AND
GATHER DREAMS THAT NEVER FADE AWAY
a
new J/C story from the pen of
vanhunks
SUMMARY:
Chakotay lies critically ill in sickbay after a shuttle accident. In order to
help him with his recovery, Kathryn Janeway has to explore and rediscover her
feelings for him.
Disclaimer:
Paramount owns the characters and we all wish they could have done more for J/C.
Rating:
PG-13 for most parts, NC-17 for others.
CHAPTER ONE
The man stirred restlessly; from time to time a soft moan escaped through his parched lips. He was in grave pain, and the hands that lay above the white sheet twitched every time a shaft of pain shot through him. Then he gave a cry as he arched his body before slumping back exhaustedly. He lay gasping, normal breathing slowly returning before he drifted into restless slumber again, or slipped into unconsciousness. Minutes later he groaned again, yet unable to voice his need as he arched and sagged back, his fingers clutching convulsively at the sheet. A hand touched his brow, wiping the beads of perspiration that had formed and rolled in little rivulets down the side, settling in the corners of his eyes. It gave the impression he was crying. Still, his lips were dry, a dull, bloodless colour that indicated a raging thirst. His throat moved as it appeared that he tried to swallow, finding that the action caused his tongue to cling to his palate.
His skin was ashen, contrasting starkly with the white sheet that covered him and the darkly blue of the biobed headrest. On his forehead, above his left eyebrow was a marking, asymmetrical lines and curls that formed a signature. Black hair plastered damply against his skin as he perspired. He moved again, his head turning to one side as if he sensed something - or someone was nearby. He tried to open his mouth, move his lips like he wanted to speak, but no identifiable sound emanated from his parched lips. Then something was pressed against his mouth.
So cool it was.... so blessedly cool as he sucked at the sponge and the liquid relieved his raging thirst. Like life-saving nectar the water cooled fire, and he fretted when the sponge was removed - only briefly though, then the coolness settled against his lips again.
There were voices - whispers mostly, that hovered above his conscious and remained distant, blurry
echoes that came and went, came and went. He could not see the hands that ministered, nor try to make out who owned the voices. The searing pain clamoured for dominance and overrode any attempt to put a face to a touch; measure tone and timbre to match a voice, or even a smell. The effort to wake up, to open his eyes and surface above the pain, proved too much as he sagged back exhaustedly, finally giving in to the pain and tiredness.
Then he sank into unconsciousness again.
**
"Gul Evek must be feeling daring today," Chakotay said to B'Elanna as he worked the controls at the conn of the Liberty.
"They're closing in, Chakotay. Get us out of the way! Move, now!" B'Elanna screamed as phaser fire strafed their starboard side. The vessel rocked, veering dangerously closer to the direction of the firing Cardassian vessel.
'Tuvok, get them, fire!" Chakotay ordered. The Liberty returned fire, their salvo ineffectual as the Cardassian vessel replied with greater force.
"No!" Chakotay cried as Gul Evek opened fire again. Chakotay knew they were going to be hit square on, so he jerked the Liberty sharply to port, trying one last time to avoid the torpedo that was heading towards them. "No!" came his cry as the Liberty was hit; she careened after her hull buckled under the stress, folding the vessel like a card as she drifted helplessly in cold space. Chakotay was flung from his chair and by the time he hit the bulkhead at the rear of the bridge, he was on fire. His skull cracked as he made contact with the bulkhead and his body dropped like a rag doll to the floor.
"B'Elanna...we...lost..." he muttered just before he lost consciousness.
He shivered violently as the pain rocked him to awareness again. The voices were there and he heard them, this time a little more clearly.
"He's regaining consciousness, Captain..."
"Thank God." The voice was soft, feminine, her tone tinged with deep concern. Then a hand touched his brow. It was a touch he felt before - a gentle hand that held a sponge to his lips. He wanted to see, connect a face to the touch. Something, and urgent desire burned through him to see who it was. B'Elanna? Seska? Mariah? He tried to open his eyes. His eyelids were heavy, bearing down painfully over the eyeballs. He wanted to lift them, and the fretting started again as the effort exhausted him. Chakotay he cried out. It was a low, whimpering cry this time.
"It's okay," the voice commanded. "Shhh... don't move, Chakotay. You're in great pain. Lie still, please..."
"Pain...take it...away..." he croaked, his voice sounding detached, unknown, not belonging to him.
"Doctor...?"
"I know, Captain," came the Doctor's reply. The EMH had been standing ready with a filled hypospray he prepared the moment he could see the patient stirring. The pain, however, was too much as Chakotay cried out, started gasping and arching.
"Shhh...it's alright, Chakotay. We'll take care of the pain..."
There was a short hiss as the EMH applied the hypospray and the next moment Chakotay sank into deep oblivion again.
***
Kathryn Janeway looked up at the doctor and sighed heavily as he shook his head. The EMH looked austere, grave, unlike his usual optimistic or acerbic self; the doctor who usually boasted he could correct any medical condition, save any life no matter how critical the illness or the injuries.
"He'll recover, Captain," the EMH said quietly, "but it will be slow. You must be patient. His injuries have been extensive and - "
"I'm aware of that, Doctor. I just need to see him get better. He is in so much p-pain," she said, faltering over the last word.
"As I said, the Commander has taken the brunt of the attack. I've repaired the damage as far as I could, but his optical nerves have been damaged as well and Captain, he may have only partial vision..."
Kathryn Janeway closed her eyes and rubbed trembling fingers over her forehead. She looked at the unconscious man on the biobed. His body was still now, like it had been the first day he was brought in. So many times in the last six years she had seen members of her crew and even other species lie here in sickbay: ill, traumatised, dying. B'Elanna, Harry, Tom, Neelix... all of them had lain here, and she had despaired then, yet always remained collected, strong for them and for the ship, never letting her guard down. Now Chakotay lay here. She had not wanted to entertain any though of him dying. A flash of a memory - when was it? An eternity ago? - he had also lain here and she had been overwrought at the thought of losing him. Then their relationship had been one of wariness, a fear and excitement combined that prevented her from being open to him. She had seen him as he screamed his fear of losing her when she lay dying after they crashed.
Now he was here, and between that time and now, so many things had changed. Everything had changed, everything. Too much was at stake. She had too much to lose. If she lost him now.... Kathryn shook her head, berated herself for allowing that thought to enter her head.
She wanted to sit down again next to his bed and hold his hand; just touch him that he can sense her presence and will him to come alive again. The doctor had been firm an hour ago:
"You must rest, Captain. You must run this ship and you need to be strong, regain your strength through sleep and rest. He'll need you when he wakes up, just as the ship needs you now..."
"Don't you think I know that, Doctor? Chakotay, he - "
"The crew are taking turns to relieve you. Please go to your quarters. As you can see, the Commander looks marginally improved. He's actually stirred for the first time in three days, and that is at least a positive sign, Captain. Please, go now. I'll call you the minute he wakes up properly."
Kathryn Janeway hesitated. She wanted to stay, but she was needed elsewhere. She was needed in her quarters, on the bridge, everywhere... She looked again at the critically ill man. His skin was pallid even through his natural deep tan. Even the tattoo looked feint, as if he had tried to rub it off and only traces of it remained. But the Doctor was right. Most of his body had been repaired, to a degree. Healing was going to come in installments, a little bit at a time. His body had been too broken when he was rescued from the wreck. She twisted her mouth in a wan attempt at a smile. He had not been at the controls of the shuttle. Neelix had survived and had recovered sufficiently to take up duty in the mess hall again. Crewman Sayenne who piloted the shuttle had died in the attack. His memorial service was two days ago. How ironic it was, she thought. Chakotay had laughingly declared before they left that he'd crashed enough shuttles in his day and that he'd leave the controls to another pilot. He had personally been training Sayenne... Even so, it wasn't anyone's fault.
Voyager had run into an unexpectedly hostile sector of space where rogue vessels - in old earth times they were called pirates - were on the prowl for unsuspecting travellers. They had been ambushed on their way back from Atos Prime. The shuttle had crash-landed on a nearby moon and had Voyager not been in time... Kathryn shuddered. Now Sayenne was dead and Chakotay... She sighed. His skull had been cracked open, almost every bone in his body broken with so much internal bleeding that he couldn't possibly have survived. She had been afraid to touch him, not knowing where she could touch that had not been either burned or broken or bleeding.
"His excellent constitution has given him a slight advantage, Captain. Another person would have died," were the Doctor's words after he had stabilised the comatose First Officer.
When she first saw him as he was beamed to sickbay, she had given an involuntary cry. She hardly recognised him. His uniform had been burned off his body, some parts of it meshing with his skin. Mercifully Chakotay had been unconscious. Yet even through that, his body had gone into convulsions as his burns ate rivers of pain through him. Deep in his unconscious state, Chakotay had moaned - soft, whimpering sounds that drove her insane with anxiety. What hell was there in his world of pain and darkness? What kept him from surfacing, trapping his body in a kind of limbo where he was afraid to wake up and yet made the dark hell a safe place where his pain was welcomed? It was as if he didn't want to be pulled back, yet he wanted to be there. But light meant pain. Didn't she know it herself? Being awake meant acknowledgement of a terror that consumed the body. Chakotay was the strongest man alive, none she ever met who was braver or more courageous. Yet here he was lying, and the pain held him hostage. She knew with certainty that sometime, as his body healed, the slow process of regeneration which the Doctor couldn't fix but Chakotay's own body and natural ability to find healing within himself, that Chakotay would wake up soon. If not tonight, then tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then the day after...
All she wanted, was to have him back, to see him look at her with eyes that grew soft with a divine knowledge of her feelings for him. All she wanted was to see him smile, to hear a voice that was clear, strong and free of pain. All she wanted, was to have him back with her, beside her where she knew without looking, without touching, that he was there, that she could sense his presence, and feel his strength which touched her with an invisible thread that tied him to her always.
"Captain..."
Kathryn looked at the doctor with eyes that gone absent and forcefully brought to the present. Her mouth curved almost painfully. She bent over and pressed her lips against Chakotay's forehead - a light caress that the unconscious man didn't react to. She gave a tired smile as she straightened up and looked at the EMH.
"Er - yes, Doctor. I'll go now. Hail me the moment Commander Chakotay regains consciousness."
Kathryn wiped a strand of hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. It was a tired movement. The Doctor looked at her and sighed. The Captain was in need of a sedative but he knew it would be fruitless to suggest he give her one. He shook his head. She needed to go to her quarters and take a break. She had responsibilities... Commander Tuvok was in command on the bridge and the Captain can rest, assured that Voyager was in capable hands.
Kathryn looked one last time at Chakotay before the doctor let the dome slide back to cover the patient. He started monitoring again, making preparations for when Lieutenant Paris came on duty later. It already appeared that the doctor had forgotten the Captain was still there. Giving a tired sigh Kathryn Janeway walked slowly towards the doors of sickbay, turning again to look at Chakotay. A second later the sickbay doors closed behind her and she found herself in the corridor.
***
When Kathryn exited the turbolift on deck three, she was met by Tom Paris.
"How is Commander Chakotay, Captain?" he asked as he was about to enter the lift.
Kathryn sighed softly. "As well as can be expected in the circumstances, Tom. You're going on duty now, aren't you?"
"I'll keep an eye on him, Captain. I'll hail you the second the Commander opens his eyes."
"Thank you, Tom. The doctor has banned me from sickbay. I should go home and rest, he demanded."
"And rightly so, Captain. You've been there since he was brought in. You're needed elsewhere too..."
Kathryn sighed again. She had rushed between sickbay, her quarters and the bridge without much respite for sleeping and eating since Chakotay had been beamed to Voyager. She was deadly tired although to the world she wouldn't acknowledge it.
"Well, Tom, then I'll not keep you from your duty - "
"Take care, Captain. And don't worry, Marla is doing an excellent job for you."
The doors of the turbolift swished close and a second later Kathryn moved down the corridor in the direction of her quarters.
When she reached her cabin - she smiled wanly again at the prospect of relaxing - she entered her codes and the door opened. Her quarters was bathed in a soft bluish hue which she liked for this time of the day. It was early evening, and at home in Indiana - the times she had gone back there after aaa mission or during her Academy days - it was the time of day she liked most. Early evening when peace and quiet settled around her. She felt that now as she walked into the lounge area and was met by Marla Gilmore.
"Captain! You're back at last!" Marla exclaimed.
Marla smiled broadly at Kathryn as she approached the Captain. Kathryn eyed the young former Equinox officer and asked immediately:
"Is she sleeping?"
"Oh, yes, Captain. She was fretting all evening. I think she misses the Commander.... How is he, Captain?"
"As well as can be expected, Marla. Thanks again. You've been very good with Tara, you know..."
"Thanks, Captain. I've always loved children..."
Kathryn moved quickly to the open section that had been the bulkhead between her quarters and Chakotay's. B'Elanna and Joe Carey had been responsible for creating the extra space and joining the two quarters. In the far corner, where Chakotay's room was, was now a small nursery, housing the crib in which Tara lay sleeping. Kathryn turned to Marla again, her eyes suddenly filling with tears. She didn't mind Marla seeing her like this, so in need of company and support. Still , she felt alone most of the time, with only Tara...dear, sweet baby Tara who was too small still to converse with her except in baby cooing sounds.
"I'll be off now, Captain. Tara's had her bath, she's just finished her bottle and I've changed her diaper. Susan has the next duty shift for when you're called to sickbay during the night... Captain - "
Kathryn had moved into Tara's room and was looking down at the sleeping child. In the soft dim of the light she could see Tara's downy black hair, warm rosy cheeks with her small fist resting against her mouth.
"Captain?"
"Yes, Marla?"
"I hope the Commander recovers soon, Captain. You - you need him..."
Kathryn looked again at Marla, saw the kindness and understanding in the younger woman's eyes and felt like bursting into tears. Struggling to hold back the tears forming in hr eyes, she nodded mutely, and Marla, understanding that she was being dismissed by the Captain, said softly:
"Good night, Captain..."
Kathryn Janeway nodded again and only dimly heard the door of her quarters open and close. At that moment Tara opened her eyes and started fretting the moment her gaze fixed on her mother. The baby whimpered and Kathryn, who had resisted the urge to lift Tara out of the crib when she was sleeping so peacefully, now bent down and lifted the baby gently out. The baby gurgled contentedly the moment she was in her mother's arms.
"Oh, honey, did you miss Mommy?"
Tara immediately buried her face against her mother's bosom, becoming quiet as she inhaled her mother's scent and Kathryn's arms closing protectively around her. Kathryn's hand caressed the baby's head as she held Tara close.
"I guess you did, huh..."
As if Tara could understand, the baby lifted her face and smiled at Kathryn. Then as Kathryn watched, Tara looked around her as if she were looking, searching... Her little face crumpled and then she started crying.
"I know, Tara. You miss Daddy. Shhh... don't cry, sweetie...." Kathryn comforted the baby, pacing up and down and rocking her. Several minutes later Tara had quietened again. Kathryn took a soft blanket from the crib and threw it over the baby. She walked back to her own bed where she lay Tara down on it. She had not felt like eating and coffee...since Tara's birth she's had to cut down on her intake so dramatically, she wondered whether she missed it these days. In the first few weeks after Tara's birth, she had breastfed her baby. Kathryn sighed again. Tara's birth had been such a miracle....
Kathryn lay down on her side next to the baby, bracing herself on her elbow as she watched Tara, idly smoothing Tara's hair away from her small face. The baby had Chakotay's colouring but her lips were so rosy as if an angel herself had applied the lipstick.
"Here, see, sweetie? You're lying on Daddy's side now. Soon, when Daddy is better, I'll take you to him, okay?" Kathryn whispered in comforting, caressing tones.
It seemed as if Tara understood her. At only eight months old, Tara was still too small to understand what happened, but she sensed her father's absence. Until the accident three days ago, Kathryn had underestimated the strength of the bond between father and child. Perhaps it was because Chakotay had always been there, a present figure that calmed, cosseted, assured, loved. Chakotay was the one who was so wonderful in getting Tara to sleep at night. He read to her stories, but most nights he simply held her in his arms and told her tales of warriors and princesses. Tara would stare at her father with wide open eyes for at least half an hour before her eyelids drooped and she fell asleep. Chakotay would almost reluctantly put Tara back in her crib. Then he'd stay until Tara slept soundly. It's why Tara had been so fractious the last three nights, Kathryn knew. Tara sensed her Daddy's absence, missed his voice...
Tara looked at her with her startling blue eyes. Tara lifted a pudgy hand that reached to touch Kathryn's mouth. Tara already sprouted two teeth and when she smiled, Kathryn's heart wanted to break.
"Sweet Tara, my eyes are all you inherited from me. You are so much your Daddy's little girl. You even have his dimples..."
Kathryn suddenly scooped the baby in her arms. "Oh, Chakotay," she whispered, "please, please get better..."
Then she cried brokenly all the time she held her baby to her.
***