The USS Ormskirk was on its way to Earth. Commander Chakotay, summoned to sick bay by his doctor and closest friend, hurried to the medical bay to see Doctor Karkoff. He had been in limbo the past two days. The first day he requested some off duty and kept to his quarters, wallowing in the darkness. Roger Petranoff had given him a worried look before granting Chakotay's request, after which the first officer secluded himself. That night Sergei had barged in and cornered him in his office just off his quarters.

"What are you doing here?" he asked Chakotay. "You're two days early. You were supposed to be on Dorvan V advising your people - " Sergei looked like he had been running from sick bay. He appeared flushed, his freckles looking extra deep and his copper hair mussed.

"I know what I was supposed to do, Sergei," Chakotay snapped.

"Hey, you don't have to snap at me. I'm your friend."

"All the more reason to do so," came the retort.

"What's wrong, Chakotay?" Sergei's voice had softened, there was a concerned edge to it.

Chakotay looked at him with fierce, heated eyes. He hadn't shaved in two days and it showed. He hadn't felt like doing anything. The talks had collapsed, and even now, walking to sick bay, he wasn't certain whether his presence at the Conference would have helped anyway. His father had sent him a message via subspace and Chakotay had accepted the outcome with mild dismay, though not with surprise. His people were fanatical about remaining on Dorvan V. Still, Evek and that female Sedeka succeeded in getting him off Dorvan V. But it was Kathryn's eyes that haunted him, that refused to leave him. No matter how he turned in his half sleep state, or when awake, her eyes were there: filled with pain. He could not forget that look, the indescribable pain in her eyes.

Sergei sensed something was wrong; something of cataclysmic proportions.

"What's happened, comrade?" Sergei asked again.

"Everything!" It burst from Chakotay, a deep tearing cry that came from his heart. "Everything!"

He wanted to scream his own pain, wanted to punish himself with relentless intensity, so that the only thing he could feel, was pain…pain…pain…

"Chakotay...comrade, sit down. You're unsettled - "

"Unsettled doesn't begin to explain, Sergei. Oh, dear God!" he wailed again.

"Tell me, my friend." Sergei dreaded what Chakotay was going to tell him. Dreaded it. It was in the feared, expectant look in his eyes.

"I - - I..."

"Something to do with Kathryn, Chakotay?"

Something in him caved. He fell back in his chair and wiped his brow with a furious swipe. When he nodded, Sergei remained quiet for a few seconds. Chakotay could hear his friend's soft sigh.

"Tell me…"

"I slept with another woman," he said bluntly and before Sergei could recover from his shock, Chakotay added, "and Kathryn…Kathryn - she - she arrived on Dorvan V, at out house - our house…" Chakotay stammered as he spoke. "Kathryn - she saw Sedeka and me…fucking our lives away…"

He had no more tears, just a hollow feeling inside him. He registered absently that Sergei had gone quiet. Somewhere in his quarters he heard a scraping of a chair and then Sergei was seated opposite him, touching his shoulder in much the same way Kolopak did.

"And Kathryn…she took off like an injured doe…" Sergei said with intuition.

"Yes…"

"You're guilty, Chakotay?" Sergei asked.

Chakotay wondered why Sergei had inflected his voice quite in that way. A statement and a question rolled into one.

"I am…I'm not feeling too good, Sergei. I'm sick, sick to my stomach. Kathryn - you don't know how hurt she looked. She looked…lost, like I've beaten her senseless, Sergei. And I - I put the look there, and I don't know if it will ever go away. I hurt her Sergei, I hurt her something terrible… I hurt something terrible…"

He had started to shiver violently, and waves of nausea overcame him again. He hadn't heard Sergei giving any commands when he started wheezing, his chest burning and his stomach beginning to heave, but the next instant, both of them were in sick bay and he was lying on a biobed. Minutes later, after Sergei had treated him, the nausea was gone, and although he still shivered slightly, it didn't make him feel any better. He had been seriously distressed then. Sergei had waited patiently for him, and when he was ready, in quiet, desperate tones related to his best friend the rest of the story.

"Now, I don't blame her if she never speaks with me again," he said forlornly as he sat up on the biobed. Sergei had just stared at him for long, penetrating moments. Then, when he spoke finally, Chakotay could have died at the concern and compassion in his best friend's voice.

"You know, Chak, I'm going to say something that may sound like I'm sticking up for you. A lot of guys probably would have trivialised such a thing by suggesting to their partners it wasn't all that bad. You're feeling seriously out of it, comrade, and that more than speaks for your cause - "

"I have a cause? Sergei, I had sex with a Cardassian woman and my wife stumbles in on the act. I have a cause?"

Chakotay smiled grimly as the turbolift doors opened on the floor of the medical bay. He had been too distraught two days ago, but he had been glad Sergei took no for an answer when he came to his cabin and demanded to see him two days ago. Sergei had given him hope.

"Everything you've related to me, my brother, is so contrary to your nature I'm surprised you haven't seen it yourself. Then again, you were not in a state to think rationally, and neither was Kathryn. I don't think she can see things clearly even at this time."

"Yeah, right. What she clearly sees, is me with - "

"Stop it, Chak. You're punishing yourself too harshly."

"And why shouldn't I? You didn't see Kathryn's face, Sergei," he had pleaded urgently. "You didn't!"

"Hey, calm down, will you?"

Chakotay had taken a few deep breaths, trying to calm down again and when he looked at Sergei, there was hope in the doctor's eyes.

"What is it?"

"Did you take anything from what you had eaten or drank that day?"

Chakotay stared at him open-mouthed, then he clamped shut again. He hadn't thought about it. In fact, he had forgotten. Then he stalked purposefully out of sick bay without replying and several minutes later returned to a still waiting and surprised Sergei.

"I don't hold out much hope, Doc," he had said, "because whatever the result, it doesn't change anything, okay?"

Sergei had taken the phials and samples.

"Give me two days, Chak."

Chakotay had given him a severe nod, then quietly left sick bay again. In his quarters he sat morosely staring unseeingly at the viewport, the only image on his brain, Kathryn's face. Kathryn had been so distressed that she was ready to shoot him. She had pointed her phaser at him. If she had killed him then, it would have been more merciful.

******

Dr Sergei Karkoff waited impatiently for Chakotay to enter sickbay. He had been analysing and collecting data for the past 36 hours. He gave a sigh. It had taken some work and then more to get to the bottom of everything. When Chakotay had shared his woes with him, he had been shocked at first, and terribly sympathetic to Kathryn's pain. Kathryn must have been traumatised out of her wits, he realised, as Chakotay recounted to story to him.

It was shocking. That was still mostly the only reaction anyone who knew Kathryn and Chakotay, could have had. The two were so deeply attached that it humbled most of those who knew the couple well. Even he had looked at his own wife, Svetlana, with new eyes and fell in love with her all over again. Kathryn and Chakotay had taught most of them never to be complacent about a good relationship. Both of them had walked a long road of loneliness before their paths crossed. What once were lonely strangers, were now two people who made a deep and abiding commitment to one another, shrugging off their old fears of being hurt, triumphantly embracing the freedom to love again in the face of those same possibilities that always lurked round the corner.

Sergei closed his eyes momentarily. If Svetlana… He felt Chakotay's pain almost as deeply as Chakotay felt it himself. The man had been dealt a raw deal, and what happened had drawn an innocent Kathryn in in a manner that she didn't deserve.

Kathryn was too refined, too cultured and too principled, with a depth in her that shunned obscenities, shied away from the crudities that individuals like Sub-commander Sedeka and Caroline Meissen indulged in. When he thought about it, those two women had something in common. They had little regard for the next person's sensibilities; they thought nothing of destroying an innocent person. He wondered idly whether Chakotay hadn't himself though how alike Sedeka the Cardassian and Caroline The Viper were. Caroline Meissen manipulated, fooled around, used men to feed her appetite, and so did Sub-commander Sedeka. The latter though, did it with a far more chilling agenda, and that was to destroy her victim.

Now Sergei waited for Chakotay to get to sick bay. Two days ago Chakotay had given him the samples of everything he had taken while he and Sedeka had been together. He had to give Chakotay his due. His rigid Starfleet training had made him look deeper than the surface after the act, acting with the instinct sharpened by his training. He did not destroy the evidence, although it had been a weakness that Chakotay had been unable to see right through Sedeka. Sergei supposed the Cardassian had camouflaged her agenda with beauty, kind smiles, interested looks and friendliness. Most people were adept at putting up such a show when underneath that veneer lurked a disturbingly devious character. Caroline had been the same and while all of Chakotay's friends could see the cracks in Caroline's veneer, Chakotay had been blinded. He couldn't blame his friend. Chakotay had been in love with Caroline, though obviously, the same couldn't be said for Sedeka. She had masterminded a seduction that… Sergei shook his head. He didn't want to think of the godawful ramifications for both Chakotay and Kathryn.

Kathryn was expecting their baby. He didn't think that Chakotay knew, though Svetlana had told him, Sergei, and Dalene had told Svetlana. It was something Kathryn had to tell Chakotay herself, or was on the point of doing so, unless…

The news he had to give Chakotay. He wondered how his friend was going to take it… Chakotay was like a brother to him, and right now, there was a dark cloud over Chakotay's head. The past couple of days that was how Chakotay looked. Dark, brooding, unhappy. He had apparently contacted Kathryn the minute he boarded the Ormskirk and Sergei surmised that Kathryn had not been in a mood to talk, let alone forgive her husband a transgression that was a old as time itself. Chakotay was the proverbial faithful partner. It was ingrained in him. That much was clear when they started out at the Academy, and Chakotay didn't have a cheating bone in his body.

His friend's instinct was right.

Something didn't add up. Maybe a lot of things didn't add up. Sergei shook his head. Then again, the results of his analysis made sense, and in the chaos there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. But the evidence was alarming as he studied the results one last time.

The door of sickbay opened and Chakotay entered, looking around furtively. His friend didn't want an audience. That much was clear and Sergei could understand that. It was a sensitive matter, involving two friends very dear to him. Kathryn was Irina's godmother and she doted on Irina whenever she was back on Earth.

"Well, Doc, have you found anything?" Chakotay asked, his voice sounding clearly sceptical. "I don't think it would mean much, you know. I did what I did and drew my wife into this chaos and made her unhappy…"

"Shut up, Chak, and listen to me carefully," Sergei retorted, almost angered by the way Chakotay spoke so off-hand and bitter about his experience. "This is your future you're talking about - "

"One I screwed up."

"Jeez, help me out here, Chak. You want to put yourself down forever, then get out of this sick bay."

Chakotay's hands went up as if to defend himself. He didn't smile, but did relent a little.

"Okay, Sergei, what have you got?"

"You're ready for this, Chakotay?"

"Yes."

Sergei nodded and he started to point to the data on the screen.

"Chakotay, what do you know of Valerian?"

"Valerian?"

"Yes."

Chakotay, standing hands on his hips, frowned.

"It's - it’s a herb, used for medicinal purposes. It grew on Earth, Northern Hemisphere up to the 21st century, if I'm not mistaken."

"Good. You know your botany."

"What about it?"

"Did you know that two hundred years ago, when the ancestors of your tribe settled on Dorvan V, they introduced this plant there as an alien plant which now forms part of the planet's natural vegetation?"

Chakotay shook his head, the frown deepening.

"It's not only used as an elixir for nausea and all sorts of other ailments, Chakotay."

"What are you saying, Sergei? That it has some hidden properties?"

"If you know what to look for, and how to use it in combination with other herbs…"

"I don't understand - "

"You will. Valerian root contains some essential oils and about 2% valepotriates per 10mg. The level of isovaltrates has the ability to create a hallucinogenic effect."

"Wait a minute, Sergei. Valerian has a foul taste, very sour to bitter."

"Precisely. Enter soma. You know of soma? The Aldus Huxley hallucinogenic popularised by a simple little novel called Brave New World?"

Chakotay shook his head and Sergei wondered at what point Chakotay was going to get it He wanted to knock his friend's head against something, or box the snot out of him.

"The ephedrine essence of the intermedia species - "

"Another hallucinogen?"

"No, but it induces some drowsiness, used for the treatment of old Earth conditions as hay fever and asthma - "

Chakotay's whole body was primed for something that wanted to uncoil into a fit of rage, or a hellish scream.

"Is this another plant introduced to Dorvan V?" Chakotay asked.

"Not to my knowledge. It's an indigenous plant that has no leaves. Thrives in desert conditions - "

"A succulent?"

"Also perfectly balanced to eradicate the foul taste of valerian. You wouldn't know what hit you, Chak, with this."

Chakotay paled, and his eyes became heated - heated and angry. Sergei shrank from the look in his friend's face.

"There's more, I suppose?"

"The coup de grace. And this little plant is the one doing all the work. No smell, no taste, no aftertaste, no lingering smell, nothing. It's as clear as a shiny raindrop. It took me too many hours to search the database to find the match for this one. It's actually very rare on Dorvan V, but it's also an alien plant introduced to your home world by the first colonists. It's all but extinct on Earth, and thrives only in the most hardy conditions. I've even got a picture for you."

Sergei flicked a few frames and they looked at a plant Chakotay had never seen. Small yellow flower, with one decumbent leaf, its points curled upwards, towards the sun. It was not a strange plant, Sergei thought; he had seen many strange prehensile plants in his life, and many other strange shrubs, but the one he showed Chakotay was the one he was looking for. Chakotay stared for long moments at the plant, his interest piqued.

"What is it?"

"Datura. All parts of this plant - flower, leaf, root - contain a highly effective narcotic. All parts are used. In the right combinations, the hyoscyamine, scopolamine and atropine - "

"Atropine?"

"Yes. It causes fever, chills, affects motor coordination, hallucination, failure to recall events of the narcosis - "

Chakotay paled visibly, and let out a curse.

"My God! What is Sedeka?"

"A brilliant scientist, my friend. She used Dorvan V's own vegetation to prepare the most lethal hallucinogenic compound I've ever seen in my life."

"Christ, Sergei…"

"You can stop those profanities, comrade."

"Sorry. Sedeka really did a number on me…"

"She certainly did. These three plants - or rather, certain agents of the three, used in a delicate balance so that it left no trace elements in the drink or food that you ingested. A brilliant cocktail to use as a weapon. You would not have tasted or smelled anything strange, Chakotay. In fact, I prepared the same compound, and it smells a lot like your favourite cider…"

"I don't believe it."

"So, you refused the Cardassian brandy - highly potent intoxicant - because if you had to suspect Sedeka of foul play beforehand, you'd refuse the brandy and accept the milder, innocuous looking and tasting and smelling table wine Sedeka offered you."

"It was not in the brandy?"

"But it was in one of the dishes Sedeka prepared. You ingested some of that too, Chakotay. I found trace elements in your urine sample you gave me. That was a stroke of instinct, Chak, that you did think to bring samples of everything on board to be tested under lab conditions."

"I almost killed Sedeka, Sergei."

"You should have, Chakotay. But you wouldn't have. Still, Sedeka alive is a great danger, a great danger to you, Chakotay. I'd advise you to steer clear of the likes of her."

"So what effect did the hallucinogens have?" Chakotay asked, looking more miserable as more of the facts came to light.

That was when Sergei sighed deeply. He rose stiffly from his chair and walked into the sick bay area. He indicated that Chakotay sit down on the biobed.

"I'm going to ask you a few personal questions, Chak, if you don't mind."

Chakotay nodded, his hands at his sides, gripping the edge of the bed. Sergei could see the nervous twitching in Chakotay's jaw, and they way his knuckles showed white as he gripped on the edge.

"Go ahead, Sergei," Chakotay whispered. Sergei's heart burned. He felt sorry for Chakotay. His hand touched Chakotay's knee in a consoling gesture.

"Did you feel strange or different after you drank the Cardassian cider? Think carefully and try to remember the first drink."

It looked Chakotay struggled as he rubbed his brow in a tired gesture.

"I felt light-headed. I thought it unusual to feel like that, but thought it was because - because - " Chakotay rubbed his temples again. "I hadn't taken any wine for more than a month before that. In fact, the last time was - was - "

"When, Chak?"

"I spent a few days with Kathryn on board the Crimond. She was on leave for a few days and we had some wine, champagne, table wine mostly."

"So on Dorvan, it would account for the light-headedness?"

"Yes."

"No, Chakotay. That drink was the first injection, so to speak. The first draught was a sedative. I've established that a certain amount would render the hallucinogen; a small quantity like one gulp, would make you relax. Not like brandy or other banned ales. This is way different."

"Why do you say that?"

"On datura alone, it works with the power of suggestion. All Sedeka had to do was tell you how beautiful Kathryn was. You would see images of Kathryn while looking at Sedeka. Pretty much as if Sedeka was Kathryn herself."

"I - oh, my God…"

"You thought at times she was Kathryn - "

"Speaking with Kathryn's voice, moving with her body, the - the hair - "

"And so it altered the conscious and diminished the conscience, Chakotay. I'm sorry, my friend. You couldn't have known what hit you. You didn't think you were doing something wrong because - "

"I was doing it with Kathryn…"

"Yes. There's more. Your drinks and the one dish that you ate of, also created the effect of persistent vision - "

"Even though it was Sedeka, I kept seeing Kathryn's face…"

"Yes. Remember, you said when Kathryn ran to the launching pads and you followed her, that the image of Kathryn's face wouldn't leave you, right?"

"I thought I was too upset."

"More than that. The drug's effects in reverse. When you saw the real Kathryn, it triggered your conscious. You "woke up" literally.

"And after she left in her shuttle, I kept seeing her face, Sergei. It kept coming, even now…"

"The persistent vision is the lasting effect, Chakotay. I'm sorry. It will be weeks before that clears out of your system completely - "

"And I'm left with seeing an image of my distraught wife in every waking moment, Sergei. Hell, you don't know how it is. I'm walking down a corridor and I see her face. On the bridge… It's like being reminded on an hourly basis of my transgression, like seeing the crime through Kathryn's eyes…"

Sergei watched as Chakotay choked up, unable to prevent his eyes from reddening and filling with a sheen of tears.

"I keep seeing her face, the hurt…"

"I understand, my friend. Now, you need a motive for all of this, Chakotay. Sedeka was very, very devious. She knew what she was doing. You were a target long before you arrived on Dorvan V…"

Sergei watched the continued dismay on his friend's face as the information sank in.

"I should have been at the talks. I might have been able to sway some opinions. My - my people were adamant to remain there. It only needed a shift in the DMZ, Sergei. I might have been able to succeed."

"But the Cardassians need something from Dorvan V, right?"

"A halfway post, for provisions and stockpiling armaments, I suspected… It was an elaborate way to manipulate me off Dorvan V."

"I guess so. And if Kathryn hadn't happened there at that moment, Sedeka would have kept you chained to your own bed; she would have planted suggestions in your hallucinogenic state that you weren't interested in the talks, anything, anything, comrade. She could make you do anything she wanted you to…."

Chakotay sat hunched for the next few minutes, his shoulders shaking. When he looked at Sergei again, he shook his head.

"She used me. I was putty in her hands. I fell for it, Sergei. What was I thinking?"

"You're innocent, Chakotay."

"Innocent? My wife was made a victim!"

"You'll have to tell her…"

Sergei almost wished he hadn't said it. Chakotay slid off the biobed and grabbed his arm in a vice grip.

"How can I do that? She'll never believe me, Sergei. She's made up her mind. Anything, anything at all that I might tell her that is the truth will lose its plausibility because I still can't get past the damned image of Sedeka and me doing things that - that she saw. Kathryn - " Chakotay paused and drew in a large gulp of air. "Kathryn could never trust me again, Sergei."

"She might listen - "

"No, Sergei. Faith, trust… they are the foundations of our union, Sergei. You know the deal. I didn't come to Kathryn easily, nor did Kathryn entrust her life to me just like that. We had both been wary to trust again. Now when we've done that, what happened? I pulled the foundations from under us, Sergei. There is nothing left, understand? Nothing! I love Kathryn Janeway, I will die for her. But, Sergei, I can't look her in the eyes and bear to see the suspicion there, to see her lose faith…"

"Don't you think she at least deserves to know what happened to you?"

"And the next time I leave on a mission, Kathryn will wonder in whose arms she'll catch me the next time?"

Sergei shook his head. Chakotay was heading for disaster, and he seemed powerless to prevent the careening into hell.

"Don't you think you underestimate Kathryn, Chak? She is a scientist. She will analyse the information in the same way I did - "

"The woman in her will respond. She'll think me stupid to have been manipulated by a clever Cardassian. I have a history of being used, right? What will Kathryn think?"

"She'll forgive you - "

"When? When the moon turns to blood?"

"Dammit, Chakotay! Speak to her. Ask her what she was doing on Dorvan V when any information to you could have been relayed via subspace…"

That rocked Chakotay up for a few agonising seconds.

"I - I never thought about it. The whole business had been so traumatic… I - "

"You need to speak to her…"

When the sick bay doors opened, the Chief nurse entered, with two crew members. The sick bay was filling up. Sergei sighed. He was hitting a wall with Chakotay. He had done what he had to do, given Chakotay all the evidence of his innocence. But Chakotay was a proud man. A very private and proud man. It was not easy for him to admit to being manipulated by a beautiful and clever woman.

"Promise me, Sergei, you will never tell Kathryn of this…"

"It will save your life, comrade."

"Promise me! I can't go to her with this, Sergei. It's like asking her to believe what she saw didn't happen."

"Because you were a pawn in a political game, Chakotay - "

"Think, Sergei! Picture me saying: Kathryn, that business with the Cardassian. It's not what you saw… How lame do think that could be as an excuse?"

"She will - "

"And then, here's the classic: Kathryn, you know, with Sedeka, I made a mistake. It won't happen again. Will you forgive me?" Do you have any idea how that sounds? I have no grounds, Sergei, none at all, because no matter how sorry I am, it won't eradicate a damned image."

"I genuinely think you should tell her - "

"Promise, Sergei."

Sergei shook his head, aware that the two crewmembers and nurse were watching them as they moved about, cocking their ears. He sighed. The conversation was over. Chakotay was not going to tell Kathryn. He couldn't tell Kathryn.

Somehow, he sensed the recipe for a failed relationship sat in Chakotay's inability to believe in his wife.

****

Kathryn stood facing him in the lounge of their home. Chakotay, when he entered, had not been surprised to see her packed bags stacked neatly on the floor next to her. Her arms were at her sides, like she was standing on the bridge of the Crimond, issuing orders.

He knew it was over the minute he entered the apartment and saw her face. If anything, it was even more distraught than that night when he woke from his drug induced state and saw her terrible pain. In her left hand she held a PADD, and for a moment he thought it was going to slip from her fingers, so loosely did she hold it.

Before he could even ask why she had come to Dorvan V to see him, the intention was ripped from him by her stance. Even as she looked at her most beautiful, even as he remembered nights of passion with her when he had laced his fingers in her incredible hair, nights when she slept dreamlessly in his arms, even as he remembered burning kisses, he knew that Kathryn had closed herself off from him.

So the question, along with the intense urge to go on his knees and beg her forgiveness, - for he couldn't find any rest - was lost in the way she stood before him. Resolute. Her face was devoid of colour; her eyes dark and sunken and haunted; her lips trembled, yet she remained resolute. Then when he looked at her hands again he saw how her fingers also trembled. She held the PADD to him.

"Here, Chakotay," she said tremulously. "You have to watch this…"

He remained speechless. Somehow, the tone of her voice, the desolation of her words sent him a warning: a portent that in the next few minutes, his world would come to an end, and that the partnership of Kathryn and Chakotay which prided itself on its strength and incorruptibility and the power of its love would be no more. The foundations had eroded.

The thought registered with fierce clarity: who would have thought?

He could offer no hello, no greeting, no enquiring after a good journey, no excuses, no apology, no appeal for absolution.

Nothing.

He took the PADD from her, hardly noticing how their fingers touched and the late spring of an electric charge fizzled the moment he had the PADD in his hand and the memory of the touch was no more. He flicked it on.

Her voice sounded thin, cold, hollow…

"You had been filmed, did you know that?"

He had never seen the little holo-imager with the flickering red light responsible for these despicable pictures. Never noticed anything except - except copulating with Sedeka in crude, bestial ways.

Every picture scrolled relentlessly. Obscene anal sex, oral sex, any kind of sex. The pictures were there. Punishing, taunting, devastatingly real; Sedeka smiling maliciously, sitting on top of him, Sedeka looking like she orgasmed straight into the imager with him lodged against her ass. His face, contorted with extreme… shocking crudity. Other pictures… His penis firmly in Sedeka's mouth…his hand in her hair, looking like he was forcing her closer…

It was unbelievable.

He remembered Sergei's words: "Sedeka alive is more dangerous than Sedeka dead…"

Shock kept him rooted to the spot. He was shivering violently. When he looked at Kathryn, the shame crashed on him in never-ending torrents of torment.

"She sent it to me on the Crimond. I should thank her. It was not a ship-wide communication, Chakotay…"

When at last he could open his mouth, her name tore painfully from deep inside him.

"Oh, Kathryn…"

"It's all so…real, isn't it?"

The intention he had of defying his own edict of not telling Kathryn of his innocence, fell away from him. The last defence was no more as Kathryn collected her luggage. He had hardly noticed the beep at the front door.

"Good-bye, Chakotay…"

"I have nothing to give you, Kathryn. Whatever kindness you have left in you, please, let me know what you're going to do…"

Kathryn paused, a fraction in which she seemed to weigh his words. She gave a tired, resigned sigh, her eyes again like that of an injured doe.

"Maybe one day, Chakotay," she said softly, "maybe one day, I can forgive you…"

Then Kathryn left his house, as stealthily as she had come into it when he waited for her at the transporter platforms and she didn't come, she left.

There was a silence that sifted into the house, pervading the air, making the late afternoon thick with the dread of loneliness.

"Kathryn…?"

She was gone.

Chakotay stared in numb shock at the door for endless minutes, and when he could move again, his eyes fixed on the mantelpiece.

Twin Eagles was gone.

It lay on the floor, the sections where the wings joined, broken. The eagles, separated, screamed at him in agonised accusation.

He remembered their conversation, the words thrusting like sharp needles into his brain:

He wanted to die.

Die quietly.

Die

quietly.

*****

END CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

EMAIL

J/C FANFIC

1. Many times writers have a hard time naming vessels, or giving characters original names. I named Chakotay's vessel, the USS Ormskirk, after a street name in my area. It was Kathryn's vessel, the USS Crimond, however, that was the real inspiration. I was listening to some Mozart [Ave verum corpus], and on the same CD appeared two short oratorios, and one of the segments was called "crimond". The name is quite common, given to schools, churches, a WWII airfield, a ship that sunk. But it was this reference that had intrigued me most today: Psalm 23 as written in verse by George Herbert, was put to music, and the most popular tune for "The Lord's my Shepherd" is the CRIMOND composed by Jessie Irvine.

2. I named one of the cadets in an earlier chapter participating with Chakotay in the Epileng Cross Manoeuvre, for Kipchoge Keino of Kenya. He was one of the greatest athletes of his day, had his glory years in the sixties. When I research Native American names [internet], I was looking for a name I could give Chakotay's little niece. I stumbled on Winonah... [She will feature in book three].

3. The research for plants was relatively easy.

3.1 Max Wichtl - Herbal drugs and Phytopharmaceuticals.

3.2 William Emboden - Narcotic plants

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