Raising Children Traditionally
Comparing today's raising of children and yesteryear's raising
Traditional Child Rearing
My knowledge on Native American traditional child raising is minimal for I was not raised in this way. Most of my knowledge on this subject has been gathered from books. So I have gathered information from others who have more direct knowledge than I. Below I have given a brief "biography" of the people I have received assistance from on this article.
Sharon Kitley, a sister through Jesus and a very dear sister-friend which, I believe, together we share the same spiritual bond as David and Jonathan shared. Sharon and I seem to have a little bit of similarities in our previous marriages. She was married to an alcoholic and eventually had to file for divorce. But I am happy to report that her ex-husband has found Jesus and continues to grow spiritually everyday. Sharon is definitely a bright light for Jesus to those around her.
In her past, she was a single mother for about 4 years. However, she met Leroy within a couple of years after divorcing the alcoholic. Almost immediately, Leroy started asking to attend the school functions of her children as well as many other things, taking on the role readily as a real father. He exhibited pure love toward her children, and eventually was granted adoption for her children.
Needless to say, her two children did exhibit some disappointments at their biological father when he didn’t show up for some of their visitations. But Leroy always stepped in and comforted them, giving them the love they were missing. Something Sharon has pointed out, something I have always been very careful of myself, she made sure she never said anything negative about their biological father in order to degrade him in their children’s eyes. This is something very important, my children’s father always talked me down whenever he had a chance. They would come back and tell me things he said, but I would always respond, “That’s just the way he thinks. You will know the truth as you get older. You need to decide for yourselves.” And as a result, my daughter has used this in developing her opinion of her father. And my son now understands too. Single parents tend to forget their children will grow up and remember their words and know if they were lies or not.
And in the same way, Sharon's children are now grown, and they hold no hatred for their father. They have accepted him as he was at that time in their lives and now have genuine compassion, forgiving him for his shortcomings. One thing that Sharon did that I did not do, (but now wish I had had the wisdom in this), she would always tell her children they would be stronger due to their experience--their pain they felt as a result from the past actions of their biological father. It is important we realize that by verbally acknowledging something, it becomes a part of us permanently. The more it is said, the more it is believed and adopted for ourselves. This I get into more detail later.
Olivia Morillo, a full blood Indian (1/2 Yaqui, 1/2 Pima), was raised in Arizona. She now lives on the Yaqui reservation with her 4 children. She has been a single mother now for 2 years, but has actually raised her children on her own for 10 years. She is now married to a man that loves her children as if they were his own. Olivia has experienced many of the trials that come from playing different parts of several different "worlds" which differ greatly between each of them.
First she was raised in the Yaqui traditions of her mother. Her father, full blood Pima, did not feel it was good for him to teach his ways to his children, believing that by passing on his traditions would only cause problems while they were trying to succeed in the non-Indian world. He had attended a boarding school during the time when the schools refused to allow the native children their beliefs and experienced several negative impacts from this. She is still learning how to balance between these two worlds.
Another two worlds that Olivia has experienced, both as a child and as a mother herself, are the single parent and the two parent households. I was raised in a traditional Christian home with both of my parents whom were loving and very caring. But I have two children myself who have not never experienced a "good father" figure. And when I did marry again, my husband was not a good role model and did negative damage on my children emotionally and mentally.
This are the four different "worlds" I will focus on in this paper, showing the conflicts, the trials, the problems and other hardships between them. Olivia has provided any information I used directly about the Yaqui. And Richard Pyle, pastor of the Tribe of Christ church, has provided me with some of the details I have written about Cherokee traditions. But for the most part, I have generalized the aspects of native child rearing as most nations followed relatively close to each other.
Importantly, children were raised in a large family and community setting. The children were always with their mother in the earliest years of their life. As they grew older, they would then start following the father/mother, older brothers/sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. to learn the necessary skills for everyday life. After the first few years, the daughters would be raised by their mothers and other female members, while the sons would go to their fathers or other male members of the family. However, in the Cherokee, Yaqui and Pima way of family life, there is an exception to this point of child rearing. The son would not be taught or raised by the father or any other member of his family, but instead the mother's brothers or other male members of the maternal family. Thus all raising and training of the children was done completely through the mother's family. But there was bonding that took place between the children and fathers. The father's responsibilities lied in the areas of providing food and other materials needed for "comfortable" living, and protection of the family and village.
This may not seem like a lot. In looking at the father's responsibility, we today think of working 8-10 hours a day and then coming home in the evening 5 days out of the week with the weekend open. But when one thinks about the ancient culture, it was not a 40-hour workweek, but around the clock every day. In Cherokee villages of average size, more than 300 deer would be needed annually in order to furnish food and materials. The men tended to the crops, ceremonial rites, tribal government issues, making tools and weapons, in addition to many other necessary things that would come up on occasion.
Think of it this way. Your husband/father is now a very active member of the city board of alderman, giving time to the county, state and federal governments if needed (which was quite often at that time), belonged to the chamber of commerce, worked for the national guard-building and using the weapons, the Salvation Army, the Red Cross, the local church which was very active at that time, and did the actual hunting of any available food every day (which included gardening as well as hunting), but not just for you, but other needy members of your community, and still took the time for you and your children. Could you do all this today?
The family was very close-knit, yet at the same time, understanding their boundaries between each other. Very, very few stories, if any, have ever been told of rivalry between family members, and I honestly can't think of any I have ever heard in ancient times. The Yaqui children are raised to be passive, not assertive or outspoken, until they have experienced life enough to have wisdom in order to be heard. Children were not to question or dispute things told to them by the elders.
Olivia has shared with me that this aspect is one she has had to deal with. Her children through the outside world's influence have learned that one should question everything and receive an answer for everything. She has found that this is sometimes hard to keep separate. She finds herself every once in a while answering all the questions her children ask and is reminded from her husband that this is not the traditional way. He has raised his children traditionally and they have become very respectful and embrace the traditions. Olivia, as well as her own children, see this example and are working on keeping the outside world's influences to a minimum and are enveloping the traditional way of life themselves.
Love and respect were taught from the earliest of age and as you will see, this was taught by "actions", not just verbally. Time was spent together, supporting each other, caring deeply for each other and protection of all their family. For example, in the Cherokee ancient way of life, if there was a murder, then this murder must be compensated for by giving up the person of the other family (which usually was done without question once guilt was proven) who had committed the crime and punished accordingly. If this death was possibly an accident, then the offender would be judged for his action. Under certain circumstances, the offender would be sent to what was known as a “peace town”, like the cities of refuge in the Old Testament (Numbers 35). Echota was the “sacred peace town.” However, if this person ever left the boundaries of this village, they were at the mercy of the deceased member's family without retribution.
In today's world, with the divorce rate so high, children will more than likely find themselves in an one-parent home (which is 56% of all children living in the US, according to statistics quoted by Montel Williams 2/9/00), and this is usually with the mother. Without the father figure being there, both the sons and daughters suffer tremendously for this. And the reverse is true, a mother figure should be there for both. In either case, the actual role of the missing parent usually is left as guesswork on the child's part.
I have seen through my children were this has hurt their ability in making good decisions in certain areas of life. My daughter has said recently that she wished she had had a father who loved her, one to hold her in his arms when she had been hurt, or simply to even let her know he loved her. This broke my heart and still does when I think of it. And what I've seen from this is displayed in her decisions with whom to "go steady". If anyone shows her anything that remotely resembles "love", then she is a bit overwhelmed.
I feel the mother's role is very important to the children also. And when she is the sole provider for the children, this leaves a huge gap in the children. Working many hours outside of the home, then coming home to manage all of the domestic affairs, this drains the energy from most women. Quality time should be spent between children and their mother, not a babysitter. But in today's world, this has become a very rare event. And even for those families who are together, both parents tend to need to work in order to provide for their families sufficiently. To me, this is a tragedy with a very hard, and in many cases, almost impossible solution.
My son is a very loving person with a tremendous urge to please. But he especially feels the need for the return of love, more than most children I have known. However, with me having to work full time and other responsibilities that I have had all of my motherhood, I have always felt drained by the time I could sit down. Therefore, I apparently was not able to supply him all of the attention he personally needed. So as he reached adolescence, there was a missing gap inside of him that needed to be filled. He turned to other means to try and find the attention he longed for. After trying several different ways of helping him out of the pit he was falling into, I found I could not provide what he needed, no matter how hard I tried. My son now lives with his father and stepmother and is now provided attention (though I don't agree with a lot of the "type") to such an extent that it has helped him. Also, my son now attends sweats with me and has turned his life over to God and Jesus and I think he now sees and appreciates what I had been trying to do for him in the past. This is what he tells me.
In looking back at our lives and experiences, and witnessing the results, this is where I have shaped my opinions. I know I have only touched the surface of the problems and turmoil that come from being the only provider of a home with children living there, but to do so would ultimately become a book. But the main point here is that the children need a "healthy" family there for them at all times with full attention.
Spirituality was taught to be lived on a day to day basis, not just on Sundays, if even any at all today. Right and wrong was established early on. The children were taught that there is a Creator and that He has set several rules to live by in order for life to be lived in happiness and balance amongst all of His creations. For a good example of these teachings, you can read my page on The Right Way of Living.
I don't believe that there has ever been a nation in the world who did not believe in some type of supreme being(s) until today. And most believe in One Supreme Being, whom we call the Creator, God, Great Spirit, Father, Grandfather and so on. Most Indian nations taught that we are spiritual beings inside of our physical bodies and that the Creator is the One who has created us and all we see and even don't see. And therefore, there was life after death.
Among the nations that I have been taught about, all believe that there are atonements and/or punishments for any wrongs we have done. And likewise, rewards for our good. Some believe it is accomplished while we are alive. But most of the ancient Cherokee believed that our daily actions would either be rewarded and/or punished after our physical deaths. If, however, we live each and every day, attempting to do only good to others, helping others in need, and always with a good heart, then the punishment can be bypassed. In ancient Cherokee times, at one end of each village stood a white pole with a white deerskin flag on top. It was there to remind the citizens every day to do only good to each other, to live clean and healthy lives.
Today, the "penalties" of our bad actions are dismissed. Children have been taught in schools, and even in homes now, that what has always been considered "wrong" is not always wrong for all. That there is no "true" right and wrong. If you had a good enough reason for doing something, then it can't be wrong. Such as the usual story of a poor man stealing the medication he could not afford for his dying wife she needed in order to live. It should be taught instead that if the community, his neighbors, were living the right way, then they would have done everything needed in order to get what he so desperately needed, not that stealing the medication was justified.
Here I wish to bring out another point that Sharon suggested. According to the lawsand Supreme Court rulings, we are NOT forbidden to bring God into our schools. We are still given the right for the children to do as they wish in regards to spirituality, to gather together in prayer, to bring their Bible into school or whatever else they feel necessary to do for themselves within reason. What the rulings have taken away is the educational staff’s ability to organize or lead a gathering in a religious context. If a child brings a Bible to school, they are legally allowed. If the children gather together in a circle to pray during “free” time, they are allowed. What we have succumbed to is the acceptance of any “person of authority” translating these rulings for us and telling us what we can and can not do. We let them get away with it. We don’t fight back and just assume they know what they are talking about. The school system that my children go to have never stopped the children from gathering around the flag pole in prayer. But if they did, you could count on me correcting the school about the law and what it really says. For more information, you can go to the Department of Education's website in reference to this subject at Religous Freedom in Schools
At one time, I was sent a small story about a man who approached God and asked Him some questions that had been bothering him about Columbine and other school shootings. I don't have the story any more so I will do my best to paraphrase what I read. This man asked God if He was aware of all the bad going on in the schools: the shootings, the hatred, the filth. And God replied that He knew. The man then asked God if He knew it was going to happen before it did and God stated yes, of course, He did. He then questioned God, wondering if He knew just how much pain and anguish the children and the parents of those who had died were going have live with for the rest of their lives. "Yes," was God's answer. Then the man broke down in the tears of disheartenment, and called out to God, "Where were you!? Why weren't you there!?" God gently explained, "You made that decision. You were the ones who decided to keep me out of the schools."
