| .Yurameki
. by Decadency Part 2: Undecided
There is no
where these two can go having their backs to each other Brightly colored lights decorated the streets and somewhere in the glow of the setting sun, children squealed with laughter. It was hard to believe that just three blocks down was where Toshiya had killed himself. And floating with the dreamy atmosphere was a string of hysterical laughter. Bathed by the colors of darkness and fingers intertwining with the blood, the singer of Dir en grey fell to his knees. Head thrown back and a maniacal grin plastered tightly on his features. It was ironic how he could cry and still laugh. Like two separate entities that tore his soul from the inside out. The delicate orange paper fluttered silently to the ground, black ink spilling and pouring from the crevices of his heart. His bloodied hands clung desperately to his hair and before long, the bright and cheery yellow hair was stained crimson. His eyes were opened wide and trembles over took his body so that he could no longer breathe. Suffocation. He was dying. And in the afterglow of the sunlight, his pale face blended with the darkness and his silhouette moved eerily on the walls. Reflecting and refracting the confusion and turmoil that lay in his hands. Toshiya had known. Had known what was not supposed to be told, had known what was to be the forbidden fruit. Had known about his love for him. A chuckle tore from his throat and he lay gasping on the floor, transparent liquid springing from his eyes in an endless stream of anguish and hysteria. His hands had somehow found their way around his slim and pale neck, a strangled cry erupting from deep within his body. His forbidden desire for something that would never had been his was known all along. Was seen all along. And he, in the end, was the biggest fool of them all. Not Kaoru, who had rejected and raped the blue haired beauty, not Toshiya for killing himself and ruining his luscious face, not Shinya who could not step in soon enough to prevent the death, not Die who could do nothing but stare at the scenes as if it were a never ending drama, it was him. He was played for a fool. He closed his eyes and blinded himself from the letter, the darkness weaving a protective cocoon around his eyes and mind. “Ha….Ha….Ha….HAHAHAHAHA!!” And the tears sprung anew in a frenzied fit. The haunting sounds echoing long after they had been used.
Kaoru heard the insanity that bled through the walls, he heard the high-pitched screaming laughter, but he made no move to stop it. His guilt rose in giant waves that crushed down on his soul repeatedly. His tears had long since dried up and there was no more liquid left in his dry husk of a body to waste on his lover. Slowly, hesitantly, the guitarist picked himself off his fetal position on the ground and staggered to his feet. Body swaying, he could not tell which way was up and which was down, his head was floating in pieces, an eerie tune circling in his head. His fingers raked through his mussed purple hair and bloodshot eyes circled the room and took in every detail. Ghost-like was his appearance and in the darkness, who was to say that he had not lost his soul?
Oh, but he had. And oh, but he remembered. He remembered the abuse he dealt out, the rape, the pain, the longing, and most of all, the hate. The magnificent hate he held for the bassist was greater than his love. But he knew, he knew, that the reason why he hated Toshiya was not because of the bassist’s love for him, but for making him love him. He giggled hollowly, and collapsed on the bed. Slim fingers tracing circles in the air. His lesson had been learned, hate was the closest to love, and in the end, he had known all along. The lesson that was forcibly taught to him, taught to him in the moment where he could do nothing with the newfound wisdom of his. He lay spread eagle on the dark blue bed, eyes blinking rapidly as he recalled everything. The week where he had picked a random girl to go out with during Toshiya’s birthday out of spite and hatred. The two times when he had forcibly entered the bassist. The numerous times when he had abused, slapped, kicked, and punched the prone figure in the same room he was in now. The days when Toshiya had been forced to wear long sweaters and pants over his figure to mask the bruises and cuts on his body, the times when he was forced to lie to his best friends when they saw him wince. Come to think of it, there was not a single good memory he had with Toshiya. Not even one.
The nurse timidly knocked on the door to room 160, “Um, good sir, visiting hours are over. It would be appreciated if you could leave the patient to rest.” Die nodded his head slowly and stood up, he flashed a weak smile at Shinya. “Shin-kun, get some rest, I’ll be back tomorrow. Don’t let all that has happened impede on your recovery.” He opened the door and shut it softly behind him, a sigh escaping from his lips. His hands still clutched the letter and he waited until he was in his car before he dared to open it. His lips curved upwards into a bitter smile as he read the faded and sloppy kanji that was unique to only Toshiya. And soon, a small droplet of water fell from his eyes languidly on to the paper, smearing the ink. “P.S. Take care of Shin-kun, don’t do to him what Kaoru did to me. I trust you.” He rasped out, and all of a sudden, Die felt the beginnings of a huge burden placed upon his shoulders. But somehow, he knew that things would only get worse. He just didn’t know how worse.
Eyelashes lightly dusted a pale and finely sculpted face as Kaoru closed his eyes and recalled the secrets that he had kept from Toshiya. He was cruel, yes, but he hid some of the cruelest things he had done from the bassist. But apparently, he didn’t need to, what he had already done was worse enough. And time would never rewind again, he could never apologize for his deeds, he would never truly smile with Toshiya, he would never hold the blue haired bassist in his arms again. But then again, he had never held the talented youth in his arms…ever. The younger one was too scared to even touch Kaoru, much less seek comfort. And whenever it came to birthdays, he would never give anything to Toshiya, he wouldn’t even look at the man, but despite the cold shoulder attitude that was the bassist’s gift, each year, without fail, on the lead guitarist’s birthday, he would find a small gift. A small but heartfelt gift. The one that stuck most vividly in his mind was the glass sculpture of a guitar. It was tiny, no bigger than the palm of his hand, but it was so delicate and fragile. It was perfect beyond belief. And then, he also recalled the remorse that threatened to block all other emotions. By the end of the day, the beautiful sculpture lay in pieces in the trashcan, the shards of glass jutting out in all its disfigured beauty. The look on Toshiya’s face was priceless, dark orbs had widened and instinctively, hands clenched into fists. Glimmering and sharp canine teeth dug into his red lip and blood soon erupted from the piercing. He had spun on his heel and left, claiming that he was sick. Sick of heart. Sick of life.
Shinya watched with
teary eyes as Die left. How was he to forget and get better when his
friend was lying in a cold morgue? How was he supposed to go on and
act as if nothing was missing, as if the bassist had never shown up
in the first place? How was he supposed to close his eyes and
pretend so eagerly? How was he supposed to lie to himself? Auburn
hair rested by his waist, and the drummer willed the tears to go
away. But bit-by-bit, his vision wavered and before long, the desk
had blurred with the wall and he could not contain the pain. The
floor melded with the ceiling and black spun with white in a
dizzying dance. Despite his throbbing head and the ache that he felt
in his heart, Shinya folded his legs beneath him and bowed. His
thick and wavy hair falling gracefully around his shadowed face. He
prayed. He didn’t know to whom he prayed, he didn’t know why he
prayed, but all he knew was that somehow, the burden could be lifted
from his heart with this silent action. ‘Toshiya, I hope that
wherever you are, you’re happy. I hope you don’t have to deal with
the pain anymore. I hope… I hope… That maybe, you’ll remember all
the good times that we had together. Like the time when a dog chased
you wildly around the park and you ended up pleading for me to help
you. Or the time when we all sat together and had an eating contest.
I hope, that you’ll never forget us…That you’ll never forget me…Even
when the earth stops rotating and the heavens fall upon us, I hope
that you won’t ever forget…Don’t give up…Because all memories are
precious, even those that scar and wound you.’
~End Part Two~
Author’s Note: This is a very depressing fan fiction, and it will only get more depressing in the future. You have already experienced character death, get ready for character insanity. I warn you. But this part is dedicated to deathbyapillow and Shiva K. Thank you for the lyrics! *hugs* to be continued back to deg fics page 5 |