One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" |
A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his mother
asking him to send her a current
photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that
he lives in a nudist colony, he
cuts a photo in half and sends her the
top part.
Later he receives another letter
asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother. The man cuts another
picture in half, but accidentally
sends the bottom half of the photo.
He is really worried when he realizes
that he sent the wrong half,
but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a
letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hair style......
it makes your nose look too short!"
|
If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad! Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay today! |
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart." |
An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home and the old man says "I bet you can't guess how old I am." The old woman says "Okay, unzip your pants." The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays around for a minute, she pulls her hand out and says "You're 89." The old man looks at her incredulously and asks "How did you know that?" The old woman says "You told me yesterday!" |
1. You're bald your entire life. |
Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsence and couldn't drive.
|
Bubba and Bubba Jr. were driving down an Arkansas back road drinkin' some Budweisers when they spotted a Police roadblock ahead.
Bubba Jr says: 'Dad, are we gonna get caught drinking and driving again?' Bubba pulls off the road and says: No, son. Finish your beer, peel off the label and stick it on your forehead, stash the bottle under the seat and I'll do the talkin'
They pull up to the roadblock and are stopped, the officer asks 'You boyz been drinkin?'
No, Bubba says, we're on the patch!
|
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
|
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," is the answer. "That sounds awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "Well, at first it's pretty uncomfortable," the second man reports. "You get the shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're going to sleep. How about you? How did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I was just positive my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her there, but she was alone, knitting. Then I ran down to the basement, but couldn't find anybody else there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack, keeled over, and died. Just like that." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
|
A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over."
And the doctor says, "That's impossible."
"No really!" she said, "Just look. When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts.
When I touch my leg, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, It hurts.
When I touch my chest, ouch!! It really hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blond, aren't
you?"
The woman smiles and says "Why yes, I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because, your finger is broken."
|
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some
reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband
asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have
cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on
Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I
gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
|
In her own eyes, Peggy was the most popular girl around.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
"Really ?" said her date, "And just how many men are you
intending to marry?"
|
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to
make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for
real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised
his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and
answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand
furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few
very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little
Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning,
my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good
Lord, are you still in there?!"
|
Two guys had grown up together since they were young. As fate would have it, one guy grew up being a total ladies' man, and the other guy became a total nerd. One summer day the nerd could stand it no longer. He asked his friend how he picked up all the chicks. His friend answered, "Just put a potato down your pants and parade up and down the beach, they'll just run to you." So the geek said, "Okay! I'll give it a try!" So the next day he put a potato in his pants and went down to a crowded beach loaded with chicks in bikinis. He saw his friend surrounded by girls as usual, but none came to him. All he got was a few weird stares from older men. Dismayed, he went home. The next day he went to his friend's house and told him his dramatic story. His friend shook his head and said, "Buddy, you were supposed to put the potato in the front!"
|
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra
and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She
entered an upscale department store and approached the
saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left
the store and proceeded to another department store where
she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try
at another department store in the mall, she had become
disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw
open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried
Clearasil?"
|
One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to
whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"
Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable.
"Of course you are!" she said, "and the best, too--I don't
know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
|
When a snobbish, frumpy high-society woman looked down her
nose at WC Fields and said, "You Sir, are drunk!"
He looked back at her and said, "And you Madam, are ugly, but
when I wake up in the morning, I'll be sober."
|
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a
lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're
going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after'
routine."
"The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted
to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be
here after I'm gone."
|
A turtle is mugged by three snails.
When asked by police to describe what happened, he replies,
"I don't know, it all happened so fast."
|
Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of a street
toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in
th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK, Ummmmm . . . five?"
|
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game
today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word
'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't
give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to
rain."
The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Little Johnny in the back. "Johnny?"
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my
sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to
their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."
|
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the
first time in her life. Having failed to understand what
was going on and being really frightened, she decided to
share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem
was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not
a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your
balls off!"
|
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to
pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups.
The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"
The guy says, "(hic) Yeah...(hic) could you please do (hic)
could you please do something to scare me?"
|
A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking
fountain in the park. |
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His
choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10
years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night,
the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his
employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the
one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the
two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got
a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack
off."
"Oh, jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."
|
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls
out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when
this pretty, young, co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes
off all of her clothes, and says, 'You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
|
I will be adding more jokes when I got time. Hope you enjoyed these! |
. [Anzo's Zone] . [Dog Lover's Section] . [VP Gallery] .
. [Quotes]. [Inspirations/Music&Lyrics] .
Last Updated on May 7, 2001