|
|
|
|
 |
zpoetryman@yahoo.com
|
|
|
I Give Up, I Quit,
Just Let Me Go
It's hard to smile, it's hard to laugh
When the only thing worth laughing at
Is my miserable fucking life
Filled with nothing and drenched with fat
It's hard to see in the darkness
That surrounds me everywhere I go
I close my eyes and embrace death
For love's embrace I'll never know
It's hard to love without a heart
I gave mine away so long ago
Now she is someone elses wife
And I'm no one you'd want to know
It's hard to want without desire
I don't give a damn any more
I'd rather quit this empty life
And pass through Hades open door
It's hard to know what love is
When no one has ever loved me
Don't bother trying to save my life
A life not worth taking for free
It's impossible to save
Not even Jesus Christ can save me
From throwing away this waste of life
That has become my destiny
|
Tonight's The Night
I Want To Die
I am alone in my quiet life
My heart awaits this haunting knife
In my hand the blade still dry
Longs for the fate I can't deny
I've walked this road in the distant past
I want this time to be the last
This tangled web I can't untie
Trapped within my own sordid lie
There is a weight I cannot lift
My heavy heart's been lost adrift
My soul sinks deeper from the sky
Tonight's the night I want to die
|
Tired
I'm so fucking tired I just want to sleep
Tired of living and being alone
I'm so tired of feeling like this hole is too deep
Nothing is worth the rate on this loan
Where are you my love, where are you tonight
I'm shaking with fear that you're not alone
I can't take the pain, I give up the fight
I'm afraid I may die from fear of the unknown
But I'd rather not know, I'd much rather die
Than to find out you're happy and smiling
While looking in the eyes of another guy
Now my eyes are closing from hours of crying
This may very well be my last words to you
Everytime I try to see you, excuses are found
I'd rather die not knowing than find out it's true
Please come and visit, I'll still be lonely underground
A Heart Too Strong To Live
Love deals one last crushing blow
Time and time again my heart has given in
Although my mind always seems to know
It never tries to warn the pulsing orb within
After the collapse begins
My heart marches on like a proud warrior
To the battle that it never wins
With all its inner toughness, it feels inferior
While waging a silent war
No one around me can hear my raging heart
Not even she who I feel them for
Knows the stength of feelings that break the core apart
|
Nice Guys Rescued Last
Love is nothing, an unreal sensation
Lies told to create sinking ships of relation
But they relate only to those who paid for the cruise
Who believed head over heals in the titanic ruse
I have never seen so many fools fall
Didn't they see the scene with the ship standing tall?
Even those who were lucky to hold on for their lives
Drifted off freezing the heart of the one who survives
I wonder which fate is worse to be dealt
To be rescued but stripped of the passion once felt
Living for years, empty, lonely and wanting to die
Thinking that dying is better than living a lie
Flicker
There's no point in writing another rhyme
Or convincing myself of all my empty lies
My life past and present is one big waste of time
I can't see any reason for a thirty ninth reprise
No one really wants to sing that unhappy song
They just want some cake, I can see it in their eyes
The match is struck, now it's time to make a wish
I wish the same wish every year, when will I realize?
That like the candle left burning for too long
It's wick turns to ashes and the flame flickers till it dies
What's Living Inside Me
It isn't fair to expect you to fill my empty life
It isn't fair to want you to love me as my wife
It isn't fair to pretend you're not with another man
It isn't fair to keep hoping that he won't be the one
But I can't stop from feeling that life is never fair
It's never been even close
I've never had the chance to shair
I want this pain to go away
I don't want to live another day
Unless you tell me what I want you to say
But I don't want to hear it if you don't feel that way
I'd rather die than live that lie
I'd rather end my retched nights
I want to pull my plug and shut off all my lights
I want to die, I want to end this misery
I can't take anymore of what's living inside me
Faith In What I Don't Believe
God save me from myself before it's too late
Jesus heal my empty heart before I can't find your love
Stop me from deciding to change your plan for my fate
Give me a reason to live, please send a sign from above
There's too much past piled on top of me to rise up
I can't see anything in my future but more of my past
Tell me is the grail your blood or just an empty cup?
An empty cup filled with salvation from the meal you served last
Does any of it matter now that I have decided to die?
Where are you now, where are your footprints in the sand?
Or is it all a bunch of nice stories masking an elaborate lie?
Now I ponder to put my life in your hands or take it by my own hand
To find piece of mind would have helped a long time ago
But now the peace I seek is only for my heart
To put it's aching to rest, to gather up the pain and let go
For the life I neglected and allowed to fall apart
There's no one to blame but me, no guilt lies beyond my flesh
My weakness lies within where I let it take control
And everything I never did left my mind a mess
A state of mind reflected in the pooled tears of my lost soul
But there's no maid who's coming to my home to dust off my eyes
No one is coming to help me clean up the disaster I've become
And my sins will follow me to my grave, so many forgiveless lies
Confession may free may soul but none of them can be undone
So I have no doubts about why you have turned you back on me
God I don't blame you even if this was written in your list of things
to do
And now my only hope is to find faith in what I don't believe
Jesus where are you, where are you, where are you?
Back To The Egg
Except for receiving inspiration from the title, there really is no connection to the McCartney & Wings album/cd called 'Back To The Egg'. I'm not sure why Paul did not write a title song, as his albums usually had one. But for some reason he did not and I chose to write one at a time in my early 20's when I was contemplating suicide. I had written it with intentions of it being my suicide note. Obviously I did not follow through or you wouldn't be reading this. I wish I could tell you what kept me from doing the dreadful deed, but I truely don't know. It may have been fear of the unknown, or perhaps fear of knowing I would no longer exist. A guy who was a very close friend for many years killed himself and I often wonder what the difference between us was. He was an artist himself. I have thought about suicide on a few occasions as more than just a passing contemplation. There are a few other poems I wrote when the idea was very much a desire and there was nothing but hopelessness in my heart. I include them here because I do not wish to deny my weaknesses, but to understand them and perhaps discover the reason why I did not take my life on those occasions and possibly gain insight as to why he did. What makes one person cross the threshold and not another?
That leads me to the VanGogh connection. Artists of all types have been known to commit suicide at what seems to be a higher rate than that of non-artists. I wonder if this is true or if it is just more talked about. It could be that those who feel more deeply than others become drawn to art and because of their deeper feelings have more trouble coping with them. There could be many reasons, but I know for myself, my feelings can overwhelm me at times, and it is always that I am overwhelmed with them at times when I have considered suicide.
The painting at the top is "Starry Night" by Vincent VanGogh which is on display at the Museum Of Modern Art in NY City. It is an amazing thing to see in person and up close.
The painting just below that is Vangogh's "Wheatfields With Crows", one of his very last paintings done shortly before his death in July 1890.
The VanGogh self Portrait at the bottom of the page was painted in the Autum of 1886. Visit the VanGogh website and MOMA website listed in the Favorite links section on the lower right side of this page.
The midi music file playing in this page is "Vincent - Starry, Starry Night" by Don McLean, Music Corp of America & The Benny Bird Company Inc, BMI. The original is from the 1971 album "American Pie" on United Artists Records.
JJ
|
I Give Up, I Quit,
Just Let Me Go
Being lonely is bad enough, but being alone because someone you loved has left you for another person is as bad as it can get. It's not enough to prevent someone from expressing the love they feel inside. It's not enough to say you don't want them. It's not enough to break their heart, but to add insult to injury, tell them "I found someone better" may as well be attempted murder. But only attempted murder, because they fail to deal the fatal blow. Then they leave the dagger sticking out of your chest so you have something to finish the job with.
|
|
Tonight's The Night
I Want To Die
I think it's the first night that is the hardest to make it through. At least for me it was. The rage, the tears, the total despair all seem to come flooding in during the first night. It's impossible to sleep and your head hurts from being so tired, but the thought of the nightmares to follow are more than one can bare. Then after becoming so completely exhausted you pass out and don't go through the normal stages of sleep, which helps reduce the number of dreams your mind has. If love were not so powerful, it would be so much easier to let it go when it is no longer desired by another. But the feelings linger, even within the pain. Every thought is for the one you love and cannot have. Everything that happens makes you think of them, want them, love them and hate them. It seems like an endless rollar coaster ride. You want to scream around every twist and turn, then the world turns upside down and goes downhill. When the ride stops you want to get right back on again, but you can't afford another ticket. It's time to go home, but home is so empty and filled with memories.
|
|
Other pages on my web site. I am still reconstructing my old site so bare with me untill all the pages are complete.
|
|
My favorite websites.
|
|
Artificial Artists & Artists Are Lonely - Poetry Is Art
A Question Of Faith, The Great Unknown, Have You Heard The Word? - Poems Of Faith, or lack thereof
Quarter Life Crisis, The Family Way - Poems about Family
Self-Portrait, Blind To The Me Others See, Two Faced & Constantly Changing - Poems of the inner side of me
If Closets Could Talk, On Our Way Home - Poems of lost friendships & friends
Where Are You Going, I've Seen Where You've Been! - A few poems of broken love and rage
Unrequited Love, The Emptyness Within, You Miss Me, Do You?, I Want To Lie, Perfection Is Within & excerpts from love letters - Unrequited Love Is The Story Of My Life
Unrequited Love part 2 - Unrequited Love Is The Story Of My Life
Eye Of The Pirate, Heart Of A Thief, Daybreak & Last Love - A Pirate's Treasure
Chapter 3 : Swing Set, Fantasy Lovers - Back To The Main Adult Poetry Page
Let's Get Naughty, Let's Do It All Night Long, Off The Wall - A few naughty songs for Lisa
Expose Yourself (Mind Fux), Bar Fly & Just Say Yes - Poetry about strippers - Fawnia Mondey.
|
|
The Van Gogh Gallery - All of Vincent's art and many of his letters and biography are here.
The Museum Of Modern Art - MOMA - Where Vincent's "Starry Night" original painting is on display in NY City.
Don McLean's American Pie - This is the closest I can come to an official Don McLean website. It is a fan site, but is endorsed by and contributed to by Don McLean. The song "Vincent - Starry, Starry Night" was first released by McLean on the American Pie album.
My poetry site - I hope Talk City does not do what other web hosts have done and sell their homepages to some company that charges for personal sites. My soul will not rest if my poetry is taken for profit or hidden from anyone who might want to read it. I wrote it for free and I want it to be there for free forever.
JFJ
8/22/2001
http://
home.talkcity.com/
EaselSt/wz0zzz/FamilyUnTies.html
OK, it's even worse, less than a year after I wrote that, Talk City is gone. They sold their websites and the new owners went bankrupt. It's a long story, but it goes right along with the rest of my life. Let's hope GeoCities survives long after I'm gone.
8/18/2002
|
|
