Big-Eye Anatomy 101




Well hello dere! Prof. Vlad Tsepis here to give all you students of cryptozoology a quick overview of big-eye taxonomy. I'm sure some of you have seen one or two of these creatures skittering about in the bins of quirky curio shops, or climbing the walls of boho-type cafes. You might have even seen contemporary artists, such as Coop and Laurie, referencing the creatures on album covers and pop culture magazines. Most of you, however, are probably unaware that there are different species of big-eyed creatures. Others, yet, might believe these creatures to be extinct or even a myth such as the Gryphon or blow-monkey.'Well!', says I, a robust and heartfelt 'well!'

...um...I don't know where to go from here, actually. I suppose we should start with the first order...

The Keane

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Way down the in the evolutionary history of the big-eye species there are two early creatures we need to look at: the Margaret Keane and the Walter Keane. On the right( for those of you facing this way)is an example of a Margaret Keane. Notice the eyes. Sad and soulful, yes. Obnoxiously large and saucer shaped, no.We believe this to be the beginning of the line because the features are more subtle. Compare them with our next example...


...The Walter Keane. Related in name only, but notice how many details are similar. Notice the eyes of our specimen on stage left(for those of you in the front row).See how they're more accentuated, more round, more...more.. Well, big really. Notice how this trait is becoming more pronounced. Notice, too, the small creature against the alley wall.This is actually a close relative of the common house cat. We'll come back to them later, though. Let's continue down the evolutionary path to our next specimens of the second order...

...The second order is divided into two branches: The Lee and The Eve. First, let's take a look at...

The Lee

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Here we are once again in an alleyway. This seems to be the place to go if you're big-eyed and pathetic. Note, however, that the Lees have learned to domesticate the canine(picture opposite my right).This is, in fact, a close relative of the common house dog( we'll get back to this later). Looking at the eyes, we can see that the almond-like shape of the M.Keane is lost, and it is the saucer shape of the W.Keane that prevails. This leads us to believe that 'big round eye' is the dominant trait( you'll remember these terms from last month when we suffocated fruit flies in a stinky jar).
Well, somebody, somewhere along the line, got themselves a job and got out of the stinkin' alley way. Here are some Lees whoopin' it up in fine mod regalia. Now, when you're in a slum, no shoes,down on your luck, having big round eyes kinda gives you that sad-soulful, heart-tugging, pitiful look. When, however, you look fairly affluent and are dancing about, having saucer shaped eyes gives you that 'Children of the Damned' look. Not only are they not in an alleyway, they're not anywhere. They're just twisting in space.

The Eve

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Turning our attention, now, to the other branch of this order, we notice that the Eve skipped the 'alley' stage and headed straight to the disco. They've even learned how to play instuments(although they could only plug one in). The alley-era is officially over, and with it, any meaning or message the sad-eye trait of the early M. Keane had. Now reduced to a gimmick, the saucer shape eyes convey nothing more than "Hello, we are zombies". One trait you students should notice is the practice of the disco-era species to travel in a 'one blue eyed, one green eyed' pair.



...Now we'll take a look at the lower mammals(by this, I only mean that they're generally not as tall as humans).First up...

The Gig

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Here we have some fine examples of Canis-gigus and Felineicus-gigus.They were to be found sharing the alleyways with the early Keanes and Lees. Notice the sad soulful eyes that seem to say 'I have mange...put me to sleep'.
Compare these features with those of the Coby

These pampered pooches have the same saucer shaped eyes as those of the late Lees and Eves. These give the little zombie-pups a look that says 'I have rabies...come play with me'

Artifacts From Moppets Cave



They might have been accomplished musicians, but they were lousy with math. Even counting 'Go Go' as two, I still get 19. 		During one archeological dig, we stumbled upon what is now called Moppets Cave. We were amazed to find so many artifacts in such good shape. There was even a full wall painting still intact. What a fantastic glimpse into the lives of these creatures. This scene here must be a depiction of one of their fertility rituals(notice the proximity to the bed). They are in the middle of a Voo-Doo sex dance, or as they called it, Go-Go.


'Get Your Hands Off Me You Filthy Round-Eye'
Athough this doll, found in the cave, doesn't say 'mama', it does provide the link between the Alley Dwellers and the Disco Dwellers. We're still not sure if this was meant to be played with by children or scare children. Tests are still being done.
Here is an artist's conception of what these creature would have looked like in real life. Bones from the cave were used as a basis for these drawings. Unfortunately, no neck bones were found.

This later example here, is believed to be related to a creature known as the Beatnik. Several factors led to the extinction of this creature:
  • the realization that bongos are uncool and are not a musical instrument
  • pretending to be French didn't get the chicks
  • nobody wants to hear bad poetry at Starbucks





This smarmy thing here is known as a Kivatz. Notice the eyes are no longer big or soulful. They are actually soul-less. If the Devil were a teenager, this is what he would look like.


This here was not signed, but by the looks of the eyes we believe it to be a Kivats also. Now we know what happened to Rosemary's baby.


Well, that's it for now. Next week we will discuss the Harlequins of the Black Forest, the Maia's, who invented ballet.

Your assignment for this week is to identify the genus of this example here. I want a two page report on why you think so and why you bothered. No, spelling dosen't count (just look at what I wrote).

we will also be having a guest speaker who will discuss such findings as these.

Does the mysterious sex-cult of GO-GO still exist? Do these creatures still walk the earth or are they hanging out with Elvis in Big Foot's U.F.O. writting graffitti in cornfields?

We're not sure where this fits in, but you should do a little research here:
Lisa Petrucci
It seems to be related more to the race known as Kiddles, but that's a lesson for another day.


Students who wish to do further reading, might want to consult the following refferances: