Afternoon of the Bitter Rain
a story by
vanhunks
RATING: Parts 1 - 8 [PG-13]; Part 9 [NC-17]
SUMMARY: Voyager has
returned to the Alpha Quadrant after five years. After the welcoming
ceremonies, Chakotay asks Kathryn again to marry him, but she rejects his
offer. He leaves, never to be seen again. Will they ever find happiness?
DISCLAIMER -
Warning: This story is high
in sap content, warm, comforting and uplifting (hopefully!). So, dear reader,
you might want to have your stock of Kleenex ready.
AFTERNOON OF THE BITTER RAIN
PART ONE
He stood on the sidewalk watching the building, his
eyes fixed on the second level - a wide arched window near the left corner.
From time to time a figure moved into view, then vanished again. When it
happened, his eyes narrowed, and a sudden gasp would escape him. The figure
never paused to stare long enough out the window onto the street below.
He had been standing there for the last hour, heedless
of the soft rain which dusted his hair with the finest silver drops that made
him appear grey in the distance. His raised face glistened as the water kissed
his skin and rolled in little rivulets down his cheeks, soaking the collar of
his red turtleneck. Drops perched precariously on his long eyelashes, before they too, lost their hold and fell off. Very shortly he
would be wet through, but right now, he cared little as he welcomed the mild
discomfort that getting wet caused him.
It was late afternoon, and the grey clouds had been
hanging low over the skies since the morning when they were at the Memorial
Hall for the last rounds of welcoming. The expected series of debriefings had
taken place in the two weeks since their return.
He had been at Kathryn's side in that time, supporting
her, helping her set a hundred things straight. She welcomed his nearness then,
always seeking him out, her eyes warm and happy. They were home, and the
tension of fighting every known adversity in the Delta Quadrant was slowly seeping
from her.
She had needed him then. He had given all of himself
then. He wanted to do so into forever.
I should be glad. I should be in seventh heaven. We've
been pardoned, boxed and dispensed with. No more Maquis, no more rebels. Freedom. Five years and four months was a long time to be
lost. After five years and four months, home was just a blessed feel of the
Earth beneath my feet.
He gave a bitter smile. This morning, she said 'no'
again.
Now the bleak afternoon, with the rain sifting down in
gentle cadence over the streets, mirrored the desolation he felt. There was an emptiness in him, a hollowness that over the years filled
with more darkness as each year passed and each year brought no relief. Each
year the distance between them grew even as their friendship remained the only
beacon on their lonely journey home.
Kathryn would never be his.
I never had her...
He sighed. There had always been too many obstacles,
too many walls erected by her so that she didn't have to commit herself to
letting go.
Marry me, Kathryn...
He knew she'd reject his offer, like she had done
twice in the last year. He wanted her final confirmation that she could never
come to accept him as a permanent factor in her life. For a while, a very short
while, there had been possibilities, but even that died in its infancy as
Kathryn became more and more obsessed with getting them all home.
He recorded in his heart the many times she turned to
him for comfort when a crewmember died, or when she had negotiated with
particularly difficult alien races and negotiations failed. He recorded in his
heart the nights she turned to him when she felt overcome by loneliness and
guilt, when she cried wildly in his arms for long frenzied minutes.
She needed him then.
Now he felt a fool for having asked again, because
with his request came his next admission: "I love you..."
He had watched her flinch. His heart became cold at
the new if not unexpected prospect: forever lonely.
"There will never be anyone for me,
Kathryn..."
Her own admission: What there was,
was enough for me, Chakotay.
Why did he persist? Was there always a forlorn hope in
him that he could one day, like a miracle, hear her say that she needed him?
Did he always yearn for just one look in her eyes that would be different?
Looking on him with tenderness, a look that would declare, nay, affirm her own hopeless dependence on him?
That was not his Kathryn. She never needed him. Not in
the way he wanted.
The wet seeped through his uniform, his skin shivering
lightly as the cold crept through his skin and settled in his bones. There she
was again, standing at the window. Now she paused and looked at him. He could
imagine how she must sigh in exasperation, or impatience.
I must see you again, my Kathryn.
Come to me...
*
He had been standing there for well over an hour,
Kathryn thought. She crossed the area of the lounge in front of the window
several times. Every time, he stood on the same spot, not moving from there,
even though the rain...
Why didn't he just leave?
Leave me in peace, Chakotay. We've never been more
than friends and colleagues. I can't give you what you want, Chakotay.
Liar.
You needed him only when it suited you, because you
knew...
"I'm here, Kathryn. Always..."
You used him. For years he was your willing receptacle
that received and absorbed all your heartaches, all your woes, all your
loneliness.
She gave a sigh and sat down on her couch again.
Reaching for her cup on the low coffee table, she warmed her hands around it,
the aroma of the coffee tingling her nose. She
breathed in deeply, then stared again into the
distance, unseeing, uncaring.
I can't let you do it anymore...It's why I have to let
you go...
Her mind spun to the hundreds of times in the last
five years that she reached for him, her own hands clutching convulsively at
him for the fear that she would drown in her own despair. Her responsibility
rested so heavily on her then that there had been days when the weight of it
brought her to her knees. He had been there to hold her hand; there to comfort,
soothe the fever from her brow.
Always he smiled when she complained that she rested
too heavily on him. Always he dismissed her plaintive objections that she used
him. Always...always...
I can't let you do it anymore, Chakotay. I can't tie
you to me forever and let you continue...
Kathryn wondered if he still stood on the sidewalk. It
had been raining steadily all afternoon and he had to be soaked to the skin.
What did he want? she wondered. Why did he still stand
there like a love-sick boy waiting to see the girl of his dreams?
The last time she walked past the window and shot a
glance at him, he looked bedraggled. He stood with his arms hanging limply at
his side. Forlorn. Lonely.
She could even see the rain water dripping from his fingers. It was as if he
didn't care. His short cropped hair lay plastered against his scalp, part of it
covering the tattoo that was so much a part of who Chakotay was.
Everything.
Warrior gentle.
She tried to push these thoughts away from her.
Putting the cup down on the table, she only half registered that she hadn't
drunk any, and that it had turned cold. Rising from her sofa, she walked to the
window again. Her heart thumped wildly for a second. He was still standing
there. He didn't bother to shield himself from the rain. It was cold, an
unpleasant afternoon. The dreariness reflected her own
spirits too.
Sighing, she walked to the door of her apartment. Even
if she didn't want what he offered, he could at least come in and stay till the
rain stopped and he had dried his clothes. It was the least she could do for
her friend.
Friend?
Liar.
Why lie to yourself, Kathryn? Why deceive your own
heart when you know you want him to be more? Why are you still afraid?
Tell him.
Tell him...
**
Chakotay froze in the cold as Kathryn stepped from the
entrance on the opposite sidewalk. She remained there, just under the awning
that hanged over the entrance of the apartment block.
She stared at him.
No movement from her as he started to cross the road.
His own movements were cranky, stiff from the cold as he treaded his way
towards her.
"Chakotay, you are wet through -
"
"Kathryn."
His lips trembled.
Chakotay used his palm to wipe the water from his
face. He stared at her for long moments, thirstily taking in her beauty, the
almost sad way that her mouth curved into a smile. He wanted to savour these
moments as his hunger for her flared again. She looked so...dear...so beloved,
he almost lost his resolve.
"What is it, Chakotay?" she asked, then
frowned, her eyes widening a little. Was she suddenly scared?
"I wanted to see you, Kathryn," he said, his
voice shaking with emotion, his eyes red as he tried to check himself.
"Chakotay - "
"I'm leaving, Kathryn."
"Chakotay, what are you saying?"
There was alarm on her face. What did she expect? That
he'd stick around and be her punching bag forever and nothing more?
"I'm leaving," he repeated, and his hand
went out to touch her cheek so gently that tears sprang in her eyes.
"Chakotay, I - "
"I wanted to see you, touch you one last time
before I go," he whispered hoarsely. "I will need this memory,
Kathryn..."
"Don't - don't go..."
"Be happy for me, my love..."
"Chakotay - "
But Chakotay's hand left her cheek. Her face burned
where his touch had been. He turned round and walked quickly across the road.
His figure blurred as the rain formed a silver curtain around him. Within
seconds he was gone.
"Don't go..." Kathryn whimpered softly as
she stared in quiet despair at the spot on the other side of the road where
Chakotay had slipped round a corner.
"I love you..." came
her whisper as he vanished from view.
The rain fell.
*******
END PART ONE
PART TWO
Kathryn Janeway stood a little away from the main
crowd. She had spoken with Admiral Paris, and had done the obligatory rounds of
socialising with Starfleet brass who were present at
Voyager’s first anniversary after their return home.
She cast her eyes round, looking at the guests, saw Tom and B’Elanna in heated discussion with
Seven, and Neelix trying to get Tuvok to smile. The Delaney twins were happily
chattering away with their new partners, and Susan and Mariah were holding
hands.
Kathryn smiled a little bleakly. They all appeared so
happy. All of them had come to greet her, and Tuvok had spent some time talking
to her. He was back on Vulcan, at the
Instead, she was in the midst of the Science Research
Institute’s latest research into transwarp technology. She had been willing to
release most of the information on alien life forms of the Delta Quadrant which
Voyager did not encounter, but the Borg did.
‘Captain," Neelix said earlier, "I’m sorry
that Commander Chakotay is not here."
"No, Neelix, he has not informed us of his
decision not to accept the invitation."
She had lied to Neelix. She didn’t know where Chakotay
was, and had not been inclined to swallow her pride and trace him.
"Perhaps he will be here next year," Neelix
offered. "The Commander was after all, the First Officer of
Voyager..."
So much for stating the obvious...
"Neelix, yes, maybe next year the Commander will
grace us with his presence."
"Well, Captain, I hope you enjoy the rest of the
evening," Neelix smiled, giving a half salute as he left her to join Naomi
and her mother, who had been reunited with her husband, Gresgrendtrek.
She had nodded to Neelix, been polite, smiled.
*
"She’s looking for him, Tom," B’Elanna said
where she was standing with her husband of three months.
"And he’s not coming, B’Elanna."
"She looks so lost, you know. Like the other half
of her is gone," B’Elanna replied, looking for a moment sad. She had not
seen Chakotay since their return. It was as if he vanished into thin air.
"I wish I could wring the Commander’s neck for
causing her such unhappiness, B’Elanna. She doesn’t deserve it - "
"Tom! The Captain played cat and mouse with him
for years! What do you expect? He was eating the crumbs from her table.
Remember the times when we saw him smile, and we’d know that the Captain had
allowed him to close the distance between them, albeit briefly?"
"Yeah, like kissing her, or holding her hand, or
touching her hair," he said a little acidly.
"Come on, Helmboy. He loved her. There was not a
crewmember on Voyager who didn’t think so, or who knew that she felt the
same."
"She misses him, that’s for sure," Tom said,
a little chastised by B’Elanna’s tirade.
"But she wore him down, with her giving, then
pulling and giving, only to take it away again. Imagine I did that to
you..." B’Elanna said reflectively.
"We weren’t the commanding officers, B’Elanna.
There were fewer restraints on us when it came to having an onboard
relationship. With Captain Janeway and Chakotay it was always different. There
were too many obstacles... Duty, command, protocols that prevented them from
exploring their friendship to deeper levels - "
"No one on board would have minded, Tom. You know
that! Chakotay..." B’Elanna sighed, "Chakotay suffered his pain in
silence. I guess he couldn’t take it anymore."
"And Captain Janeway probably rues it now that
she let him go..." Tom said with clarity.
"She does. She misses him..."
*******
Kathryn sighed. What did she expect? That Chakotay
would come and like magic say that they could start over?
She closed her eyes briefly as she remembered the last
time she saw him. He had been standing for hours in the rain, waiting for her.
He was soaked to the skin, he looked bedraggled and
desperately unhappy.
Watching him from her window, seeing the lonely
figure looking so forlorn, had ripped her heart open. She had made up her mind then that she would go down to him and tell
him that she wanted very much to marry him. She wanted to accept his proposal
of marriage. For once in her life, she was prepared to act on instinct, on an
impulse that filled her with delirium. She had been crazy then to let him wait,
to play with his feelings. She had been mad...mad! To let the only man she
loved go away from her, was something she could box and label as 'the great
Janeway folly'.
"I’m leaving Kathryn," he said that day. She
had turned cold at the words, her heart stopped for one crazy moment and she
couldn’t breathe. She knew that even with the coldness, the rain, the dark
clouds, she paled. What sick irony, what terrible trick did fate play on her
that day?
Her heart had been dark that day. She could never look
at another rainy day, and not feel the gloom settling in her. It reminded her
forcibly of the day Chakotay touched her cheek and said:
"I need the memory..."
Yes, she thought. That afternoon was the afternoon of
the bitter rain, always to be associated with her greatest heartache. There
were too many regrets, too many times she thought of how she treated him, how
she rejected him time and time again.
On rainy days she would remember, feel again his hand
against her cheek. She could even feel the trembling fingers as they seemed to
caress her soft skin.
She cast her eyes furtively to the entrances of the
hall, hoping she'd see his beloved face. How many times in the past year alone
hadn't she imagined that she'd seen him? A shock of short-cropped black hair,
someone dressed in command red, who walked like him, and she'd feel her heart
race like mad.
Once... Oh,
God...
Once she called someone Chakotay. She had seen only
his back, and when he turned to look in another direction, she saw the same
tanned skin, dimples. But it was a stranger...
Foolish! Foolish! Like a stuttering simpleton she
tried to apologise.
I must be getting mad... I'm seeing Chakotay in every
man who has the same height, the same build, the same colouring... How strange... On Voyager it wasn't that much different. I was with my 'family',
yet I felt the loneliness all the time. I was with so many, yet always lonely.
And right here, with Voyager's first reunion - an event which seemed likely
to be repeated every year - and I am lonely among so many people.
I am lonely. I have no one... No one...
Kathryn looked around her, saw Tom and B'Elanna stand
close together. She saw Joe Carey with his wife, Magnus Rollins with his
family, his teenage sons who were already at the Academy... There was Samantha
with her husband, even Seven who couldn't seem to tear
herself from Harry's side.
What do I have?
Years of regret.
*
"Kathryn, will you be visiting us at
Palings?" Admiral Paris asked.
She looked up at the grey-haired man. Sighing, she
said:
"Not this time, Admiral. I’ll be in deep space
for six months and I have a lot of preparations to make."
"Are you running away, Kathryn?" the Admiral
asked, a sharp, keen look in his eyes.
"I don’t know what you mean," she said,
gracing him with a tight smile.
"Kathryn, Kathryn, you’re in the Alpha Quadrant
now. You don’t have to sign up for these long missions -
"
"I enjoy it, Admiral..."
"Yes, I can see you’re enjoying it. Your mouth
has a perpetual droop to it, your eyes are always moving as if you’re looking
for someone and, you haven’t touched your drink all evening."
"Admiral, I don’t think it’s -
"
"You hoped he would come, Kathryn," Admiral
Paris said kindly.
Kathryn looked away, afraid that he’d see the tears
forming in her eyes. She tried desperately to stem it. She felt embarrassed
that he could read her like that. When she looked at him again, Owen Paris
thought he had never seen so much pain in Kathryn’s eyes.
"I - yes," she admitted softly, looking at a
spot on the floor.
"I saw last year how close you were. What
happened?"
She didn’t want to tell him. Her heart felt heavy. Last year...so many regrets.
"He left."
"I know that, Kathryn. He was offered a ship, and
he turned it down, even though he was promoted to Captain."
"He asked me to marry him," she said
finally. "Admiral, please..." She wanted to go, escape to her home
and pull the blankets over her head. She could feel the onset of another
tension headache.
"I’m sorry, Kathryn. It must pain you. You had
your reasons - "
"No - yes...no," she said in confusion.
"I made up my mind to accept his offer..."
"Then he informed you he was leaving."
Kathryn stared at Owen Paris. He was right, of course.
"Such an irony," she said bitterly.
"Did you tell him how you felt?"
"It - it was...too late," Kathryn said
sadly. "Too late..."
Admiral Paris looked long at her, and remembered his
own pained relationship with Tom, how the anger and pain and heartache vanished
when he saw his son again. Nothing else mattered. Nothing
else. He took his son into his embrace and loved him all over again,
unconditionally.
"Kathryn, I want you to promise me one
thing."
"What’s that, Admiral?" she said softly.
"Promise me that if the opportunity should ever
arise, you’ll not let it slip through your fingers. Forget then about
conditions..."
She smiled this time, wishing that there would be an
opportunity.
But Chakotay... He
was somewhere in this quadrant. Somewhere. What was he
doing? she wondered as she prepared to make her
departure.
******
Later that night she lay in bed in her apartment. The
emptiness that there had been a year ago, was still
there.
I was a fool...
Chakotay’s image came before her as she saw him on
that last day. Kathryn closed her eyes.
"Give me peace, Chakotay. Leave me alone now.
It’s over. You left, now let me be. You got what you want, didn’t you? You’re
gone and I’m here, with the pain and the heartache that just won’t leave me.
Is that your Warrior’s curse?
She turned on her side, to stare at the moon that
threw its beams on the floor of her bedroom. She sniffed sadly.
I’m morbid...
The moon crept further. Or was it the clouds that
moved in front of it to create the impression that it was? She turned
restlessly, unable to sleep. She had no idea that the reunion would evoke so
many memories. She wanted to see Chakotay again, hoping against hope that he’d
be there, hoping that he’d know of the reunion and then come. He could be far
away, or just round the corner...
And then what?
"Chakotay, I’m sorry that I played with your
feelings and your heart for five years?"
Then what?
"I love you, Chakotay"?
Oh, sweet moon, stay... she prayed silently as the
moon moved, and only a sliver remained visible.
When it was gone from her sight, she turned on her
other side, her head resting on her hand. The tears came. They came like they
did whenever she missed Chakotay too much.
*******
END PART 2
PART THREE
Four years later...
"Doctor Eykin, will they make it?" Chakotay
asked the harried physician, his own face sallow with the onset of the disease
that had spread like wildfire through the city.
The Doctor looked up from the critically ill woman he
was treating to the man who stood facing him. He sighed. So many had died
already and they were fast reaching a shortage of critical medical supplies.
Vaccines... This patient...
He cleared his throat. What to say to this man who had
done so much already?
"Have you sent an emergency message to Federation
Headquarters, Chakotay?" he asked.
"Doctor, you haven’t answered my question,"
Chakotay said, his voice terse. The Doctor almost shrank back, so fierce this
man looked. But, his family was dying...
"Your wife... I’m sorry, Commander."
Chakotay paled. What did he expect? He had wanted
confirmation that Tirza was dying. Still, it came as a shock, the reality and
finality clamping as two steel hands around his heart.
He felt dead inside. He looked at the other patient,
then at the Doctor.
"And - and...?"
He dreaded the Doctor’s answer. He was already numb
from the pain. He heard Doctor Eykin's soft sigh. Chakotay turned away, his
heart breaking. He didn’t want to hear...
"Your daughter will survive, Commander Chakotay.
She has not been as ravaged by the disease as other patients had. Her natural
immune systems combated - "
"What did you say...? Chakotay asked as he turned
to face the doctor again, not certain that he heard correctly.
"You daughter will recover from the virus,
Commander..."
The Doctor closed his eyes at the way Chakotay’s face
lightened. In the great tragedy that surrounded them, at least the little girl
had hope of surviving. Chakotay's daughter had a chance to grow into womanhood.
Chakotay bent down over small figure of the child. She
was still unconscious and yes, her breathing wasn’t as erratic as it was the
past few days.
"Did you hear that, Annie? You’re going to get
better," he crooned softly, wiping her brown hair from her face. Her hair
was wet from her constant perspiration. It was a battle to keep her temperature
from rising to the impossible levels that it did two days ago.
Two days? What was day and what was night? He had no
awareness that day had turned into night. It streamed along as a never-ending
nightmare in which he had been fighting to help the constant stream of patients
who were brought here. Tirza had helped too, before she fell
prey to the virus.
They had been at the hospital, aiding the sick,
comforting the dying. Tirza had been tireless, in spite of her own fragile
health. She would lie next to him in bed, and deep in the night she'd get up.
"We must go, Chakotay. There are patients who
need us..."
And always, he would get up and together they would go
to the hospital. Mala would sleep in the house and look after Annie for them.
Tirza.
He had been bitter and lonely when he had arrived on
Benara five years ago. Unwilling and unresponsive, he hadn't wanted to see another
woman, let alone marry one. Tirza had been kind, had understood his loneliness
and had seen his heartache. That first year...
He had been demented, missing Kathryn so much that the
pain sat in his chest every single second that he breathed. She was in his
thoughts constantly, and never a single moment that he didn't want to lie down
and just wait for death to come. At some point he knew, with some clarity, that
time would let a scab grow over his open wounds, that the wounds would heal,
and the scars remain.
Gradually, he began to focus again. The
thought that he would never see Kathryn again, the knowledge that she was lost
to him for all time, gave him the courage to begin living again. Still,
the scars remained. And that was how Tirza found him. He was a beaten man, but
the loneliness that ate at him so constantly, was slowly beginning to ebb.
Tirza gave him the courage to start again.
"I know that you don't feel the same,
Chakotay," she said that time when he asked her to marry him, "but I
love you with all my heart."
He felt a heel that he could not love her as she so
obviously loved him.
"It is enough, my love, that
you are with me. You are kind, generous and faithful. You have given me a
reason to believe in each passing day, Chakotay. And now," she said gently
as she caressed her belly, "we have this little miracle growing
here."
Tirza had looked at him with her heart in her eyes
then, and said:
"My life is complete..."
"Tirza, Tirza," he replied as he folded her
in his arms, "I am at peace now. I thank you for it..."
Now Chakotay, pulled back to the present, looked at
his dying wife who had given him so much of herself, and he remembered just
over a week ago, when they had both been taking a short breather. Tirza had
already begun to show the first symptoms of the disease. He had been so busy
himself that he never noticed how much weaker she had become. Her eyes were
sunken, her cheeks flushed and fool that he was, he
thought that it was just the normal exhaustion of non-stop working here.
"I’m sorry, Chakotay, I can’t..." she said
softly before she collapsed in his arms.
She had drifted in and out of consciousness since
then, the medication not enough to pull her through. She had never been strong,
he thought, and her system was already run down by the time she succumbed. He
had been at her side for four days, until another tragedy struck. Annie fell
ill.
For the first time he cursed himself that he settled
in the furthest outpost of Federation space. They were so far away from
everything, and medical supplies were running low. Already two thousand had
died. If they did not get help soon...
His message to Federation Headquarters had been short,
simply stating that Benara needed help. The particular strain of the influenza
virus was alien, never encountered before, which was why so many died without
even reaching hospitals.
Now, there was faint hope. Help was on the way.
"Oh, Tirza..." he cried as he turned to her
bed.
Tirza opened her eyes slowly, seeing first the blur of
her husband, before the haze gradually moved away.
"Chakotay..." she murmured softly,
"look after Annie for me..."
"You’ll get better, Tirza," he said heavily,
knowing he was...
"You could never lie,
Chakotay..."
She was wheezing, and her lips were dry. Chakotay
soaked a sponge and held it to her mouth. She was burning, her eyes bloodshot
from the raging fever.
"Shhh...don’t talk,
Tirza... You’re tiring yourself..."
"I’m dying, my love."
"Tirza, don’t..."
"I...always loved you..."
Chakotay leaned over to kiss her brow. Her hand that
rested in his was limp, without strength. <She’s going...> was his
anguished thought.
"Don’t leave me..." he pleaded in soft
anguish. He brought her hand to his lips and held it there for long moments. He
gave a sob.
"Thank you, my love, for the little time we had
together..."
"I need you, Tirza..."
"It’s almost over..."
"I love you..." he pleaded again.
Tirza opened her eyes tiredly, and turned her face to
him. There was a soft gurgling in her chest, and she heaved with every breath
she took. Her hand that had been so limp, suddenly felt stronger as her fingers
curled around his.
"I have always known...Chakotay...that you loved
another woman..."
"Tirza..."
"I...never spoke about it..."
"Please..."
"It was...in your eyes... always there... that
longing..."
Chakotay wept. His shoulders shook.
"I’m sorry," he said minutes later,
"I’m sorry..."
His voice was hoarse, bleak in the knowledge that she
knew...
"Please...do not be... For a short time, I
was...privileged to have a caring husband who...gave me...a beautiful little
girl..."
"You loved me, knowing that - that I..."
"Yes, my love... I am glad...that...I could...for
a short while, drive away your loneliness..."
"You did that, Tirza. I found peace..."
"Sometimes, Chakotay...I wished that -
that..." her voice trailed away and he sat up in alarm.
"Tirza!"
Her eyes opened again.
"There...is another who has the...key to your
heart, Chakotay. Let her...unlock it..."
Tirza closed her eyes again, exhausted from the effort
of talking. Her breathing was still erratic, her chest still with that alarming
gurgle. Chakotay knew the end was near for his wife. He had seen hundreds of
patients die in the last two weeks. He wanted to curse the gods for letting
this happen. Off-world travelers who had stopped by on Benara
and brought with them the virus. It struck the first victims within
days.
"Chakotay..."
"What is it, Tirza?"
"Find her..."
"Tirza, I can’t... There is nothing, only ashes.
It was just a dream, Tirza. A dream, do you hear? You gave me happiness, you
gave my life meaning..."
"Find her...tell her..."
"It’s too much to ask, Tirza..." he said
brokenly
"There..was a...corner
of your heart I could not touch, my love..."
"I was happy, Tirza," he said hoarsely.
"No..." her eyes rested on his, then they
closed, "you were... just content..."
Chakotay leaned forward again, and pressed his lips
against her forehead. A soft sigh escaped her. She opened her eyes again, and
tried to turn her face to the other bed.
"Annie...?"
"She will recover, Tirza," he said, hardly
able to smile, already tears forming in his eyes. "She’ll get better, do
you hear? Better..."
"That is good, my love. You will have
her..."
"She needs you, Tirza...fight, please..."
"I know I cannot be with her..."
"Don’t go..."
But Tirza looked at her husband for long moments, just
stared at him. Chakotay was distraught, so distressed that he did not register
that the soft gurgling had stopped. He wondered for a moment why it was so
quiet. Tirza’s eyes remained on him, until they appeared to glaze, becoming
still-staring.
"Tirza?"
Her hand became limp in his, and loosened from his
grasp. Chakotay gave a deep, pained groan.
"Tirza..."
*********
END PART 3
PART FOUR
"Papa...?"
"Shhh...baby, lie
still..."
Chakotay sat at his daughter’s bed, and he half held
her in his arms. She was so fragile from her illness, it was hard to believe
that barely two weeks ago, Annie had been healthy,
running and jumping, never able to be quiet for any length of time. Now her
light brown eyes were watery and weak, her hair damp, and her skin sallow.
But, she was going to recover.
"Where is Mommy?"
"Sweetie, Mommy was very ill..."
"Like me, Papa?"
Worse, she was much worse. She's dead. How can I tell
you, my child?
"Like you, honey," he comforted her.
Annie became agitated. She looked around her in the
ward; she was looking for Tirza. Sweet, gentle Tirza who
loved him so without condition, sweet Tirza who was dead.
"I want Mommy..."
He had cried holding his dead wife in his arms five hours
ago. Large, wracking sobs that tore through him. He
knew he was also coming down with the virus, and hadn’t yet told the doctor.
Little Annie needed him. She had opened her eyes a few minutes ago, expecting
to see her mother. She was so small, and at only three years old, too young to
lose a mother.
"Mommy...?"
"Shhh, sweetheart."
Annie started to cry, a weak, plaintive cry of one in
pain. He rocked her gently, all the while stroking her hair.
"Annie, remember when you had the little
bird?"
"Sugar died, Papa..."
"Yes, and wasn’t Sugar very sick?"
"Like Mommy."
"And do you remember how Mommy told you that
Sugar went to a special place?"
"Did Mommy go there, Papa?"
Chakotay’s heart broke all over again. His sweet
little Annie looked at him with incredible child-like wisdom. He knew that
Annie, with the resilience of a child, would accept that her mother will not
return.
"Yes," he whispered hoarsely. He hauled her
from the bed, pulled the cover along and held her in his arms.
"Mommy won’t come back anymore," she said
softly, then she gave a sob and cried. Chakotay rocked
her until she calmed again. His own tears scalded his cheeks.
Oh, Tirza...Tirza...I am alone...
"Don’t cry, Papa..."
He hugged her tighter to him.
"Chakotay..."
Chakotay looked up into the kindly eyes of the
overworked doctor. Everyone had been sleeping only two or three hours out of
twenty four.
"Yes..."
"Your little one is recovering, I’m glad to say.
She can go home now..."
Home...? Where is that? What am I to do...? I can feel
the fever in my bones...
"There is no one there," Chakotay said
hoarsely, "no one..."
"Papa, are you also sick?" Annie asked.
"I’ll be alright, poppet," he comforted her,
stroking her hair and kissing her still feverish cheeks.
"I love you, Papa..."
"Yes..." Chakotay managed to say before he
felt Annie lifted from his arms. He slid to the floor, hazy with fever, yet
still able to hear Annie’s cries.
I am dying...
************
Most of the time Chakotay was incoherent with the
raging fever. He had no idea where he was, no knowledge of the lone aide who
had been appointed to be by his side. Sometimes he heard the faint cries of a
child, then Tirza’s voice begging him to "find her".
And most of the time, he called a name they had never
heard.
Who was this Kathryn whose name Chakotay cried as he
lay in the throes of his fever, so close to death?
Young Mala, the aide, would voice her concern with the
doctor. Most of the thousands of victims’ bodies had been disposed of.
Chakotay’s wife was one of them. Why was he not crying her name?
"We do not know much of Chakotay, Mala. His wife
Tirza, a human like him, met him here."
Mala thought that they couldn’t have had many friends,
but they must have lived for their little daughter. Annie asked every day after
her father. She no longer cried so much for her mother. She knew that her
mother was never coming back. Poor little thing. So young to be an orphan.
"Mala," doctor Eykin, the physician said,
"you are blessed that you and your brothers have survived, and your
parents as well."
"We had been off-world, Doctor, and only returned
when most of the fever had died out. Yes..." she said softly, looking at
the unconscious Chakotay, "I am blessed..."
"His daughter needs to be taken care of, Mala. I
know your parents are willing to take her when - when..." The doctor
didn’t finish his sentence.
Mala’s eyes filled with tears. Her parents were caring
for other patients as well as looking after Annie. But Annie kept crying for
her Papa.
What are we to do when this man dies?
***********
Chakotay opened his eyes slowly. His body felt weak,
he was still raging with the fever. It was painful just moving his eyeballs.
The first person he saw was the doctor.
"Hello..." the doctor said tentatively.
Chakotay’s mouth felt dry, he was burning.
"Water..." he croaked.
Mala stepped up and placed the soaked sponge to his
lips. It was cool, a balm. He groaned as a wave of pain hit him again. The
coolness was, however, a relief.
"Annie..."
"She is cared for, Chakotay," the doctor
said. "Mala’s parents are taking care of her..."
"Until," he wheezed painfully, "I get
better..."
The doctor paused.
"Doctor...?"
"Chakotay, I don’t know if I should - "
"What is it?" Chakotay asked,
his voice a little stronger, and the hand that went out and grabbed the
doctor’s jacket front, suddenly firm.
"Please..." the doctor said, putting his
hand over Chakotay’s and releasing the sick man’s grip.
"The truth..." Chakotay struggled again as
sweat drenched his body, "only the truth..."
The doctor sighed resignedly. This man was dying. What
could he say? The truth like Chakotay wanted?
"The...Benaran strain of the virus has
mutated."
"Mutated..." Chakotay croaked hoarsely,
"into what?"
"A new strain. Only you and about two hundred others have this strain, Chakotay."
"It means what, Doctor?" Chakotay croaked
again as he tried to lift himself. He coughed, and Mala was instantly ready to
wipe the blood that trickled from his mouth.
"You may have a little longer than most people
here who died of the disease, Commander. The Ocron F17 strain kills slowly.
Three have died already. There will be pain. I'm sorry..."
The Doctor's eyes were filled with compassion. In the
first weeks of the epidemic, Chakotay and his wife worked round the clock with
very little sleep, to help the afflicted. He didn't spare himself. Now he was
dying. He had a little girl who would soon be an orphan.
"Annie..."
Mala stepped forward, and wiped the perspiration from
the sick man's brow. Chakotay coughed again, a painful racking cough that
expelled the blood from his mouth.
"My - my parents are caring for her, Commander
Chakotay. They do not mind at all. Annie is very sweet," Mala said
tenderly.
Chakotay's eyes were too fevered for the tears to form
in them. He tried to raise himself again, but the doctor pressed him down
gently.
He felt on fire, in a constant delirium, dreaming of
Kathryn, seeing her as the sun kissed her face when they stood on New Earth;
images of Annie running along the grassy paths towards him. Tirza, kind, gentle
Tirza... Kathryn again. He closed his eyes. Kathryn
is lost to me forever. I made my life here. I was happy...
"Annie..." he whimpered again.
"She is with my parents, Commander," came the gentle voice of Mala.
"Annie..." he cried again,
"Annie..."
The doctor and Mala could see the agitation rising in
the ill man. He wanted his little girl. Mala looked at the doctor, who nodded.
They both saw how Chakotay's chest heaved with the strain of trying to breathe.
A ragged breathing that was painful every time he drew in
air.
It may be very soon for him.
"Your daughter will not be affected by the new
strain, Chakotay," the doctor said kindly. "Unfortunately we are
unable to develop a vaccine from her antibodies that could counter your
condition. It will not be enough to work the miracle we are looking for. But
yes, we'll bring her to see you..."
"Please, Commander, you must try and lie still.
You are tiring yourself." Mala's wiped his brow with a cool cloth and it
seemed to her that Chakotay breathed a little easier. Perhaps it was because of
the knowledge that he would see Annie now.
*************
Mala and the doctor watched the tearful reunion
between father and daughter. Annie's long brown hair fanned over her father's
arm where he held her so close to him. For the first time, Chakotay wept.
They were heaving sobs, with tears that scalded his
cheeks, tears than rolled down and soaked into his pillow. He stroked Annie's
hair with desperate, quivering fingers.
He knows it's his final goodbye to her.
Mala looked and knew that Chakotay may never see his
little girl again, never have the privilege of seeing her grow into a beautiful
young girl. And, although the very sick man would rally and he may appear
strong again, it will be the beginning of the end for Chakotay.
She sighed.
Some of us are indeed blessed not to have these blows
dealt us. Others, like this poor man, is not so lucky.
Life has been cruel to him...
The doctor beckoned to her that they leave father and
daughter alone, that Chakotay could say his farewell. Together they left the
ward, the doctor to tend to other critically ill patients, and Mala to wait
patiently outside the door.
********
"I love you, Papa..." Annie cried in her
father's arms. Her small frame shook as she sobbed.
"Shhh, my little baby," he soothed
desperately as his tears trailed down his cheeks, "Mala's Mama will take
good care of you..."
"No... I want to stay here with Papa," Annie
insisted as she wormed herself deeper into the sick man's embrace.
"Oh, my darling, brave child," he cried,
"Papa is too sick to look after you..."
"Are you going away like Mommy and Sugar did,
Papa?" Annie asked tremulously.
Oh, dear great spirits, this child shouldn't have to
go through this....
Chakotay's arms closed tighter around his daughter's
small body.
"Mala's Mama and Papa are very kind people,
sweetheart."
"Are you going away, Papa?"
Oh, spirits...help a dying man find the answers...
Chakotay mustered his strength, and held Annie so that
he could look at her with his fevered eyes. His lips were dry, his throat
parched. His voice when he spoke, was a soft, hoarse
croak.
"Annie, sweetheart, will you promise me
something?"
"Don't go away, Papa..."
"Whatever happens, sweetheart," Chakotay
vowed, "whatever happens, I want you to remember that your Papa always
loved you."
Annie lay still against her father, her eyes strangely
dry. There were no tears. Her small hand reached out and touched the cheek of
her father, wiping his tears away.
"Don't cry, Papa..."
"I'm not crying, poppet," he said, trying to
smile.
"Remember, Annie?"
"Yes, Papa..."
"What must you remember, my sweet little
girl?"
"Papa always loved me."
Exhausted, Chakotay closed his eyes, his arm that was
so firm around the body of his child, slacking a little.
"Papa?"
But Chakotay had slipped into the blessed oblivion of
unconsciousness.
"Papa!"
********
END PART FOUR
PART FIVE
How like the gods to send the rain on such a day,
Kathryn Janeway thought. It was Voyager's fifth annual reunion, and held as
always, in the Zephram Cochrane Hall at Starfleet Headquarters.
Kathryn stood in her office staring out the window. At
1600 hours the proceedings would start, and as in previous years, those former
Voyager crew would line their little families before her and introduce to her a
new fiancée, or husband, wife, a new addition to the family.
She had come to dread Reunion Day.
Why they still persisted in having one, she couldn't
fathom, but it was good to see so many of them together again. Some would break
the rules just to be here, she thought idly.
I have no one..
She shivered slightly, and thought that her vacation
that was long overdue, would be the ideal opportunity
to take a rest.
The rain sifted down, covering the green lawns gently
in a blanket of white spray.
Oh,, Chakotay... where are
you now? Have you made a life for yourself? Have you found happiness, or are
you as lonely as I am?
The rain fell.
Somewhere, the sun must be shining...
"I need the memory, Kathryn," she still
remembered those words as if he had spoken it yesterday. "I need the
memory," she remembered as his hand touched her cheek.
Kathryn's hand went to her cheek, and it stayed there.
She did not feel the tears as they rolled over her fingers.
I still can't let your memory go, my love... There is
a place in my heart that is forever yours...
She was alerted to the present again when her door
chimed. Quickly she blinked, and wiped away the tears. She had gone into her
little private bathroom and taken a wet cloth and dabbed her cheeks.
"Come."
Her visitors stopped just inside the door.
"Admiral, I thought you might want to say hello
to this little squirt," Tom Paris said as the small child broke from his
grasp and ran to her.
"Aunty Kathryn!"
"Ah, Miral!" Kathryn said as she bent down a little and opened her arms. It was not
a moment too soon. The little whirlwind dived into her, and Kathryn felt a
whoosh of air from her lungs as Miral knocked into her.
"I'm sorry, Admiral," Tom said, "but
she refused to stay with Mom and Dad, and wanted to see her godmother
first."
"That's okay, Tom. I don't mind, do I?" she
asked Miral, giving her a big hug and kissing the child's rosy cheeks. She had
B'Elanna's faint ridges and dark brown hair, but Tom's bright blue eyes.
"I love you," Aunty Kathryn," Miral
said after planting some wet kisses against Kathryn's neck.
"I love you too, sweetheart," Kathryn said
as she put Miral down.
"Now are you going to Grandma and Grampy?"
Kathryn asked.
"Uh-huh," the child replied, running around
Tom, who eventually caught her and made her stand still.
"Coming, Admiral?" he asked with a smile.
Kathryn looked at Tom for long moments.
"You know, Tom, I'm getting a little frayed
around the edges every year at these gatherings."
"Who can blame you, Admiral? Everyone wants to
introduce their new offspring!"
"I daresay!"
Tom bent down, and spoke with Miral.
"Sweetheart, you know Grampy's office is just
down the corridor. Go say hello to him."
"Grampy won't let me sit in his big chair,
Daddy!"
Tom and Kathryn laughed. Miral had taken her crayons
and drawn pictures on the leather!
"No crayons!" Tom said.
"Right! No
crayons, Daddy."
They both smiled and watched Miral run down the
corridor and bang with her little fists on her grandfather's door. Tom sighed
and looked at Kathryn Janeway.
"You have something on your mind, Tom."
"Why have you never launched a search for him,
Admiral?" Tom's question was forthright, without preamble.
Kathryn paled. She looked out the window at the softly
falling rain. She kept her gaze there. She knew Tom was not going to leave.
They had this conversation every year. Last year it was B'Elanna who confronted
her.
What could she tell Tom? The truth?
What was the truth? Why should she tell anyone what was in her heart? She could
not confide her deepest despair even to her mother.
I only ever cried myself to sleep on nights when it
rained...
"I don't think he would be interested anymore,
Tom," she said with finality.
"I'm not so certain of that -
"
"Have you thought that he might have made a life
for himself?"
Tom sighed. He was a man. Some men found it unbearable
to be lonely. They needed a woman in their lives. Chakotay might have done the
same...
"Yes, I thought of that. I thought of that,
Admiral. But at least, you would have had some closure -
"
"There is, Tom."
"No, there isn't, Admiral, if you'll forgive me
for being so presumptuous."
"I - "
"Again, forgive my presumption, Admiral, but I
have never heard you laugh. You have become more aloof than you've ever been,
and there is a great untouchability about you. You should have moved on."
"Tom, now you are being a little out of
line..."
"I'm sorry. But Admiral, you are the unhappiest
woman I know," Tom said as he turned to the door. He looked back at her
and gave his parting shot: "For once in your life, Admiral, do the right
thing, be impulsive, and obey your heart."
Kathryn stared at the door after Tom closed it
quietly.
It's only because he cares, Kathryn. Remind yourself
of that. He would never speak like that if he didn't care...
Sighing, she looked around her, and left her office to
go to the Zephram Cochrane Hall. She was in dress uniform as she had been every
year.
Once again, she was going to cast her eyes around to
see if he didn't come...
********
She'd been standing a little away from the main groups
after everyone had done their obligatory greetings, and she had met new
husbands or wives or partners. She had seen young Naomi, now a strapping teen
even though she was still only ten in Earth years. Everything had gone
smoothly, and the ever ebullient Neelix had been to see her to regale her with
new recipes he created in his restaurant in
Her heart felt numb today, and the smile she put on
for everyone, beginning to hurt her face.
Perhaps Tom had been right. It was time she moved on.
Such a decision was long overdue, and perhaps tonight she should give Emerson a
call. He had been wanting to progress from their
friendship to something deeper. A doctor at Starfleet Medical, she had met with
him when she had her medical records updated on their return, and her first
medical in the Alpha Quadrant in six years, had been conducted by him.
Dear, dear Emerson. Too kind, too
generous, a good friend whom she didn't have the heart to hurt. She knew
that she would never be able to give him the love she knew he deserved - in
fact, what any man would deserve. It wouldn't be fair to him and so, in typical
fashion like she did so long ago with Chakotay, she expressed only her great
friendship for him.
He accompanied her sometimes to official functions,
and when he brought her home, was the perfect gentleman. He would peck her
cheek and leave.
He's too kind. I couldn't give him all of me...
Tonight he was on duty at the hospital. Last year
B'Elanna had given her an odd look and said:
"Admiral, I think you had better make the right
choice."
B'Elanna clearly meant she had to go out and find
Chakotay and do the right thing by him. Sighing again, she turned to leave the
party. It was almost finished anyway. All she felt like doing now was go home
and read old letters - dig into her tiny trove of mementos and think of him.
"Perhaps I should find out where he is," she
said to herself as she let herself in her apartment an hour later.
*********
"Admiral," Lieutenant-Commander James
Atkins, her personal aide, said, "you have an appointment at 1400. The
gentleman's been waiting to get an audience with you."
James smiled as he saw his boss's expression. It was a
week after the reunion of the Voyager crew, and as usual the admiral was in no
humour to address anyone. She would grudgingly allow him to confirm the
appointment and be on her best behaviour during the interviews. It was always
like this, and he sensed from the beginning, when she was promoted to admiral
four years ago and he appointed as her aide, that his boss was lonely. She
never married, or had a partner, and he heard that she had had a liaison with
Voyager's first officer at the time. Whether it was an intimate relationship or
just a close friendship, the fact that Commander Chakotay left the scene three
weeks after their return, left many wondering.
He was no exception when he came to work for her. She
was tough as nails, sometimes so hard and unbending
that it gave even him a few shivers. He had not seen the soft, compassionate
side that he heard she had. Unless of course it was to cuddle
her goddaughter, the little Miral. Then he saw a smiling admiral, and
her smile changed her whole face. He wished he could see that more often.
Admiral Janeway was a beautiful woman. It was the first thing he told Anina,
his wife. Only, Admiral Janeway was a little cheerless, and sometimes, when she
thought he wasn't noticing, he could see the bleakness in her eyes.
Whatever happened between her and Commander Chakotay,
it was something she had regrets about. That, to him, was as clear as daylight.
And then the rain. On those days her unhappiness was palpable. It pained him to see her
like that and he wished sometimes she would just go out and find her man.
"James, confirm the appointment. I hope it isn't
too long. Who is the caller?" she asked suddenly as she realised that she
hadn't studied her diary for the day.
"It's a doctor. A medical doctor from the planet
Benara - "
"Benara? But
that home world is on the outer perimeter of Federation space," she said
reflectively.
"Yes, Admiral. I believe that the planet was recently struck by an epidemic - a form
of influenza - that killed thousands of people within weeks."
"James, who's your source?"
"Er... my cousin is aide to Admiral Gordon.
Starfleet was asked to arrange for emergency medical supplies..."
Kathryn looked at James as he keyed in commands on a
PADD, setting up her meeting for 1400. Strange that Emerson didn't know
anything. Strange that she didn't know. But then Starfleet handled
hundreds of requests on a daily basis, and Benara's specific problem was not in
her field of work.
"Well, let the gentleman know it's confirmed for
1400."
"Admiral, it is 1400."
"What?"
James almost wanted to ask her whether she had been
sleeping. She was never aware of the time! And whenever she was tired, which
was often enough, she'd have her ubiquitous cup of coffee.
"Yes, admiral. Doctor Eykin is waiting outside. And he did travel a great distance to
be here, Admiral."
"An important interview then. Is that what you're saying, James?"
"Aye, Admiral," James said, giving a little
salute.
Kathryn smiled. She would just have to get this over,
and head for home.
"Dismissed," she said softly. James left her
office and went to the officer's mess to join his cousin.
*********
"Come."
Doctor Eykin entered and stood just inside the door.
He looked at Admiral Janeway, and thought she was a very beautiful woman. She
also looked...sad, he thought. He stepped forward until he stood in front of
her desk.
So this is the woman whose name Commander Chakotay
cried in his delirium...
"Admiral, I'm Doctor Eykin, stationed on
Benara."
Kathryn rose from her chair and leaned a little
forward to shake his hand. It was a firm handshake.
"Please, do sit down," she invited him.
"Admiral, if you do not mind, I will not keep you
long. I was asked to do someone a personal favour and deliver this message to
you."
For the first time, she saw that he carried a
briefcase, and he removed a PADD from it.
"I understand your planet has just been through a
bad epidemic," she said conversationally.
"Yes... we were grateful for the help we received
from other home worlds, Admiral," he said.
Kathryn looked at him, and he hesitated. It was as if
he was wondering whether he was doing the right thing, she thought.
"Well, what is this message, Doctor Eykin?"
she asked as her eyes went to the PADD he was still holding.
Doctor Eykin cleared his throat.
"Admiral," he said softly, "you are to
read this message alone. I think it is better that I wait outside, if you
please..."
Kathryn frowned. A very, very strange request, she
thought. She looked at him and nodded. Eykin rose from his chair and left the
room quietly.
Kathryn sat back in her chair and picked up the PADD.
She switched it on, and started to read.
**
Dear Kathryn
If you are reading this, then Doctor Eykin has
succeeded in getting hold of you.
I haven't seen you in five years, my friend. I don't
even know if I could call you that. What has happened between us five years ago, has happened, and I guess you have gotten on with your
life, as I have with mine. We have shared so many things while we were in the
Delta Quadrant and I have never forgotten how my life has been enriched for
having known you.
Perhaps you will think why I'm writing you this
epistle when I could perhaps have come to see you in person. You may think why
have I stayed away so long, and not made any effort to see you. But you know
that the last time I saw you, I was filled with so much bitterness. Please do
not feel bad that I'm saying this. You had your reasons for not wanting to
share your life with me, and for a long time I did not respect your wishes,
always hoping that one day you would say yes to me. That morning when I asked
you to marry me, I had already decided what my path would be should you reject
me again...
Kathryn paused for a few seconds, trying to breathe
calmly. By the second sentence she had known this missive was from Chakotay. His first communication with her in five years. Her eyes
were filled with tears as she continued:
I was selfish in thinking that I could hold you to me,
and selfish and arrogant to imagine that you could reciprocate my feelings. I
realise that you were right, that you had a bright future ahead of you, and one
which couldn't, as on Voyager, have me in its equation. I have made my peace
with that, and I have picked up the pieces of my life, such as it was.
I married a very kind and gentle young woman, Kathryn,
who loved me without condition.
You were married... Oh, dear God, Chakotay... if only
you knew how much I love you, and how much I regret everything...everything...
We have a beautiful daughter, whom we call Annie. A sweet, open child with light brown eyes and brown hair.
She has my dimples!
But I digress.
Three months ago, our planet was struck by the Benaran
flu epidemic. My wife died along with many thousands who succumbed to the
disease. Annie was also very, very ill, but she recovered.
I don't wish to bore you with unnecessary detail,
Kathryn, but there are things I need to say. We have been friends for a long
time, and even though I have not seen you in five years, even though we parted
with so much left unresolved between us, I would like to think that we are
still friends.
You see, Kathryn, I am dying. I have not long to live,
and I think that by the time you read this letter, I may already have joined my
father and his father. I have a strain of the virus that is irreversible, and
my coming death is slow and painful.
As my friend I want to make this last request to you,
Kathryn. I ask that you take my daughter into your home and heart and raise her
as your own. I have no family, and my late wife didn't have any family. There
is no one I could ask, no better person that I could entrust the life and
future of my only child to. She is a warm little girl, whose heart is big. She
has accepted that her mother died, and has also accepted that I may no longer be
with her.
She will enrich your life, Kathryn, as I hoped so long
ago that I could do for you. I know that you will not reject my daughter. All I
ask is that you love her.
Be her mother, Kathryn.
Your friend
Chakotay
Chakotay... dying? His little girl an orphan... A child with no mother, and, dear God, no
father... I love you, Chakotay... how could you think that I didn't?...
Kathryn Janeway didn't know that the sound in the room
was her sobs, that the wet on her hands were her tears
that rolled down her cheeks. The PADD slipped from her hands. Two things
hammered away in her mind: Chakotay was dying and he gave her his only child to
raise as her own.
Didn't you know how I longed to have a child,
Chakotay...?
She dried her tears, and when she felt composed
enough, she opened the door of her office, expecting to see Doctor Eykin. He
was indeed still standing there.
She looked for long moments at him.
"Where is she?" Kathryn whispered.
"Where is Annie?"
"She is sitting on a bench outside, waiting for
you, Admiral Janeway."
************
END PART FIVE
PART SIX
Kathryn stopped in her tracks as she approached the
small bench in the grounds of her office complex. The child was sitting there,
and sitting quite still. With a racing heart, she faced the child at last.
How like Chakotay she looks, Kathryn thought as she took in the little girl's features. The child
had long brown hair that fell about her shoulders, her soft tan and dimples she
undoubtedly got from her father. Her eyes were a very light brown, and probably
inherited from her mother... She looked
scared to death. This was a lonely, alien place for her. She had been uprooted
from everything familiar in her life, including losing her parents. Look how
her little hands were kneading the arms and legs of her soft toy....
"Hello..." Kathryn said softly as she bent
down in front of the child. "My name is Kathryn..."
Annie did not look up at the face of the strange lady.
Her Papa said she was a beautiful lady who would be her new mommy. Her lips
trembled, and her eyes filled with tears.
"I want my Papa..." she started wailing
plaintively.
"Your Papa said I could look after you,
Annie," Kathryn said in a voice she hoped sounded comforting.
"My Papa is very sick..." Annie said without
looking at Kathryn.
"I know, sweetheart. That is why he sent you to
stay with me..."
Kathryn's hands reached out and touched the child's
cheek. Annie looked up at last, her eyes first shy as
she took in the features of the strange lady who would be her new mommy.
Oh, dear God, she is as lonely as I am...
"Are you going to be my mommy?" Annie asked
shyly.
Kathryn Janeway, lonely Captain of Voyager, lonely
Admiral at Starfleet Headquarters, with few things in her life that ever gave
her joy, fell in love with Chakotay's motherless child. Her heart swelled and
swelled, and in the moments that she looked with heart rending longing at
Annie, she opened her arms to the child.
She should have been my daughter... She should have
been mine...
Annie leaned forward and Kathryn picked her up. The
child, who could be no more than three years old felt soft, warm, and smelled
so much of baby still that Kathryn wanted to cry as she sat down on the bench
and held Annie on her lap. She caressed Annie's hair, and instinctively kissed
the child's forehead.
I could never reject her, Chakotay. You knew I could
never reject her. It's why you sent her to me... It's why you entrusted her to
my care, and had faith that I could be her mother, as you knew I could be...
"Yes, honey," Kathryn promised softly,
"I am going to be your new mommy. And you know what?" Kathryn asked
as she gave Annie a gentle hug and held her closer to her. Annie looked her in
the eyes, and asked:
"What, Mommy?"
"You can call me Aunt Kathryn, Annie..."
"Papa said - Papa said I can call you Mommy. I
don't have a Mommy anymore..."
Kathryn Janeway's heart broke into a thousand pieces.
She didn't know how it could be possible that in the one breath she could
experience the deepest sorrow, and at the same time, the most profound peace as
she held her new daughter to her. B'Elanna, Tom and his father had been right.
For once in her life she had to do something without thinking of consequences
and ramifications. For once in her life, she just had to say yes.
Chakotay had known it all along.
Chakotay had known that she could one day be impulsive
and do something over which she would have no regrets.
Holding Annie in her arms, Annie who looked at her
with the same trust Chakotay had always had, Kathryn knew that giving this
motherless child her whole heart, was the greatest thing she had done with her
life.
"I love you already, Annie," Kathryn said
softly and dropped a feather-light kiss on Annie's forehead.
Annie burrowed
herself deeper into Kathryn's bosom, and Kathryn, new mother with a loving
child, held the little girl close to her.
She closed her eyes,
and allowed the tears to seep through and run down her cheeks unchecked.
Thank you, Chakotay, for letting me have
a part of you...
When Kathryn opened her eyes, she saw Doctor Eykin
standing about a metre away. He had a broad smile on his face, a look of
approval in his eyes.
"I have her luggage with me in the hotel where
we're staying, Admiral," he said gently as Kathryn rose, still holding
Annie in her arms.
"Thank you, Doctor, for bringing her to me, and
for not convincing Commander Chakotay to send her somewhere else. I am deeply
indebted to you..."
"The pleasure is mine, Admiral. Even though I had
my doubts, it was very clear just now, that Annie belonged with you. You are
the best link she will have with her past, her father's history. I think
Commander Chakotay had always known that she would be safe and happy with
you."
Eykin drew in a deep breath, then
smiled as he saw Annie twirling Kathryn's golden hair between her small
fingers. Already the child had bonded. When he returned, and her father was
still alive, he would have the pleasure of informing the Commander that his
little girl was going to be a happy. If the Commander was still conscious, that
is. Annie was going to be a well-adjusted child in the warm and loving care he
could already see evident in the way Kathryn and Annie bonded.
"I accept your words as a compliment, Doctor
Eykin," Kathryn responded.
"Admiral, if you do not mind, I would also like
to give you the medical records of both Annie and her father, and discuss with
you any questions you might have regarding the repercussions of the disease.
Annie has recovered fully, but as you have read in the Commander's letter, his
case is different."
"Doctor, thank you. I would like to study the medical files," Kathryn said to him.
"Right now, I have to introduce my new daughter to her new family..."
"I shall be at the hotel for the next few days,
Admiral. I will be sending Annie's luggage here, to you. It's not much, I must
warn you. We traveled rather light."
"Annie, would you say good-bye to Doctor Eykin?
We're going to see him tomorrow..."
Annie leaned forward and kissed the doctor, who gave
her a gentle squeeze, then left the grounds with a smile on his face.
My mission is accomplished... he was still thinking as he boarded the transport to the hotel.
********
"Well, who is this little pudding face?"
James asked as he returned from his extended lunch, and he looked at Annie
sitting in Kathryn's chair. She sat cross-legged while Kathryn sat in the other
chair usually occupied by visitors, or James.
"Her name is Annie."
"Well, Annie, welcome. My name is James. Are you
visiting Aunt Kathryn?"
Annie looked shyly at James, then at Kathryn.
"You can tell him, Annie."
"She's my new mommy..."
"Indeed?" James asked as he looked at
Admiral Janeway whom he saw for the first time since he entered the room, was
smiling. Her eyes shone, and the strain that had been on her face for years,
now gone.
"Yes..."
"Then Annie, you are a little miracle
worker," James said to her.
Annie simply frowned then kept her eyes on Kathryn
again.
"James," Kathryn said to him as she handed
him a PADD, "these are the things I need to furnish Annie's new bedroom at
my home. Could you arrange that it's ready in a few hours?" Kathryn asked.
"You bet, Admiral!" James crowed, then frowned heavily. "Admiral," he started again,
"where did Annie come from?"
"She is the daughter of Commander Chakotay,"
Kathryn said. "Her mother died recently, and we have reason to believe
that her father may also be dead." There was a sad, yet peaceful look in
the Admiral's eyes, James noticed. "And James..."
"Yes, Admiral?"
"Let's keep this news to yourself,
will you? I have yet to inform a few people, including my mother..."
"Naturally, Admiral," James vowed, then went out to get the things Admiral Janeway wanted.
**********
It was an exhausted Kathryn who finally managed to put
Annie to bed in her new home. She had been bathed, her
hair washed and dried, and smelled of baby when Kathryn eventually tucked Annie
in.
"Aunt Kathryn...?"
Kathryn's heart thudded wildly.
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"Will Aunt Kathryn read for me every night?"
"Oh, yes..."
"Papa read me a lot of stories..."
"He did?" Kathryn could picture Chakotay
sitting next to Annie and reading to her.
"He didn't read..."
"What did he do, poppet?" Kathryn asked,
knowing instinctively what Annie was going to say.
"He told me stories, Aunt Kathryn."
"I know, my little
angel. He used to tell me a lot of stories too, you know."
"About the Warrior?"
Kathryn smiled. This was Chakotay's daughter, all
right.
"Yes, honey. Now close your eyes; I'll be right
outside in the lounge. I'm not going away..."
Annie's eyes were already drooping, but she held out
her hand and touched Kathryn's hand.
"Papa said you will love me..."
"Your Papa was right, Annie. Now go to
sleep..."
Kathryn stayed with Annie until she was sleeping
soundly, then left the room quietly. James had been simply amazing today. The
second bedroom looked like a typical child's room. Annie's new single bed stood
against the wall. Pretty soon the room would be completely revamped, but what
was here now, was sufficient.
She sighed as she entered the lounge. There had been a
number of PADDs she found in Annie's luggage, but right now she was going to
study the medical records.
Oh, Chakotay, I miss you so much, so much... Now
little Annie is here to fill a lonely woman's heart. But how much would I have
loved it if you were here with me, with your little girl...
********
Kathryn held the PADD in hands that had gone suddenly
limp. The PADD sailed to the floor and she bent down to pick it up. Her heart
beat thunderously against her ribcage. She felt a little dizzy as she looked at
the details again. When the dizziness passed, she shook her head then took a
closer look.
She was no doctor, but she was a scientist. And what
she saw here...
One word flared bright inside her, and flashed over an
over as she studied the details. It was as if she could not believe what she
was reading. It had to be true, and if it were, if there was a sliver of truth
in what she was reading, then there was hope.
Hope.
It could change everything.
Chakotay...
If he is not dead yet, there may be a chance, however
small, that he could beat his illness. His little girl may still have her
Papa... And she? Oh, dear God... Kathryn paled as the
ramifications rushed along on a roller coaster through her mind.
I could lose Annie... I love her already too much...
Yet the reality burst through and with it, instant
action. She went to her study and switched on her vid-com. She placed a message
to Doctor Eykin, and one to Starfleet Medical, to Voyager’s former EMH.
In the morning she would consult with both of them while
Annie would go the playcentre. She had to be registered...
It was something Kathryn remembered when she stacked
away Annie’s clothes. There were the few PADDs Chakotay sent with her. She
opened the desk drawer and picked up the first one, containing Annie’s birth
details.
I would have to wait now before I can adopt her
officially.
Then her eyes locked on something which made her heart
turn cold, then warm, and the next moment caused her to burst into tears again.
My darling Chakotay... How could I not love you back?
*
Later, lying in bed, she thought of the events of the
day. What started as a rainy, gloomy day, turned to sunshine in the late afternoon. She had been deeply sad and gloomy, then lifted to experience great peace and happiness.
She sighed. Even if she were to lose Annie again, at
least she’d would have seen Chakotay and returned her to the one parent whom
she loved above all.
She fell into a peaceful slumber, dreaming of
Chakotay, seeing Annie happily jumping between them while they held the child’s
hands.
Sometime in the night she shifted a little lazily, her
arms going round the dream figure, crooning in comforting tones even though she
was still in a slumber.
*********
Kathryn awoke the next morning early feeling a warmth she hadn’t felt in years. She stretched lazily in
bed, and only when her arm knocked against something, did she realise she
wasn’t alone.
"Annie...?"
"I was scared, Aunt Kathryn..."
Kathryn pulled the little girl closer, hugging her,
and gave her a kiss.
"And so you walked through the dark to my
room?"
"Uh-huh..."
"That means you weren’t so scared, poppet."
The child responded by worming deeper into Kathryn’s
arms. She felt soft and warm and smelled of baby powder. Kathryn sighed with
contentment as she kissed Annie’s forehead, and caressed her hair. Like that
they lay until they slept again.
********
Kathryn looked at the EMH and then at Doctor Eykin.
Her heart was pounding, and in Eykin’s eyes she could see the tears. She knew
that what the EMH proposed was radical, and that it could be done, not only
with Chakotay, but the two hundred odd patients all afflicted with the new
strain of the virus. It was something which they on Benara had no cure for, nor
the medical expertise to effect one. Here, right in
the midst of the upgraded EMH, there was the very great possibility of a cure.
"Admiral," the EMH said, "I need just a
few hours to develop the new vaccine. As I said, Commander Chakotay’s
particular strain of the virus is about 99% similar to what the planet Koltar experienced
in the Delta Quadrant."
"I understand, Doctor. Doctor Eykin here is very
keen to observe your work for the next few hours, since he will have to be
administering the new vaccine on his home planet."
"Doctor Eykin will benefit from this new technology,
Admiral," and Kathryn had to laugh as she saw his old smugness on his
face.
"I am indeed always willing to learn, Doctor, and
the next few hours here will be an eye-opener for me," Eykin said.
"Well, I’ll leave you two alone. I have urgent
business to attend to, including telling a three year old child she would see
her father again soon," Kathryn said.
"Admiral, since I am quite certain that what
we’ll have by tomorrow, will be the miracle cure, you may tell the little girl
that," the EMH said.
*********
Kathryn sat in her office and almost jumped away from
the computer as her mother said:
"You what?"
"Chakotay’s daughter is in my care, mother,"
Kathryn said patiently.
"You said that, Kathryn."
"And?"
"You want to go out there and bring him
home?"
"Mother..." Kathryn sighed, her eyes
suddenly sad, "he believes that he is dying, and - and..."
"I know, Kathryn. You love him. I’ve always
known. There isn’t a person in Starfleet who doesn’t know."
"Thanks, Mom. It means a lot to me that you
approve, you know."
"Go get your man, Kathryn. It would be the second
most impulsive thing you will have done."
"And the first?"
"You fell in love with his child. Don’t bother to
deny it, sweetheart. I can hear it in your voice when you speak of her. I’m
hoping naturally that I’ll get to see my granddaughter soon."
"I love you, Mom."
"I know, Kathryn. Go well."
***********
"Is my Papa going to get better?" Annie
asked where they were sitting on the lawn of Headquarters, near the children’s
playcentre.
"Yes, sweetie. He’ll not be sick anymore."
"Then I will see him again, Aunt Kathryn?"
Kathryn sighed. Annie had, according to the teacher,
been rather retiring, being strange and still feeling displaced. She had been
crying when Kathryn had come to collect her, running into Kathryn’s arms the
minute she had seen her mother of only one day. Kathryn had ignored the curious
glances, kept herself aloof, since having seen the EMH
earlier, changed things. She might not have Annie for long. Chakotay would
change his mind when he learned that he could recover from his terminal
illness. Once he knew that there was chance for him...
In a matter of days it would be all over the Starfleet
grapevine. Admiral Kathryn Janeway with a little girl
whom all could see, loved her... Right now, while there was a blanket of
uncertainty over Annie’s future, it mattered somewhat. Later, who knew?
"Yes, you will see him again," Kathryn said
gently.
And I might never see you again, my child. Chakotay
might never want me back in his life. Then what do I do...?
Kathryn felt a tightness
around her heart. She loved Annie so much already, it
was going to be difficult to give her up again. Perhaps if -
if she could convince Chakotay to come back, be nearer Starfleet, then the pain
would be less.
Annie’s arms went round her neck, and she could feel
the child’s face nuzzling her neck.
"Will Aunt Kathryn come with too?" Annie
asked.
Kathryn sighed again. What could she expect? What was
Chakotay’s condition now? They had established earlier this morning that he was
still alive, but how would he react when he saw her? Would she have the courage
to tell him of her regrets?
"Do you want me to come, Annie?" she asked
eventually.
"Then Papa can see my new mommy."
"Annie..."
Annie moved so that she could look in Kathryn’s face.
She knew they dared not disappoint the child.
"We’ll ask your Papa if he still wants me to be
your mommy, okay?"
"- kay..."
Kathryn hugged Annie, her hand on her daughter’s hair.
I don’t want to lose you, Annie. I’ve just had my life
turned round for the better because of you. I can’t lose you...
"Are you crying, Aunt Kathryn?" Annie asked.
"A little, Annie."
"Don’t worry. Papa loves you."
"Really?" Kathryn asked, smiling through her tears.
"He said so, Aunt Kathryn."
********
END PART SIX
PART SEVEN
Kathryn and Annie were housed in the special suite of
the USS Orinoco which was reserved for high ranking officials. It was spacious
and even though there was a separate bedroom where Annie could sleep, the child
was still too disoriented to be away from Kathryn for long. In the middle of
the night Annie would cry, missing her Daddy, and, Kathryn realised with some
heartache, crying sometimes for her natural mother.
"Her name was Tirza..." Annie offered one
night. They were on their way to Benara, a three week journey to the outer
reaches of the Federation.
"It's a beautiful name, Annie."
"That's what Papa always said, Aunt
Kathryn..." the child would sigh sleepily while she lay in Kathryn's arms,
and before long she'd be fast asleep again.
Kathryn would carry her to her bedroom and tuck her in
again. She felt apprehensive. She had no idea what Chakotay would be like, how
he would feel at seeing her. The dread became more intense as each day passed
and they neared the Benaran planet. Chakotay had really hidden himself well. He
left very little trace when he left Starfleet and everything known to him.
The regret ate away again at her. He wanted to be as
far away from her as possible. He severed his ties so completely as to have
vanished into thin air. She knew that it was possible, if she wanted to, that
she could have traced him. But what would that have achieved?
He had made his feelings clear that rainy day, so long
ago now. He didn't want to have anything to do with her. He wanted no
association with his past, with those things which, with hindsight, she
realised, brought him too much pain.
In short, he didn't want to be hurt again and she had
hurt him unbearably time and time again... What was
command and duty and protocol if it meant that she'd be forever a lonely woman?
What did it matter eventually? She lost him, she lost him irrevocably.
He had given her another chance, by giving her his
little girl. If she could not have Chakotay, she could still have a part of
him. She held no envy, no grudge for the woman who was his wife. How could she?
She had her chances, and threw it away until only ashes remained.
Tirza had given him his life again. She had given him
this beautiful child who was sleeping so peacefully in her bed.
Kathryn couldn't resist the urge to bend down and kiss
Annie's cheek. The child stirred, and murmured something. Kathryn thought it
was "love you, Mommy..."
********
"Admiral," Captain Bream said as he hailed
her, "we'll be in orbit of Benara in the next hour."
"Thank you, Captain," she said as she
proceeded to make her way to the schoolroom to get Annie. She had just been to
the vessel's sickbay where she had been in consultation with the ship's Chief
Medical Officer, Voyager's EMH, and the Benaran, Dr. Eykin with whom Annie traveled
to Starfleet Headquarters in the first place.
They carried enough of the new vaccine Voyager's EMH
developed to last Benara for the next few years.
How serious Chakotay's condition was, she didn't know,
except that he was still breathing, according to the latest updates she
received. He's still alive, she would whisper to herself over and over. He's
still alive.
Would he consider coming home?
Her heart contracted painfully as she entered the
schoolroom and saw Annie sitting with two children of her own age at a low
table. She had been drawing, and picked up the paper quickly to show her.
"I drew this for you, Aunt Kathryn," she
said excitedly.
"Why, thank you, Annie," Kathryn said and
was about to speak again when her words stalled in her throat.
Annie had drawn a bird, and as close to an eagle as
she had ever seen a child draw. Her heart stopped for a moment as she realised
the enormity of what she was seeing.
"Aunt Kathryn?"
"It's - it's beautiful, Annie!" she
exclaimed as she looked at the child.
"Papa showed me how..."
Question answered.
Kathryn rolled the drawing carefully and took Annie's
hand.
"She's been very good today, Admiral,"
Treena, a Bolian teacher said. "She has remarkable ability. Today is the
first day that she has attempted to do a drawing."
Kathryn had been aware that Annie had interacted very
little with other children, and was slowly learning to get along, even talk and
play with them. She had been concerned in the beginning when Annie had been too
shy. Now, she was happily joining in the fun.
"Thank you, Treena. I understand the
It was all she could say. She was hoping naturally to
have Annie and Chakotay with her, but those were pleasant dreams. Right now,
she had to be realistic, and intimating she'd be returning alone, cut through
the possible disappointment and embarrassment of explaining why they weren't
with her. That was some gossip she could live without.
She and Annie made their exit and walked to the
nearest turbolift. Soon they were in their quarters again. Kathryn prepared a
light snack for Annie, and for herself she replicated a cup of coffee.
Soon they would be in orbit, and then on the planet's
first city, where Chakotay was lying in hospital.
"Aunt Kathryn...? Annie looked at her, and she
had a milk ring around her mouth. It was so endearing the Kathryn had to smile.
Reaching forward, she used a napkin and wiped Annie's face.
"Hmmm...?
"Are we almost there?"
"Yes, sweetheart." Kathryn thought that Annie didn't talk about her home planet as 'home',
but home being with Kathryn.
"And will we come home again?" she asked as
if she read Kathryn's mind.
"Your Papa will know, sweetheart. We're going to
see him soon."
"And then we'll come home?"
"I don't know, Annie."
Annie was quiet again, and Kathryn was glad. The child
was asking pointed questions she couldn't answer. Until she had spoken with
Chakotay, would she know where she stood with both of them.
She felt again the painful tug at her heart at the thought that she would
really come home without Annie. Or Chakotay...
The door to her quarters chimed and when the caller
entered, it was one of the Security staff who had come to escort them to the
transporter pads. Kathryn smiled. Annie returned with more luggage, and the
soft toys Kathryn got for her, also had to come along.
Mother and daughter walked to the first turbolift, and
after the young officer entered the lift, they proceeded to the deck where the
transporter room was situated.
"We hope to see you again, Admiral, when you
return," Captain Bream said as he shook her hand.
"Thank you, Captain. It has been a pleasure
traveling on this vessel," she said.
"Admiral, I hope your mission is
successful," he said just before the group was engulfed in the shimmer of
the transporter beam.
************
Kathryn Janeway thought that if she lived to be a
hundred, she would remember the appearance of Chakotay where he lay unconscious
on the high hospital bed. It had shattered all possible misconceptions she
might have had about a person who was sick in hospital, on the point of death.
Why was it that people had these images of a sick
person in a detached sort of manner? You went to see that person, saw the
illness, saw how weak the patient was, and when the
patient was released, it would be a matter of days even, that that patient
would be healed. The colour would be back, there would again be the strength
one remembered the patient had before he or she fell ill.
Perhaps, back in a time when medicine was not as
advanced as it was in the twenty fourth century, the greatest pain was to see a
patient wither before one's very eyes. Even then, the bereaved, or the family
had become accustomed to seeing the shriveled and beaten remains of what had
been a strong man. Those who had seen the sick or dying last when that man was
still healthy and strong, would be filled with alarm and shock.
Was this the same man I knew? That would be the
anguished thoughts of those who had last seen the healthy and strong version of
what they saw presently.
Kathryn Janeway looked at Chakotay and almost, almost
did not recognise him, were it not for his tattoo
that, strangely, showed as faint lines on his brow. The thin coverlet did
nothing to hide what had once been a magnificent physique.
Chakotay the healthy. Chakotay the strong. Chakotay her angry
warrior against whose incredible strength she leaned a hundred times.
Kathryn wept.
Was this Chakotay? This emaciated man, made up of bone
covered by thin skin? Was this Chakotay, whose dimples became gaping, sunken
holes, whose lips were pulled away from his teeth so that he looked dead? Was
this Chakotay whose large hands could encircle her waist, and who could pick
her up like she weighed nothing? Was this Chakotay whose eyes were half open,
although he was unconscious, and who appeared to stare at her as if he begged
her to let him die?
His collarbones jutted angrily, as if they tried to
break through his skin. And his skin! Once so tanned, it looked unhealthy, so
thin and papery that a touch would rend it. There was a constant gurgling in
his chest as he tried to breathe.
His hand lay over the thin cover. Kathryn, who for the
last ten minutes just stared and stared and stared in disbelief at the man she
once knew as Commander Chakotay, first officer of the USS Voyager, Intrepid
Class, sat down and wanted to weep.
She put her hand in his, and half expected that he
close his fingers around hers. His hand lay open and lifeless, his damp hair,
once so crisp and short, was long and plastered against his skin.
Was this what Annie saw before she was sent from here?
It couldn't be. It couldn't be. Chakotay would never have wanted her to witness
his decline. Chakotay must have been in that period of grace, when he had been
able to give Annie her instructions...
Her tears did not stop for a long time. Her hand went
out to touch his cheek. His skin felt cold and clammy, not the heat that she
expected from a patient with an abnormal fever.
"Chakotay..."
There was no response as she whispered his name, and
with her one hand on his hair, the other holding his lifeless hand, she lay her head against his thin body and sobbed.
"Admiral, I'm sorry that you have to see him like
this. Please, you must rest now," Doctor Eykin said. He was followed into
the room by Voyager's EMH, who was ready with the first of a series of
injections Chakotay would receive.
They had been too compassionate, she thought, when
they allowed her to be with him first before they started treatment. They
agreed that Annie could see him when he looked better, and recovered to a
degree.
Kathryn reluctantly stood aside to let the two doctors work on Chakotay. The EMH assured her that after the
first two treatments they would see results. She felt afraid.
"Admiral," the EMH said, "by this time tomorrow, Commander Chakotay will be awake. You
should go and rest."
"Doctor, I don't see how I can -
"
"Please, Admiral. I don't think the Commander
would appreciate it if he knew you were running yourself down."
"Fine," she agreed reluctantly, feeling
tired and out of sorts. She had seen Chakotay for the first time in five years,
and she was still in shock.
She left the room quietly, still looking back at the
bed, her gaze lingering on him as long as she could.
"Admiral..."
It was the young girl Mala who was to take her to
their home.
**************
It was late the following evening that Kathryn
received the news that she should come to the hospital. She had just put Annie
to bed and was busy reading a story to her when her commbadge beeped.
"I'm going to the hospital, sweetie," she
whispered to Annie after the EMH had communicated with her.
"Is Papa better now?" she asked sleepily.
"We all hope so, Annie," she sighed.
"We hope so..."
It was Mala’s father who accompanied her to the
hospital, and who insisted he wanted to wait until she was finished.
"I’m not certain how long it will be, Manu."
"Please, do not worry, Admiral. Chakotay is worth
the wait," he said, giving her a friendly smile. "I am just sorry
that we’ll be losing him," he added.
"I’m not certain about that, Manu. Many things
happened..."
"I do not think that Chakotay will hold that
against you, Admiral. After all, he entrusted his only child to you. He must
have a lot of faith in you."
Kathryn felt immensely bolstered by Manu’s words as
she entered the hospital. Still, her heart was pounding. The EMH had only said
that Chakotay was responding to the treatment, and that he has had a series of
injections in the last twenty four hours.
"I must warn you Captain, he may not recognise
you."
"I understand, Doctor," she said to him.
Now she made her way to Chakotay’s room, feeling her
entire life and future depending on his reaction. She didn’t even know whether
he’d be awake.
She approached the door, suddenly afraid to enter. She
was spared that as the EMH opened the door and saw her. His voice was grave
when he spoke:
"Be strong, Admiral."
The EMH walked out and proceeded to the hospital
laboratory.
*******
Kathryn stepped into the room. Her eyes went
immediately to the bed and the figure lying so still. There was minimal
illumination, but enough for her that she could see him clearly.
Chakotay’s face was turned towards her, and Kathryn
could never be certain whether it was his own movement or whether the doctor
turned his head in that direction.
His eyes were open.
He stared at her. She held her breath. He is too weak,
she thought. Too weak to move or speak. She wanted to rush forward and hold him
against her, but there was no reaction from him, except that he stared.
She never took her eyes off him as she sat down in the
chair. His breathing was less raspy, and the gurgling in his chest less
pronounced.
Kathryn took his hand in hers, and started, in soft,
soothing tones:
"Once, there was a warrior..."
***********
She was here. She had the face of an angel. There were
tears in her eyes. He didn’t want her to cry. He wanted to tell her that. The
words wouldn’t come. So he listened to her voice, soft it was, and it comforted
him. He tried to open his mouth again, to tell her something. When he tried to
move, it exhausted him, but he tried again. He could feel her hand in his. It
was warm.
"Shhh...don’t
move..." the voice said. "It’s alright, take it easy..."
So he closed his eyes and slept again.
****
"Chakotay..."
Kathryn’s voice was soft. It drifted over him like...
"Rain..."
"What did you say, Chakotay?" Kathryn whispered, not certain that she heard correctly. It
was the first time since she had been on Benara that he spoke.
"It...rained...that
day..." he said in a hoarse voice.
"Yes, it rained that day," she answered, her
voice tender.
"I saw...your...tears..."
He closed his eyes again after that, and slept fitfully.
His breathing was even, and the gurgling sound in his chest almost gone.
Kathryn’s heart sang. He was getting better. He recognised her, even though he
associated her with that afternoon when it rained and she stood there with
tears in her eyes.
She went back to the home of Mala’s parents and told
them that Chakotay was recovering, that he opened his eyes and spoke for the
first time.
****
"Admiral, should Commander Chakotay want to
return with us, I would suggest that he be kept in sickbay where his condition
can be monitored closely," the EMH said to her when she arrived the next
morning.
Chakotay was still sleeping, but she wanted to sit
with him. She wanted to be with him when he opened his eyes again.
"I understand, Doctor. His recuperation will
probably take long."
"In which case I should leave him in your capable
hands, Admiral," he replied knowingly.
After administering yet another series of injections
and medication, the doctor left the room, leaving Kathryn with the patient. She
sat down in the chair and it wasn’t long before he moved his head. He was
waking up. His face looked haunted, emaciated, but in his eyes there was a new
spark which made her heart soar. The
knowledge that he was still alive and would recover from his illness, more than
anything the reason for the new fire in him. Chakotay was getting
better.
"Hello," Kathryn said as he looked at her.
"You...are still here?" he asked quietly.
"Yes, I’m not going anywhere..."
She put her hand in his and for the first time and his
fingers curled around hers. Her eyes welled suddenly with tears at the
sensation of feeling his grip.
"Don’t cry..."
"I’m not," she denied.
"Annie...?"
She had known he was going to ask, and her eyes
clouded a little. Her heart started pounding.
"She is fine, Chakotay. She misses you,"
Kathryn answered truthfully.
"I - I’m dying, Kathryn," he whispered.
"Oh, Chakotay! You are not dying. Voyager's doctor is treating you. A new vaccine he
developed is the reason for your recovery."
Chakotay's fingers squeezed tighter around hers. At
least, it felt like it to her.
"Then - I didn’t dream?"
"No, Chakotay. You didn't dream." Kathryn
leaned forward and kissed his forehead. She wanted to cry again. He looked so
terribly thin and sick. But he was recovering. That was the shining light.
"Annie..."
Kathryn felt a lump in her throat.
"I brought her back to you, Chakotay..."
"She needs...a mother, Kathryn," he
whispered.
"I hurt you... I don’t deserve -
"
"She needs a mother," he said again.
"She needs you, Chakotay."
Chakotay stared for long moments at her before he
spoke again. This time he was able to raise his hand and touch her cheek.
"And you, Kathryn?" he whispered so softly
that she could barely hear him, "what do you need?"
"I need to share my life with you," she said
at last the words she should have said so many years ago. How easy it was to
say it now. With what blessed peace the words came out. "I need to have
you in my life, Chakotay..." she continued.
"Annie?"
"I loved her the moment I saw her. How could I
not? I loved her father for as long as I can remember..."
Chakotay became so agitated at her words, that he
tried to move; he wanted to sit up, she realised as she watched him raise his
head from the pillow. She pushed him very gently back, careful not to press too
hard.
"You...love...me...?"
"Always..."
She leaned over, and this time she kissed him on the
lips. It was a gentle caress, tender and warm. When he opened his eyes, there
were tears in them.
"Let’s go home, my Kathryn."
*******
END PART SEVEN
PART EIGHT
Kathryn Janeway tried to contain a bubbling Annie as
they entered the sickbay of the
"Papa!" she cried as she ran towards the
bed.
Chakotay was still too weak to be up, but the last few
days the EMH threatened to chain him to the bed if he tried to move around too
much.
Kathryn smiled as she saw how Annie tried to reach
him. She lifted Annie and held her so that she could kiss her father.
Chakotay's eyes lit up as Annie rained wet kisses on his face. Kathryn held the
child on her hip and then she too, leaned over to kiss him. It was a kiss that
lingered. Her heart ached at the sight of him.
He was still so alarmingly thin.
"I drew a picture of Papa and Aunty Kathryn and
me!" Annie squealed happily.
"You did?"
"Oh yes, and Mommy - " The child paused, her expressive eyes
widening. Kathryn's eyes filled with tears. She felt Chakotay's hand squeeze
hers. His other hand reached out to caress Annie's cheek.
"It's alright, honey. You can call Aunt Kathryn
Mommy..."
His voice, though still weak, was reassuring. Annie
buried her face against Kathryn's bosom shyly, then
she whispered shyly: "Mommy wants to put it on her desk..."
"That's sweet of Mommy," he said to the
child, but he looked at Kathryn. Her eyes were swimming with tears, tears
through which the happiness shone.
"She made me promise, Chakotay..."
"She loves you already, Kathryn."
She hugged the child closer to her.
"We have to talk," he said quietly.
"I know..." Her eyes held tenderness, yet
there was some apprehension too. She had no idea what he wanted of her, except
that he wanted them to be together. He still wanted her to be a mother to
Annie; he still wanted her.
How can I expect more? He had been hurt once. Would
just being together be enough?
"Tomorrow," he said as his hand reached for
her. She felt the burn of tears behind her eyelids.
You've done a few gloriously impulsive things these
last weeks, Kathryn. You can do a few more,
she told herself.
"Tomorrow," she whispered as she rose and
kissed him again.
"Are we going to play with Flotter and Treevis,
Mommy?" Annie asked as they left sickbay.
"Yes, but don't flood the holodeck, honey,"
she warned as they proceeded down the corridor.
********
Chakotay lay on the bed, frustrated at still feeling
so incredibly weak that he couldn't lift himself. He was impatient, he wanted
to get up and walk around, even if it took him an hour to get to Kathryn's
suite. He wanted to be with her and Annie. He wanted to feel Kathryn in his
arms. But he sensed she was afraid of something. She looked scared. Annie loved
her already so much. The child's memory of her own mother was slowly fading.
Now it was Kathryn who featured in her young life, Kathryn whom he could see
loved his little girl.
I was right in sending Annie to her...
There were too many questions that needed to be
answered. She hadn't asked him yet about his future plans. He had been out of
Starfleet for five years. The reasons he left were no longer there, and he
wanted to be back, to be on a starship again. He sighed. It was the one thing
he missed most when he was living on Benara and married to Tirza. Still, with
Kathryn part of his life now, it needed to be discussed, even though he knew
she would tell him it's his own decision.
He didn't think he could ever be happy again.
You were right, Tirza. I needed to find her. I did
find her, and it was your greatness of spirit, your compassion and
unconditional love for a man who didn't deserve to be loved so totally by you,
that gave me reason again. And even if I didn't live to see Kathryn again, a
part of me would have remained with her...
He tried to lift himself again. Propping his elbow
under him, he raised himself on his side. Damn! Did he have to feel so weak?
Good... There, he could see better now...
"Now do you see, Commander?" the Doctor
cautioned as the movement left him out of breath and tired again.
"The...only...thing...I see," Chakotay bit
out, "is that each day it gets easier when I try. I need to tone my
atrophied muscles again. As a doctor, you should understand that."
"Fine, Commander. Then next time, you'll do it
under strict supervision, and not when you're lying on the floor!"
After which Chakotay felt suitably chastised and
allowed the nurse to supervise his therapy.
He lay back again and within minutes he was sleeping
again. The next few days it did get better, as Kathryn also assisted in his
therapy. On the fifth day, the day before they were in Earth's orbit, Chakotay
was allowed for the first time to get up. He was like a child learning to walk
again. He was angry and embarrassed when he stumbled, trying too hard too soon,
then gave in to the nurse's gentle ministrations, and held Kathryn's arm while
he took his first steps in sickbay.
Somehow, the talk he had to have with Kathryn was
pushed back, as if both were afraid to broach the subject.
He was lying in bed that evening, when she entered
sickbay.
"We need to talk, Chakotay..."
"I know."
"I know that I can't make any demands on you,
that I have no - "
"What do you mean?" he asked.
He saw her eyes glisten with tears. What was wrong?
Didn't she want him?
"Our...living arrangements..." she
whispered, again embarrassed.
"I thought you wanted me and Annie in your life,
Kathryn," he said quietly.
She looked at him. There was suddenly a fearlessness in her eyes, as if she had come to a
decision, or decided on going ahead with something she thought about a long
time before.
"Chakotay," she started, then
paused. He frowned.
"What...?"
"Five years ago, you wanted me to share your
life. I - I rejected your offer of marriage." There was an even longer
pause, but this time he waited for her to continue. "I - I was...a...fool,"
she whispered.
Chakotay managed to raise himself to a sitting
position, his legs hanging from the side of the bed. He drew her to him, so
that she stood in his embrace. He ached for her, and could feel his heart
racing in a new and exciting way, with fire and passion, and no longer with the
hopeless longing for her even throughout his marriage to Tirza.
"No, my love..." he crooned softly, "you were not a fool. You were not a fool, Kathryn. You were
only afraid. Afraid to trust your feelings..."
She pulled a little away from him so that she could
look in his eyes.
"It's very human to be afraid, my love," he
comforted.
"I hurt you, Chakotay, wasted so many years.
Annie...Annie - "
"Annie is yours, Kathryn."
"Is that why you registered her as Kathryn Anne,
Chakotay?"
"I wanted to remember you..."
"Tirza?"
"Tirza loved me, Kathryn,
I cannot deny or begrudge what she felt, or what I had with her. She...helped
me find myself, and then she told me to find you..."
"She knew?"
"Always, although she never breathed a
word. She always sensed there was someone. She never
knew of you. I... "
"Shhh..."
"Forgive me, my love."
"It's yours I need, Chakotay, more than
anything."
"It's over. We have a new chance at
happiness."
"Chakotay."
She looked at him first, then
buried her face against his chest. At least he was slowly beginning to lose
that emaciated look.
"Hmmm?"
She stood a little away from him, and he knew she was
going to say what was on her heart. There was a light in her eyes that made him
think she was determined and set on her course of action.
"Chakotay, will you marry me?"
He froze. His eyes went wide.
Kathryn froze as she saw his expression.
"Please?"
"Kathryn, I - "
"Please..."
"I...can't accept your offer, Kathryn. I don't think
- "
But Kathryn had a stricken look on her face, she turned out of his embrace and stood away from him.
"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have asked...assumed...
Forgive me," she said with so much anguish in her voice that he wanted to
cry. She turned towards the door of the sickbay and when she reached it, he
cried her name.
She turned, and even from where he was sitting and
trying to get off the bed, he could see the tears.
"Come here, Kathryn," he commanded her.
When she reached him again, he pulled her to him and
hugged her as tightly as he could manage without wincing in pain. His hands
caressed her hair and he continued the stroking until she stopped shivering.
He held her away from him.
"I wouldn't like to tell our grandchildren their
grandma begged me to marry her. Thank you, Kathryn, that you did offer, but I
really can't accept your offer. However, I would like to repeat mine of five
years ago."
He was gratified to see her smile through her tears.
"Kathryn Janeway, will you marry me, share my
life with me and be Annie's mother?"
"I love you, Chakotay."
"Good. Now, will you kiss me?"
********
Today the sun was shining as two adorable little girls
returned from the front to sit with Tom and B’Elanna. Miral and Annie, dressed
in peach coloured dresses, with a halo of flowers on their heads, scrambled
unceremoniously on the two chairs. They started chattering as the proceedings
in front continued.
The lawns of Starfleet Headquarters looked greener
than it had been for years; it seemed that it sensed the atmosphere of
celebration that was about.
Kathryn Janeway stood next to Chakotay, who was in
dress uniform. His hair was cropped short again. His colour was back, most of
the ravages of his illness had left him. Kathryn's hand was held in his as he
slipped the ring on her finger. In a simple dress that enhanced her petite
form, the bride looked radiant as she stared up in his face.
The children had just brought the rings, carried on
tiny satin cushions.
"You may kiss the bride," Admiral Paris
commanded as Kathryn slipped Chakotay’s ring on.
"That’s my Mommy," Annie exclaimed loudly as
she saw her parents kiss.
The audience smiled indulgently at the child’s words.
"She’s my godmother," Miral said.
"No, she's not, she’s mine."
"She’s mine too!" said Miral.
"Hey, put a lid on it, kids," Tom said,
which had both girls looking at him before they settled into a quiet murmur,
just after Tom added, "or you’ll not get the ice-cream I promised."
"Not good enough, Helmboy. Very soon you can’t bribe them anymore," B’Elanna answered.
"Why does your Mommy call your Daddy
‘Helmboy’?"
*******
Most of the Voyager crew who
could manage it, were at the wedding of Admiral Janeway and Captain Chakotay.
It was three months after he returned home from Benara, at last ready to accept
his promotion he had been given five years previously.
Tom noticed that Chakotay still looked too thin after
his long recuperation. He had, like most of the old guys, been pleasantly
surprised that Admiral Janeway returned from Benara with her man.
No one questioned him about his little daughter,
accepting that he had gone on with his life when he left Earth and settled
elsewhere. It was clear to everyone that little Annie loved her new mother,
never letting Kathryn out of her sight. And the Admiral loved her daughter.
That much they could see in the way she interacted with the child, the way her
eyes lit up when she spoke with Annie, her body language, everything. She was,
everyone thought, a mother.
It was Gretchen Janeway who told Elizabeth Paris how
proud she was to have a granddaughter at last. There was no doubt about it.
Although Annie was not tied to her or Kathryn by blood, she was theirs in heart
and mind and soul.
Gretchen had a tender aspect in her eyes as she looked
at her daughter and son-in-law. Kathryn had done at last the things she always
knew her daughter could do if her very life and future depended on it. She
acted on and trusted her feelings.
*********
END PART EIGHT
PART NINE
Chakotay raised himself on his elbow and looked at his
sleeping wife. His heart swelled with pride and love for her. She was his ‘for
all the time’, as he told Annie three months ago, when they returned to Earth
and he had to go immediately into Starfleet Medical facility.
He brushed a few hairs from Kathryn's face and smiled
as she snuggled deeper into his embrace. It was a glorious morning, after a
night of the sweetest lovemaking.
He sighed. They had both been apprehensive, tentative
in the way they started their honeymoon last night. So many things had happened
in the last three months. He was still on medication, and would probably be for
the rest of his life. But last night, he had burned to make Kathryn his.
Last night...
*
"What’s the matter, Kathryn?" he asked after
they returned to their hotel room. She stood near the window, looking out at
the ocean. There was a pensive look in her eyes, and when she turned to him, he
thought that she was embarrassed about something.
"I - "
"Sweetheart, I know that I was the one who
suggested we wait to consummate our union on this night," he whispered,
trying to remain calm when he was feeling anything but calm. She had wanted
them to be together a month ago, when he was discharged from the hospital.
"I want our first night to be special," he had told he when he slept in Annie’s room.
He stroked her hair, and his fingers trailed a path
down her cheek, and rested against her lips. She looked away from him.
"Hey..."
"Chakotay..."
"What is it?" he asked, his voiced laced
with concern.
"There hasn’t been... I haven’t been
intimate..."
"And you think it is a shame, my love?" he
asked, feeling suddenly inordinately happy that it wasn’t something worse.
"You might laugh..."
"Why, Kathryn? That you denied yourself?"
"How - how could I be with another man? I - I
dreamed of you for five years...five long years..."
Chakotay pulled her back in his arms as she started
crying, a heartbroken weeping.
"T-That day when you l-left," she stammered,
"that day when I came down to you, I wanted to - to t-tell you..."
"That you wanted to be my wife...?" he
asked, incredulous at the sudden realisation that he let her go then. "Oh,
dear heaven..." he groaned suddenly, "and I wouldn’t listen to
you..."
"And I... I was too - "
"Proud to come after me?"
She sighed.
"Yes..."
"It’s behind us, Kathryn. Let’s go forward,
please..."
"I love you."
"Then, Kathryn Janeway, you must let me worship
your body. I’ve been hungering for this for too long..."
"Five years?"
"Much, much longer," he swore as he picked
her up and carried her to the wide bed.
*
He wanted to taste her, and savour the texture of soft
skin and smell. She lay naked, as he was, and closed her eyes as his mouth
moved in breathtaking feather-light caress over her lips. Her lips opened under
his, and his tongue sought for uncharted little treasures as he licked over
teeth, felt her own lips closing over his tongue. Soft hissing sounds escaped
her as she arched her neck so that he searched and found tiny spots that pained
and pleasured. Her earlobe, and the soft ditch just
beneath her lobes caused her to gasp as his tongue found and gave enjoyment of
licking and darting.
"I love you..." she breathed as he paused to
look at her, briefly taking in her tears that flowed down and soaked into the
bedding.
"Yes..." came his whisper as his fingers
trembled over collarbone, to roam down and rest on her peaks.
"Beautiful..." another whisper as his mouth latched hotly on
waiting nipples that had sprung erect long before he touched them. He sucked
gently, became bolder as Kathryn arched against him so that he started to nip,
nip and suck.
"I want you..." she whispered raggedly as
his tongue darted into her navel. She lay open before him, his hands braced at
her side as he licked. His tongue scoured her flat planes, oh, so flat and firm
that he drowned in the ecstasy of her own little gasps and cries.
He lay next to her, and his hand stroked her long
thighs that felt smooth and soft to the touch. She twitched as his thumb grazed
her inner thigh, pushing herself against his hand.
"Shhh... soon...soon..." he promised as she
shifted so that his fingers moved over her soft centre. It breathed to him,
listening to his feather touches, complying...complying as she spilled against
his fingers, becoming softer...softer...
He groaned his pleasure as he bent low over her and
his mouth moved...moved... until it found her core. He heard her gasp, then soft mewls as he lapped at her. She arched into him,
wanting more...
"Please..." she begged.
"Yes..." he replied then let his tongue move
her soft folds away. He gave a cry of ecstasy as he dipped into her, tasting
her wetness, feeling how her sheath closed around his tongue. Wave upon wave of
pleasure swirled in him as she moved against him and found his rhythm. She had
moved her legs so that they settled over his shoulders. She was ready as she
bucked, crying, crying...
A single scream of his name as she spilled, contracted
painfully and sank into a strange realm where she floated...floated... Her body
was covered with perspiration as she breathed hard for a few minutes while she
drifted gently down...down...
He released her, and she felt momentarily bereft.
"Don’t leave me..." was her cry as he
settled himself over her, his hands cupping the sides of her head. With her
juices on his mouth, she moaned as he kissed her gently, then cried...cried
while he lapped her tears from her face.
"I love you, my Kathryn," came
his ragged cry as he let her feel how ready he was: erect and hard and swollen
and hot. He cried her name out loud as her fingers encircled him, and her thumb
caressed his tip. "Take me in, Kathryn," he begged against her open
mouth.
He waited as she positioned him at her opening. They
cried as he started his journey into her, slowly...slowly. The cries became
sobs as he filled her at last, uneven, stammering words of love and movement
that wanted to complete...
His hands were in her hair, his mouth on hers as they
rode their waves, very high they moved, then dipped, then escalating to the
heights, and all the time...all the time, the tears that would not stop.
They traveled together and raced towards the pinnacles
of pleasure, hovered for glorious, blinding and dizzying moments before the
world exploded around them. They floated down on soft clouds that put them
gently back in their own realm.
Breathing...
Murmuring...
He wanted to move out of her, but she clasped his body
tight to hers.
"Stay in me..." she pleaded as she looked
into his eyes.
He smiled.
"Once, long ago," he whispered as he saw her
unending tears, "I held you in my arms, and I thought you had died. I
cried my anguish to the heavens... Even then, I loved you, my Kathryn..."
"I know... I saw your tears then," she
whispered softly against his mouth.
"You...could not have..."
"I never spoke about it... I loved you, my
warrior, that you shed tears for me..."
"Kathryn..."
"Hmmm...?"
"I want you..."
"I’m ready..."
"Good, I’m a very hungry man..."
*
"Are you dreaming with your eyes open,
Chakotay?"
"You are looking at a very satisfied man,
Kathryn."
"I did that?" she asked as she twirled his
chest hair. He was still very thin, but at least he wasn’t the skin and bone of
months ago.
"Yes."
His eyes became serious as be bent down to kiss her.
Last night, with Kathryn, he knew at last what complete and heartrending
fulfillment meant. He experienced a sublime peace which, he finally
acknowledged, he never had with Tirza. Kathryn was wildly passionate, free and
generous.
She loved him and she was his wife at last. They had a
beautiful daughter, and who knows, there may be more.
"Then I am happy..."
******
END
Prologue
Kathryn was sitting in a deck chair under a shady
palm, watching Chakotay with the children. It was one of their rare vacations
when he was back from a mission, and she could get away for a few days.
They were frolicking in the sand near the water’s
edge. Annie - Kathryn was still amazed to this day that he had named his
daughter Kathryn Anne - was trying to show little
Chakotay played the referee at the moment. He was so
good at it, always managing to get them to settle again. Right now, he was
watching that
"You must know they have their individual
cravings," he told her as he wiped his youngest’s mouth. "She must be
taking after her mother," he added, then ducked as Kathryn pelted him with
a cushion. She had been crazy about pints and pints of milk during her
pregnancy.
"And I hate milk!" she complained as she
gulped down the second pint of the morning. He just laughed and kissed her on
the nose, and then Annie wanted to do the same.
Annie.
Six years old and bright as a button. She loved
Kathryn as her own mother, the memories of her natural mother who died when she
was three, having faded. Strange how both girls had dark brown hair and
Chakotay’s dimples. Only,
She saw Chakotay wave at her and she waved back, the
book on her lap long forgotten as she watched her family with pride. After
three years of marriage she was even more in love with her husband than before.
Lately he commanded one of the largest vessels in the
fleet, the USS Benguela, with a crew complement of seven hundred. He was very
happy, but indicated he wanted to be home with his family on a permanent basis.
He declined a promotion to the Admiralty, and wanted
to teach at the Academy, like she was doing.
"Perhaps later, Kathryn, not right now," he
said last night when they were enjoying some quiet time while the children were
sleeping. "One admiral is enough for now..."
She had accepted his explanation, too happy that he
wanted to be based in
"I love you," she mouthed the words as she
saw him look at her.
*
Chakotay looked at Kathryn and thought his life had
changed for the better. He was completely recovered, and regained most of his
weight within the first year of their marriage. Strangely, his sickness changed
his metabolic rate, so that he could retain his weight with only light
training. Which he did, keeping fit in the ship’s gym, or at
home at Headquarters.
He looked at his children, Annie and Elizabeth. So different in temperament, yet so alike. No one would say
they were half sisters. He and Kathryn played down the stepmother role and
half-sister labels. Their children were siblings, and she was their mother.
That was that. When the time was right,
He sighed.
I am at last a deeply happy man...
"Annie..."
"Yes, Daddy?"
He smiled. Miral calling Tom ‘Daddy’ rubbed off
quickly on her, a matter endorsed the minute
"Keep an eye on
"Sure, Daddy."
He walked to where his wife was lounging and sank down
on the sand.
"Kathryn, do you remember the afternoon of the
rain?"
"Yes..." and she frowned, not wanting to
think unhappy thoughts.
"Whenever it rained, I always thought that
somewhere in the world, the sun must be shining..."
"I used to think that too..."
******
END: really!
Star Trek: Voyager, Captain Janeway, Chakotay,
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