CHAPTER THREE
April 1899 -
They lay on a grassy
knoll, facing in opposite directions, with the back of their heads touching.
The day had broken unexpectedly balmy after the week's persistent rain. Now,
the ground was dry enough that they could lie on their backs, looking at the
open, clear blue sky. A little distance away was the homestead - a farmhouse
with outbuildings and stables. This was the
Kathleen knew Thomas
was chewing a long reed. Whenever he was thinking, there was a reed stuck
between his teeth. Born only days apart, they had been
friends since they could walk and their friendship had grown with them into
their adulthood.
"I
won't ever get another friend like you, Thomas," she said, breaking the
silence.
"Katie
O'Clair, one day you will marry a very nice man who will worship you and
respect you and that will be the end of that," Thomas replied.
"All
my sisters are married."
"Your
papa found husbands for them. Everything was arranged, you know that. You are a
contrary, Katie O'Clair, fighting your papa like you do."
"They
had no choice, being married off like that. They're not cattle, you know."
"They
don't seem to mind."
Katie
turned over swiftly to lie on her stomach.
"Thomas
Eugene Kiernan, look at me."
"Nope."
"Come
on. Look me in the eyes and tell me you would like your father to give you a
girl you don't want."
Thomas
turned over lazily, bracing himself on his elbows.
"I'm
looking, Katie O'Clair. I ought to tell you they're thinking of fixing us
up."
"Me and you?" Katie burst out laughing. "Tommy Kiernan! I've seen that little
thing of yours when my Mama bathed us together under the eaves in a tub in
summer!" Tommy looked crestfallen, but Katie knew he was shamming.
"Come on, Tommy. We're much better off being friends."
Tommy
reached for her hair and gave it a playful tug.
"Honestly?
It's my mama having crazy notions about us ending up together."
"And
you know Papa promised that freckle-faced evil widower Justin Riley I would be
his wife by June."
"June!
Didn't you say you want to be in the
"With what money, Thomas Kiernan? They were dreams..."
"I've saved
enough. I know you've saved too. Come on, Katie. We've dreamed together since
our tub days."
"Yes,
Tommy," she sighed. She was secretly thrilled at running away from home,
but what about her sisters,
whose husbands weren't nice to them and whose necks and arms were
bruised from their men's roughness? What about Mama? It was a mighty big
decision leaving behind everything she loved.
Tommy
looked at her with earnest eyes. His eyes were very blue, like the bluest blue
sky in summer. Tommy was her best friend. She remembered the times he would
come to her after his papa had beaten him. Then she'd take him down to the
stream at the end of the embankment not far from the farmhouse and bathe his
back. His papa was like most men in the district. If Tommy incurred his papa's
wrath, he'd get the belt soon enough.
Tom had talked so
many times of running away from home. Why? She thought because he didn't fit
in. He never had. Neither did she, heaven forbid that she should. Her sisters
were ill-treated by their husbands. She was the only one not married. The
others had all been farmed out to the nearest drunken slob.
But Tommy had always
dreamed of the stars. Since they were children he would lie in the field on his
back, his hands behind his head, chewing on his beloved reed. Then, if it
wasn’t raining he'd gaze up at the bright blue sky with a faraway look in his
eyes. His papa didn't understand much about his own son, and he never could say
what it meant when Tommy got that look. And Tommy wouldn't say anything either.
He only ever told her what he was thinking about because she never laughed at
his outlandish ideas.
"I
could fly an aeroplane, Katie. Maybe not now, but one day.
Not here, though. Papa wants me to take over the farm. I hate the farm. You know
how I hate the place. I want to be...up there..." he'd say, pointing to
the sky.
Her sisters couldn't
read and write much; she had always run off with Tommy and begged him to teach
her to read and write too. Once, it was only for two years, her mama had sent
her to live with her Aunt Mairy in a seaside village. Aunt Mairy was her mama's
younger sister; when she lived there, her aunt had always said her mama married
beneath their name. She knew her Mama wasn't happy much of the time because she
never smiled very often. Katie never heard her mother laugh.
It was Aunt
Mairy who taught her advanced reading, the art of writing, even Mathematics.
"We
have all been educated, Katie O'Clair, even your mother. But your
father..."
"He
doesn't believe women should have knowledge?"
"Aye.
Then they'd get too stroppy for his liking, making too many demands."
"Is
that..." Katie had paused as she looked up from the book she had been
reading - a novel by George Eliot called Silas Marner, "why he never sent
any of us to school, Aunt Mairy?"
"That
is why your Papa doesn't like me much, Katie O'Clair. He can't stand a woman
speaking up. I once wrote him to ask that he send you to school at least. Know
what he said? About women? They're good only for
procreation and farming. They should know their place and do the husband's
bidding. They should not think!"
Katie had
been holding the book with the cover visible to her.
"George
Eliot was a woman, Aunt Mairy. There are now many more women who are in
medicine, science, journalism...the world is opening up for us..."
"That
is so. But we have a long way to go, Katie, before women will be accepted as
equals in every aspect of life."
"Even
the vote?"
"Even the vote." Aunt Mairy smiled. It was an enigmatic smile,
like she knew that one day it would happen.
"I
love you, Aunt Mairy...very much." She had put down her book and hugged
the kind woman who looked a lot like her own mother.
"Your Mama did
a very brave thing, Katie O'Clair, in sending you here. It was the first time
she ever went against your father's wishes..."
Katie
sighed as she looked up at the sky. Aunt Mairy had died two years ago, and that
was the end of a great partnership. She had been to school for the two years
and learnt a great deal. She could read, write, do Math, knew history and world
events. She was grateful to her aunt.
She got to be almost
cleverer than Tommy who had completed his schooling. That was something her own papa and mama couldn't understand either. They wanted
their girls to stay home and work around the house doing the laundry, farming
with chickens and pigs and potatoes, and prepare themselves for marriage and
babies - lots of babies. But she had always had a 'head for figures' as her
mother said. Papa had shown his displeasure when she went to live with Aunt
Mairy and got an education, but Mama had been adamant that it would do her
good. When she returned from her aunt after two years, Mama was thinking differently. Katie
was a little wild, she said. Katie was too pretty, she said. Katie looked
educated, she said. Education made Katie superior, she said. How was Katie
going to get a man now?
Katie
always thought that having a brain that worked automatically made her wild in
the eyes of those who didn't understand her need and thirst for knowledge. So
Mama looked like she was sorry ever sending her to Aunt Mairy. Once,
when they had all been to church and the village schoolmaster took one look too
long at her - him being a married man - her mama threatened to send her away to
a convent because "you look too awful pretty to lure them young men to you
like a bee to a honey pot."
She wanted
to tell her mama then that bees make honey. She told her mama it was wrong to
want to hide her from society. She asked Mama what's wrong with being independent? She walked around for days with her eyes black
and blue from the way her papa slapped her face for being rude to Mama. Tommy
had seen it and come every day to the house. Then they'd walk to the stream and
lie on the bank and look up at the sky. Tommy never seemed to mind that he
himself walked around with his back full of scars, but he got angry every time
when he had to soothe and bathe her arms and legs and back when her papa got
after her. Funny how they never sent Tommy away from The Craggs, but that was
because his papa was their papa's friend and his papa was one fearsone man who
was once in the army; it was because they thought with Tommy, she was safe.
She took every
opportunity she could get to read, because it was her window to the world. Once
she had tried to read poetry, but found it hard to understand. If only she
could meet someone who could teach her to understand it! Yet, she had found a
poem in one of Aunt Mairy's books that sounded so beautiful that she cried just
at the sound of its beauty.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
At least she knew
some Mathematics, not just arithmetic of fractions and subtraction, multiplication,
but simple Algebra and Geometry, of which she developed a clear understanding.
How often did she work with Tommy finding solutions for equations? She could
never understand why she was different. Whenever they had a young man lined up
for her, she'd say no, she wasn't interested in getting married yet. She wanted
to fall in love and marry one day, knowing that the man she married must be
just as much in love with her as she would be with him, that there would be
mutual respect, faith and trust. It was a tall order, but didn't she deserve to
be loved?
"He'll
be good for you, Katie O'Clair," her papa would say. "We must arrange
for your marriage soon. He has a big farm up north."
"But I
don't love him!" she would answer.
"You
will marry, Katie O'Clair, and soon too. Your sisters are all married and they
have children."
She didn't
want to remind Papa that Linny's baby died in child birth, that Linny almost
died from losing so much blood and that Linny's husband thought it was fine if
he could make her pregnant again quickly. Linny walked around looking ill most
of the time.
She didn't
want that for her. She wanted a man to love her for herself, and to respect her
as a wife and as a woman. There didn't seem to be a man in all
Kathleen
wanted to marry for love.
Maybe that
was why they didn't like her very much. She didn't think her father loved her
mother very much either, but they had six daughters. She was the third eldest.
Linny, Erin and Niamh
were all younger than her and were married. Linny was the
youngest and she had already had a stillborn baby and was heavy with child
again. Linny looked washed out and she was only eighteen. At that age, she,
Katie, had spent her time reading, writing letters to newspapers in
The men
were rugged farm types who preferred not to think. She shrank away from men like that. Tommy was
more refined. He respected her as a person. He could draw; he liked to dress
clean and he had a brain that worked. He read books and studied the stars
because one day, "who knows, I might walk on the moon..."
"Oh,
go on, Tommy Kiernan, whoever thought of walking on the moon? Do you know how
far away it is?"
Why she
bothered to ask Tommy that, she never knew. She always fell into the trap that
would get Tommy talking non-stop about spreading his wings, about the moon and
the stars and about the small telescope his uncle, who was in the Navy, had
given him. She knew almost as much as Tommy about the moon and the stars, but
she also knew about Jules Verne, about the French Revolution, about Jane Austen
and the Brontes, about Marie Curie.
After Aunt
Mairy died, Justin Riley moved into the district. She had gone with her father
to meet him. After that, Justin Riley invited her to visit him more often.
Sometimes she took Tommy with her. Riley scared her a little. But he had
something no one else she knew had, except Aunt Mairy, whose books she
inherited. There weren't many books, but they were her pride and joy. Justin
Riley had a little library.
Only Tommy
knew how she'd go to that widower Justin Riley's house to look after his two small
boys, just to get into his library to read his books. The first time he found
her in the library, he made her a bargain. Kathleen wanted to press her palms
against her ears and close her eyes at the shame of being kissed by Justin
Riley, or being mauled by his rough hands. That day she decided being mauled by
him just to read his books was not worth her dignity and her preservation. She
was not going to sell her soul to the devil.
Two weeks ago she
had run from his house, run like mad over the meadows and straight into Tommy's
arms where he waited for her at the hedge that adjoined their farms. She was so
out of breath that she thought she would faint. She had been hysterical then.
Tommy had walked her to their special spot near the stream and calmed her down.
He saw the marks, saw how her the bodice of her dress
was torn and saw the scratches on her breasts. She had been ashamed and tried
to cover her
bosom.
"Just
to read his books... Damn it all! It's not worth it, Katie O'Clair. It's not
worth it..." Tommy had been angry. "You are better than that, Katie.
You deserve better. It's not worth it..." he repeated his litany. Tommy
was as angry as she had ever seen him. His blue eyes looked like they were on
fire, or they were shooting sparks.
"Thomas
to Kathleen... Thomas to Kathleen..."
She woke
from a deep dream. At first the sky had been hazy but it became clear again.
Tommy was looking at her, smiling. His eyes looked merry. Playfully, she pulled
his ivy cap right over his eyes.
"Thank
you for waking me up like that, Tommy Kiernan." She laughed, relieved to
be looking at him again, but wondering what the last thing was that he said.
Then she sobered a little. Aunt Mairy had given her money and she had hidden it
away in a small box under her bed. She had also saved some money Mama had given
her every week. It wasn't much, but enough to buy her a ticket and a few other
things, even a little to save.
"So
are we going to make the move, Katie?" Tommy asked as he shifted his cap
again to look at her. His eyes were piercing. She was a little afraid. She'd
never be able to do it alone although Tommy had given her a lot of confidence
to leave behind everything that she loved. She loved her country, but she knew
that she could never be the
wife of Justin Riley who was rich, but whom they said, had killed
his wife.
"I'm a
little afraid, Tommy," she admitted. "I might never see
"Look,
Katie, you're a woman. I'm a man. For me it's probably easier, being a man,
able to travel alone. I know what I'm going to do when I get there. There's a
lot I want to do. There's a lot you
want to do. You... you have the heart and soul of a writer - "
Katie wanted to stop him, but he took her hand in his own and kissed the
back of it. "I know you write letters and articles to newspapers in
Katie had
tears in her eyes. It was the longest speech Tommy had ever made.
"I
love you, Thomas Eugene Kiernan. When I get to
"I
want that, Katie," Thomas vowed. "I want that very much, because I
never want to lose contact with the best friend who ever lived in
"When
do we make the move?"
"On
Friday morning, when I cart the milk into
Tommy
sounded so enthusiastic. His eyes were alive. He wanted to get away as much as
she did. She felt lighter than she had in weeks. The thought of Justin Riley
pinching and mauling her again was distasteful. Her papa didn't know that side
of the man, who put on a mask of decency when he visited their farm sometimes.
When Papa wasn't looking,
Justin's eyes would be on her and she swore there was lust in
them that had nothing to do with respect or caring. That image alone was enough
to send her running to the
**********
It was
early evening, just after supper when Katie went to her room to read. She had a
small collection of which she was very proud. As long as she kept them out of
the way of her parents, it was fine. She had washed the dishes and scrubbed the
kitchen floor 'til she could eat off it. Her dress sleeves were rolled above
her elbow and she had tucked in her unruly hair with pins.
She had
never liked wearing an apron and incurred Mama's wrath because she got her
house dress dirty more often than not. She had always thought if she wore one,
she'd look like a servant, and they were most horribly treated, especially
Ceara who worked on Justin Riley's farm. Katie's heart sank at the thought of
poor Ceara. She knew that Justin forced her into his bed sometimes, though she
never spoke a word. It was a hard life and Ceara, though she suffered, endured
because she was so poor and had to fend not only for herself, but three younger
siblings and her sickly mother.
She was
expecting Tommy in an hour. She couldn't wait for news. She had given him
enough and more of her savings for her ticket to
She knew
about
Katie
lounged on her bed with her book about the fortunes of Heatchliff and Catherine when there
was a knock on her door and Tommy entered.
"Katie!"
he cried out, but kept his voice low, "it's so good to see you!" She
knew why he spoke like that. Mama and Papa were likely to listen while her
bedroom door had to remain open. Tommy wore his ever present newsboy cap, and
over his faded trousers held on his body with a pair of braces, he wore a faded
jacket with patches at the elbows. Faded but neat. She
liked him like that. His hand dug into an inside pocket.
"You've
got it?" she asked softly, sliding off the bed and closing her door.
"Two
tickets to
"So
much!" she exclaimed.
"So
what, Katie? We're not
rich. But we both have enough left over to pay for accommodation and food over
the first few weeks. We stick together, right?"
"Oh, Tommy! I'm getting butterflies already. We're leaving on the 10th of May!
Today is the 5th!"
"That's
okay. Now listen, here's what we've got to do..." Tommy dug into his
inside pocket again and brought out a piece of paper.
"What
is that?"
"Papers
to apply for immigration to the
"We're
never coming back?"
"Maybe
one day, who knows? There are no guarantees, Katie."
She had tried to
swallow her distress. The reality was beginning to hit her hard. They were
leaving, making another country their home, their new heimat. Outside it was
getting darker, but she could still discern the huge oak standing side by side
with a chestnut tree. They were her favourite trees. There was the swing… She
remembered how she and Linny and Niamh had played under the trees, how they had
sat in the swing, swaying gently back and forth on rare days in summer when the
weather was good and the sun bathed their faces in goodness. She remembered Mama
coming outside and bringing a big glass jug of lemonade she'd made with fresh
lemons from the lemon tree in the backyard. Those days when Mama smiled she
loved her mother with fierce pride. Suddenly, she couldn’t see the trees
anymore for the tears that filled her eyes.
No more trees, no
more green grass of Ireland, no more chestnuts and oaks, no more icicles that
formed lacy patterns over the eaves of the front porch of the house. No more
would she see their dogs bounding through the snow towards her and patting her
with their wet paws as they jumped up against her.
She turned
to face Tommy. He looked worried.
"You're
not changing your mind, Katie," he whispered, and he too, looked like he
was going to cry. "We made a promise, remember?"
"A
promise..." she repeated.
Then a vision
assailed her of her papa smacking her black and blue because she was too clever
for her boots. She saw again Justin Riley's lustful eyes on her. She felt again
his nails digging into her breasts as he tore her bodice away, his teeth on her
skin, her mouth. Mama thought it was Tommy who had kissed her so that her lips
were bleeding and didn't say anything. She'd seen her Papa and Justin together
only yesterday, talking about an agreement which would benefit the O'Clairs
financially when Justin Riley and Kathleen Eileen O'Clair married. The deal was
made. They never asked her, never consulted her. She saw Linny's unsmiling,
unhappy face and closed her eyes. She saw Niamh, whose eyes looked forever sad
because the man she loved was not her husband, but a childhood sweetheart. She
saw
"So, Katie?" Tommy asked softly as he saw the struggle in her transform into a final
resolve.
"Yes...
Yes, let's go. I'm to marry Justin Riley on the 20th May."
"On your birthday?"
"Yes."
"We'll
be away by then. Now, here's what I propose we do about packing your
belongings..."
They spent the next
few minutes talking about luggage, occasionally breaking out in laughter. It
was a good way to distract her parents. Her papa never worried about Tommy
being in her room or coming at all hours to the house. Once, when they had been
younger, she had seen her papa looking at Tommy with a great deal of longing in
his eyes. She had realised then that he missed having a son. With six daughters
and the four times mama had lost babies after Linny was born, there was never
going to be a son to carry the name of O'Clair, so Papa always welcomed Tommy
to The Craggs.
"I
received payment for all my articles I wrote to
"Good.
That way when we get there, you can draw all your money. We're going to need
every penny."
"And I
shall have to..." Katie's voice became soft, and she was overcome by great
sadness again.
"What
is it, Katie?" Tommy asked, looking again very worried. He always licked
his upper lip when he was worried.
"My
book..."
"You
will finish it in the
"I
suppose so."
"What's
it called?"
"It
doesn't have a title yet, though it soon will have."
"Fine,
if you don't want to tell your best friend."
"You're
in it, don't worry."
"I am,
Katie O'Clair? Thomas Eugene Kiernan is in your book? Why, that's mighty fine. Mighty fine."
Katie
laughed at Tommy's comical expression. She couldn't imagine her life without
Tommy Kiernan. Even so, she knew that if ever she were to meet a man who would
love and respect her for herself and who could understand her vision and her
drive, she would want Tommy to be a part of her life, as godfather and uncle to
her children in the
"Godfather
to my first-born son, remember?"
"How can I
forget?" Tommy's eyes were smiling again, the grey clouds that had
darkened them moments before, suddenly gone. "Now,
Katie, I'll come one evening, when everyone's sleeping, right by your window to
collect your luggage. I'll store it in our barn for a day or two. I'll be by
your window again on the morning we leave. The cart will be waiting by the end
of the lane just outside your farm gate. We're going by horse and cart into
"I've
never been to
"The
cattle ship takes eight hours to cross the
Katie threw
herself into his arms. "Oh, Tommy, you have to pinch me. I can't believe
we're going to do this. It - it's a big step..."
"Then
you'd better spend the next few days saying goodbye to
"We'll
never see these clouds again..." Katie murmured softly.
"On
Sunday night...your luggage, Katie O'Clair..."
**********
Dear Diary
It is Sunday, already almost the hour of
midnight. My candle is burning very low, but my mind is not bothered by the
weak light as it guides my hand to write these words. In another hour my
luggage will be collected by Tommy. Tommy will hide it where nobody will ever look
for it.
I feel displaced. I am here and not here. Isn't
that a strange thing to say? A paradox, perhaps? It is
as if I'm already saying goodbye to my beloved country and feel myself lifted
to the clouds of
It is so hard to
leave, but you understand, don't you? If I stay, I know how impossible it is to
be the woman I desire and to be a person in my own right, equal to any man. I
desire that my interest, my drive and my vision be respected by all.
I am saying goodbye
to my people, and even though it hurts me that they could never see me as an
independent being with a life that is mine, I will miss them. I will miss Papa
even though he slapped and spanked me at times. I will miss Mama. She loves me,
I think. Sometimes I saw in her eyes how Eileen O'Clair had the same look I had
when I walked off to the edge of The Craggs’ boundary and dreamed by the brook.
A dreamy look. That was it. Did Mama also have the
desires I have? I shall miss my sisters, especially Linny who deserves
happiness. I feel most worried about her and pray that one day happiness will
be hers too.
I will remember this country forever, don't
worry. I will miss all the songs of
But I have to go. You understand that, don't
you? There is in me a need to fulfill my destiny, to explore everything in me
as a person. Away from home, and away from a union with a man who will never
appreciate me, who will abuse me, and abuse my body. Tommy is right. I am an
eagle ready to spread its wings and look at the world with new eyes. I want
I want my life.
*******************
Kathleen
had never had much of a conversation with her mother. Eileen O'Clair had never
sought her out to talk with her, unless it was to give orders about how the
farmhouse had to be kept clean, things to do about the farm, milking their cow,
washing and peeling potatoes, helping with the newborn lambs, scrubbing floors.
Even now that she was the only daughter still living in the house, Mama kept
herself to one side. She never mentioned her sister Mairy, who'd died two years
ago; Katie would so much have loved to talk to her mother about that.
Even if she
herself wanted to talk, the way Mama would stiffen and then shrug, hurt very
much. Not very often would they go into
Katie always
suspected it was because her mother felt intimidated by her and it distressed
her that her mother could feel like that. It wasn't really that unusual. It
happened often when the child became the intellectual and left the parents
behind. Then it seemed as if the parents couldn't ever talk to them on a
certain level. It was clear that Eileen O'Clair would never open her mouth, for
what would she talk about if she didn't know anything about the world outside
'The Craggs'?
Sometimes she had
seen her mother give her a penetrating look as if she were on the point of
saying something but changed her mind, lest she shame herself. Katie missed
talking. Didn't Mama realise that there were so many other things they could
share? Everyday little things, things that could make two girls giggle, just
women things? No, Eileen O'Clair kept herself to herself.
So it was very
unusual, strange and surprising that Eileen O'Clair, on the day before she and
Tommy had to leave for
"Katie,
would - would you walk with me outside, please?"
Her heart fluttered
nervously. What did Mama want? As Mama had just turned and walked out again she
followed her mother outside. It was another balmy day in which the sun bathed
them in spring warmth. They were quiet as she let her mother lead the way.
Down, towards the edge of The Craggs, to the little silver stream at the bottom
of the embankment where so often she had walked herself when the house became
too constricted for her. She could hear the water as it rushed gently over
ancient pebbles. Katie wore an old house dress with large pockets, no apron.
Her best dresses had been packed and Tommy had already hidden her luggage so it
didn't matter much that her skirts trailed on the dirty ground.
By the stream her
mother stopped. Eileen O'Clair was already grey, although once her hair had
been the same burnished gold of her daugher. She and her mother were the only
ones with exactly the same colour hair, the same eyes - grey-green on warm
days. Mama turned to face the hills in the distance, and once again Katie felt
like being shut out. The rushing water faded to a faraway sound and the calling
birds had fluttered off an eternity ago.
"Mama?"
"I
know what you're going to do, Katie O'Clair," her mother said matter-of-factly.
That gave
Katie an almighty jolt. Her heart stood still for a second, then started
pounding furiously. Her mother kept her eyes on the hills. She wished Mama
would look at her, wished she could see her face.
"What
is it that I'm going to do, Mama?" she asked, stalling for time.
"By
this time tomorrow, you will have left
Eileen
turned at last and looked at her with pain-filled eyes. Her hair was tied back
in a bun, and loose strands fell about her face. She looked tired - beautiful
and tired as she studied Katie for endless moments, never dropping her gaze.
"Please
don't stop me, Mama," she pleaded.
"Of
all my girls, Katie O'Clair, you are the only one who challenged your papa, who
braved his displeasure, even endured being slapped and hit by him..."
"Let me
explain, Mama," she said, feeling as if all
"Do
you know how much I admired you, Katie?" Eileen's face became suddenly
animated, the tiredness less obvious. "You had the courage none of us had;
you went ahead and fought for what you wanted, without asking anyone's help,
because, my darling child, none of us could give it, or wanted to... " Eileen looked
away again, thoughtful in her expression. Katie said nothing, too shocked at
her mother's revelation, just the fact that she was talking was such a shock.
Eileen met her gaze again. There was a gentle smile that hovered about her
lips. The transformation was stunning. She reached to touch Katie's cheek.
"You started talking very early, did you know? You said 'Eileen' when you
were barely nine months old. When you looked at the odd papers we had in the
house - mostly of which
was used to wrap the meat we brought from the butcher in
Tears
streamed down her mother's face; it was as if a dam had broken and all the
water overflowed, rushing out in great torrents. She didn't even ask how her
mother knew about her journey...
"I have sensed
your restlessness for a long, long time, Katie. Your papa thought it was that
you couldn't wait to get married. But I knew you looked at the world around you
with different eyes. You have a thirst for knowledge that could never be
extinguished. You love books. Don't think I don't know you have a few that you
hide from everyone in your room..."
Her
mother's face became a blur as tears filled her eyes.
"How
did you know, Mama? That I would leave?"
"I
always thought you'd want to go to
"Please,
don't stop me," she said again. "I love you, Mama... Don't stand in
the way of my freedom. I know I must marry Justin in two weeks' time. But I
can't! I do not love him!" Her words became impassioned, and her mother
moved for the first time, pulling Katie into her embrace. They stood like that,
both of them weeping. Later, when Katie stood back, her mother smiled at her.
Then she dug into the pocket of her apron and pulled out something. She handed
the small packet to Katie.
"It's
the money I saved from the milk and the lemons and my little potato patch. You
will need it, Katie..."
"Mama?"
"I
know the time you must leave is early in the morning. I've heard a ship called
the Britannic leaves Liverpool for
"Mama?"
"Do not look so
surprised, Katie. I am saying my goodbye to you now, for I love you so much,
you don't know how much! I can't get up at four in the morning and not alert
your papa, you understand? Now will have to do. Go
with God, my child. Be happy always and be the person you couldn't be
here."
"I
love you, Mama."
Eileen O'Clair
smiled a gentle smile that changed her face, taking years off her age. She
touched Katie's cheek again in a light caress.
"There, there, child. You will always be in my heart. Always."
She threw herself
against her mother and wept forlornly. Her mother, a woman she’d hardly ever understood,
who understood her so well, well enough to know that she was a daughter of
With tear-stained
eyes she looked at her mother minutes later. Eileen O'Clair hooked Katie's arm
through hers and together they roamed the farm, walked to every beloved corner
of it, took in its sights, its sounds, committed it to
her memory. They talked, sometimes breaking out into bright laughter. It was a
miracle to hear her mother laugh. It was a sound she would remember for the
rest of her life. She knew she would, for that late afternoon when mother and
daughter found one another and knew that it might be the last time they would
see each other, they became the friends that had been denied them for so long.
She was her
mother's daughter, more than any of her sisters. Not only did she resemble Eileen
O'Clair, but she was convinced now that in other, subtle ways, she was so like
her mother. It was a discovery that came on the eve of her departure, so
late... So late! She told her mother about
"I
know you will marry one day, Katie. I know you will only be happy if you marry
a man whom you love and who loves you exactly the same."
"I
will not specifically look for one, Mama."
"I
know. But know this - love comes so unexpectedly, you have to keep a good head
about you not to lose sight of all the things you planned for yourself..."
"Oh, I
will do everything, Mama. Tommy and I will be together. I don't love him, you
know."
"I
always hoped that you would come to love him."
"I
know now why you hoped that, Mama. He would always understand my heart."
"That
is because he shares your vision, sweet, tough, gentle Katie."
"Maybe
you should never have bathed us in the same tub when we were wee little
children, barely out of nappies."
"Aye.
You are right there. You have grown too accustomed to one another to have
fallen in love."
"He'll
find someone..."
"I do
not doubt that."
They
stopped, looked at one another, then hugged again
fiercely before they treaded a path home.
**********
It was in a
much lighter mood that she and Mama prepared supper, for Liam O'Clair would be
home. A real creature of habit, he preferred his wife's cooking, preferred
being in his own home at supper time. The day had died and now the dining room
was bathed in the golden glow of candles.
Katie
looked around her, thinking that soon she would not see the room again, or the
family portraits hanging above the fireplace. Sad at the thought and at the
same time excited, she laid the table. Her mother's table linen,
hand-embroidered, starched and pristine white, graced the table. She gave a
little smile, thinking that her papa would probably ask what the occasion was,
to which Mama, with her soft voice, would say that they hadn't taken out the
fineries for a long time and that they needed airing. She knew her father would
just mumble about waste of time and effort and money.
Mama was in
the kitchen, and to Katie's wonder, was humming a Celtic song, a haunting
melody that drifted towards her. She felt at peace, now that she had made her
peace. The old grandfather clock went on ticking, the swinging pendulum lazily
joining the rhythm of the melody.
"Mama,
you really love that tune!"
"The
first time I heard it, I knew I was going to name one of my daughters
'Kathleen'."
In one of
his rare moments of generosity, Liam O'Clair had acquired a gramophone. It was
a new invention, hardly 25 years old, but Mama fell in love with it. Linny,
Erin and Niamh were still living in the house and to appease them mostly,
Kathleen thought, he went overboard and purchased the gramophone together with a
few records. They didn't eat proper meals for weeks after that, but it was
worthwhile. He believed it created a better mood in which they would never
object to his choice of husband when he was matchmaking. It was her mother's
passion, and whenever they were in
Katie
smiled as her mother entered the dining room with a steaming tureen.
"Papa's
going to suspect, Mama. I don't think we - "
"Don't
worry, Katie. Listen, I can hear the cart. No, two carts... Odd, don't you
think?"
"I
think we might have visitors tonight, Mama."
Eileen
sighed. Katie knew her mother had wanted to spend the last hours with her.
Her father
was the first to poke his head through the door leading to the dining room. He
smiled and Katie frowned.
"Papa?"
"Well,
Katie, look who's here, come to share our meal with us. I see you've prepared
and brought out Mama's fine crockery and table cloth."
Katie's
eyes were glued to the door. To her father she had given a perfunctory
greeting. Justin Riley came through smiling, and he was followed by a stranger.
She had never seen the man, but disliked him on sight.
"Hello,
Kathleen. This here is my friend Michael Sullivan. He hails from
"Welcome
to our house, Michael," she said softly, then bade them sit down at the
table. Justin had been carrying a large, flat box which he placed on the vacant
chair next to him.
"Well,
aren't you men coming to the kitchen to wash your hands?" her mother said
through the door.
The men
rose again and filed into the kitchen where a large bowl of water waited. Her
mother always reminded Papa to wash his hands. As soon as the men were busy,
her mother scurried to her side. Katie's head started to swim. Something awful
was going to happen, she just knew it. Michael looked evil, just like Justin
Riley. Sick to her stomach, she looked at Eileen.
"Mama...?"
"I
swear I never knew they were coming, Katie," her mother whispered as she
removed her apron.
"I
don't know that other man. He looks oily, like he serves stale beer in a dirty
pub..."
"Says
his name is Michael Sullivan from
"No,
sure I don't know of any Michael Sullivan, dearie. Come, let's sit down. Your
papa will begin to wonder..."
Minutes later the
men came in and sat down at the table. Eileen folded her hands and bowed her
head, beginning softly to say grace. Katie stared at Justin and wondered how he
could befriend Michael. On the outside at least Justin was a refined man,
something completely lacking in Michael. His unshaven, aggressive appearance
and rough hands made her wonder if he indulged in the street-fighting she had
heard of.
When Eileen finished
grace, they ate in silence. She kept looking at Justin and his friend in turn,
kept wondering at this new, sudden and unlikely alliance. Michael said little,
just mumbled under his breath while he ate. She also wondered about the large
box. A wave of dread filled her. She couldn't let her plans fail now. She stole
a glance at her mother who was occupied with eating her food. Only her father
kept up some inane chatter. Whatever it was that brought them here tonight, was going to wait until the meal was over.
She endured
the tension that filled the room, the terrible sense of doom that was raised to
her mouth with every lift of her fork. When the clock struck eight, Katie
helped her mother to clear the table. In the kitchen she gripped her mother's
arm.
"Mama,
something's up, I think. They're planning something. I don't like the looks of
it..." she whispered urgently.
"Katie,
if you're going to show anything in there now to provoke your papa or Justin...
Just keep your head..."
"I'll
try, Mama. I'll try," she said, but her heart was beating in her throat.
"Now,
Katie, you will be married to Justin Riley," her father said as soon as
they were all seated again. Justin smiled broadly. "We planned it for your
birthday on the 20th of this month."
Justin
cleared his throat, a grunting sound. "I have been to
She looked
at her mother, then at her father, saw Michael's malevolent glare before she
removed the lid. Lifting the soft white paper carefully, a white dress was
revealed. She gave a small gasp, because the white was white as the snowy clouds, and lacy too. The dress was beautiful. She pulled
out the dress and heard her mother's gasp, Papa's exclamation of delight and
Michael's groan. Justin looked expectant.
"Come,
child," she heard Mama's voice coming from a distance, "I think they
expect you to try on your wedding dress."
Katie tried
her best not to look stunned or show her misery. She smiled tightly and nodded
to Justin in a kind of 'thank-you' way, then escaped with the box to her room.
Her mother padded after her.
In her
bedroom, before she could give a cry of distress, Eileen O'Clair clamped a hand
over her mouth. She breathed hard into her mother's palm, her eyes hurting from
the reality of what was going to happen, of what she was expected to do. Slowly
Mama removed her hand.
"Mama,
you know I can't marry Justin!"
"Shhh...little one. It is two weeks away. By this time tomorrow you
will be on the open sea - "
"But
Mama, why do I feel as if something's going to go wrong?"
"Nothing
will, Katie. I am on your side..." Her mother's words calmed her nerves as
she removed her old dress and put on the wedding dress. It fitted her
perfectly. It also looked like it cost a lot of money. "Holy
mother..." Eileen whispered, "you look so
beautiful..." The older woman's eyes filled with tears. This time Katie
consoled her mother.
"Don't
cry, Mama. We'll get through this. Dry your tears now. We have to pretend that
my wedding day is everything I want and more..."
"Oh,
Katie... Do you think I don't know how Linny is suffering? And
Erin and Niamh? Your eldest sister... She is having a hard time, you
know. They do not have the respect of their husbands... I - I have lived long
enough, Katie, to understand your papa a little. He's a hard man who missed
having sons. But you... you have every chance of success. You are an eagle, an
eagle that takes to the skies with wings that hover in the wind. You are that.
Yes, you are..."
"Come,
Mama," Katie said, her voice sounding calm now, without the distress of
earlier in it. She knew that she would be long gone by the time she was
supposed to marry Justin. She took a deep breath, took her mother's still
trembling hand in hers and led her to the dining room. Her papa was biting his
pipe between his teeth. Justin and Michael smoked cigarettes, and Michael
coughed loudly as if he choked on the smoke. The talking stopped instantly and
her papa rose to his feet. Justin stood up as well, whistling softly.
"There'd
be no better looking bride in all of
Katie
endured their looks. Justin walked round the table to her and turned her round,
appraising her. It sickened her as she saw Michael's dark, brooding eyes. He
hadn't shaved and looked uncouth. She remembered to stay calm, to think of the
eagle flying high in the blue skies. She had to remember Tommy,
Justin took
his seat again, lit another cigarette and looked pointedly at her father. Her
father gave a small cough, blustered as he rolled his cigar between thumb and
forefinger. Smoke billowed about them, mixing with the tendrils that rose from
the candles. The old man stood up. Katie
looked at her mother in confusion and panic. Eileen O'Clair shrugged, just as
confused.
"Katie,
Eileen," Liam started, "I - uh..." he stopped, continued as
Justin elbowed him. "I - uh...we uh...have
decided to bring the wedding date forward."
"P-Papa?"
"Liam?"
"Katie,
Justin and Michael felt it the best to do so. I agreed, since there is no point
in waiting until the 20th of May."
"Liam!
What are you talking about?" Eileen asked.
"The
wedding will take place in the Holy Nativity Priory in
******
END CHAPTER
THREE