CHAPTER THIRTY SIX
Early spring didn't come with its normal buoyancy of new blooms, chirping birds in the early morning and a sky that ought to have looked bluer than the pallid version of azure that Omar Khayyám spoke of in his opening rubáiyát. There, morning had been a deep blue that wrenched the immortal words from him and inspired the great poets to lyrical expressions. Indiana was still shaking off its winter shackles that had clung tenaciously to its trees, the eaves of the farmhouse and outbuildings; it had frozen up the small stream which now was slowly thawing. Ceara was the only living creature which bounded through thick snow, chasing birds and the odd, headstrong squirrel loathe to hibernate .
Indiana looked beautiful at any time, came Kathryn's thought as she sat in the swing seat lazily rocking. The girls - Hannah had taken her first steps on Christmas day - were playing not far from her. Ceara was all over them with her rich red coat shiny, wagging her tail excitedly and generally making a nuisance of herself. Hannah would cry out, "No!" when Ceara kicked up too much sand, waving pudgy hands at the dog.
Kathryn smiled indulgently as she looked at how protective Winonah was with the toddler. Hannah's steps were a little stronger now; all of them had been stunned when Hannah cried "Winonah" two days ago, graduating with alarming ease from the "Nonah" she could mouth when Winonah was first introduced to her. The girls looked alike, except for their eyes, and if Kathryn had told anyone that Winonah was her daughter, it would not have been viewed with any disbelief. In fact, Winonah was her daughter now, hers and Chakotay's, duly registered with the authorities concerned. Her appearance in San Francisco had created a minor sensation, and Gretchen, Adam Ponsonby and Phoebe had quickly seen to it that Winonah made the adjustment to her new surroundings with as little intrusion from well-meaning, though friendly, enquiries about the only survivor of Dorvan V.
There was still a chill in the air, but the children were oblivious to the cold. Their sand pit was a perfect play area in which Winonah taught Hannah the properties of sand, which, Kathryn thought wryly, certainly did not include eating it. .
Only the other day she had seen Hannah pop some sand into her mouth and before Kathryn could rush forward in motherly angst, Winonah, with sisterly concern, said, "No, Hannah, not in your mouth, please." Hannah, with complete disdain for sisterly advice, continued to eat sand, until Winonah looked imploringly Kathryn's way and cried, "Mommy! Talk to Hannah. She won't listen to me..."
Kathryn's heart had wanted to burst. It was the first time Winonah had called her "Mommy". Even now, looking at her daughters, she still could not believe that the fates had been so good to them, that Winonah was with family again and that she loved her new mother with a fierceness that made Kathryn want to weep.
It had not been easy.
It had looked easy. On the surface, Winonah looked well cared for - neat, alert and interested in the things around her.
Her conversation with Penytt Sarra was still very clear in her mind, for Kathryn recalled Penytt's words every time Winonah looked to take a step forward, then one or two back. She was progressing, and Kathryn knew everyone wanted the child to be a normal, well-adjusted child as soon as possible.
As soon as possible.
Kathryn had been in tears when Winonah, so quietly, too dignified for a child of her age, stepped into her arms and spoke for the first time. She had cried, not in the wild rush and sobbing Kathryn had expected, but gentle tears that didn’t stop flowing for a long time.
"I missed you, Aunt Kathryn," Winonah had said softly, her hands always touching a part of Kathryn's face or her hair.
"I missed you too, little one. I missed you too..."
She had taken Winonah's hand and they’d walked back, meeting Penytt Sarra at the entrance. Penytt dashed forward.
"Winonah, I heard you speak," she exclaimed.
Winonah had looked gravely at the older woman before stepping into her arms too and hugging her fiercely. Sergei and Magnus Rollins, who had been waiting for them, looked on, their eyes darkened with emotion. Kathryn could see how Sergei swallowed, his eyes never leaving Winonah.
"Please, Penytt Sarra, can I go home now with Aunt Kathryn?" Winonah asked, her voice already sounding stronger.
Penytt Sarra held Winonah away from and gave her a kindly smile, wiping away the tears from thed young girl's cheek.
"Every day, Winonah, that you came here, I knew it was to look for someone. You have now found her and I am very happy for you, little one."
The child had given a nod, then turned her hand going into Kathryn's with great eagerness. Sergei signalled that they should move, while Magnus Rollins kept his eyes on his tricorder, looking for disturbances, the remotest chance that their rescue of Winonah might be botched after all. When they reached Penytt's house, Kathryn stopped to look at Magnus.
"I must speak with Penytt Sarra first. Magnus, you could go and meet Karan Tor and oversee their transfer. We'll have three children on board for at least two weeks."
"Aye, Captain," Magnus replied, smiling as he set off in the blazing heat.
Penytt had already stepped inside, before Winonah, clinging to Kathryn's hand, pulled her inside too, out of the sun.
"Winonah seems to be in good health, Captain, though a more thorough examination must be done when we're back on Voyager," Sergei said as he flicked the tricorder closed. Kathryn had not realised at that point that the ship's doctor had been taking scans unobtrusively while they were walking along the dusty compound to the house.
"Yes...yes," she had replied distractedly when Winonah pulled her towards her bedroom.
"This is my room, Aunt Kathryn. I - I have a toy a nice lady gave me when I was on Kronos..."
"Is this it?" Kathryn asked, surprised when she lifted the toy from the pillow and held it up.
"It's a targ."
"Do you know the name of the lady who gave it to you?"
"She said her name was Miral."
The universe was small...
"Then it's good, Winonah. Did you know that I have a little girl too?" Winonah drew in her breath so sharply that Kathryn thought the child was going to hyperventilate. Kathryn had been startled at Winonah's reaction. "What is the matter, Winonah?"
"Is - is her name Hannah?"
"Winonah, how ever did you know that?"
"Grandmother Hannah said that you will have a baby girl and her name will be the same as Grandmother's name. Then it means that Hannah is my cousin, is it not? Just like - like Tomaso..."
"Yes. Hannah is a year old - "
"I am six, Aunt Kathryn."
"I know, honey."
"Can I go home with you now?" Winonah asked. Her liquid brown eyes were large and expectant. Winonah's lips parted as if she thought Kathryn might damn her forever to remain on Kodari. "Please..."
Kathryn, who had sat down on the bed next to Winonah, drew the child against her bosom.
"Oh, Winonah. It's why I'm here. I've come to fetch you and you're coming to live with me and Hannah and my own parents..."
Winonah gasped again.
"And will I go to school?"
"Of course."
Tears sprang into Winonah's eyes again. Kathryn noticed how her small hand felt around her neck, before she remembered. Hooking fingers over the edge of her turtleneck, Kathryn retrieved a locket and chain, smiling sadly as she held it to Winonah. Kathryn held her breath, wondering for a moment whether it was a good idea to show it to the child. It was the surest proof they had that Winonah had indeed survived the massacre, that and Xandor Landral's amazing testimony. It was the link to this child, Kathryn thought, and Chakotay's desperate wish to see the child returned to family. She was just about to close her fingers round it, when Winonah took it from Kathryn, fumbling with the catch.
"Winonah, honey, the pictures - "
Winonah stared for a long time at the miniatures of her parents. She was quiet, too quiet, Kathryn thought when she finally closed the locket and held it so that Kathryn could put it on for her. When it was done, she settled her body against Kathryn, and hugged her fiercely. Winonah's face felt feverish as Kathryn caressed her cheek. This time, she didn't weep.
"They joined the sky spirits..."
***********************
Penytt Sarra had filled Kathryn in on Winonah's progress regarding her schooling and she had been glad that Penytt insisted Winonah interact with other children, even when she couldn't communicate verbally with them. Penytt Sarra was a hero, Kathryn thought, someone who had lost five sons to the war, and yet could extend her love and her compassion to others.
Back on board Voyager, the entire ship had been abuzz with the arrival of the three children. B'Elanna had hailed her the moment they materialised in the transporter room, wanting to know about the child. "She looks like Chakotay, doesn't have his dimples and could very well be mistaken for Hannah's sister," Kathryn had replied, then closed communication immediately while they made their way to the doctor.
B'Elanna could wait, Kathryn had decided, when Winonah held tightly to her hand until they were in sickbay. Then she had become fractious when Sergei examined her. Sergei had given Kathryn a pained look, which she interpreted correctly. The child was wary of him; Kathryn had noticed how she shied away from Magnus Rollins too, while they prepared to leave Penytt's house. Winonah had decided to leave some of her things there, for "when Penytt Sarra has another little girl to look after" but had wanted her toy targ. She had absolutely nothing left of Dorvan V, and the targ, which had been given her soon after being taken to Kronos, had become a constant, something like a pacifier that Winonah clung to.
Sergei had declared all three children fit, and Kathryn had made arrangements for an extra cabin close to Karan Tor's so that he was at hand when his brothers needed him. Tor had been grateful; when they reached more familiar sectors and were closer to Deep Space Nine, B'Elanna was to escort them to Bajor, where they could be reunited with their mother. Gul Gorek had no more interest in them, so Karan Ardra could rebuild her life with two of her sons, knowing that her eldest son would always be within hailing range. It was an arrangement that suited all of them. She had not wanted Tor to thank her; the gratitude in his eyes, and the excitement of the boys at the prospect of being with their mother again, was enough reward for her.
She had ordered Voyager to head towards sector 398, where they could take one of the shuttles to Deep Space Nine, and from there get a safe passage to Bajor. Winonah had clung to her when Kathryn came to her quarters to let the child become familiar with her surroundings. They had one pregnant officer on board; Samantha Wildman had been willing to take care of Winonah while Kathryn was on duty.
That night, Kathryn had replicated Winonah a new nightgown and robe, and after her bath, she looked more alive that she had been the entire day. The excitement had been intense for her and Kathryn knew that soon, tired eyes would droop.
"What would you like to eat, Winonah?" she asked as she prepared their table. Winonah had given her a shy smile.
"Can I have pasta, Aunt Kathryn?"
"Sure, honey."
Kathryn had enjoyed watching Winonah eat while she enjoyed her own meal. Chakotay had never liked much meat himself and was partial to pasta. Did it run in the family?
"My Mama said Uncle Chakotay loved pasta..."
"It runs in the family."
"Where is Uncle Chakotay?"
Kathryn had been quiet a long time, pondering how to answer Winonah's question. Even she didn't know where Chakotay was right now. The last information she had was that he was still alive, but that had been on Cardassia Prime. He might be gone from there, or he might be dead. She struggled a moment to control her raging longing, and quell any thought that he was dead. She wanted to believe Chakotay was still alive. She remembered his words to her, "Thoughts of you and our baby will keep me alive..." She prayed desperately that it was true, that he kept his thoughts focused on his remaining family. Chakotay would be happy that his niece was safe. Winonah had to know the truth. Kathryn gave a sigh and put her fork and knife down.
"Winonah, Uncle Chakotay was taken prisoner. He cannot be with us now, but I know he would be very, very happy that we found you. He was searching all over for you, did you know? And when he couldn't search anymore, when he was taken away from us, he made me promise that I would look until I found you.
"When will Uncle Chakotay come home, Aunt Kathryn?"
Another heavy pause followed as Kathryn looked at Winonah, not really seeing her. She imagined Chakotay in pain somewhere, being tortured and beaten, suffering. She closed her eyes and when she opened them again, Winonah reached over the table to touch her hand softly.
"I don't know, Winonah. I hope it will be soon."
"Will I be your little girl now, like Hannah?"
Kathryn had shown Winonah holovids earlier of Hannah and Chakotay. She had also shown her pictures of Ceara, and at the sight of the dog, Winonah had gasped, saying that she never had a dog. Those pictures showing her with Hannah, kissing Hannah and Hannah kissing and hugging her, had been what must have impacted on Winonah. She had not flinched, but her eyes had been hollow - hollow and hungry. Kathryn could understand Winonah's fears and her desires. In the last year, in the first months, Winonah had been in the care of different people only in the last six months, had seen a little stability with Penytt Sarra.
"Do you know what Uncle Chakotay also said to me, Winonah?" Kathryn asked, watching the play of emotion in the child's eyes. She looked at least settled, happy to be with her, but there was an air of anticipation about her. Kathryn grinned inwardly. This was what Hannah would look like if any promise were to be made to her, or if Kathryn told her a story and she waited for the next tense filled moment, the climax, the denouement. Eyes remained on her, lips parted, and Winonah's fork stayed in mid-air.
"What did he say, Aunt Kathryn?"
"He said - he said that when I found you, I must make you our own little girl."
Kathryn's heart wanted to break when Winonah's eyes filled with tears. In a haze she watched her get up from her chair and walk round the table to stand next to her. Winonah smelled all baby powder fresh but her eyes were alive, suddenly.
"Penytt Sarra said my Mama and my Papa are here," and she indicated by placing her hand over her heart, her fingers touching the locket, "in my heart."
Kathryn swallowed, unable to prevent a tear from rolling down her cheek. She lifted Winonah on her lap and held her very close to her bosom.
"I know, honey. They will always be in your heart. One day soon, I will show you more pictures of them that Uncle Chakotay put together and sent to me..."
Winonah just nodded, making Kathryn think for a fearful moment that she had lost her voice again.
"But will I be your little girl?" Winonah repeated her question, and Kathryn thought she heard a fearful tone in her voice. She sighed. Children like Winonah were still so small to be faced with so many insecurities. Even though she had complete assurance that she was now safe with people she knew, and that she would be looked after and go to school and one day go to Starfleet Academy like Roshana had promised, Winonah needed more. She'd need verbal assurance that she would be Kathryn and Chakotay's daughter, so that even though she was too young to understand her own subconscious need to be connected in a close filial bond she would walk a path, secure in the knowledge that she had parents who loved her.
"Winonah, do you know what what adoption is?"
Winonah shook her head; Kathryn lifted her chin so that she could look her in the eyes.
"It means that Uncle Chakotay and I will make arrangements and sign documents that will say Winonah is now the daughter of Chakotay and Kathryn, and Hannah will be your baby sister, and my own parents will be your new Grandma and Grandpa."
"And my - my last name will be Janeway? I never had one..."
Kathryn had never thought about it quite that way and it revealed one particularly poignant desire as far as Winonah was concerned. The child must have pondered on the prospect of this happening. No wonder she had been so melancholic and reclusive, making her way to her favourite spot in the cavern every day. There she could dream and yearn and communicate with everyone she’d ever known in her life on Dorvan V. There Winonah could become Winonah Janeway in her yearnings for a home she knew was there, if only someone came to fetch her...
Now watching her daughters at play, all that was needed to complete the family picture, was Chakotay. Even Hannah sometimes became fractious and cried for long spells, and Kathryn would have her hands full getting her to calm down again. Now, it was a little better, with Winonah also here. Kathryn gave an inward sigh.
Winonah still had a long road to recovery. While Hannah was tractable to a certain degree, she was bright and exuberant and open, never shy about being held by her Grandpa Adam or Admiral Paris or Lewis. She loved her Aunt Phoebe and adored Elizabeth Paris, who was their doctor. Winonah was the opposite. Always a diffident little girl, shy at first with a stranger and only thawing much later - Kathryn had experienced that herself when she first met Roshana's little daughter - she was reserved now. Kathryn was willing to accept that that was a natural aspect of Winonah's personality, but she knew that her experience on Dorvan V had only entrenched her natural tendency to wariness.
That much Kathryn was rudely awakened to, the second night Winonah was on board Voyager on their way home to Earth.
Kathryn had woken from a deep slumber and stared dazedly down at the child thrashing around next to her.
"Winonah...Winonah...wake up," Kathryn had said gently so as not to startle the child. But even at fifteen percent illumination she could see the terrified look on Winonah's face as she opened her eyes, saw Kathryn, then screamed in a high thin wail, while covering her ears.
"Mama...Mama... Papa..."
"Shhh...Winonah, it's alright, I'm here," Kathryn had tried to soothe the hysterical child but she refused to be consoled, or wake out of her nightmare. Kathryn thought later it was not so much refusal as seeing Kathryn as a Cardassian.
"Don't hurt Mama... Don't...please leave her alone..."
Then the high, thin wail rent the air again and Kathryn, compelled to haul the child in her arms, felt the intense stiffness followed by a series of shudders and sobs, punctuated by the thin, banshee-like wailing. Kathryn, her eyes filling with tears as Winonah, unable to emerge from her nightmare, continued to finally called the medical bay. Minutes later, they were beamed to sick bay where Sergei, on duty in Gamma shift, quickly administered a sedative to calm her.
Winonah had wondered why she was in sick bay while Kathryn had wondered how many nights Penytt Sarra had sat up trying to console the distraught child.
"It was only a nightmare, Winonah..."
To which Winonah, with disarming truth, replied, "But it happened, Aunt Kathryn...Mama is dead... Papa is dead..."
"I know, I know, little one. When we get home to Earth, it will get better, don't worry."
By then, Kathryn had already decided to follow Sergei's advice to have Deanna Troi appointed as Winonah's counsellor while Deanna was on a long duty break. Now, almost three months and many nightmares later, there was at last some improvement. Winonah, in the company of people, family mostly, who loved her, blossomed and became less diffident than she had been before. Kathryn gave a sigh of pleasure. It was Hannah's own cheerfulness and high spirits , together with something of Chakotay's vigour and obstinacy at times, that rubbed off on Winonah. She became confident, less afraid of displaying emotion and being demonstrative.
Two days ago, Winonah had called her "Mommy" for the first time. It wasn't something that she had impressed on the child. She was always aware that she was Winonah's aunt by marriage only. But hearing Hannah constantly calling her "Mommy", and during their short visits to Svetlana, hearing how Svetlana interacted with Anatoly and Irina, and how Dalene was with her little baby boy and the two girls who called Dalene Mama, had given Winonah the encouragement to be as free and open with Kathryn.
Hannah had wanted to sleep with Kathryn, but she had been hesitant to allow the toddler to become too comfortable sleeping with her mother. However, she’d relented when Winonah had also looked at her with doleful eyes.
"Can I also sleep in Mommy's bed?" she asked.
"Winonah? You called me 'Mommy'."
"Uh-huh."
On Deanna Troi’s advice, Kathryn had been humbled by Winonah's love. They had gradually shown Winonah pictures of her parents and of Kolopak and Grandma Hannah, and a beautiful photograph of Tomaso, her cousin who’d also died. She had just nodded, her eyes going dark with remembrance, then minutes later, her equilibrium was restored. Now, Winonah, using her own vid-com, could look whenever she felt the need to. Kathryn smiled. Lately, Winonah was only interested in looking at vid-images of Hannah and Kathryn, of herself and Hannah and Chakotay. Pictures of family, and that included her new grandparents. That thought brought a warm feeling. Winonah had taken quickly to her Grandma Gretchen and Grandpa Adam. After a day spent with their grandparents they'd come home full of their visit. Gretchen and Adam had taken instantly to Winonah, as did Phoebe, who was enthralled by the child's ability to sketch.
Now, although Kathryn was sure that her elder daughter would always have the events of Dorvan V as part of her memories. They would be put where they couldn't hurt as much as they did in the first weeks and months and years.
Kathryn rose from the swing seat and her movement catching the dog's attention. Ceara instantly shifted loyalties and ran up to the porch and nuzzling Kathryn's leg. Winonah looked up, but Hannah was still engrossed in scooping sand into her bucket.
"Are we going now, Mommy?" Winonah asked.
They were due back in San Francisco that evening. Her two months leave ended in a few days, and preparations were underway to take Voyager right into the heart of Cardassian space. Her mother and Adam were ready to take the children again and Kathryn was glad and saddened at the same time. Sometime soon, she'd have to make some decision about her future. Her children were young and they needed her. Sergei appreciated the time with his wife and children, and Samantha Wildman was giving birth in three months time so she would not be boarding Voyager again. She had informed Kathryn that she'd be back only after hostilities had ended.
Which could be years still, Kathryn though with some dread.
Winonah had taken Hannah's hand and both were coming up the steps onto the porch. Ceara was wagging her tail excitedly.
"Yes, sweetheart. I have to be on my ship in a few days but we're all going to Grandma and Grandpa first so you can settle in there."
"Gammy, Gammy!" Hannah crowed.
Kathryn bent down to lift her baby in her arms and they entered the house together.
"Yes, sweetie," Kathryn said as she kissed Hannah's forehead, "we're going to Grandma."
"And I'm going back to school," Winonah said proudly.
She was going to miss them. It had been good being home, but she wanted to get back among the stars. She was due to be briefed by Admirals Paris, Ponsonby and Lewis and this time she wondered what her mission would entail.
Kathryn sighed. She missed Chakotay. Missed him now more than ever.
***********************
It was with a heavy heart that Kathryn made her way to Starfleet Headquarters to see Admiral Paris. The two days she had been at her mother's new home with the children had been too short, and Hannah had been surprisingly fretful, sensing that Kathryn was going to leave her again for what appeared this time to be an undisclosed period. She’d had her hands full the previous night when Hannah wouldn't stop crying; only after Winonah had spoken in her big sisterly tones, did the toddler settle down. Naturally that had only happened when Winonah promised Hannah could sleep with her in her bed. Kathryn sighed. Hannah was still so much a baby who just wanted her mother and those times when Kathryn left, she hardly wanted to leave Kathryn's side; the last few days Hannah had slept either with her or with Winonah.
Now, she was filled with trepidation about the briefing. Voyager was to rendezvous with four other vessels near the Cardassian border. Ken Dalby had to join Voyager in a week's time. She had no idea where he’d gone to although she had kept tabs on her crew. That was something she was about to ask Paris and Ponsonby. It was time they played open cards with her.
For a long time she had not known about Chakotay's doings or whereabouts, and understandably, that had been covert, and her "plausible deniability" claims really had to have impact to protect his wife and child. She had succeeded with Admiral Nechayev, who only wanted Chakotay apprehended, or preferably dead. Now, with Nechayev relenting on the Maquis, other hard line admirals followed suit, especially after Berrol Oldimar had struck a giant blow to key Dominion and Cardassian installations. Berrol had been recalled; which was the best thing the Federation could have done. Kathryn had met him way back during their Academy days and had been struck by his seriousness.
They were winning the war, but the costs... The Federation had lost thousands, many of its finest vessels destroyed or drifting in deep space, whole worlds decimated. Always, the costs were incalculable.
She hoped the admirals could give her news of Chakotay and the hundreds of other prisoners of war in Cardassian labour camps. Kathryn closed her eyes. She had dreamed last night, a vivid dream in which they were walking along a pristine beach, holding the hands of their children. It was so clear that when waking up, her hand had gone to the pillow beside hers; she had swallowed her deep disappointment, her hand touching the heads of Winonah and Hannah. After that, sleep had eluded her and it was only hours later that she had fallen into a restless slumber. Early this morning she had been tired herself, with both children demanding her attention, but her mother had cheerfully assisted and got Winonah ready for school and an hour later, Hannah was all ready for her toddler's play group at Headquarters.
It was another warmish day, yet Kathryn shivered as she entered the building housing the offices of Admirals Paris and Ponsonby. Her stepfather had left very early from home, before everyone else was up so she had not seen him yet.
When she stood in front of Owen Paris's door, she took a deep breath before pressing the panel.
***********************
Kathryn was surprised to see Ken Dalby in Owen Paris's office.
"Captain!"
Ken rose from his seat as she entered.
"At...ease, Lieutenant," she said, unable to mask her surprise as she looked first at him, then at Owen Paris and Adam Ponsonby.
"Thank you, Captain," Ken responded, as she seated herself in the chair next to his.
"What is the meaning of this, Admirals?" she asked as she noted how Ken Dalby's hands trembled a little, and she realised with some alarm that he looked ill at ease. Ill at ease and concerned. How did she not notice it when she entered? Had she been too surprised to see nervousness etched on Ken Dalby's face?
And why, when he could have relayed something via subspace, was it necessary for him to be here? Were they to be briefed on the same thing?
Adam Ponsonby coughed, and he too, looked concerned.
"Kathryn, we have some news - "
"Captain, you must take Voyager to the Demilitarised Zone," Owen Paris cut in.
"The nature of this mission, gentlemen?" she asked, suddenly touched by the ambience of strange vibes in the room. Something was up. Something that had to do with...
"Ken, will you fill in Captain Janeway?" Adam Ponsonby asked before he planted himself in front of the window that overlooked the lush gardens of Starfleet.
Dalby gave a sigh, looked at the admirals with what Kathryn thought was a distraught look, before facing her.
"I have found out where Chakotay and about a hundred Starfleet prisoners of war are to be taken, Captain," he stated in a hollow voice.
"They're to be moved from Cardassia Prime?" she asked.
This time Ken turned to Owen. Owen Paris nodded before taking over from Ken.
"A planet called Jarok situated in a star cluster in the DMZ, called the Falrak Dwarf Star System."
"But Admiral! It's a D-class planet, and no humans have ever survived there for any length of time."
"Right. Cardassia Prime has been under attack by the Dominion again, and is now fighting its former friends. For some reason they decided to dump Starfleet POW's on that world and a few other planets."
"Without any supervision?"
"None that we know of," Owen replied tersely. Adam Ponsonby turned from the window and walked round the desk to stand next to Kathryn, touching her shoulder in a consoling gesture. She stiffened at his touch, sensing instantly that something had happened to Chakotay. "Ken, will you explain what you've discovered?"
Ken Dalby sighed and Kathryn felt Adam's hand tightening on her shoulder. Was he trying to keep her down? she wondered.
"I spent my vacation looking up old friends who helped us during our Maquis days, Captain. I met with a Klingon called Morok, who lived for a while on a planet in the Demilitarised Zone, and during a skirmish with the Jem'Hadar, we injured and er...tortured one of them."
"How?" Kathryn wondered why she even asked.
"I blocked off his ketracel white that he needed to survive. He was suffering major withdrawal symptoms."
"But death is their salvation," Kathryn said, remembering her knowledge of that race, the fighting arm of the Dominion.
"Yes, it is, Captain. But he was willing to part with the information we needed. He committed suicide afterwards."
Kathryn gave a violent shiver at hearing Ken's words.
"Kathryn," Adam Ponsonby said and she looked up into his grave face, "Chakotay is to be taken to Jarok. The prisoners will be there by the time Federation vessels arrive."
"But the planet is under surveillance by the Jem'Hadar," Owen Paris said. "We can only spare five vessels to get in there and bring them to Federation space."
"Chakotay? How - how is he?"
"That is why I've come here, Captain," Ken Dalby said as she looked at him. What, she wondered, was wrong? She understood that Chakotay might have experienced some violent torture. It wasn't difficult to envisage since that was the Cardassian way of treating prisoners and slaves.
"It seems the Cardassians, occupied with saving their own skins, will deposit them on Jarok and leave them there to die. That way, their consciences, if they ever had them to begin with, are salved." Owen Paris was uncompromisingly gruff when he spoke about the Cardassians.
"Chakotay?" she asked again.
"Captain, I believe Chakotay may be dying."
Kathryn turned cold at Ken Dalby's words.
"D-Dying? she stammered suddenly.
"If we don't get them within the next three weeks, Kathryn, they'll all be dead. Ken has determined that there is enough water. For the next month, but food is almost non-existent. Chakotay's injuries are severe. The Jem'Hadar don't go to the planet; they only patrol that Star System."
"Captain, I've heard from Morok that - that Chakotay especially, was made a target of experimentation. I'm sorry. I wanted to go to Cardassia Prime and get them all out single-handedly, you understand?"
Kathryn nodded. She wanted to go right in and get Chakotay out. But they had to traverse sectors overrun by Jem-Hadar. It was a dangerous mission, dangerous just to enter those sectors, then to get one hundred prisoners of war off Jarok?
"Kathryn, you have a difficult task at hand. Voyager is to lead a five ship armada to the Falrak Star System and get those prisoners out. They may already be on their way there as we speak..."
"You're certain Jarok is where they're to be taken?" Kathryn asked.
"Dead certain, Captain. The Jem'Hadar would not lie. By the time we get there, the prisoners will have arrived."
Kathryn nodded mutely. Chakotay was dying, and who knew how many other prisoners weren't already dead? She had been given hope, if only a little and that was that Chakotay was still alive. If Dalby...
When Dalby spoke, it was to answer her silent question.
"I only came into this information a few days ago, Captain, on my way back here. I wanted to inform Admiral Paris personally."
"Mr Dalby did the right thing, Kathryn. Voyager is due to leave first thing tomorrow morning."
Kathryn nodded again, and gripped Dalby's hand tightly.
"Thank you, Ken."
"He's my friend, Captain. The man saved my life."
"Kathryn," Adam Ponsonby said as she rose from her seat, "could I see you in my office, please?"
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Adam Ponsonby had never rued the day he met Gretchen Janeway. His life was put on hold when she married Edward Janeway, his close friend and colleague. They had never known of the feelings he had, and so never quite understood the reason he sought to remain unattached for so many years. Oh, he tried, many times in the early years, but no one could ever obliterate what feelings he had for a woman who was married to his friend, and so he sublimated all he felt for her. They maintained the old camaraderie that had always existed between them through the years, and he could never quite live down Gretchen's amazing capacity for teasing him mercilessly, mostly about his being so prosaic at times. Never in the years of her marriage to Edward had he ever encroached on what was very intimate, private and sanctified. Why should he when she never knew how he felt about her?
But he remained their friend, and when Edward died, it was Gretchen who sought him for the solace she craved. In a way he was glad, for at the time, he had not wanted it to seem that he was offering comfort with the express idea that she was now free and in a matter of time, would turn to him.
She had two beautiful and brilliant daughters; they were there for her too, although Kathryn had been thrown into a deep depression after the death of her father and Justin, her fiancé. He had been grateful then that he could mean so much to Gretchen; he could ease her pain and drive away a little of her loneliness.
And so Adam, friend and sometimes confidant as well as the target of Gretchen's special brand of gentle and sometimes not so gentle teasing, remained just that, even after Edward died. Yes, she came to him and, without ever speaking of her pain and her desolation, he knew what she suffered; he became the sounding board that absorbed some of Gretchen's unhappiness and pain, and shared her joy when her daughters achieved. Sometimes, Gretchen would speak about her troubles and he'd listen; other times she came to him, and they'd be quiet, but he would know that something troubled her. Many times in recent years, he’d felt that she was changing, and hope soared that she could return his feelings.
He loved her.
It was never spoken, always just under the surface, suggested in her teasing, her smiles, her unconscious way in which her eyes lit up when he touched her cheek. If she knew she was doing it, she'd stop instantly.
He had loved Gretchen almost from the day he first met her, and he knew, when she turned to his friend Edward, that he would always play a role of friend and love her from a distance. Over the years he had become very good at hiding those illicit feelings, and only in the last few years, had he become bolder when it seemed that she didn't rebuff his gentle, if tentative advances.
There was something about a Gretchen Janeway that made men worship her, that made men want to lay their lives down for her. He had known the day he fell in love with Gretchen, that he would never love another woman, and he never had. And so, more than a year ago, when he finally declared his true feelings for Gretchen Janeway, how could he not smile and feel the ridiculous need to cry at the way she responded with, "Adam, now that wasn't so difficult, was it? What took you so long?"
How could he know then that she had felt the same for so many years? Yet, he never felt as if they’d wasted any years of togetherness, for what they shared was too unique, and those years, in which they were just close, intimate friends, were to become an inextricable part of their lives together.
"We come as a package, Adam, you must realise that."
Adam had grinned inwardly. Gretchen had insisted that he ask Kathryn and Phoebe for their mother's hand in marriage...
Even though her daughters were independent women who lived their own lives, he knew that it meant a lot to her. He revelled in being a father, and Phoebe, bless her, called him Pops. He loved Kathryn and Phoebe as if they were his own daughters. And now, with two granddaughters, his life was full.
As he looked at Kathryn after she entered his office, she appeared so much like her mother that he felt his own heart wanting to break at her unhappiness. Her eyes were wide, as if she were still in shock, but they were also dark with deep emotion. He had seen Kathryn close to hysteria, although she hid it very well. Like all Starfleet captains and admirals, she was good at hiding her feelings. Weren't they all, those who were captains and vice-admirals and admirals in Starfleet? No matter how traumatic or how close to one's life a trauma or pain-filled event hit, the pain was a risk every officer in Starfleet had to accept. That page from the rule book accompanied them to breakfast, to the holodecks, to the ready rooms, boardrooms and yes, even to bed.
Kathryn and Chakotay...their lives had never been comfy rose beds without thorns. It was a hard road they walked and with Chakotay not presently in Kathryn's life, they did everything they could to make life bearable for him. Because he regarded Kathryn as his daughter, therefore Chakotay became the son he’d never had, and he felt the same deep concern for both of them as he would had they been his own children.
Adam looked at Kathryn as she stood before him and the way her lips compressed, he knew she was fighting hard to control her emotions. How could she not? Her husband was dying somewhere, alone, without family. She had just been given the task - again - of rescuing him. Her eyes were darkened by pain and memories.
"Come here, Kathryn," he said softly and opened his arms.
Adam Ponsonby held her a long time, feeling how her body shivered and how she struggled, hearing the occasional sob. By the time she looked at him, there was a wan smile.
"I failed him before, Adam," Kathryn said to him, her voice quivering. "I failed him..."
"You didn't, you know. That is the Chakotay we all know. He would have wanted to do it his way. He saved the lives of two crews that day."
"I failed him," Kathryn repeated her words, and Adam gripped her shoulders again and pulled her into his embrace.
"No, you didn't, Kathryn. Chakotay was acting in the true, honourable tradition of Starfleet, of placing the needs of others before his own."
It was quiet a while. He thought she was crying.
"I miss him..."
"I know, Kathryn. I know..." Adam said gently.
Then she stood away from him, looking every inch the Starfleet captain ready to take on the Dominion. Arms at her sides, though her face still looked drawn, her stance was erect and full of purpose.
"I would have done the same."
"I know. We'll take good care of the children for you."
"Hannah, she can be obstinate - "
Adam gave a sigh.
"Don't we know it. Doesn't she ever sit still for two minutes together?"
"And - and Winonah, she is due for another session with Deanna Troi."
"I'm taking care of that. She's getting quite used to me now, Kathryn. Hannah and Winonah...they could be mistaken for sisters."
Kathryn smiled, a rather tearful smile, he thought. She also looked intensely proud for a few moments. Winonah had crept into everyone's heart. Elizabeth had declared her in good physical condition and then Winonah had given her a hug at her last examination.
"And, Mom, she can be a handful - "
"Duly noted, Kathryn," he said, unable to keep himself from smiling. His life with Gretchen energizing. She kept him constantly on his toes.
Another short silence followed in which Kathryn's face became serious again. He knew she was thinking of her important mission. He knew she was thinking that this time, she had to succeed. He knew she was thinking of Chakotay.
"Bring him home, Kathryn. Bring him home, will you?"
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END CHAPTER THIRTY SIX
Chapter 37 [NC-17]