In guides to conversation, Light on Dark Corners; they turn this into an art form: "Beauty is never so lovely as when adorned with the smile, and conversation never sits easier upon us than when we know and then discharge ourselves in a sympony of laughter, which may not improperly be called the Chorus of Conversation."
Cultivate the supreme wisdom, which consists less in saying what ought to be said than not saying what ought not to be said. Often cultivate "flashes of silence"; it is the largest half of the conversation to listen well.
Listen to others patiently, especially the poor.
Sharp sayings are the evidence of low breeding.
Shun faultfinding and faultfinders. Never utter an uncomplimentary word against anyone.
Compliments delicately hinted and sincerely intended are a grace in conversation. Commendation of gifts and cleverness properly put are in good taste, but praise of beauty is offensive. Repeating kind expressions is proper. Compliments given in a joke may be gratefully received in earnest. The manner and tone are important parts of a compliment.
Avoid egotism. Don't talk of yourself, or of your friends, or of your deeds. Give no sign that you apprecaite your own merits.
Do not become a distributor of the small talk of a community. The smiles of your auditors, do not mean respect. Avoid giving the impression of one filled with 'suppressed egotism'
Never mention your own peculiarities; for culture destroys vanity. Avoid exaggeration. Do not be too positive. Do not talk to display oratory. Do not try to lead in conversation, looking around to enforce silence.
Lay aside affected silly etiquette for the natural dictates of the heart. Direct the conversation where others can join with you, and impart to you useful information. Avoid oddity. Eccentricity is shallow vanity. Be Modest. Be what you wish to seem. Avoid repeating a brilliant or clever saying.
Avoid telling many stories or repeating the same story more than once in the same company. Never treat anyone as if your wanted them to simply tell stories. People laugh and despise such a one. Never tell a course story. No wit or preface can make it excusable. Tell a story, if not at all, only as an illustration, and not for itself and tell it accurately.
Be careful in asking questions for the purpose of starting conversation or drawing out a person, not to be rude or intrusive.
Never take liberties by staring, or by any rudeness. Never infringe on any established regulations amoung strangers.
Do not always prove yourself to be the one in the right. The right will appear. You need only give it a chance. Avoid argument in conversation. It is discourteous to your host.
Cultivate paradoxes in conversation with your peers. The add interest to common-place matters. To strike the harmless faith of ordinary people in any public idol, is waste, but such a movement with those able to reply is better.
Never discourse upon your ailments. Never use words of the meaning or pronuciation you are uncertain. Never discuss your own or other people's domestic concerns.
Never prompt a slow speaker, as if you had all the ability. In conversing with a foreigner who may be learning our language, it is excusable to help him in some delicate way.
Never give advice unasked. Do not manifest impatience. Do not interrupt another when speaking. Do not find fault, though you may gently criticise. Do not appear to notice inaccuracies of speech in others.
Do not always commence a conversation by allusion to the weather.
Do not, when narrating an incident, continually say "you see" or "you know" (eh?)
Do not be absent-minded requiring the speaker to repeat what has been said so that you might understand. Do not try to force yourself into the confidence of others.
Do not use profanity, vulgar terms, words of double meaning, or language that will bring the blush to anyone. Do not allow yourself to speak ill of the absent one if it can be avoided. The day may come when some friend will be needed to defend you in your absence.
Do not speak with contempt and ridicule of a locality in which you are visiting. Try to find something that you can truthfully praise and commend; thus make yourself agreeable.
Do not make a pretense of gentility, or parade the fact that you are a descendant of a notable family. You must pass for just what you are, and judged on your own merit.
Do not conradict. In making a correction say "I beg your pardon, but I had the impression that it was so and so". Be carefully in contradicting since you may be wrong yourself.
Do not be unduly familiar; you will merit contempt if you are. Neither should you be dogmatic in your assertions, arrogating yourself to such consequences in your opinions.
Do not be too lavish in your praise of various members of your own family when speaking to strangers; the person to whom you are speaking may know some faults that you do not.
Do not feel it incumbent upon yourself to carry your point in the conversation. Should the person with whom you are conversing feel the same, your talk may lead into violent argument.
Do not try to pry into the private affairs of others by asking what their profits are, what things cost, whether Melissa ever had a beau and why Amarette never married. All these questions are extremely impertinent and are likely to meet with rebuke.
Do not whisper in company; do not engage in private conversation; do not speak a foreign language which the general company present may not understand, unless it is understood that the foreigner is unable to speak your language.
2. TRUE POLITENESS - The truest politeness comes of sincerity. It must be the outcome of the heart, or it will make no lasting impression; for no amount of polish can dispense with truthfulness. The natural character must be allowed to appear, freed of its angularities and asperities. Though politeness, in its best form, should resemble water-" best when clearest, most simple, and without taste "-yet genius in a man will always cover many defects of manner, and much will be excused to the strong and the original. Without genuineness and individuality, human life would lose much of its interest and variety, as well as its manliness and robustness of character.
3. PERSONALITY OF OTHERS - True politeness especially exhibits itself in regard for the personality of others. A man will respect the individuality of another if he wishes to be respected himself. He will have due regard for his views and opinions, even though they differ from his own. The well-mannered man pays a compliment to another, and sometimes even secures his respect by patiently listening to him. He is simply tolerant and forbearant, and refrains from judging harshly; and harsh judgments of others will almost invariably provoke harsh judgments of ourselves.
4. THE IMPOLITE - The impolite, impulsive man will however, sometimes rather lose his friend than his joke. He may surely be pronounced a very foolish person who secures another's hatred at the price of a moment's gratification It was a saying of Burnel, the engineer - himself one of the kindest-natured of men - that "spite and illnature are among the most expensive luxuries in life." Dr. Johnson once said: " Sir, a man has no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down."
6. DISREGARD OF OTHERS - Men may show their disregard to others in various impolite ways, as, for instance, by neglect of propriety in dress, by the absence of cleanliness, or by indulging in repulsive habits. The slovenly, dirty person, by rendering himself physically disagreeable, sets the tastes and feelings of others at defiance, and is rude and uncivil, only under another form.
7. THE BEST SCHOOL OF POLITENESS - The first and best school of politeness, as of character, is always the home, where woman is the teacher. The manners of society at large are but the reflex of the manners of our collective homes, neither better nor worse. Yet, with all the disadvantages of ungenial homes. men may practice self-culture of manner as of intellect, and learn by good examples to cultivate a graceful and agreeable behavior towards others. Most men are like so many gems in the rough, which need polishing by contact with other and better natures, to bring out their full beauty and lustre. Some have but one side polished, sufficient only to show the delicate graining of the interior; but to bring out the full qualities of the gem, needs the discipline of experience, and contact with the best examples of character in the intercourse of daily life.
8. CAPTIOUSNESS OF MANNER - While captiousness of manner, and the habit of disputing and contradicting every thing said, is chilling and repulsive, the opposite habit of assenting to, and sympathizing with, every statement made, or emotion expressed, is almost equally disagreeable. It is unmanly, and is felt to be dishonest. "It may seem difficult," says Richard Sharp, "to steer always between bluntness and plain dealing, between merited praises and lavishing indiscriminate flattery; but it is very easy good humor, kindheartedness, and perfect simplicity, being all that are exquisite to do what is right in the right way." At the same time many are impolite, not because they mean to be so, but because they are awkward, and perhaps know no better.
10. SELF FORGETFULNESS - True politeness is best evinced by self-forgetfulness, or self-denial in the interest of others. Mr. Garfield, the martyred president, was a gentleman of royal type. His friend, Col. Rockwell, says of him: "In the midst of his suffering he never forgets others. For instance, today he said to me, 'Rockwell, there is a poor soldier's widow who came to me before this thing occurred, and I promised her, she should be provided for. I want you to see that the matter is attended to at once.' He is the most docile patient I ever saw."
11. IT'S BRIGHT SIDE - We have thus far spoken of shyness as a defect. But there is another way of looking at it; for even shyness has its bright side, and contains an element of good. Shy men and shy races are ungraceful and undemonstrative, because, as regards society at large, they are comparatively unsociable. They do not possess those elegances of manner acquired by free intercourse, which distinguish the social races, because their tendency is to shun society rather than to seek it. They are shy in the presence of strangers, and shy even in their own families. They hide their affections under a robe of reserve, and when they do give way to their feelings, it is only in some very hidden inner chamber. And yet, the feelings are there, and not the less healthy and genuine, though they are not made the subject of exhibition to others.
12. WORTHY OF CULTIVATION - While, therefore, grace of manner, politeness of behavior, elegance of demeanor, and all the arts that contribute to make life pleasant and beautiful, are worthy of cultivation, it must not be at the expense of the more solid and enduring qualities of honesty, sinerity, aud truthfulness. The fountain of beauty must be in the heart more than in the eye, and if it does not tend to produce beautiful life and noble practice, it will prove of comparatively little avail. Politeness of manner is not worth much, unless it is accompanied by polite actions.
