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A woman gives birth to
a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you
something about your baby."
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" |
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A man is walking on the beach, and finds a bottle. He picks it
up, and dusts it off. A genie pops out and tells him that he has three wishes, but he
needs to be aware, that everything he wishes for, his ex-wife will get double. The man
says "OK, for my first wish, I want a million dollars. For my second wish, I want a
new red corvette. And for my third wish, I want you to scare me half to death!"
For Sale By Owner - Supposedly an actual ad from th New York Times ... |
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Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows
everything.
A married man goes
to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!" |
The perfect man is gentle |
 Three men are discussing how drunk they
all were the week before. The first man says, "I was so drunk last weekend that when
I drove home I blew chunks in the car. Then I blew chunks in the yard. I blew chunks in
the bathroom, and I even blew chunks in bed."The second man says, "Oh, that's nothing. Last week I was so drunk that when I drove home I parked my car in my neighbour's yard, knocked down his tree, and pissed all over myself in the process." The third man says, "I got you all beat. Last week I was so drunk that I met this girl, brought her home and made love to her in bed right next to my sleeping wife." The first man then says, "I don't think you all understand how drunk I really was, "Chunks" is my dog! |
 A Gentleman had a
serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but
found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and
with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said; "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He was about to pop, and would have promised
anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there,
savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white
buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and
"PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR". Who would really
know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so
he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a
nice feeling came over him. |
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!" |
 A sweet little lady walks into a toy
factory where they are making Tickle Me Elmo toys, and applies for a job. Her manager
gives her the job description, and sends her off to work. After a few hours, one of her
co-workers runs into the manager's office, saying "She's nuts! She is slowing up the
whole assembly line. She's got hundreds of Elmos that she won't send through. Please come
and get her back to work for us." The manager walks out of his office to see what she
could possibly be doing to be holding up the line. He thought he had given her a very
simple task, and couldn't understand what the problem could be. When he arrives, he sees
that she is surrounded by hundreds of Elmos. She is taking each Elmo and sewing on two
little fuzzy balls in the crotch area. After thinking about it for a minute, the manager
looks at the other employees and starts to laugh. He takes the nice lady by the hand and
says "No, no, no, what I said was when each Elmo comes down the line, give it TWO
TEST TICKLES." |
 A husband
and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops
and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to HOLD me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. He says "Honey - I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to
explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a
Man." |
 A man
walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom
display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"The man matter-of-faculty replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for..." |
 On a transatlantic flight, a plane
passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when onewing is struck by lightning. One woman in loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane and screams, "I'm too young to die!" Twice more she wails, "I'm too young to die! I'm then gathers her courage and continues, "Well if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've HAD IT! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. All the passengers have forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman." He's gorgeous: Tall, well-built, with flowing black hair and dark blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Her lips part slightly. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches the trembling woman and extends his arm and holds his shirt out and whispers... "Iron this" |
 Bill
Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of
him, on the White House lawn, he sees, "The President Must Go!" written in urine
across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security
staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front lawn!
And they wrote it in urine! The person had to be standing right on the porch when he
did it! Where were you guys?!"The security guys stood silently and stared ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT!! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer
approached him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of
the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." |
| When
Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed.
You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess
after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to
you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again." |
 Ted was
excited about his new rifle, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and
shot it. There was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.The black bear said "You have two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Ted
decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, he recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There
was another tap on his shoulder. This time a grizzly bear stood beside him. |
| The mother-in-law stopped
unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and
stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. " I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing? he asked. "This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it." he replied. |
 Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the
refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
sandwich."The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have those kinds of problems, knock wood," and tapped her knuckles on the table. "Oh, there's someone at the door...I'll get it." |
| A man was in his front yard mowing
grass when his attractive female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mail box. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little
later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then
slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready
to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then
slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" |
| A little girl and her mother were
shopping.The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey,
women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl is frustrated.She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license.It's just like a report card, it tells you everything." The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are.You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." |
| A teacher was helping
her student with a math problem. She recited the following story : "There are
three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many
birds are left on the wire?" The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully. "No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?" "None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you
came up with that." |
I will be adding more jokes when I got time. Hope you enjoyed these! |
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Last Updated on May 7, 2001