Dear Dogs
When I say to move, it means go someplace
else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs
in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by
NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help, because
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than
a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping,
they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used
is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature
Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a
secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to
turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have
been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then
go smell the other dogs. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such
a simple change for you.
Rules for non-pet owners who visit
and like to complain about our pets.
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on
your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than
I like most people.
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's
an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They
eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.
The same applies to cats, except
they ignore you until you are asleep.
Author Unknown
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