Kathryn was glad she had taken the Excalibur, a type 9 shuttle of the Crimond. It was traveling at a sedate warp 2; she had taken her medication for her nausea, refrained from giving in to the urge to replicate her good mug of coffee and had tea instead. Now she was feeling pleasantly lethargic. Her journey of eight hours could be happily spent reflecting on her life with Chakotay and the years ahead in which they would be parents to Hannah. That was her thought when she started out from the Crimond, and now, seven hours later, she was still in a lazy state. She engaged autopilot and was lying on her back on a bunk situated in the aft section of the Excalibur.

In an hour she would reach the orbit of Dorvan V. Then she would meet with Chakotay and tell him the good news. She felt a little sheepish, knowing her action was sentimental, and not like many would expect the Captain of a starship, or more importantly, a woman of her age and sensibilities to behave. Very young married women who were still in the mostly starry-eyed-about-marriage stage would have done what she was doing. Here she was, rushing to her husband's side when another woman would have taken the news sagely, and calmly waited until her husband returned from wherever, or even sent a subspace message about his pending fatherhood. Then the husband would scoop his wife in his arms with a victory cry and declare that he had "done it!".

Kathryn snickered as she thought of a scenario in which she could hail Chakotay while on the Crimond and he on the Ormskirk, and while his face frowned as he looked at her from the giant main viewscreen of the ship's bridge, she would say:

"Hello, Chakotay. I have the most amazing news for you. You're going to be a father!"

She could just picture his surprise or the gasps from the bridge crew and perhaps the entire crew of the Ormskirk who would be witness to her ship wide announcement.

She'd gladly be lying under him in their bed later as due punishment for embarrassing him with an announcement like that in front of his crew. He would kiss her silly and later - she knew he would - Chakotay would make love to her again and make her body tingle like crazy for hours afterwards.

They made love on the night before his departure for Dorvan V and that was three weeks ago. Her body craved him. All those times when they were on separate missions, she had accepted that they were Starfleet officers who had to put personal lives aside for a greater, more noble task of defending the Federation. She missed him something furiously, naturally, and he was in no better shape by the time they made their subspace communication.

Now, being pregnant again, she missed him. She missed his beloved face, his big bear hugs, the smile, the concern (when she was drinking far too much coffee for her own good), the love that radiated from him, the quiet moments when love needed no outward manifestation and all they needed was just being together.

She missed him.

"Do you ever think of me when you're away?" she asked him once.

"All the time."

"Good. Just so I know."

"Kathryn, what's this? You know very well I can't breathe without you."

"I'm a woman, Chakotay," she stated, unperturbed. "I'm allowed to be assured on a daily basis."

"I suppose women like to hear verbal professions of love from their husbands," he conceded grudgingly.

Kathryn smiled to herself again when she remembered their time on the Crimond when they had shared the tub, drinking good wine from long flutes and how she pinched his testicles with her toes because he was so off-hand about her question.

Yes, men sometimes needed to hear it too. She had no trouble repeating her avowal of love for him. It gave her a sense of freedom just telling him she loved him. She pictured him constantly, dreamed most nights of him. Then her hand always stole to the locket she wore under her uniform. Another secret smile. While it was against Starfleet regulations to be bejewelled, no one could see her locket. She thought that was what many officers in Starfleet did anyway.

"Oh, Hannah, you're safe just here, close to my heart," she whispered.

The shuttle sped to its destination. Late last night she had relayed Elizabeth Paris's message to Caldik Prime where her son Tom was stationed. He was on board his vessel and his voice had sounded a little dour when she informed him of the message, downloading it on his vid-com. He hadn't looked very happy. She thought she saw a discontented look on his face. The only redeeming element was the way his piercing blue eyes suddenly lit up when she mentioned his parents. A second later his joy was replaced with the discontented look again.

But, Kathryn was glad that that part of her mission was complete. She was happy doing it for her physician who was, when all was said and done, just a mother who missed her son. The Admiral was just a father who missed his son. She hoped sincerely that Tom could patch things with his parents. Kathryn realised it was not so much Tom's mother, but his father who was the source of Tom's rebellious streak. Tom was still young, she supposed, and the idea of correction could appeal to him, if he considered himself a mature human being who could be humble and talk to his father. Sometimes she had seen Admiral Paris's eyes fixed on a framed photograph of Tom on the desk in his office. That small gesture alone was enough to reveal the Admiral's regard for his son.

"He chose to be stationed so far away, Kathryn," Dr Paris said one day.

"Maybe it's just something they all do - get away from the parental hub as soon as they can," Kathryn replied.

Elizabeth Paris had given a deep sigh and Kathryn could hear the yearning in her voice.

"I wonder, Tom," she whispered in the semi-dark of the shuttle, "if you know just how much your parents care about you..."

Her thoughts went to her husband, who had not seen his parents for more years than the few months at a time Tom Paris was away from home. Chakotay had done the right thing. He had made the move - albeit with some encouragement from her - to go to his parents and heal the breach that existed between them for so many years. It took great courage, and Chakotay had done that. It was the most poignant thing she had ever witnessed: father and son reuniting. Not only that, Chakotay loved his family. He belonged with them. Now, they could come to Dorvan V for their vacations as their home away from home. She loved Kolopak and Hannah as if they were her own mother and father, and she had grown to admire and respect them deeply for their beliefs, but mostly, because they were genuinely salt of the earth people who extended the hand of friendship to her as a person, an officer, a daughter-in-law, as Chakotay's wife.

She loved Chakotay's family, was happy that he met with them again. She loved little Winonah with the dark, expressive eyes. The child had taken to her and Kathryn had been inordinately pleased. Chakotay looked so in his element in the company of his own people. He looked so part of the setting, so...at home...

Kolopak was the kindest man in the world. Kathryn couldn't imagine never seeing him again, as he had feared when she and Chakotay left the last time. She had given him the assurance that Chakotay and she would visit regularly. Kolopak had a direct regard, a no-nonsense attitude about him. She loved Kolopak and Hannah, as much as Chakotay loved them. Kathryn was going to use her short visit to inform them too, of the pending new addition the family.

She must have dozed off because she woke with a start, surprised to see that an hour had passed. Doctor Paris had warned her that she would experience tiredness. Even the slight nausea had returned, now that the medication had worn off.

"Right on time," she murmured to herself when she reached the orbit of Dorvan V. The thrill and expectation that had persisted along with the film of queasiness, now increased dramatically as she looked at a view of Dorvan V. She was already seated at the conn and was on the alert to receive a hail from the planet.

Kathryn sucked in her breath as she looked at the planet on her viewscreen. It lay quiet, not like the blue of Earth with its swirling oceans, but like a golden ball. Perhaps more like the Red Planet, she thought idly. Her heart burned with fierce pride. Dorvan V was home to her too, now. She felt almost as connected to this world as Chakotay's people were.

Permission to enter orbit and land was a formality as she accepted the greeting from Dorvan's Chief of Operations.

"And may I say 'Welcome to our world' , Captain Janeway."

Kathryn smiled at the face that stared at her. His hair was pitch black and very long; a section was caught in a long braid adorned with a feather. It still struck her as so unique that the tribes of Dorvan V, though obsessed with retaining their cultural identity, set about using the Federation's most advanced communications systems to keep track of the comings and goings of Off-Worlders. She knew this man. She had been introduced to him by Chakotay himself the last time they were on Dorvan V.

"Thank you, Cha'tima," she responded to his friendly greeting. When she closed communication, she prepared to enter orbit and minutes later the Excalibur touched down on the launching pads on the outskirts of Chakotay's village.

It was dusk, but the sky was clear. Even so, the stars were out, flickering brightly against the firmament. Kathryn paused for a few minutes to breathe in the warmth of the planet as its aura wrapped itself around her. It was strange, she thought. The stars appeared almost blue in the distance. She had learned on her first visit here that Dorvan's atmosphere created that impression, yet they exuded a warmth, an invitation to want to reach out and touch them.

There were not many people about and the streets were already dark. Those who did stroll about, walked hand in hand - lovers on trysts, maybe, or, a father with his young son or daughter. She was still on the edge of the town, just about to pass the habak. By the smoke that curled lazily in tendrils from a funnel on the roof, she knew that someone was sitting around the stone ring and experiencing a vision quest.

Kathryn gave a sigh when she recalled the first time Kolopak had taken her to the habak and she had seen his father, Chakotay's grandfather. Some weeks after that Chakotay had tentatively suggested guiding her to finding her animal guide.

She smiled to herself at the tender memory of that conversation.

"Let me guess: yours is a bear," she said with so much conviction that Chakotay's face had broken into smiling creases.

"No, it's not," he said, and she had looked with surprise at him. He was so much the bear type, she couldn't imagine him with any other animal. Besides, he was always so damnably huggable.

"Then what is it?" She had had a momentary flash of scepticism that he could have been pulling her a fast one, but his face had been serious, even through the smile. "I can't imagine an animal or a bird stronger and more fearsome than a bear or a condor - "

"It's neither, Kathryn. And, I can't tell you - " Chakotay had replied kindly. He never laughed outright at her ignorance of the ways of his people, the way of the warrior. The truth was, she expected him to find it funny, to ridicule her, but his reaction had always been tinged with kindness, compassion and that somehow absorbed the feeling that he might have made fun of her.

"He must guide you well, Chakotay."

They had been sitting on a deep throw rug on the floor of the lounge in Indiana. There was a glowing fire licking in little tongues, and its glow bathed the room in golden hues. Chakotay had touched her cheek then, giving her the full benefit of his deep dimples.

"It's not a he, Kathryn. It's a she."

She had given him a grave nod and even now, as she walked down the street where their house was situated - it sounded so good saying their house - she remembered thinking how fitting it was that Chakotay, whom her crew called the Angry Warrior, could be guided by a woman.

Then Chakotay had guided her gently to finding her own animal guide. She had been so totally engrossed that the rugged beauty of the rocky shore she found herself transported to appeared so real that she could actually lean against a rock and touch the little animal reverently. She had not consciously been looking for any specific animal and it really seemed as if the animal sought her and found her waiting. Its little eyes were on her, and when she touched it, it didn't move away.

Was it trying to tell her something?

Chakotay had told her there was always something, a message hidden. It was for her the most beautiful experience. Vaguely, she could sense Chakotay's presence in the vision, even as she fully appreciated being part of her surroundings. She could hear the heaving ocean, a gull squawking as it flew towards the horizon, silhouetted against the sun. There the sun was a red ball that hovered and moved slowly, sank into the ocean and its glow painted the sky with hues of red and orange and blue.

It had been a defining moment for her as a scientist who for a few precious and burning minutes - it could have been seconds or milliseconds - had relinquished the curious and the sceptical and moved fearlessly beyond a point where everything rested in spirituality and belief. Even time had become an element, one in which one could live an entire lifetime in one second, or experience whole events in a matter of milliseconds.

She was about fifty metres away from their house. It was almost completely dark now and she wondered what Chakotay was doing. She wanted to surprise him so she didn't hail him on her commbadge. She wanted to see his face, the surprise at her presence, and then watch him as she told him about the baby, about Hannah who would be born around Christmas.

Her heart thudded wildly. She had only a few hours before she had to return to the shuttle and get back to the Crimond. Her mission to other worlds in the sector was almost completed and she was also ready to get home, to Earth. The few strollers she passed in the road marked her presence with pleasant surprise when they greeted her and she returned their greeting.

She reached the front door and quickly, quietly entered.

Kathryn stood in the lounge and noticed immediately the leftover food and wine. Did Chakotay have visitors here today? she wondered. But she heard a voice - voices? - coming from the bedroom. She frowned. Was someone else here? She did enter the right house? The momentary confusion was released when she heard a groan.

Then a cry.

Another cry.

Chakotay.

Kathryn remembered how the absence of doors had taken away all reserve when she and Chakotay had been here, making love. She remembered the liberating feeling of open doors and windows when they made love.

There were voices.

Her feet carried her forward; she felt a sudden rush of adrenaline that fear caused. Even as she started to breathe with difficulty, a part of her knew, and a part of her wanted to lash out in screaming denial.

Kathryn stood in the doorway. Her face froze. She froze into an immobility that she wondered always afterwards, had it been the gods or God who made moving an impossibility?

For minutes she just watched, because what she saw was something unbelievable, so totally unreal that she blinked several times, her eyelids the only sign of movement as her rigid body forced her to watch…

watch…

watch…

Chakotay was lying naked on his back on their bed. His hands were firmly gripped around the waist of a woman.

Kathryn registered absently that the woman was Cardassian.

The woman was impaled on Chakotay, and she was screaming with every heave Chakotay made as he lifted her so that only the tip of his penis was still lodged in her, then he rammed her down on him.

"Yessss!" hissed the woman. Their bodies were bathed in sweat and Chakotay…

His eyes were wide, filled with lust, his mouth open as he grunted in their fierce, ragged movements, their concentration so complete that no one existed beyond the two of them and what they were doing.

"Let me fuck you hard, Sedeka," Chakotay growled, gasping for breath as the woman above him helped him by lifting herself and plunging down on him. Her breasts bobbed as she moved, but her arms were thrown wide in the abandonment of the act. Her hair spread out like a fan as she bucked and Chakotay arched. It was unreal, unreal…

"Oh, yes, do it, Chakotay. Just…do it! Fuck me!"

"Yessss!" he cried in a frenzied voice.

They rode each other in a primal frenzy that was crude, debasing, sickening... Kathryn heard their cries - loud, obscene, becoming wilder, maniacal as they looked like they were fighting each in the throes of their lust.

Kathryn couldn't pull herself away. Someone…something kept her rooted to the spot, someone clamped a pair of hands to her head so she couldn't look away...

Kathryn remembered other times, another place, this place, this bed, Chakotay's words:

Kathryn's face, when it could become animated again as the shock of the tableau rocked her finally into movement, burned with shame. She gave an involuntary cry, then clamped her hand over her mouth, already feeling the nausea heaving like a rolling thunderstorm inside her.

The couple collapsed into their shameless orgasm, and when Kathryn cried out, they became aware of her for the first time.

Sedeka sat up, still impaled on Chakotay, already moving again. There was a malicious grin on her face as she looked at Kathryn while she moved. Chakotay's face, glazed from the sex, for one awful moment changed, recognition dawning. He gripped Sedeka's hips again in an attempt to push her off him, but Sedeka clamped her knees around his waist.

Then she opened her mouth and leered.

"Hello, Captain Janeway. Want to help me fuck Chakotay?"

And Chakotay…

Only one word burst from his mouth as Kathryn swung round and dashed out of the house.

"Kathryn!!!!"

***

She was running.

Her feet carried her up the street, past the last row of houses, past the habak were smoke was still curling from its chimney. She counted herself a person of supreme physical fitness, but her chest burned from the exertion. Her breathing was rapid, short gasps as she tried to wipe the damning images of her husband having sex with a strange woman.

The images stayed, tortured, broke open her conscious and played themselves out with punishing regularity as she ran in the direction of the shuttle launching pads. It seemed kilometres away now, the distance of earlier when her sweet thoughts of her husband and their future together as officers of Starfleet, as parents of their daughter, seemed like nothing.

Now, she sped away from the town, tried to run from the images of groping hands, sweat drenched bodies, coarse language, grunting and groaning that followed her and impaled themselves on her brain. They ravaged her, tossed her about on an open ocean of raging waters.

Her husband, soon-to-be-father of their daughter.

Chakotay, Warrior, who pledged his undying devotion.

In her bed, in the throes of sex with another woman.

Kathryn did not feel the sting of salt tears that burned indelible trails down her cheeks. She had no recollection of running towards the launching pads. Her mind, in a whirl, let the images in and let them terrify her. Her mind, scientist, controller of the rational aspects of her life, was letting her down. She was unable to comprehend, to grasp fully what she had seen. It was an impossibility, something so completely unexpected that she couldn't assimilate it fully. So the images taunted, mocked her.

Two heaving bodies - one was her husband, the other body was not hers.

Not long ago, she had been in that position, straddled over Chakotay and he had claimed that he finally experienced peace such as he had never experienced before in his life.

Kathryn ran. Her mouth was open, some of the tears found their way to the corners of her mouth, insinuating themselves into her mouth.

She tasted her own salty tears.

Yet, strangely, while she saw what she saw, while she heard the crude invitation from the woman's lips, while Chakotay in deep concentration couldn't see her, while he looked at her with glazed eyes and recognition came only belatedly, she wanted to reject them.

It didn't happen.

It couldn't happen, not to her.

She had never, in her wildest imagination, considered ever seeing the tormenting tableau.

It accused her.

It paraded itself all over her heart.

Then she heard a voice.

"Kathryn! Kathryn!"

She paused in her tracks and swung round. In the darkness she peered at someone - Chakotay - running towards her.

"Kathryn!" he shouted again.

When he stood a few metres away from her, she noticed idly he was wearing a pair of boxers. No top, no shoes. He must have just jumped from the bed.

She looked into his eyes. Chakotay stood there. For long moments they looked at one another. Kathryn's mind, ravaged by what she had seen, couldn't find a single connection, a point at which she could look on the events with a rational air. He lips trembled, her hands trembled, her body trembled. She was unaware of the tears that still coursed in an unabated flow down her cheeks.

Chakotay tried to move forward. It seemed as if the words were stuck in his throat. She noticed absently how his Adam's apple moved in jerky movements…

"Kathryn, for the love of God, let me - " He came closer. Her hands were loosely at her side, and as Chakotay took another step forward, she felt for her phaser. In an instant she drew it and pointed it to him. For a few seconds Captain Janeway emerged from the shattered woman - strong, forceful, uncompromising.

"Back off, Commander," she said quietly.

Chakotay stood rooted. Kathryn closed her eyes for a second. Chakotay looked exactly as he always looked after sex. If she stood any closer to him, she could smell the aftermath of sex, the stench of stale wine. She realised with blinding insight that Chakotay and that woman must have been at it for hours… In an instant the resolve overtook her again.

"Back off…"

Then Kathryn turned calmly and walked the few metres to the shuttle. The hatch slid open. It was a soft swish while Kathryn's heart and mind screamed for release inside her.

"Kathryn…please…" she heard Chakotay's voice.

Kathryn never looked back. She initiated the start-up sequence. The planet grew smaller as the Excalibur lifted off, and sped away as silently as it had entered the orbit of Dorvan V.

Inside the shuttle Kathryn battled in vain to stop the shudders that wracked her slender frame. She entered the coordinates of the Crimond and set the controls on autopilot. She stood in the middle of the floor, uncertain of her next movement or her actions of the next hours. The rising nausea of earlier, temporarily delayed by the shock, returned with full force. Kathryn clutched at her chest, at her stomach, felt the nausea overcome her. Then she tried to cover her mouth with fingers that trembled violently.

She sank to the floor and bent over, giving in to the harsh heaving.

But her commands were dross, little bits and pieces of dry grass that blew away her resolve to control herself. She retched violently, feeling how her muscles tensed so painfully that for a moment the pain of it superseded the pain of the retching. She had not eaten much the whole day, her last recollection of eating anything had been the toast she had the morning. That had been eight hours ago… Her stomach, already empty, expelled all fluid until finally, the fluid turned to tiny blotches of blood.

That rocked her up.

Clutching her stomach with both hands, she realised belatedly that she never told Chakotay about their baby, about Hannah whom he wanted and who was going to make her first appearance at Christmas.

Then only Kathryn screamed into the silence of the shuttle. It bulkheads vibrated, but it was her own violent shuddering that distorted her perspective. Kathryn screamed and screamed and screamed.

Only, the quiet bulkheads remained mute, silent witnesses to her pain.

Kathryn stumbled to the bunk and fell down on it.

She lay on her back, saw again the woman thrusting up and down on Chakotay. She saw again Chakotay's big hands gripping the woman's hips and encouraging her to be more aggressive, more coarse. She heard again:

The tears came.

They were deep wracking sobs that couldn't stop.

She pictured Chakotay's face as she pointed her phaser at him. The glazed look had been replaced by shock. But he still smelled of sex, still reeked of wine.

"Oh, Lord, let it stop, please," she cried brokenly. "Let it stop…"

The tears streamed unabated.

The nausea overtook her again.

She sat up on the bunk and doubled over as another retching spell shook her.

"Oh, Chakotay, what have you done? Why?" she cried brokenly as the nausea subsided eventually.

Kathryn looked around her, saw the signs of her trauma. Slowly she rose, opened a little cabinet just above the bunk. When she had the box opened, she took a cloth and somehow, stumbled to the replicator to get water. She spent the next few minutes cleaning up. When she was finished, she dumped the cloths in the recycler, then got some more water to splash her tear ravaged face. Her hands still trembled as she worked. Her legs were stiff, cramped when she sagged on the bunk again.

She closed her eyes, tried to block out the images - vile, dirty, coarse, obscene words, Chakotay's face, still flushed from sex.

They kept coming in never-ending tormenting stabs, forcing her to note them, demanding that they lay claim on her memory. She shifted on the bunk, tried to find a position that relieved the stiffness of her body; meanwhile Chakotay's face flashed before her, blinding flashes, an image of him standing before her, the guilt of his transgression submerged by the heat on his face, the smell of sex. She saw Chakotay as she had seen him that first time, an eternity ago.

They kept coming, images of past events, memories sweet that stood in crying contrast to what she had seen.

"Then be prepared, Kathryn..."

Kathryn cried out in pain. Chakotay's beloved face receded from her, and in its place the one she had seen when? An hour ago? Minutes ago? When?

She remembered lying in his arms on the same bed. She remembered his vow…

"I certainly did, Chakotay. I certainly did," she whispered, then quietly cried again until she fell into a restless slumber that was punctuated by dreams. Dreams in which Chakotay swore his undying love; dreams in which he told her with so much confidence of the daughter they were going to name Hannah. She saw him in dreams where he walked with difficulty after his accident. She saw him massage his mother's neck muscles. She saw him in dreams where he smiled and said how proud he was of her, how honoured he felt to be by her side forever.

It was hours later that she woke up. Still dazed from sleep and still tired, she took a little case and took a brush from it. She brushed her hair, applied some light lipstick. She watched idly as her hands still trembled. When she looked into a small mirror of her case, she cried out in shock.

She looked clearly distressed, her eyes puffy, her cheeks hollow, her face ravaged although she had just dabbed it with a soft cloth.

It was strange, when thoughts of Chakotay overpowered her again, that he didn't follow her…

She wanted to cry again, but held back the tears. In an hour, she realised, she would be within visual range of the Crimond.

USS Crimond. Her ship. Crew complement of 400.

They couldn't see her like this. That thought struck her as she realised that in the morning she would be on duty again, even though the Crimond would be on its way to Earth. She would be Captain Kathryn Janeway again, whose husband was engaged in talks about the future of Dorvan V.

And so Kathryn Janeway, wife of Commander Chakotay, resolved that her crew never see her in her present condition. It was too much to bear.

"Oh, God! I'm carrying Chakotay's child…"

She fought back the tears, rigidly forced herself to become calm.

She opened a hail and the face of Commander Eamon Daley was a welcome sight in the storm of her trauma.

"Welcome back, Captain. You'll be docking in 30 minutes. Lieutenant-Commander Rollins will be on hand to receive you - "

"Thank you, Commander. I'm glad to be back."

Kathryn closed communication quickly, afraid she break down again. She hoped that she gave the impression of calm efficiency. She thought it was good that Daley didn't ask about bringing Chakotay back with her. Good thing that he didn't ask about whether Chakotay was happy about the baby.

She realised again that she hadn't told Chakotay of her baby. She had been too distraught, had forgotten what she had been there for in the first place. Chakotay had done what she never in ten thousand years thought he would. In the most ugly manner of sex, he betrayed his wife. It was difficult to imagine right now a husband who could be sorry for what he had done.

Her fingers flew briskly over the panels at the conn. When the Crimond came into full view, Kathryn wanted to burst into tears. The docking port was open, brightly lit as she guided the shuttle into the docking bay. Kathryn breathed a deep sigh as she opened the hatch and alighted from the shuttle.

At the other end of the shuttle bay stood Lieutenant-Commander Magnus Rollins. It could not be avoided. It was his job. She had to walk in his direction and pass through the doors into the long corridor of deck twelve. She had to face him, as she had to face her other senior officers, as she had to face every crewmember she passed in the corridors. She rebuked herself.

Kathryn, now is the time. Act like you have never done before. You can do it. Fool them. Your heart has cried all heaven's tears; it's now a dead organ serving only your living and your breathing. Don't let them see you down. Don't…don't…

When she approached Magnus Rollins, she paused to exchange a few words with him. The torrents tossed her about in the inside, but outside, she had to show them everything was fine.

Everything was fine.

"Captain!" he said jovially, "it's good to have you back."

"Thank you, Magnus." She wanted to walk past him, escape quickly through the shuttle bay doors. Then she heard Magnus's voice again and she turned to look at him.

"Captain, I thought Commander Chakotay would be returning with you."

"Well, he's not here, is he?" she asked, aware that the censorious tone alerted him anyway, because he frowned deeply.

"Did anything go wrong with the talks, Captain. If I may be bold, Captain. You look very pale. Very pale indeed."

"The talks are going ahead as we speak, Commander."

"I…understand, Captain."

"Thank you. That will be all, Magnus."

"Aye, Captain."

Kathryn nodded and sped to her quarters. She had to be on duty in the morning. But at this moment, all she wanted to do was crawl into a hole and never come out. All she wanted to do, was try and forget heaving, sweating, rutting bodies, coarse words; the look of guilt on Chakotay's face.

All she wanted to do, was die quietly.

Die quietly…

Die…

quietly…

****

Dear reader,

If you ask: "Why did the writer do this to Kathryn and Chakotay"? then my answer will be: "I needed to test the marriage", to put the marriage under fire and see what strengths and weaknesses will be revealed by both characters in their road back.

No doubt it has come as a shock to you, though I reckon there must have been a reader or two who thought that just possibly this could happen between the two characters. Not just any two characters, but Kathryn Janeway and her husband Chakotay.

I asked in my preamble [on the index page) that you trust the writer. I need to take Kathryn and Chakotay on a journey to hell (I suppose, if you could put it that way), but their journey back to each other (where the two eagles will be joined again) is what the rest of this story will be about. It is not a smooth journey. Many things will happen to them still. Think of what you know about canon, then there must still be a Voyager, right? There will still be Maquis, a B'Elanna, Tom Paris, the stand-off in the Badlands between the Liberty and Gul Evek's vessel, right? Though that scene will come with some major departures. They're all there. Kathryn and Chakotay (our beloved J/C) will be there.

I want to tell you that I know what I am doing, and by the end of the story, I will give you back your Janeway/Chakotay, fired in the crucible of their experiences.

I have interviewed a number of women - colleagues, friends, family members - for this part of the project, and believe me, the responses were varied!

Now, about the characters:

c) Try and determine Kathryn's thought processes once she is over the initial

shock of her traumatic discovery.

Thank you, sincerely

vanhunks