What is in your future this month?
Your arrogance is so disgusting that a team of scientist will discover that your decency is shoved so deep up your ass they’ll need a robot probe to get it out. You’ll be angry, but strangely aroused.
On the 19th, you’ll get on the express lane with 12 items…. Whoops! In grief you'll bask in your depression by eating chocolate cake for breakfast and hitting a bar for lunch every day that week. Trade the bar for a beach and the breakfast of freaks for basking in the sun all day flirting with absolutely gorgeous underage youths.
On the 1st a “friend” will tell you that you that someone (he doesn’t know who) really likes you a lot. You haven’t had sex in a year so this information will make your brain turn into a block of moldy swiss cheese, faster than a crack whore can pick up a one-dollar bill out of a pile of dog shit. Crap-tacular!!
Your neighbor who is old enough to fart dust will hit you over the back with a rake on the 9th. Your immediate reaction will be to cry, but don’t be stupid all of your life. He’s drunk and he can barely form a sentence. Get in there and throw some punches you cream puff!
The woman who is the peanut butter to your jelly admits to you that she has an attraction to men with tits early in the month. That juiceless information has more holes in it than a heroin addict, because you have a d-cup and she’s not interested in the least!
You’ve been in stuck at the same entry-level position since the dawning of time. You could end up on an operating table, but you’ll be your boss’ boss by the 28th!
Either highly coached by aliens or highly medicated, your mother will beg you to buy her breast implants for her birthday. Though you try like hell, your health insurance wont cover it.
On the 10th that special alcoholic in your life will grow balls and try to pimp-slap you in the one place you’d like to think of as your conference room, the kitchen. You will trip harder than Faye Dunaway did in the “no more wire hanger” scene in Mommy Dearest, but you’ll have a frying pan in your hand instead of a hanger. When it’s all over, his friends will be calling him lumpy for three months!
Every time you have sex you perform spectacular feats of stratospheric skill never before attempted by civilized man. That’s why you won’t believe it when you catch your woman with the Super of your building mid-month. Sure he smells like someone scraped him off the bottom of hell, but oooh… what he can do with a wad of black pipe grease and a wrench!
You’ll laugh in the face of death, chuckle at catastrophe, and sneer at doom. None of this can prevent you from smelling like a rhino’s nipple on the 25th. Be confident. Sniff your under arms and say “not bad…not bad at all.”
Your as sharp as a dull blade. So when the girl of your dreams walks up to you on the 20th and says, “How about a little one on one?” you are not sure if she is talking about tic-tac-toe or arm wrestling. Mother of pearl! Don’t think too hard about it, or the building next door will explode!
You’ll experience 2 awkward gym room confrontations. You ain’t chicken-shit, but you are always getting screwed. Well what do you expect, when you are a porn actress?
Libra’s are great liars and so are you, if that is even your real sign. On the 16th, the bimbo you’ve been trying to bag for 2 months finally succumbs to a night of pleasure. In the morning, from the rotten depths of your heart you manage to say with the most affection you can muster up, “Should I put you in a cab?” in your “nice” voice. Sure, she’ll go quietly, but she’ll leave you with a case of crabs that will take you apart and put you back together like a watch!
You were trained in the circus. So you are one tough cookie. But poor baby… you’ll break a nail on the 12th. Ooooh… the carnage!
Everyone thinks you’re a fucking jerk. Your nitpicking could land you… in a booger-eating contest. You pick your nose a lot so you’ll win the damned thing. You will be whisked into celebrity-hood. But every one will laugh at you the minute your back is turned. Why? Because you'll have a note taped to your back saying, “Kiss me I just ate a booger!”
When a co-worker calls you “spawn of sheep muck” as a term of endearment, you’ll make that little heifer pay by gargling with broken glass. You’ll crap in your pants for a week when I tell you that she is probably having dirty thoughts about you right now. Truly bizarre but she's got the hots for you!
You could end up spleen-less, but you’ll have the best sex you ever had in your life on the 7th . When you wake up in the morning you’ll discover that the wicked, wicked woman made off with not only your wallet but one of your kidneys too. Isn’t that just evil? (Wasn’t that in a movie?)
You’ll think about staying away from the club scene for a while, on the 15th. What… Do you have bacon fat for brains? That went out with powdered wigs. For the love of Pete, on the 16th you are going to get your groove like Stella, shake your booty and get shnockered!
After the 17th, sometimes when you cough, you pee. And sometimes when you pee, you fart. But you’ll be glad to know that it won’t happen all of the time. It will happen only in the most embarrassing situations. If you are lucky, that little talent of yours could land you your very own show on MTV.
Your life, until now, has been just like a fairy tale… grim. Since Highschool, you’ve been wearing a bulletproof hairdo that was popular in the 4th century. Try something new. How about blue sparkle highlights on your eyebrows. It will be the best cotton picking thing ever!
You’ll wake up on the 8th to discover that all of the planets in the universe will converge to an explosive, yet delicious demise. Yeah… that happened last month, you say, and we were just fine. Unfortunately his time, you’ll be the only man left with a working brain. But don’t worry, there is a spray for interplanetary collisions on the market these days. Sunday morning infomercials should fill you in. So get ready to save the world dude!
You were ready for a change 2 months back, so here it comes. Never underestimate your talents. Hey… you can tie a cheery stem with your tongue, and that should count for something on a resume.
Love is in the air. Take a long... deep breath, but NONE of it is for you. Yeah, it’s true that you are goofy and over zealous, which attracts the opposite sex, like flies to a slab of rotten meat. But that’s because… you are a rotten slab of meat. Hate to break it to ya. (Don't reach for that one, it's a mile over your head!)
You’ll have a rough day at the office on the 3rd. When you try to unwind at a neighborhood bar, every ugly guy will approach you. Quickly, grab a shot of Goldshlagger. That drink will make every one of those guys hot!
