer back. Should our rabbit pass a speed trap, the officer will flip on his lights and start to make his way to merge into traffic, thus giving you sufficient time to slow down and blend in like any other good little driver. If things go off as planned, the cop pulls over our rabbit, and we drive merrily along.
(i) Breasts. While I can't comment from the female perspective first hand, I can tell you this. If I'm a police officer and I pull over a chick that's got the top few buttons on her blouse undone...and she's showing me a little swell of breast...she gets off with just a warning. (get it?...gets off...gets off with just a warning...get it...get off???). Women may get royally screwed at the used car dealer, but they more then make up for it at the bar, and when pulled over by a cop. Show us some cleavage ladies, look up at us with those big bashful eyes and tell us you're 'soooo sorry', and you're good to go. A little leg won't hurt either, just so long as you're not a big moose. And if you get pulled over by a female cop, well, ladies you're on your own... guys you better have a rolled up tube sock handy.
(j) Weapons. Laws vary by state to state regarding the carrying a weapon in your vehicle, so you're on your own when it comes to following your particular state's P's and Q's on the matter. If you're carrying illegally, I hope the cop shoots you and your passengers dead, and then pushes your car off the side of the road so I have less traffic to contend with. If you are legally carrying a weapon in your vehicle -- ESPECIALLY if you have a concealed weapon permit -- I'd imagine it's be in your best interest to make the officer aware of this as well. Bad way: "Yeah I use my Glock 9 to weight down my registration so it doesn't get... blown away... when I have my windows down." Instead perhaps, much like the military ID, I'd present any CCW permit when you hand over your license and registration. Good way: "Officer one thing I do want to make sure you're aware of is that I am licensed to carry a concealed weapon, here's a copy of my permit. I just didn't want you to be alarmed should you check my driver's license and find out I'm licensed to carry." Said officer may ask to take control over your little friend during the duration of the traffic stop, and you be a good little boy and let them. If you're all legal, you'll get it back, and the cop will appreciate your forwardness. This all rolls up into the Cop's Safety rule from 2C above.
(k) Weather. What is a speed limit and how is it established? Check your drivers book -- a speed limit is the maximum speed you can travel based upon various factors: road visibility, proximity to residential areas, historical traffic accident data for that stretch of road, and the most important thing -- is set for IDEAL weather conditions. The 100km/h highway speed limit sign means you can travel up to 100km/h on a bright, clear, dry, sunny day. If a cop sees you doing 100km/h at night, in blinding fog, guess what -- he CAN (and most likely will) give you a speeding ticket. Honest Injun. And considering that he'll have to really put the hammer down to catch you -- thus endangering his own life so that you don't run into a bus load of nuns, he's going to be mighty pissed off when he finally gets to your window. And we all know pissed off cops aren't what we want.
(l) Already pulled over. Is it safe to go speeding past a cop who's already got someone pulled over? Well, safe for you? Probably. If he's speaking to the other driver (who most likely hasn't read this so doesn't have the knowledge you do and thus will most likely be getting a ticket), then he obviously isn't at his radar gun. I suppose that it could be an elaborate speed trap with one marked and one unmarked police car, just simply radioing ahead to more cops a mile down the road. But let me make one thing very clear. If you DON'T slow down when you're passing a cop involved in a traffic stop on the side of the road -- or a construction crew patching holes, or a guy changing his tire, or kids playing catch, or anything else of that nature -- then you're a complete moron. Let's say that you should slow down ¼ of a kilometer before these people and continue ¼ of a kilometer afterwards before speeding back up to your regular pace -- for a total of 1/2 of a kilometer at the lower speed . At 130km/h vs. 100km/h, over that ½ kilometer stretch of road, you'd save yourself a whopping 15 seconds. Is that really worth the one in a million shot that the cop trips on a rock walking back to his car and stumbles into the right hand lane? Or trying to control your car after a tire blowout that sends you careening towards the shoulder of the road? 15 seconds.
Now, am I advocating speeding? of course not. Am I offering any type of guarantee that if you follow my tips, you'll get out of every speeding ticket? No, of course not. But if you do, I'm sure you'll have much better odds. Learn from my errors. Become one with my wisdom.
Well kids, that's all I've got!!!!
Speed safely!