So here we are, starting over. Hopefully I'll take care to update this as much as possible. School just started a few days ago. I had this wonderful feeling the first day that I really, truly belonged there. I must say that I've never truly felt that way before, except for amongst friends. I never thought I would feel that way. And granted, it probably won't always feel so great, and I'll admit we don't all have the same motives, there is something breathtaking about feeling in place for once. I've developed a crush. Already, can you believe that? I should take care not to record details or else I run the risk of potentially spoiling it with my own idiocy. Let's just say that it feels great to be in this position again. I feel desirable. And free, which is something I was actually resisting. However, I do feel overwhelmed by all of the work I forsee myself doing this year. I'm not unwilling to learn, it's just that I feel like my classes are asking more of me than the other schedules I've had. Biology, psychology, english and math. So many things that are required... and I had been taking, mostly, things that I enjoyed. Alas, this is the cost of getting a degree and having some letters next to my name, learning things I could hardly care about. Not all enthusiasm is lost, as I said, I do desire to learn. I just have to buckle down and stop daydreaming. Too bad, too, I really enjoyed that! I just can hardly even transcribe how at peace I feel, which is something I didn't think I would find again for a while. Life really is what you make of it. I needed my horrific catharsis, though... or else I would be in a mental hospital instead of at school. What would you choose?!?
I said I would try to update this as often as I could... too bad not enough time has elapsed to make this really interesting. I'm afraid this new diary simply isn't going to be as interesting as the other, I just lead a boring life now. Yesterday I made oatmeal cookies and dinner, now I'm still trying to fix all the bugs in my page. I must say I am somewhat impressed with how much I've gotten done so far. At least I've done something besides studying for tests and doing blasted homework... Really, my life is horribly boring, I can't reiterate that enough!
A good day today, overall. I can't get over how much I enjoy school, even though it's time consuming and sometimes I think it drains me of my brain power to function outside of school itself. I'm drinking beer again tonight, I must stop altering myself. I talked to someone I like a lot, but that I feared no longer enjoyed my company. And now that fear, along with so many others, is gone. Everything just looks so beautiful; the half-clouded sky, the leaves finally transforming themselves into a palette of orange and yellow, even people seem more attractive than ususal. And it isn't taking external forces to make me happy, even though I'm sure the beer doesn't hurt. I can always make myself glow. The only real complaint I have is living with mother, but I hardly have the means to do much else. At least she isn't the girl/woman she used to be, I guess things could be much worse. I wonder how we ever survived with our mindsets, so harsh and negative.
Still trying to keep my computer online long enough to write entries for this thing. I mean, my old diary is a body of work, here we have a few paltry entries. I have felt sick in the last week, even missed a couple of days of school. I'm assuming it was the flu, and though I don't feel 100% just yet, I do feel twenty times better. I was sort of beginning to worry, what with the fluctuation of "hormonal thinking" paired with that sweet desperation we (I) seem to feel in the wake of an illness. My mother is somewhat famous for breaking down and crying before she gets sick. I'm sure she'd love for all of you to know that! (All of you... psha.) I broke out the Pearl Jam today... had one of their songs in my head, now I can't remember what. "Immortality", that's what it was. I've had the word truant in my mind since I missed my school days. How I've changed, I used to delight in being a truant, a rebel. Now I like the rush I get when I know all my homework's done. Well, you have to admit it's a pretty good feeling. I just can't yet break away from the old Jessica. She was pretty rad for her age. Yes! Third person! Yeah... so, I really do lead a boring life right now, but I'm hoping that will change. First I need to stop feeling so intimidated by the demands of school... it's not going to get any better, I have to just face it. At least I'm finally getting interested in the bulk of my classes, still hating math with all of my being. Wait, divide polynomials? Huh? I sort of understand, and I do understand why... but do I really have to? I've got novels and albums to write, art to make, music to listen to.... jeeezus....
Been an interesting few days. Last night I waited at the bus stop with a girl in pajama pants (Care Bears?). She decided to estimate my age, and guessed... let's say somewhere in my teens. I felt partially insulted, but at the same time I have been feeling old lately, so not completely. That's what you get for wishing you were older for years and years. I also went to Everyday Music a couple of days ago and bought the Sid and Nancy soundtrack. It didn't satisfy my urge, really, but I didn't want to buy a CD. I have a research paper that's due on the 20th that I'm not making great strides on. 11 days, 10 pages, 10 references.... can I possibly do it and be happy with the results? All this work I have to do is colliding, piles of books and papers and notebooks and frustration. I feel lonesome and overwhelmed. I can't believe I'm having trouble with all of this. My mom has a new boyfriend that's over constantly. I'm happy for her but I'm really sick of this "lover's lane" in my living room. I miss her a little; and I'm really tired of her attitude. I won't get into detail. I think I should be off doing work now... Even though I'd rather sit here for hours and procrastinate. I hate being responsible. Listening to my tape is making me want to rebel.
What could I possibly have to broadcast to all the fine people in cyberspace? I was under the influence of stress and hormones for most of this week, and I'm finally coming out of it. The more painful this Mom thing gets the easier to see that what's happening was more or less meant to happen, even if it sort of pisses me off. It's probably not completely kosher for a woman my age to seek company of her mother as much as I had been. I just feel like... I have a few people in my life that care but they're too busy doing real things to be my therapist. I really didn't think I still had the capacity to be as sad as I have been. They officially got engaged a few days ago, after a whole three weeks of dating. I know that if I did the same I would get reprimanded. Hypocrite! Maybe it's a losing battle trying to match one's actions with their ideals. I'm hoping to God that I don't fail math, but I'm starting to think it would be just fine if I did. I worry way too much, but short of smoking dope I don't know how to stop. And frankly, I don't need to have my IQ drop to 90 points just to stop worrying. How would my math test scores look then? I'm having issues, identity issues, money issues, love issues. Last night I had a dream I was spooning with an ex. It's a good thing I really hate him or else I might call and see if it could actually happen. So, I'll try to abstain (find Jesus?). For as non-religious as I am I sure refer to holy entities an awful lot. Ok.
I don't feel well. I'm not as depressed, but I am snotty and achy. Enjoying a glass of eggnog, so early in the season. Then again, another holiday is less than a week away. I'm not sure how much thanks I'm going to be capable of giving... I mean, what about the people that were here before us? I'm trying to me thankful for the things I have currently in my life but... well, I'm your typical American when it comes to having difficulities looking for things to be greatful for. Slowly adjusting to my mom's engagement. Still tough, though. Crazy people. Hmm. Don't have much to say right now, sort of in a creative mood but lacking the energy to do anything about it. As always, eluding my homework. I just don't want to do it. I don't feel like being ill, but I suppose that's the drawback of the change from Autumn to Winter... then there's the being on public transportation, smoking, not drinking though, thank you. Well, I'm not the perfect model of heath. I was beginning make Christmas cards. Feels so silly... and this day in age I don't know who celebrates Christmas or some pagan-naked-lady religion. Maybe we should combine the two and everyone will be happy.
But I don't want wild mood swings! I had a test today in Math. I was so sure I had most of the material figured out, but (what did I expect, really?) all of the things I had really etched in my brain were not on it! So, there is a sense of anxiety and, well, dare I say it (?) sadness. I really fear failing the class and having to make it up. Ugh. To my credit (sort of), what started the ball of unhappiness rolling was an article in the paper this weekend. Apparently plasma donation sites in China are taking people's blood, pooling it together, extracting the plasma, and injecting it back into the people. I know, I am not from China, I don't have AIDS (though I did donate plasma twice.... until they stuck me with the needle all the way through my vein and bruised me for a week or so)... and I understand that the world is just cruel and horrible and all that.... but ... how could someone kill their own people in whatever sick denial/repression scheme they have going on? AIDS exists, I'm pretty sure of it. So, basically, while my sadness is indeed multi-faceted... I blame China. Thanksgiving was a riot. OK, there couldn't be a bigger lie. Is it wrong to really seriously despise members of one's family? 'Cos I do. Truly. But I had fun flaunting my relatively new labret piercing and drinking hard cider. I guess that was fun, I don't know anymore. I'm getting too old. Certainly too old to get my jollies from drinking in front of my family and trying to get them to wrap their brains around new perspectives. But, not all is dysfunction and murder, I am going to have Winter Break in about one week! Then the proverbial angels will rejoice and... well... I think I will, too.
Finals week. I am in such great physical pain, it's almost difficult to put into words. Some of you won't want to know this, but I am having a cramp attack of the "God punishing me for not bearing children" variety. I mean, pain. To add insult to injury (or to add injury to insult, I'll have to think about that) a couple of hours ago, in my room, sober and straight, I lost my balance and fell. Onto a cereal bowl. I think I still have bits of ceramic in my leg. I'm really waiting for tomorrow, when the ache will come in, my legs, my arms, my ... uterus. I never really considered myself a masochist. Well, not that much of one anyway. I really should be trying to study, to the best of my ability in my present condition. I still have papers to write. But I know how to get things done at the last minute. School has actually helped the effort. I simply must to somewhat well, pass math (I know it's like the central theme here), and get ready for an easy and, well, somewhat fun term. One day on, one day off, biology, social science, and philosophy... I mean, besides wanting to avoid a minimum wage job, these are the reasons I go! Oh and to partake of drinking again, maybe more... These things I've been denying myself, for better or worse. Seems like I get into just as much trouble without them, just not academically.
Whew! Finals are over and despite my "barely passing math" I did pretty well if I do say so. Damn Math!! I could have a 4.0!!! It's ok, I still have a long way down before I rag on myself for my GPA. I thought I would go on probation with financial aid, but even that crisis is avoided. My health was improving, but a couple of days ago I felt virus sick, as opposed to girl and injury sick. Blast. Can I please have one day? My purple-green bruise has gone away, however at this hour I'm struck with a headache. I'm trying to get some things together for Christmas. We are having some sort of get-together for my mom's side of the family. With one incarcerated, one out of state, and the other four girls (including Mum) actively seeking victimization roles to put themselves into along with a glass of wine, or Jack, or whatever the hell.... (Yeah, I never really liked whiskey myself...) this will be one to remember, as they always seem to be. I'm lucky in that I don't have to see Dad's side of the family, the critical, workaholic, narrow and straight. I don't really mind that they are they way they are. It creates diversity in my little unit and could potentially give me something to aspire up to... I might, if I didn't feel forced into doing so. Give me some life, some imagination, anything, over that drab greyscape that leads back to factory work. It's all so desolate for me right now anyway... why feel such guilt for simply striving to be true to myself? Hey, doesn't matter, I am taking the year off. Except for some words that my grandmother said, which I am still debating whether or not I overreacted to. It's fun getting things ready for the Crazies, anyway. Baking fattening cookies no one should be eating. This year, so far, I've commited to pumpkin pies, sugar cookies (a ton), chocolate almond biscotti, and other various treats. I'm really looking forward to the domestication. And the empty house to bake in. Oh, I long for some other secret life, where I marry some kind, fabulous man, and have his pretty children. It's just too early for this. Haven't even completed a year of fracking community college. I thought I was so secure in my identity, but it's changing in leaps and bounds... I can see myself in so many different ways, yet going in the same general direction. Used to be so black-and-white. I will have all I long for, I must. I have tiny disco ball ornaments. :)
Severe stomach problems.. too much sugar? Did I catch Mom's illness? Managed to cook a couple of things today; cleaned nothing. I am going to treat myself to a burger somewhere tomorrow if I can find something walkable (Christmas Eve after all). Eating Krispy Treats and chocolate from biscotti (managed to make both of those things today). Ugh, really don't feel well. I'm hoping it will go away. I really should promise myself to take it easy the next couple of days, eat food that I won't have an adverse reaction. I swear around the holidays I get to feeling so gross. A busy day tomorrow. The remainder of my cookies and the two pumpkin pies. Then off to my father's house. Right now I feel like going to bed, eating salad. Having a beer. Hope everyone's holiday season is great, safe, and joyful. I'll be working on mine. In the meantime, I am going to lie down and hope that my health problems will all iron out. Was it the coffee I drank? The biscotti batter... hmmm.. seems like that could be the one. Too much egg, and sugar and flour. And a host of other things, unfortunately? All right, I'll be going now. Don't drink and drive! (Drink and ride the bus).
Still not feeling completely up to par physically. I'm glad to have this holiday over. Now the task is securing New Year plans that don't include the company of my parents. Yikes. Yesterday was somewhat entertaining, somewhat boring, lots of hard work. I try hard to be a decent hostess, but haven't exactly cornered the market. Most of the time I spend with family I'm thinking "I'm glad you're not my parent" or "Don't you wish you were my parent?" Blarg. The great majority of great things go unnoticed or less appreciated than we envision. I got a few strokes for my hard work and creativity, that was nice to hear. At this rate I would almost forsake the art of making things for people to just work some repetitive job and pay for people's damned gifts. I reek of different oils, lotions, and sugar. However, I am not complaining... waiting to fall right to sleep. My only wish is that I had a healthy, whole, soft bed to dream on. I have chocolate for days now... after all that baking (most of which remains in my kitchen), I have a medium sized gift bag stuffed with candy. Even the waxy Santas that mom buys for no apparent reason, which could cause great injury if dropped on a foot. I'm sure they only weigh ounces, but they certainly feel like pounds! Was I going to lose weight??? Well, trying to think of something clever in closing. Sorry, brain has been officially abandoned for the evening!
Well! It's a new year, isn't it? I'm snotty (literally) and pained somewhat. Don't know why but I'm drinking iced coffee (mocha almond sort of thing). Getting pretty tweaked out, up earlier than I have been lately. My time for leisure is coming to an end. Just when I was beginning to become somewhat social and productive in my old ways. I've been using real materials to create things with my hands. Hopefully this next term I'll be able to better blend self-expression and discipline. I'm thinking that studying philosophy will help expand my brain and think again in certain terms. Another thing that I realized in my time off from school... I enjoy philosophy but can't envision myself getting a degree in it. And so it is psychology and all of it's trimmings. I'm sure this is just ever so interesting to everyone. Anyway, what I was trying to get at is that through my education I find that I actually have more to work with (figuratively). I can write about things that I know about now, with accuracy. I can consider myself even more proficient in English and grammar. I can even spell somewhat better. So, foreward bound, knowing at the very least what I'm interested in, even if I don't know where I'm going to be living. I fear getting the boot! Which really irritates me, but that's another story that I actually must use real paper and a red pen for. OK, well, all is OK.
For some reason I've been neglecting getting online even though a couple of my classes require it. I don't know, my bedroom is just so much cozier. But now there is something that I must write and share the experience of, so many things to thing about in just this simple lab in Biology. Dissection. Yes, the blasted dissection which is supposedly (ok, probably) going to help me remember where vital organs are. Even though I do have a perfectly good picture in my textbook. I've always feared dissection. I remember watching television and seeing it as a concept in some sitcoms early on in life. I was always terrified, no matter what they were examining. In middle school, we dissected a segmented worm. We might have done more, but I only showed up three days out of five so who the hell knows what I missed? On top of this all, I'm a huge Morrissey fan and I do feel guilty when I eat meat. Very rarely, and I'm sure it's true for most people, do I think of the cow I'm eating when I have a cheeseburger. I went off of meat when I was sixteen, and turned grey because I didn't make wise decisions otherwise. So, yeah, there's some background. Since the lab, everytime I think about eating meat, and sometimes when I eat things that aren't even a product of animals, I see the fetal pig. Ironically, the image isn't even after it's been cut. It's just this frail, shrivled little pink pig, with one eye open and one eye closed. And so the argument against the dissection is, of course, that a poor pig is dead. To soothe our pangs, the teacher explains where the pigs come from. Farmers, to make more money on a per-pound charge, will get their pigs pregnant before selling them to a butcher. Apparently the supply came even before the demand, as people involved in science came to the conclusion that studying a pig's organs would help students better understand their own bodies, and the whole bunch of organ systems in general. Well, this did put me the slightest bit at ease. But, the greater question still stands. Why do we, as human beings, progressive and potentially compassionate, create life simply to destroy it? This is what kept me from eating meat before, this is what is keeping me from doing it now. It's amazing how many jusitifications my family gave me for being meat eaters. Honestly, I didn't care! But I'm under the impression that I got a bigger reaction than I would if I said I was gay or a Muslim or even a whore. That was a strange string, eh? We have the capacity to have thousands of varieties of food any time of the year now. We won't starve if we don't kill our cow. Not anymore.
I'm sure it doesn't particularly matter to anyone, but I have a good excuse for not updating this 1: I wasn't aware it had been since January that I had last left an entry, 2: I actually have been attempting, but when I use Explorer I get booted off, and AOL wouldn't load it. I've given up my conspiracy theory on the AOL front, because it finally loaded which brings me right here. Nice. Today is officially the first day of Spring Break. I've spent the last several days feeling really ill; I even said to a friend that I must have been playing hooky for the rest of my life. Too many symptoms, too gross to go into detail. Let's just say I have had little control over my body and it's functions. I have something sweet to report... I have been reuinited with a preciousness that I let go of long ago. An actual person, not some figurative idea of preciousness. He took care of me Saturday night. There is truly nothing better than being taken care of when one is sick. I don't really remember getting that care from my mother exactly, though I am sure it surfaced at some point. Erg, but that is another situation and one I am trying to just forget all about (even though I do have to work on it). It's as simple as a fundamental difference... really how simple is that? Anyway, more good news on the school front, I managed to make A's again this term (but of course, I wasn't taking Math). I was somewhat worried about my philosophy classes, but apparently I worked it all out. Now is time for rest, but I just can't do it. I must continue to be active or I may stand to lose it forever. Ok not forever, but you know, being motivated is really difficult for me. At least, being motivated to do the things that may be my "duty", so to speak. I can create constantly, but going to some arbitrary place every day? Tsht, good luck. At least all is well right now, despite a few bangs and bruises from my lack of equilibrium.
Damnit I'm feeling slightly blue again. Even though I just dyed my hair and that's usually the remedy to all of my pangs... just seems arbitrary and mundane. It might be an effect of reading The Stranger, but I felt ok after that, all things considered. I know what it's not. It's not the easy excuse, at least not the standard. Today I spent money. All I wanted was more, more, more. I talked to my father, he helped a bit. Watched television, drank a Cherry Coke. Rode buses. Didn't do my homework... oops. But I have a system now. Lie and say you did it! Listened to Juliana Hatfield as loud as possible (ok, not as loud as possible, I like to exaggerate). Um, what else to say? Maybe this is the crash from being too happy yesterday. Yet at the same time, yesterday I felt as though I was wearing a mask. I'm becoming more extroverted, a goal of mine, but sometimes I want to go back on it; like I don't know how to do it right. I'm critical and sort of turning bitchy with my classmates. I haven't been there very long and I'm already acting like a big fish. But at the same time I simply can't go through life as shy as I generally have been, that's not any healthier. Where is the ever loving balance? Sometimes I think education just helps the proliferation of social ineptitude. Sometimes I think it does the opposite. At any rate, at this moment in time I am really questioning whether I like this direction or if this direction is more like other directions than I thought. At least there will be hairdye and cigarettes wherever I go, unless I get pregnant, and that's a tangent I don't have the energy to go on right now. Other things I could report on are, if you can believe it after all of that, too personal. Maybe that's not the correct term. Maybe I'm too self-absorbed or too self-depricating. Strange to think how easily the two co-exsist. Hmmmm..... now that, my friends, is something to contemplate.
Slightly better as far as disposition. Just feels like something is awry generally, somthing is out of sync. I must abandon another one of my Geocities conspiracies. I could never load the program I use from their website to update this beautiful fluid journal at my school. Yet here I am, with time to kill, and I figured it would be beneficial to try to update without the fear that I might freeze up at any minute (ok, not me, my computer). Anyway, so they aren't all out to get me, at least on that point. And today I found out that even less people are out there to get me. What was out of sync might have just been the effects of femininity. Speaking of, I am going to share something disgusting and horrific because ... well, I really have to get it off of my chest and I really don't think I could tell someone I actually know. It was just a dream, but a dream that has shaped every day that I've seen since. I had a dream I miscarried, and delivered the baby myself in my room. Now, I don't have blurry, forgettable, black-and-white dreams, oh no. I dream in vivid color, and being so damn over-emotional means that I remember the things that actually impacted me in my dreams. So, it's something I've been wrestling with. The meaning, I'm sure, has been documented somewhere, but .... I can't come to grips with it. It isn't haunting me though, I just really had to let it out. There isn't really a whole lot to report, but I found myself with so much time that coming here was the only thing that made sense. I'm sort of at my breaking point for going beyond what's necessary for school. I've deciced I put way too much into all of it and simultaneously let it dictate my sense of self worth, probably a little too much. Must... reform... and ... stop... with the ... geek.....ish......ness..........
I got some bad news today. A friend of mine has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Last week I found out my uncle was diagnosed with esophagus cancer, but it just didn't strike me the same way. Of course I don't want my uncle to pass away, but we've already seen him survive breast cancer of all things so I had/have faith that everything will work out for him. He's also slightly wealthy... on the other hand my friend is a recovering drug addict (clean for 2 years) on the Oregon Health Plan. And she's my friend. This is going to sound selfish, as some of the things I say tend to do, but... I just didn't think that I'd be in the phase of my life where my friends are diagnosed with cancer this early. And God, the omnipotent cruelty, He is who I prayed to and cursed this afternoon. I'm still trying to figure out what I believe; I teeter between agnosticism and atheism... but this really makes me question His presence in a multitude of ways. Just... why? Why war, famine, and disease? Why? Why would you operate that way? It's a miracle (semi-pun intended?) that I even managed to smear coal black makeup on my eyes today... crying through a veil of darkness, trying to make sense of it all. She doesn't deserve this pain and fear and the world does not deserve to lose her. "God has a plan and needs (her) in heaven." "To grieve is really sort of selfish." "We'll all see each other again someday." I call bullshit. I am not comforted. But did I ever go through the cycle today; it feels as though depression is just beginning to set in. After all, I had to put on a pretty face and smile most of the day, just to be cordial and not bum out the birthday girl. She kicks ass.
It just doesn't seem to be a lucky month, this April. It's really no wonder why it's the month of death and melancholy, usually combined. Right now in my social science class we're studying existentialism, and ... as much as I enjoy the topic, it does not alleviate the sadness, in fact, I think it might make it worse. I know it's the most horrible cliche, but it really feels like everyone knows something that I don't. Granted it's the antithesis to what I'm trying to learn. It seems like Sartre could give me comfort, but then he takes it away in one fell swoop, naming my ailments consecutively, through no contemplation of God.... forlornness, anguish, and despair. It just feels as though everyone is a vulture, and I'm not necessarily their prey but they can make me their prey if they damn well please. Everyone's biting at me, dying or disappearing and taking my fantasies with them. I refuse to believe that it all stems from the fact that my boyfriend hasn't called in what's coming close to a week with no notice... but that's what I keep coming back to in the realm of self-pity. Especially after the "we need to communicate" conversation? So I'm wondering if there is an emergency and my (again, pitiful!) brain has to wonder "Well, were you just going to let me wither away?" I do not appreciate being ignored nor so I enjoy waiting. But, I am trying to resist speculation (more difficult than I could imagine)... it's down to the little things going wrong as well... a lot of klutziness and strange inaccuracies, coincidences, and plain .... shite.
Our next mission is to find out whether May is as unlucky as April was. Two more unforseen events to report which managed to insert themselves into the month: my lover's absence was not due to his cruelty, but to an accident.... and my friend's mother died. Already sparking contemplative thought and creative action, the both of them. Meanwhile I am prevented from taking a shower with a faucet no one is willing to fix... and apparently an ailing water heater. I wash my hair in the kitchen sink and everyone in my household takes baths by plugging the drain in the bathtub and letting the drip water collect. I don't want to bathe in their essences, I won't even report what I found on my flesh, but let's just say I'm sure it wasn't mine and it comes from an area I like to pretend neither of them have. I am slightly projecting my anger of myself onto them, but it's well-founded. I may be upset with myself for thinking the worst and having difficulty hoping for the best, but it was in fact aided by my evil matriarch. And not even having access to one of the things that makes it worth living in a friecking developed country, sanitary bathing... well, what else do I have to concentrate on? Not school, I'm denying school as of now. I just don't understand the point nor can I concentrate on my work. My real drive is to go back to sleep, though I actually got a significant amount, finally.... guess I can thank the stars for that, at least.
Well so far, May has been a mixed bag. I've found hilarity where I thought I'd find pain, pain where I used to find fellowship, security in avenues where I am often insecure and vice versa, had amazing outings with my family, and, well, was just forced to ponder so many different things. As for the first mentioned, I've been seeing my ex around town lately. I was scared stiff for so many months, avoiding him at our mutual friends' house and other gatherings where we might see each other. And now? Well, every time I see him I laugh. It was all rather pointless, the sheer amount of sorrow I felt when he left me (heh, like I always do!). But in hindsight it was really more than anything, a suffering ego. And so I laugh. His new girlfriend looks like a cross between me and the woman that he left me to, whatever, get blowjobs from. And here I have someone whose only similarity to him is the hue of his haircolor... whose manhood physically and mentally are so superior... someone a little less, I dunno, passive agressive and psychotic? Self-obsessed? I do fear having to see him more often in passing, perhaps the humor I find in the situation now will wane, perhaps I'll feel really saucy one day and yell a few expletives at him... if ever we had to take a class together, Lord strike me down!!! Where I found pain was my classroom, where a friend presented symptoms of a surgery seemingly gone awry. The pain of knowing another brilliant, sincere person is going through something which to the rest of us is simply unthinkable, insurmountable. It was as though she suddenly aged 50 years, as though God himself wanted to make an example out of someone, anyone. Her crime? Using sarcasm to a fault? Having children early? Just what did she do that was so damn depraved? And without delving deeply into her personal history I know that, like so many others, she is simply a victim of what Camus calls "the gentle indifference of the universe." Indeed, my quest for meaning and order may be completely in vain. That doesn't, for some reason, keep me from searching. Oh to be carefree, even optimistic.... in my greatest moments I can't say I've ever been completely free of worry, guilt, reflection, contemplation. Yet I'm still not so sure that I envy those that are, after all, the possibility of all of the horrible things they've participated in could creep up at any time, all at once. I'll take my guilt and worry in increments, please.
Rewriting my hypothesis. No month is inherently anything, not even one's birth month. It's all that blasted fusion, sometimes I wonder if even I can tell the difference between the good times and the bad times. They simply co-exist, like good and evil forces, like the white and blue of a sky dotted with clouds, like people packed in cubicles. Today was another roller coaster, but then again, perhaps I am letting everything affect me too deeply. I spoke to someone who was sort of the center of my social life (whether he realizes it or not) a few years ago. It was quite nice, really, reflecting on old times, catching up on new, and re-inviting ourselves into each others' lives. Then I get an update on the condition of the friend mentioned in my last entry. What seemed to be more or less a slight annoyance and barrier between her and her normal life is apparently worse: she's in the hospital. Why must everyone thrive in such sterility? Disease, indeed. For some reason I had this fantasy that she'd just pull out of it, no worse for the wear. So much for positive thinking. There is such desperation in my soul right now, and it's so different from the desperation of old. I can't simply act out anymore, I must face the demons, win them over and obliterate them. Yet I have such trouble understanding the chaos we call life. I am a victim of the mentality that you reap what you sow. So much more true when you're a whore or just a horrible person who wakes up to find no one likes you. Last night I was held to insomnia, contemplating the future. Speaking of futility. I am just not so sure I can do what I feel is necessary. I just want to shake everyone out of their problems, not bloody help them justify their idiocy or blame their family for all of it. I want to create, to feel and not require apathy to do my job. I am cancelling my subscription to AOL today, so I might be scarce in presence soon, then again I might get access rather quickly, so I might also be lying.
So you caught me. I have been perfectly able to update this diary, at any location it seems, including my house and the school. I have slightly nervous and, well, almost overloaded with credits I am taking another Math class and Intensive Spanish. My big news is that I have started seeing my high school sweetheart again and we have all but commited to... well, we're commited. I've often said that the feelings surrounding new relationships are new feelings, but these feelings eclipse ALL feelings. The colors of my life are amazing now, though not everything is baby blue. I do feel as overwhelmed as always but my pseudo-perfectionist nature has found it's place. I simply want to get out of there! Credits matter more than grades, I will eat my pride whole if it means I don't have to be so anal retentive about when and what is due. It's not my only source of esteem and it's not the only thing that is encompassing my life. I have these plans for the future, but they're truly more than plans now. Today I had a final in Spanish (the classes are basically two and a half months of class in two and a half weeks). I am optimistic, but how freeing to feel the importance slightly stripped. I will never say "I only want to get a 'C' in this class", but if it happens I actually WON'T have to commit suicide! I never put much stock in the idea of "soulmates", but this is the closest I'm sure that one can come to it. He's the first and I'm quite convinced the last. Too perfect to give up. I should save the sweet things for him alone, though!!! Don't want to give y'all cavities!
So I do have internet access at home still but there's a new predicament: apparently a broken keyboard. I don't know how or why but the damn thing doesn't work and I am too wrapped up in blankets of stress to make any progress in that direction. I need to get out of school, even just for my tiny break, as soon as possible. It's like I just never stopped going; like I never even dropped out of high school and had my obligatory four... five... years off. I just breathe acedemia and I am still not so sure this is what my life should be amounting to. I have my dear love and he helps so much... but there is something so plainly wrong with the amount of hatred (and apathy if you can imagine) I am beginning to bring to the world. I swear I'm envious of everybody, of people who work even harder than I do. I'm not so sure I've ever challenged myself the way that I am doing now. I am not thriving on it, I'm beating myself up about it. But I don't think I am beyond redemption if this term will just f-ing END! I really haven't been a normal human being since this whole thing started. What to do? I can't report on a life separated from this pseudo hell, but there is one and it's a lot happier than the facsimilie of a life I had before everything changed. I just can't believe how unmotivated I am, but like always it seems, it could be the hormones talking. I am literally waiting for my ovaries to burst; I feel the pangs already it might as well be full-blown. At least it wasn't in the middle of my third (yes, the third) midterm for Spanish. Ohh, next week will be one to celebrate, what when I am able to be alone with my thoughts and my material attachments. All I wish is that I could be a working artist. School doesn't necessarily facilitate that desire. I just don't know what I'm doing here sometimes and it makes me wonder if I ever really knew. Oh, routine IS torture!!!!!!
Finally on my Summer vacation. Already I've been catapulted into a sort of depression, especially after my birthday. I was ready for some well-deserved rest until, a week after finals, just how much I deserved that rest was called into question. I had a birthday. I had a birthday of (save for the company of Chris) horror, dismay, and general ugly things. Well, the pizza was OK. And the iced tea, well, that's always some form of a treat. All in all, my mother has turned out to be more evil than I ever gave her credit for, as well as her man, whom has decided that now it is his stepfatherly responsibility to make me feel as insignificant as a tick. Or maybe a flea. I've never felt so slandered and, well, almost violated. She didn't even remember how old I was. The real traumatic thing is that she is, in all probability, under the impression that her conduct was fine. I'd rather she have completely forgotten it altogether, at least I wouldn't have had to have had that night in her company. I still haven't cashed her check, and a huge part of me doesn't want to. I'd rather have hard labor than live off of her. I don't want to eat her food, I've long stopped cooking at home when they're here, I hardly want to use the electricity my desktop slurps up, or tie up the phone line, or put a dish in the wrong place... I only wish that it were easier for me to be employed and a student, therefore releasing myself from her vicious cycle. They've completely dashed my enthusiasm for all that I accomplished over the summer, three "A"'s in Spanish, a Pass in Math... mostly done on a schedule of less sleep than I got when I actually wanted to stay up all night. I busted my ass, to be frank, I made my boyfriend miserable with all of my stress, made way more non-commital commitments than I ever allow myself to make, worked and worked and got depressed about how much more I could have done, when obviously I was doing something at least partially right. Here these sweeties try to make me feel better about it and all I can do is cling to her words. I know I'll never impress her enough, I know the next time she'll need me is when the asshole is beating her up, I know that she is really ill, but I heve never been able to completely deny her capability of at least uncovering the benefits of compassion. My sister has, and for a while I gave her so much grief about how her relationship with our mother has lapsed, but I completely understand why in this situation and the only thing it really makes me feel is disappointed that I wasn't old enough to get the shaft the first time. I wish that I had seen the pattern unfold before me so that I could've saved the energy I've been spending lately trying to be in her life. I'm just so convinced that there is some form of sweetness behind the sour, empty person she has shown me so many times to be. I should just leave it at her being a mentally ill alcoholic, but labels mean so little when you have another name for someone like that, and it's mom or brother or best friend or friecking enemy. I do remember her trying and trying hard at that, but alas, it's never lasted so long. Obviously the experience has touched me greatly, I should save the rest for angry scrawls in a notebook. I did have a nice birthday party with the other side of my family the Sunday afterward, but that fed into my realization that I want to be as far removed from here as possible.
Happy Birthday!!!!
It's almost as if I have nothing and everything in my vocabulary to say. It feels as though I've been talking all day. Today was better than yesterday, when Mom's only concern was her man's missing watch (because of course my friends and I are in the market for Harley Davidson watches). I'm not concerned with what she was concerned with today because... well, no accusations were made outright. Yet there is unrest. My relationship is suffering, partially due to this situation and partially due to either a) my really being a stubborn bitch, or b) my boyfriend's way of semi-attacking me when he wants to make a point. Some of the things he said tonight killed, and I know that much of it is for fear of me severing all ties to my mother. (There's a "c", too, but that's just too much to get into right now.) I feel better in some respects because I do feel more secure in at least telling her how unwelcome I feel here, but I don't think some of that was even remotely necessary. We have coping differences, this is for sure, but I can't seem to get through to him how difficult this situation is. I know he knows how much work is involved, how little involement she's willing to make, but somehow it feels like he's being at least slightly naive about it all. I've worked and worked with her for years now, and I'm really getting to the point where I feel I've wasted my time. If people can't treat others decently, they shouldn't get a million chances thrown their way to do so. Maybe that's me being bitter, but here I've let my life be dictated by her for so long... to have her be so apathetic, to me, is proof positive that she's a lost cause. I know that he's way more tolerant than I am of the cruel and depraved, but I wonder if he believes that anyone's beyond hope, or at least beyond help? Then there's that little "c" item, creeping back into the mix. I want to be tolerant (sometimes) of more than I am, but then again, I run the risk of being a pushover, constantly. Now to be "assertive". I used to be, really... but lately I don't have the fucking energy! I'd just as soon be hit by very many big, green monster trucks. I don't feel like being here, OK? Apparently not OK.
I haven't been too together lately. It's almost as if the pressure of school has ebbed enough for me to make me somewhat lazy. Or maybe I've decided to let myself crack a little bit. I feel like I've been descending, receding into myself slightly. I really miss having a mix of like-minded, like-majored people around me. I'm taking essentially the same battery of classes, between psych and philosophy and math, but there are a few people I seemed to run into often enough. This has been one hell of a week, I'm glad it's over. I started feeling sick on Wednesday, with a while ton of symptoms that didn't seem to mesh quite well. Vomiting and a sore throat? Not a fun day off. Then the bleeding, premature as ever (I'm glad I don't have to worry about late periods, but at this rate I'm going to be bleeding every two weeks). I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow, which I was fine with until yesterday I heard some war stories that revved up my anxiety. Blast. I guess it IS surgery and all... I'm just inbetween pretending to be superwoman and someone who lacks the capacity to accomplish anything. I'm not particularly feeling anything at all right now except for lethargy. And I have so much work to do. I've managed to see most everything as constructive, including sleeping. I can't believe I've harvested some apathy. It took help, mind you. I wish I could make some music or take a really long bath. Hmm. I'm just really excited for tomorrow for some reason, ready to break all the rules and get dry socket. Ready ... SO ready.... to go back to sleep. Especially all day tomorrow. But, yeah, I think I'm ready to try some more college algebra and read the mounting mounds of stuff I have to read. Thought I had a particular thought to air, but it sounds like I'm running out of them. Hope that I can actually get off my ass and do something... which would also require ass-sitting. Pltht.
What the hell was today, anyway? I don't know, but, since I don't want it to end, I'm turning it into tomorrow! Yes, the all-nighter is very much in this little girl's vocabulary. Now how to capitalize on the fact that I'm awake enough to do homework... hmm, yeah, 'cos, that's, like, my message board e-mail checking time... mmmkay? Son of a bitch, I swear I tried. But I can't help but be a little unnerved. I read "Siddhartha" today, and I have to admit, I was not 100% impressed. I guess I had it above most other literature in my mind. But now, save for the fact that it was a must-read for college credit (essay impending, I love you Don!), I really wish that I had it still, an elevated piece, something (completely) undiscovered. I don't know how I romanticized it, I don't know why it didn't "fit", but I didn't feel as enlightened as my counterparts seemed to feel after reading it at all. In fact, it's all rather depressing. Some guy decides to leave his dad, goes the holy way until he meets a nice prostitute, makes money to please/purchase said prostitute, unknowingly impregnates her the last time they screw, she comes to where he is eventually, after he left the life she helped create. Then she is dead, then the son is still there. So Siddhartha is all, like "I want to help the boy fulfill a spiritual quest". But the boy HAS NO SPIRITUAL QUEST. So he runs away, then Siddhartha looks for him to no avail, decides that's best, and lets his friend kiss his forehead. EXCUSE ME?! WHAT!? Give me back my five dollars! And to think that this story supposedly made sense out of the relationship between a classmate and thier child!!! How truly I am disappointed by both, now. I'm also reeling from the anti-nausea medication I am required to take before my pain meds. If I didn't go and type so much about Siddhartha I might tell you more about the deep pain involved not so much in getting teeth removed per se, but these blasted disintegrating stitches. Obviously nothing can (should) be done to remove them prematurely. That's what I keep telling myself, at least. I am, unfortunately, already at wit's end, and I don't see salvation nearing at all. It's just too bad for me, I guess... I just wish I could remember a time when it was all easy, and really, I can't.
Not a whole lot going on these days. Still in love, trying to figure out how much effort to put into my schoolwork. I don't feel particularly healthy, in any sense of the word, but I'm trying to plug away. I feel a dire need to get out of my house and actually physically live with Chris. I'm having a hard time adjusting, still, and having problems understanding the situation. More pathetic drama has been unfolding in this house. Seems the honeymoon phase is indeed over for the blokes. Then again, I never know when they're angry or drunk anymore, all I know is that I cannot possibly extend myself further without feeling like a complete push-over. I've started to lose my temper at her when prompted, and I'm not necessarily proud of that, but in any given relationship, I can only serve cruelty with indifference and a helping heart for so long. Hence the need for distance. I mean, I am too old to be here, but I really think that it's possible for everyone to live slightly harmoniously while I still am. I'm finding it very difficult to be aware of the negative experiences I will inevitably be a part of before I enter them. So I just avoid them, and avoid the couple to point of which I end up appearing neurotic. C'est la vie. But, seriously.... I don't ask for excessive support, I just want to be treated humanely, which simply isn't happening here. So I guess it's time to take it to the next level, though I am so terribly scared. Both of us, I think (Chris and I), are veterans to the world of co-dependency. But he's been self-sufficient; I've only done that emotionally, and only really recently. I am compelled to say that our survival will be blessed, in the ways that we have been blessed. It really does seem that we have been given messages, our instincts are in fact guided.... It might be my optimistic side, or just sheer hope, but I really think that we're meant to make it; we just have to cooperate.
I'm not going to say anything particularly interesting in this entry so forgive me. I've been sort of melancholically apathetic lately, if such a thing is possible. Maybe I could be an existentialist. Hmmm. I'm *trying* to go back to school this week, but the weather will not relent. It started snowing Monday and the campus closed at 5, and now it's Wednesday evening and I haven't been to the campus since. There is a huge sheet of just ice on several inches of snow... I'm not so sure I've ever seen anything like it. I fell on my arse twice trying to get to the store, and am now suffering cut hands and one of the strangest and biggest blue bruises I've ever seen. My arm wants to fall off and I'm inclined to let it. But not all is bad, I guess. I'm still really happy with Christopher even though I find it terribly difficult to not worry about our future. It doesn't matter. (Not that our future doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if I worry about it, except for to me because it makes me write sentences like this in defense of my behavior.) So change doesn't happen overnight? I suppose not. Why do I feel like I could still be doing so much? I guess I'm doing more than I used to. I think I might hate winter. So stagnant. All everyone I know is doing is eating and sleeping, like hibernating bears. Here I am trying to break out of this cycle.... in winter. Maybe I hate myself! I don't feel like talking about pop culture, but I like this trend of depicting the wealthy and self-professed 'inept' people in America as bumbling but dramatic idiots. Wait. Wow I suppose I'm getting tired of something rather old. I just want to throw these fucking self-righteous, closed-minded attitudes away, for me and everyone. I want to be better, so badly. I think my desire is keeping it from manifesting. Every step backwards feels like 10 million. Yet somehow I really couldn't care less. Whatever. How liberating.
Please excuse the gap. I've been using other avenues for journal writing, and unfortunately have never been able to mesh them all together. I'm in a sad state on a gloomy day, feeling quite trapped. I guess it could do damage to really spew out all that I feel at this exact moment, but I'll try for tact above all else. I'm really not feeling it with Chis right now and am having troubles understanding where we stand. Last night his friends came over and we went to look at an apartment. Not knowing that this was even a happening, I was sort of confused and intimidated. After we were dropped off for our one-hour visit, I got very sad and even raised my voice in that vein, because I felt as though I was being bullied to sign on. The place is not as accessible by bus as I would like, and that in and of itself is a reason for me to not live there. I cannot hold to getting favors in order to prove my liberation. I cannot trust that "all will be taken care of". I simply can't, and moreover don't feel as though I should be made to. So it's now decided that I have no stake to claim (ie, won't be living there), but I have a whole different set of problems when it comes to Christopher. Last night he said he didn't want to be in the position of choosing between his friends and his girlfriend. I don't know exactly who that was directed at, but I took it personally, and if I was going to actually admit it's validity, well... I was not the one chosen. So now I'm stuck in this spot, where in the short term, clinical view everything seems to have worked out, yet I feel as though my voice is unheard, unwanted. His voice on the telephone today... I know I didn't give him much to work with, but he's constantly putting me in the position of ill-informed. I simply cannot invest interest in people that don't give me pertinent information. This had been a trend throughout my life. So I really have to get back and make my own happen, obviously. I've been giving up a lot so that we have time together, so that our relationship is maintained, and I thought he was on the same page. If he can't, at the very least, try to calm me, than why did I have to endure so many fucking amature psychology sessions with him? He singles out school as a reason that we don't get to see each other, yet also makes it evident that he wishes I would work. So I will do both, and he can have a happy time at his apartment. This is my next resolution. Get a job and maybe move to the dorms when I get to university. Not depend on him as the end-all-be-all of where I belong, because it's not working out that way. I can't get away from this feeling that he doesn't want to be around me, although I know it's a paranoid thought. I know that he'd prefer I bend and go live with him, but I'm holding resentment closely now. I have never felt as cast out as I did this morning. If he feels right making anyone feel that way.... then I should be doing a Kurt Cobain. Nirvana, after all, is not of this world, and all I want to do is transcend. So, no, that is not an official threat of suicide, it's actually rather funny to me. I could stand to gain a little by doing what he and seemingly any man finds so necessary, being impulsive and assuming that any risk is worth the effort. I say there is a balance... but being so completely cautious isn't really supreme thinking, either... and on that note...
Today I worked hard and made a coordinated effort. Today Chris came to me in a car. A yellow one, of his very own. Today I think I smiled a lot, in contrast to the murkiness of yesterday. I will be breaking open my philosophy book, but for now I am reveling in the fact that my future is rapidly changing. I like it a lot. I am learning to deal with the rush, I was never a big fan of that. The ultimate goal is to be settled sometime soon and I am learing to "be a team player" as it were. I've always been too introverted to really allow others in my intimate plans. But there is just nothing to hide now. Really, I was kind of depressed last night and was feeling lost... I need to talk to my sweet boy. He really can be counted on, and he actually can help a multitude of people all at the same time. How could I doubt him, anyway? I'm tired and have another strange sleep schedule. I really do need to get back to work. It's just been difficult, with the math, but I'm sure I passed. I'm trying to get to the university. It's just so much all at once. Luckily after my final tomorrow I'm done for a week and a half. A lot of things to do, aort of squeezing them in. But that's really what I had my heart set on doing. I am not coming away completely unscathed.... my GPA is suffering slightly, and will suffer after this term, probably. Yikes. I don't feel too smart anymore anyway. I know I need a change of pace. And well, the promise of that is really concrete, in fact, it happened already. Just to spend every day in his arms, at least for a minute. How special. I'm starting to sicken myself. I am proud of making it through another two and a half months of classes, with the probability of getting out of there and out of here really, really close to 100%. It took a little planning and hardship, as it probably always will, but my faith keeps becoming renewed, as soon as I almost let it slip by...
Just not a good day today, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to get into detail, it's just silly. I guess I do feel excluded too easily, and sometimes Chris tries too hard to fix my pangs. I need a moment to reflect and lament the demands of the present moment before I can be asked for an honest expression. I need time to think, damn introversion! Trying not to create issues where there aren't none and point out the things that are.... issue-y. Everyone seems to require some eggshell-walking, and I am one of the worst offenders (defenders?!?!) in that situation. It just feels like the more I can cope with the more I get to. I guess that's God's work. Sylvia Plath said, "The more I do, the more I can do." Maybe I'm just taking more on because I feel capable of doing so. I feel it really necessary to prove my value and make the beginning steps of starting my own household. Or being a part of another household. Or recreating my old household. Whatever. I just want to have the whole experience now, and I don't want anything to get in my way since it's obvious that I'll have to wait. That sounds terrible to me, 'don't want anything to get in my way'. But, you know, there are those unsavory decisions which would be made which could close those doors for us. Arg, I feel alone, even though I know I am part of something greater. My term didn't go quite as badly as I thought it would, after all, I'm still on the honor roll. So I guess I could be worse off? I guess I could be. I still have faith in Chris and know that he'll make everything OK. We just have different realities, as two different people, and sometimes they don't mesh in the Ultimate Reality.
We've seen that already, and we do.
Today is the first day of Winter term. I am now at PSU, a married woman. Enrolled in psychology classes and living way too far from anything interesting, in the place I bitch about a few entries before. (Ironically, one roommate had to move out due to being chronically broke and inconsiderate). I made a very bad decision this term as far as timing this term-- I have to be downtown until 9 at night. But I don't care because I'm slowing figuring out how neccesary it is for me to be away from my home, what with the bachelor tone I cannot escape there. It's like I have to keep reminding Chris that w're married and there is a very finite amount of, say, fart humor, that doesn't go past the limit. So far my classes seem interesting and engaging. And dare I say somewhat easy. I don't feel like I belong here but like it's my default option for not belonging anywhere else. I got married for love, and for security in some realms, but really, only for love. Though I am married, (most peers here are happily single) I sure don't belong at Marylhurst. Don't ask where this came from, because I don't know myself, but I wish I knew my father-in-law a little better. Sometimes I just feel like we have so much more in common than either of us do with my mother-in-law or even my husband. Our faith is so impermanent, that is what separates us from them. I am willing to say God doesn't exist today... well, never really ready to say that, but open to exploring the option. Something has changed inside me lately. I long to live in the city. Maybe I'll put up a "Wanted" ad. God this place annoys. But now I'm used to this stupid suburban life where all we do is watch TV, get our work done, drink gin, buy screenboxes. Wait. Nevertheless we live like fat fifteen year old girls. Well shit I'm not too far off of that am I? Anyway, I am desperate now to live in the city. Not downtown, but not out where I can't catch a bus and when I can it's a half hour of walking to a given stop where I can catch a bus that will take me halfway to my destination. Then another, and sometimes, then another. Oh, it drains. So I must hit productivity paydirt again and try to find a decent apartment. Luck to wish me please.
Finally we have seen the end of the tunnel called our lease. Slated now to live in Sellwood, and I am more than excited. Right next to a bus, places to eat and drink and shop. I should be getting work done but lately I've been somewhat lax. This is an easier term, mostly because I am taking classes I should be "above" for all intensive purposes. But I have made some interesting mistakes in planning my academic career. I have to go to NoPo to drop off this deposit. I'm on the fence about how much responsibility I can muster. I really ought to do something more important than updating this journal. Way too much coffee already today. And now I seem to have incapacitated the computer I'm working on. Joy. I do so hate it when people stand about staring at everyone. I feel like trying to go back to sleep. Another benefit of moving, I will gain a few hours on my school days. So many more possiblities when it comes to planning my days. I'm terrified right now because of how much more together I should have everything. However, I am very proud of the one thing I did manage. Getting this apartment has really upped my self-esteem, being so used to getting graded and transferred all over here at school. It was like the personal connection one sometimes make when they interview for a job or public aid or something, and that is a skill I need to get back before it's too late. Tired of having to be so inordinately organized, adult, and practical. Then again I spend enough money on Burt's Bees to sink a ship. A ship full of Burt's Bees. Now that would be nice.
Really ought to go study or something interesting. I'm just so undecided about how I feel about things right now, which is rare. I'm angry/happy/sad every day. I love my school yet hate it here most of the time. I am extremely anxious about moving and just being a human being in general. Don't really know how to be social but becoming increasingly convinced that I am supposed to be that kind of creature. Looking into the past I realize that not only was there a crisis that would quell any ideas of being extroverted, yet I am also forced to identify those character traits that point to these things in the first place. Never fussy, I used to sing and dance all day. Suppose that when you get older and this has negative connotations it appears a more dramatic change. I don't do either now, often or well. Wishing to move so much. I have my own success in this whole situation. God, I don't want to rule my husband... but I have an easier time at guessing what's going to happen. So excited about the nearing end of winter, as the sunlight has done me pretty well. Perhaps I'll go grab a coffee. I'm trying desperately to get a hold of someone I dissed pretty bad. So sorry, world, that when you really need someone they aren't there. I wish I had a better comment of comfort than "Well it happens to all of us", but it does. I've been dissed and ditched in unhappy ways, too. Damnit now I am just trying to justify it. Blarg. I am not an infallible person but early this year the true meaning of that revealed itself to me. I am kind of a bitch in my own sense but not the type the world sees. I just freaked out and couldn't handle seeing you, your dad.... maybe the next person who'll come and save you. I'm so sorry about what I did; there is no excuse. Now I have to go because someone here at the public computer bank reeks of cigarettes and I am having a nic fit. Thanks Portland!
Moved most of our stuff to our apartment yesterday, with help (and furniture!) from my dad and stepmom. I really enjoy spending time with them. Both have such grace about themselves! And now I have the finest loveseat ever manufactured. Chris has been even happier than I thought he would be, and taking on some of the responsiblities that I thought might be mine alone forever (like talking to the Property Management). Last night he told me over and over how happy he was to live alone with me. It's not that we want to blacklist other people. I am sad and feel the need to jusify my decision in some respects. Not so sure everyone is adjusting as well as I had hoped, even me. I'm extremely happy about this new place save for one awful problem: the hair-clog-cemented-in-liquid-latex that resides in our bathtub drain. Oh, and the crappy Portland water.
But there is a statement that we make when we are more than willing, even happy, to flee. I'll surely miss the area I'm used to, but very excited to make a new home for ourselves in the city. Even though this was the plan I just can't help but feel like we're running out or something. We stayed for the whole lease, which is something I had to get talked into. We've been pretty clear about our plans and I've been pretty vocal about how much I hated being stranded in that god-awful apartment. Suppose I should save whoever finds themselves reading this. I never thought my life would change so much, so fast.
