Verbal self-defense
There are two kinds of actions that can influence us: ego-boosters and ego-busters. It’s been said it’s easy to avoid criticism: say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. But then… you wouldn’t want to do that would you? It would be a good idea to avoid those people who unnecessarily and viciously harm your self-esteem, but unfortunately this is not always possible so we have to fight back, to defend ourselves.
How to distinguish between genuine criticism and the more usual ego noises? Just count the adjectives. If somebody makes an inappropriate remark, they will usually defend themselves by saying ‘I was only kidding’. There is no such thing as “I was only kidding”! Putting up with something somebody does makes you just as responsible as they are.
You must react to a hostile remark immediately, or it might damage your self-esteem and you’ll keep thinking about it for days. Don’t keep things in. Speak out immediately: ‘Excuse me, can you explain what you meant by that?’
Watch for the way you have or don’t have: a good posture; solid walk; appropriate gaze; the right facial expression; appropriate gestures; good voice tone; relaxed attitude. If you can't figure out how you appear to others, solicit the opinions of those who are close to you and have your best interest at heart.
Open up! If you smile and make kind remarks your adversary will surely be less hostile. Have faith in people! If you show trust in others they are more likely to be trustworthy.
Do not start a conversation with: You never… Why don’t you ever… Why didn’t you… You'd better… Don’t you ever… You make me… How could you ever… do use nice words when talking to people you care about. Why? Because if you start in an aggressive way, they’ll start acting defensively and switch off, so they won't hear what you're saying and whatever’s been troubling you can't be dealt with or even talked about. There are a few other things that should be taken into account if you want to make sure you won’t cause defensiveness in others.
? Use description rather than evaluation. Use ‘I ‘language, pass judgments on facts only, not on people.
? Show flexibility and don’t try to control. An attempt to control (even if you have good intentions) will always cause defensiveness and a whole range of other negative feelings.
? Be spontaneous and don’t seem to be planning too much. This can be interpreted as manipulating. The result will be the same as for control.
? Show empathy rather than use cold logic. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, identify with them.
? Treat the other person as an equal and don’t be arrogant. It is easy to project an air of superiority when giving even a well-meaning and sincere advice. You must take extra care this doesn’t happen.
? Be open-minded and don’t try to be always right. You might have strong opinions, but you must be willing to listen and maybe change them in the future if the situation demands it.
Of course, before criticizing something, you must take into account the possibility that you misinterpreted the situation. It would be a good idea to use perception checking if in doubt: “When you slammed the door (behavior) I wasn’t sure if you were mad (first interpretation) or just in a hurry (second interpretation). How did you feel?(request for clarification)”
Suppose all your best intentions make no difference to the vicious verbal attacker bent on having a fight. What do you do?
First of all, when defending yourself against vicious verbal attackers, it’s important to practice Aikido. That is, rather than get angry and start acting like them, you should use their own negative energy against them. That’s what the Aikido fighting technique is all about. Here’s a couple of techniques to deal with vicious verbal attackers:
? The blank stare. Immediately stop what you were doing. Breathe in and relax your facial muscles. Stare; say nothing until the person starts acting defensively.
? The look of disgust. Same thing, say nothing, only wrinkle your nose and show disgust.
? Calm, calculated questioning. Calmly ask the person what he meant. Use yes/no questions. Start with an absurd question which will immediately trigger an ‘of course not’, then narrow down to the point.
? The naked truth strategy. This works best with people who care a lot about you. Calmly, honestly say how much you have been hurt.
? The joke’s on you. Say something even more outrageous than she did. Put on a fake big smile and say nothing.
? Agree. ‘Thanks for your concern, this is a fault I'm still working on’. The person is thrown off balance, as she can't fight with herself. Obviously this method is not suited to all situation or adversaries.
If the critic is someone close to you or his attack seems to be sensible, there’s a different strategy you should use. Firstly, ask for more information. What exactly is the problem? Is this so important? What else is wrong (maybe the real problem is somewhere else)? What does she suggest you must do to solve it? Use paraphrasing to make sure you've understood the criticism. Only then attempt to answer it. There’s a number of things to take into account. It is perfectly possible to accept the facts, but not the evaluation (‘It’s silly to get angry so easily’ – I might have got angry a bit easily, but I don’t think it is so silly). Or you can agree with the critic’s right to see thing this way, though not with the criticism itself (I can understand why you're mad, but it’s all been a misunderstanding).
There’s another type of people, the verbally dead. Their attack is hard to notice initially, but it is just as serious. These are cold and secretive people, they have the same reaction whether they like or dislike something. They seem to be hiding something or not to care. This might appear as a result of a traumatic childhood, when they developed a lack of trust and secrecy as a defensive strategy. Unfortunately, they’ve unnecessarily carried this into adult years (as adults they can face up to problems, there’s no need to sweep them under the carpet). The best way to deal with such people is to show more love and kindness than usual. Ask open questions, that can’t be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Then seem interested, let them know their opinion counts. Use the elaboration technique to keep them talking.
How NOT to deal with criticism. There are a number of defense mechanisms that can be activated when we perceive that our ‘self-image’ is being threatened; sometimes these are useful, but most of the time they become activated without our conscious awareness and hurt people and cause further misunderstanding. If this happens in a close relationship, it might cause serious trouble.
? Verbal aggression. “The best defense is a good offence” – attacking the critic.
? Rationalization. Invention of logical but untrue explanations for the behavior being criticized.
? Compensation. Shift the subject of conversation, emphasize strength in one area to cover up for weakness in another (often totally unrelated) area.
? Regression. Play helpless, say you ‘can't’ do something that it’s impossible, when in fact you don’t want to, or are afraid.
? Repression. Mentally block the unwelcome thought.
? Apathy. Pretend you don’t care.
? Displacement. Attack somebody else, to create the appearance of being in control.
