How ugly was she?"

How ugly was she? She was so ugly, dogs would bark and wolves would howl when she walked doon the street.
She was so ugly, mothers would cover their children's eyes.
Grass would turn broon and leaves would wither on the vine as she passed by.
She was a classsic two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your heed in case the bag over her heed comes off. She was ugly I'm tellin ya.
She was so ugly that in her family album, they only keep the negatives. Rest In peace, Rodney.
Anyway, pink pants gives us a smile and I smiled back politely and kept right on goin. Believe it or no, there is a time and place where Willie will draw a line in the sand and that girl was it. Fuckin hell! Somebody give me some bleach fer me eyes. So while I was tryin tae git over that shock ta me system, I happened tae spy Doreen hangin aboot a doorway. She didny look like she was workin so I parked me car doon the street, got oot and walked back towards her.
"How are yer doin, hen," I asked her, "would yer fancy comin fer a ride?" She was a wee bit reluctant but agree nonetheless. I took her back tae the shed. Once indoors there was some touchy-feely stuff then off came me coveralls. She was fine with a 30 dollar blowjob but sometimes a man likes tae feel a woman's pins wrapped aboot his waist. I bumped the price ta 50 quid and it was full steam aheed. After a side order of cock gobblin it was doon ta business with yers truly balls deep in her hairless fud. She didny bother pullin off her top or her bra but seein as hoo she's flat as piss on a plate, I didnt press the issue. I did get the hand in there for a good feel but as I said, there nary much there tae git a hold of.
You don't get a lot of effort from this one when porkin her. It's, "here it is mate, have a go at er and let me know when you're done," but I canny say that aboot her when she's suckin the biggun. This lassie is a natural born cocksucker, likes ta do it and does it well. Fucking, fer herr, is an inconvenience. It's a bloody shame too because she's tight as a vice and fits Willie like a velvet glove.

April 18 A home cooked meal, a six pack of Heinekens and a roll in the hay. Does it get any better than this? Aye now before you fuckin wankers e-mail that a dozen Heinies and two fucks is better, dinny bother yerselves. I can do the math.

April 25 I just thought I'd let you all know that I'm still alive and well and livin the life of Riley. I know you fuckers worry when I dinny post a report. The fact is, I haven't been oot much. Nae need ta be poonin when I'm gittin all the pussy I need, free of charge, from Irene from the Legion. All I have ta do is tell herr how good a cook she is, listen tae her nonsense aboot her day at work and dig oot the knots in her shoulders and before yer know it, her heels are aroond me ribs and I'm bangin the hell oot of herrr.
I'm here tae tell yer, mate, that there is fuck all wrong with a monogamous relationship. The last time I paid fer it, I ended oop humpin sweet Doreen, a lovely wee lass but nae quite as energetic as my Irene. She just lay with her pencil thin legs apart, waitin fer Willie tae have a heart attack and die so she could get oot of me shack. Damn near got her wish, too.
Irene on ther other hand, takes full advantage of the situation. She won't take it in her mooth or oop the backdoor ta me dismay but get herr oop on top mate, and she thinks she's in the Calgary fuckin Stampede. MSOG as you say are never a trooble with this one, often are fer me though. It's a lucky thing that I've a tongue like a 2 X 4 or she'd kill me fer sure.
Take me advice lads, find yerself a nice middle aged divorcee and put yer wages in a RSP. There's little chance that you'll catch a dose or find some Chilean bloke with a blade at yer throat. Monogamy is the life fer me.
Mind you, next time she's on the rag, I guarantee I'll be postin aboot the wee spinner I picked oop ta tide me over.

May 5 Okay, okay, so I know I said in me last report that I'd stay away from the poonin but when opportuntiy knocks on yer door, you damn well have tae let it in. The end of last week I happened tae bump inta me sweetie Michelle. Well what was I supposed ta do? I couldny be rude and no ask herr if she be needin some cash. It was a good thing I did too because she was skint. It was me civic duty ta take herr back ta me shed and bang the livin bejeezus oot of her. Don't ever say that Willie isny a charitable man.
We didny have a lot of time because she had tae be back home in time tae pick oop the wean from school. Time enough though, fer a fast and furious missionary fuck. After that we had a wee chat in the bed. It turns oot that she is three months pregnant. I quickly pointed oot that the only time we didny use a condom she spit it oot but she told me nay ta worry. She has a steady feller and he's the one with the long face. It was rather bizarre because while she was tellin me all this, I was busy runnin me drivin finger in and oot of her kitty.
Whether it was from the finger fuckin I was givin her or the thought of bangin another bloke's missus, a quick glance doon and we could both see that old Willie was as hard as a pipe. A fresh one was put on before I rolled meself between her legs. She said we had tae go but it was Michelle that directed me knob tae the promised land. We started oot with some slow mish again before I got herr on her hands and knees. Michelle kept a close eye on the bedside clock while I watched me dong perform a disappearin act in her soppin wet snatch. At twenty ta three, the magic act turned inta a sportin event when me slow and steady turned inta a sprint tae the finish but the task was completed in a satisfactory manner and the wean was picked oop none the wiser. I gave her 60 quid fer the time and she was happy with it. As usual with this one, we promised ta meet oop again but she's nay the most reliable lassie I ever met. She's a bonnie fuck though, so I cut her a lot of slack.

This will be me last report for a wee while unless some bare ass naked lassie happens tae come ta me door in the next 20 minutes. I'm off tae Glasgow ta see me Mum and won't be back fer three weeks. I don't forsee spendin any time there huntin doon a computer tae oopdate this page so you'll have ta just mind yerselves until I come back.

May 21 The best part of any journey is when you walk in the front door of yer own flat at the end of it. Aye those words be quite true as I foond oot from me trip overseas. Irene was there at the airport tae pick me oop, a pleasant surprise considerin I only dropped aboot a dozen hints aboot when me flight was gettin in. We went back tae the shed fer a wee cuppa tea and she wound oop spendin the night, alternatin between listenin tae stories of me travellin adventures and moanin and groanin while I put the wood tae her. Fucked her three times, I did. She joked that I was as horny as a school boy after three weeks withoot fud. Well hen, no exactly.
Ye see, there was that lovely lassie that I banged at the Club Royale in Glasgow ta tide me over. Her name was Eve and a chipper wee thing she was.
The Club Royale is a sauna in a discrete if somewhat run doon neighboorhood. Saunas are the Scottish equivilent to massage parlours in Vancouver but with a few interestin twists. When you go in the door, you see the receptionist and pay a door fee of £10 . That gets ye inta the lounge where you will find anywhere from 3 - 6 girls ta choose from. There were 4 ta pick from when I was there and Eve was clearly the winner of the pack. After a quick, solitary shower, Eve led me oop the stairs tae a private room. I damn near tripped over me tongue watchin her magnificent backside, encased in a tight leather mini, sway back and forth as she ascended the staircase. Once safely ensconced in the room, she made quick work of her tube top and wee leather skirt. Och, what a body! Maybe a wee bit scarce on the top but Christ, what an ass on er. Her slender, shapely legs were nicely accentuated by the 4 inch stilettos that she wore. Her legs were smooth a silk, from the tips of her red polished toenails to her bare as the day she was born snatch.
She asked me if I'd been tae the Royale before? She was fishin tae see if I knew the game but when I told her where I'd come from, she became much more animated and wanted tae know all aboot Vancouver. I gave her a brief description of the city and it's history while she straddled me arse and worked the kinks oot of me neck. When I flipped over it was obvious that I was ready fer more than a back rub and a verbal tour of Vancouver. She wrapped her fist aroond me pecker and began a leisurely handjob while askin me if I'd be interested in any extras? Before I could answer, there was a loud, gutteral moan from the room next door. I said, "I'll have what he's havin," and she burst oot laughin.
I was quoted £50 fer a half hoor which worked oot tae be approximately $122 Canadian. Ah well, it's only money. We started off with some lovely 69. She told me she usually charges another £10 fer her ta go bareback on the blowjob but since I'd come all the way from Canada tae see her, she'd throw it in fer free. Bloody decent of herr, if yer ask me. I could have easily spent the rest of me life there with me hands on her butt, me tongue in her twat and me cock in her gob but I'd never forgive meself if I didny give this wee Goddess a right proper Canadian fuck. I damned near blew it though.... literally and had to gently extricate meself from her experrrt cocksuckin or else it would be lights oot fer Willie.
We rested fer a bit after me tasty treat of pussy and me false alarm with me cock in herr gob, and chatted aboot oor travels. Eve is from the Ukraine but moved to Manchester with her family when she was 10. With me quick cum crisis abated, the rubber went on and Eve climbed oop fer some reverse cowgirl before finishin off with her heels aroond me ears while I banged her mish style. Another hot shower and I felt like a new man. "Come see me again before you go," she told me, followed by a peck on the cheek. Now that I'm back home, I wish I'd taken her oop on her invite.
I'm no a massage parlour kind of guy but this wee lassie was good value fer the money. My 30 minute session with Eve lasted 48 minutes and nowt was said aboot the overtime. Lads, if ye ever get the chance tae visit Glasgow, pass on it fer Christ's sake, it's a shithole, but if you DO wind oop there, go visit the Club Royale. You'll be glad ye did.

June 4 Aboot 8:30 last night, I happened tae be going soothboond on Clark Drive when a SW called oot tae me. This is hardly somethin new because Clark Drive is one of me favorite trollin zones but more often than not, when they call oot, it's usually, "get the fuck oot o here, yer cheap bastard...." This time it was different. It was a tall, lanky lassie with one of herr front chicklets missin. She was just lookin fer a ride in the rust bucket.
I'd seen herr there many a time before and long long ago, when Willie was a poonin pup, I even gave her a try. She ripped me off, she did, and taught me a valuable lesson in this game. Along the way tae me spot, she told me she needed some ciggies, so like a fool, I paid her in advance and parked in front of a shop. In she went and she never came oot. Didny see herr agin fer moonths. So here she is, years later, callin oot fer a lift. I gave her an icy stare then gave her the finger. Dinny fuck with a Scotsman, lassie, we never forget.
12:30 on, I'm on me way home after the last "no tonight Willie, I'm no in the mood," from the fraulein I've been bangin the last coople of moonths. I saw a dandy wee thing with an invitin smile and cleavage tae match at Hastings and Heatley. There was a Bobbie on me tail so I circled the block but when I passed by again, she was long gone. No matter as there was a short native bitch standin in her place. Stood aboot 5 foot nothin with shoulder length hair and a roondish face. You could see she had a wee bit of meat on her bones, nae fat by any means but certainly nae skinny as a rake like the majority of of these fuckers. In she gets and away we go.
Nae messin aboot once we're back at the shack. She's oot of her gear and doon on her knees in nae time at all. She had a pleasant enough rack on her but the big flippin tattoo she sported was a bit of a turn off. Tattoos just look like shite on native women but I canny recall ever seein one that didny have one.
After the preliminary blowjob, it was on with the rubber and on tae the main course. I draped her over the edge of me bed, with her pins apart and her feet on the floor and proceded tae bone her from behind. It was all rather mechanical from herr point of view which I foond disappointin. If yer going tae fuck fer a livin, put a wee bit of effert inta it. Och well, play on. When I nudged her feet further apart, she knew what was coming and after a coople more pops in her twat, oop the back door I go. I took hold of her hips and it was off tae the races! She didny even blink which tells me that either she's quite well versed at takin it oop the arse or Willie isny as well hung as I thought.
She cost me 50 quid but I got the impression I could bargain her doon if I wanted tae. I dinny have a name or a number but I see her on the street from time ta time so she won't be hard tae find. She goes in me Yes file as a lassie I will look fer again.

WEEKEND WITH WILLIE (June 8-10)
Friday Night. I had a spaghetti and meatball dinner with a lassie from home that I've known fer many a year. Two thumbs doon fer the spaghetti. The noodles were thick and stodgy, kind of like me lassie friend, now that I think of it. Whoa there Willie. If yer ever plan tae tap that one again, you best be keepin a civil tongue in yer heed. Yer never know who reads this shite. A big thumbs oop though, fer the topless handjob she provided after some cuddlin on the settee and the Chianti was poot tae rest.
Saturday Night. Played darts at the Legion Hall and got blind drunk. So shitfaced in fact that I spend the better part of an hour huntin fer me car before rememberin that I'd come on the bus. Two thumbs doon fer that one.
Sunday Night. Spent most of the day passed oot on the settee with a cold face cloth draped over me eyes and the curtains drawn shut. In front of me on the coffee table, from left tae right, was a bottle of Tylenol, tomato juice, Rice Krispies, vitamins, a can of Kokanee and Pepto-Bismol. Went oop and doon the row a coople of times, buffet style, before I was able tae focus enoof tae see that the Pepto-Bismol was 4 years past expiry. Fuck. I thought me heed would split in two when the telephone rang. It was me girlfriend Irene, askin if I'd fancy troopin through the mall with her. I told herr I'd pass on that but could pop roond later on tonight fer a shag. She laughed and hung up the phone.
It's midnight and after sleepin all day, I'm rejuvinated and ready ta play. Irene was oot of the question at this time of night so I drove aboot the low track and settled on a stocky native bint near Clark and Georgia. She cost me 30 fer a sloppy bareback hummer. It took a wee bit of coaxin tae get her bloose undone so I could get at her tits but eventually the buttons came apart and her bra went oop tae her neck. Had a dandy set on her, she did. She offered tae get tegetherrr anoother time "where we can be more comfortable," but if I want tae fuck a big arse lassie like her, I'll take on me spaghetti servin friend and save the 30 bob.

June 24 Fer the past fortnight, Willie has been leadin a bi-sexual lifestyle. By that I mean I've been usin the left hand AND the right hand tae get meself off. That's aboot the extent of me sex life these days as the relationship with me German lady friend has cooled considerably. It's a bloody shame because she did give an energetic fuck once yer got her inta the mood. I tried callin oop the spaghetti-servin lassie frum me last post but haveny been able tae work anythin oot with her.
So why no just cruise the tracks like usual, yer probably askin? Well, because the fuckin credit card bill came in from me trip back hame, that's why. Fuckin hell! I just wanted a wee visit back tae me old hometown, I didny intend tae buy the fuckin place. With resource depleted, it's been lonely nights of tissues and YouPorn.
There is light at the end of the tunnel though and soon enoof I'll be off me forced sabbatical and back in the game. First thing on me agenda is tae take a stab at a Rub 'n Tug session with a lovely lassie that I met on the Terb. She would prefer tae keep her identity a secret fer now and Willie, bein the gentleman that he is, has promised ta keep his trap shut. Either that or he knows that if he shoots his mooth off, the lassie will box his ears the minute he chaps on herr door.
This will be me second attempt at a Rub'n Tug. The first time was a complete disaster. It was self-serve!

July 16 Met me anonymous rub 'n tugger from Terf today and it was a decent experience. There's nae much I can say that doesny tip off her identity oother than the service was casual and quite a bit longer than the 1 hour I paid fer. There was lots of good-natured patter and jokin aboot tae go with the soft music and scented candles. The massage was firm, from heed tae toe and everywhere in between. A bloody good deep tissue massage if yer ask me.
Eventually it was time fer the flip. The patter was put tae rest as we got doon tae business. Lots of warm oil was poured onta me Johnson and a slow, methodical handjob was provided. I'm no a big fan of the rub release and it was dicey there fer a bit as to whether there would be a happy endin or no. Me lassie never complained aboot Willie's lack of progress and eventually the mission was accomplished.
This one has a plentiful set of knockers on herrr with very responsive nipples. The nightie never came off but touchin was permitted under the nightie from any direction. All in all it was a good time but I woulda been a lot happier and a lot more responsive if there was more on the menu than a HJ but no way she was droppin her gob onto me caber. A pity too because I had a sense that she'd give a bonnie blowjob indeed.

If yer be feelin the need tae share yer stories of yer own triumphs in poonin, this be the place fer ya. Keep it brief, yer bastarrds. I dinny have all day fer this shite, ya know.

Ya daft bastarrrds can also e-mail Willie by clicking on the e-mail link.