by Decadency

Part 1

I can't go home, I want to forget a love that never wavered with you.

Silence. Not a word was uttered as the powerful and intimidating figure entered the room. Silence. There was no outbreak of laughter; there was no sound of music that lingered in the shadowed regions of the room. Silence. And the witnesses could not tell why the room suddenly fell into a spiraling depth of such depression. But as their leader swept a glance around the area, comprehension dawned upon them. It was a truth that could not be denied. The lone bass was on the ground, untouched and broken, next to its player. Next to its utterly distraught player.

“Fix it.” Came the harsh command uttered by pale, angel carved lips. And there were no more sounds. The echo had long since disappeared but was soon replaced by defiant and crystal syllables that painted the colorless ceilings rainbow.

“No. I quit.” Turning on his heel, the bassist of Dir en grey faded into the gray streaked distance. His bass still leaned heavily on the floor, snapped strings crying out in pain for the loss of its player. And then, the colors disappeared. And with it, vanished the last of the laughter.

Standing ever so slowly from his drum set, Shinya brushed a lock of hair from his eyes and shot a glance at their stunned leader. “So…” he muttered, the words lost in the seemingly vast space of emptiness that separated each member. His soft voice faded into space and slim hands dropped the drumsticks that they were holding as he could only stare with remorse.

“So indeed…” came a slightly hoarse voice that belonged to Die. He leaned against the white washed walls and closed his eyes in confusion. “Where do we go now?” asked a low and guttural voice that resounded from a sitting figure. One arm wrapped loosely around a leg while the other supported his back.

Snapping from his stupor, the proud and arrogant leader turned his cold gaze upon the shattered instrument. “What else? We get a new bassist.” The cold words shattered the stiff feeling and pent up emotions.

With halting steps, the drummer of Dir en grey stepped lightly in front of their insensitive dictator. “Really. You will give up on him so easily? You will forsake all that he has taught you of love so shamelessly? You will betray him like this? For shame.” With concealed anger, Shinya raised his hand and aimed as if to strike his leader, but paused mid-air to gently trace the outline of Kaoru’s face. “Idiot. You do not know what you have just given up on.” He retreated into the shadows and quietly, the door closed behind his slender frame. And silence ruled queen again.

The remaining three stared neither at themselves nor at the surroundings, but rather they saw naught. A soft breath escaped from the singer as he hoisted himself up. “Fooled are men, and fooled are we.” He walked with brisk steps to the window and watched as his breath misted over the windowpane. “To think that we came so far to have it shattered like this.” A hoarse laugh filled the room with crimson flakes as Die walked gaily over to Kaoru only to pause and slap him on the back. “Congratulations, my friend. You have snapped his restraints. He will not come back today, or tomorrow, or the day after. He will never come back.”
 

That day, I disappeared from your eyes. At that point what could I do?
Looking at you breaking down in tears, I held you more tightly than usual,
but you didn't change. How could I have not noticed that now your love was gone...
I was really a fool, wasn't I?
Is this how we'll end it? For some reason when I think of you the tears flow.
I won't ever hurt you again. Because now at this time I want to hold you.
I betrayed your love too much, didn't I? ..." The present will never again be like it was three years ago "
Why did we meet? What did I leave you with?
I'll keep continuing to wait until we meet again.
I can't go home, I want to forget even the memories. The heart I loved you with hurts,
Eternally a love which I didn't have until now...
Our love will never return.

A sigh escaped from the pale lips as the leader bowed down in defeat in front of the friends that he had let down. “I know…I know…” His voice cracked slightly. “I know…I know…” An endless stream of words that flew out the window and into the drizzling rain. “I should’ve known. Should’ve but didn’t, should’ve but couldn’t.” He buried his pale face into callused hands and cracked. A pair of golden brown eyes lazily moved from the outside scene to stare pointedly at his fallen leader. “Couldn’t? Or was it because you did not want to?” The question was never answered.
 

Streaked crimson flashed across the drummer’s vision as he stood rooted to the spot. Wide eyes followed the direction of the betrayed player. The patter of rain continued to sound against the slick pavement as the figure in front of him continued to run, blinded by hurt and anger. And then, he was gone. One slip of the foot and the bass player disappeared from sight. His blonde hair clung to his face and blocked his vision, but he knew, he knew, that the scene would forever be engrained in his mind. He knew that this was something that would never fade from his memory. And somewhere in the regions of his heart, Shinya could feel the tearing of the organ. He blacked out and dimly, he felt the resounding crack as his skull slammed violently against the pavement. He thought no more.
 

“Shinya’s fallen.” Came the monotone voice of Kyo as his gaze flashed towards the slumped figure that was his once proud and arrogant leader. The life had drained out of his personality and had coated it with a thick layer of indifference. Die paused mid-step and glanced back in shock. Without any words, he slammed the door shut and ran out to help the one whom he held most dear. Kaoru remained kneeling on the floor, face buried deeply in his hands as he gave a light rasp. The singer’s hands flicked sharply at the windowpane before he withdrew. “Die is going to keep hold onto the only thing he ever considered good, he will go with Shinya through death together. What of you?” and once again, his eyes slanted to look at the lead guitarist.

“I loved him… so much more than he would ever know. I pushed him to his limits because I loved him, because I couldn’t stand to see him submit to my cruel reign. I did it all for him.” Whispered Kaoru. Kyo gave a snort of disbelief. “If you truly loved him like he did you, you would not have gave yourself up to a stranger. You would not have crushed his delicate heart. You would not have so brutally threatened him with blackmail. You would not have raped him.” His broken leader whimpered at the enunciated word. Kyo plowed on, merciless in his exacting of revenge in his best friend’s place. “And even after all that, he forgave you. Even after all that, he still loved you. And what did you do? What did you do? You apologized and did it again. And still yet, he couldn’t bring himself to hate you. It’s amazing what pain you gave to him through love.” Kaoru remained silent. They remained like that for the rest of the day.
 

Die cradled Shinya’s slim figure in his arms and glanced tearfully up at the endless drizzle of rain that poured from the sky. “D-Die. Where’s Tot…Totchi?” came the small gasp from the drummer. Inside the sickeningly pure and unsoiled white confinement of the hospital, Die couldn’t bring himself to look at his lover. “He’s gone. He’s finally free.” A skeletal hand reached out to clasp Die’s warm and comforting hand. “How?” Die looked down at the floor and restrained his tears. “The art.” Shinya nodded his head in somber understanding. They both knew. It was in Toshiya’s way to go out quietly, his life snuffed out like a candle. “The art of suicide…” Die raked a hand through his hair and let a tear slide down. “He did it so that Kaoru would be the most affected. He cut his hair short and dyed it onyx black, he cut marks over his body and revealed past bruises and scars, and he blew his face up.” Shinya’s eyes widened as Die finished his sentence. “He did what?!” His lover sighed and slid off his stiff chair onto the floor. “He shot a bullet through his head. Hardly anything was recognizable of his features.” Silence. Utter and complete silence. No one spoke.
The splashes and droplets of violent red marred the dark blue wallpaper of the room. A grotesque painting done by an extraordinary soul. The corpse had long been removed and all that was left was all that Toshiya wanted them to have. Four separate and multi-colored letters for four members and a composition for the band to play. To the singer’s surprise, Kaoru’s letter was the shortest. It was only about one line long. Though, he had yet to open his own, he was nonetheless curious to know what the blue-haired bassist had written that made their leader cry.

Hesitantly, he opened his orange letter with trembling fingers.
Kaoru cried. He didn’t know for how long, but he did. Transparent liquid sprung molten and hot from his eyes as he repeatedly read the purple letter that was sent to him. It said a simple message, but it crushed his heart with guilt. It read,

To Kaoru,
I forgive you.

That was all that was said. So simple, three words. Three words that sunk him into depression. Three words that caused more harm than driving a stake through his heart. That was all, just three words.

Die withdrew from his leather jacket, two letters. One was bright yellow and the other was blood red. He smiled softly as he handed the yellow slip of paper over to the drummer. “These were left by Toshiya before he died. Be careful of what they say, Kaoru’s spirit completely broke after he read what Totchi wrote to him. Be careful.” Shinya disregarded Die’s words of caution and hastily opened the paper with all the excitement of a child. His face fell as he read on, until his eyes trembled with tears. For his letter, the bassist thanked him profusely for always being there and for being such a support, and as his thanks, the only lyrics to a song were given as a gift. They were to be used in Dir en grey’s next concert. With shaky hands, Shinya read them aloud, his soft tenor caressing the words lightly.

“If I had tried harder, if you had seen all that there was of me. If I had failed to make you love again, than there is nothing left to be. I stood strong by your side and withstood your angry cries. I stood longingly in front of you with the truth but you called them all lies. I wanted you to look into my eyes, I wanted to make you love me. I wanted to help you live again, but you refused to see. I stood strong by your side and ignored the abuse you gave to me. I stood longingly in front of you with my heart, only to watch you flee. I saw, I came, I wanted. You saw, you ran, you ignored. But that’s okay, there’s nothing to hurt. No more tears left to cry, you’ve seen it all, and watched me die. But yet again, I stood strong by your side waiting for you to notice me. I stood longingly in front of you but you refused to see. And I see that in the end, it was all a lie. And I see that in the end, that the fool was in all actuality…me. But I’ll still stand strong by your side, and I won’t ever leave, until the day you open your eyes and see.” Shinya sobbed as he finished. “Stupid Kaoru… he played Toshiya so bad…. So bad…” Die could only watch on helpless. The hole between them all was growing steadily larger…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End Part One~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Through the betrayal heavier and farther away than love, you never wavered.

to be continued
 

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