Bring me to life
(song fic, song belongs to Evanescence. No copyright
infrigment intended)
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb without a soul my
spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
Gibbs hated himself.
He usually had these days periodically, sometimes once a year, sometimes once in
5 years, but he liked to hate himself when things didn't go right, or the way he
wanted. The last time he had felt this way, was when wife #3 hit him over the
head with a baseball bat because he had cheated on her with Jenny Shepard. It
had been his own fault. And Jenny's.
Jenny and he were on
a mission in
Gibbs had taken a
week off, or more than one week off work, and had drowned himself in the
basement with Jack Daniels, he smoked, nearly set his boat on fire, and barely
ate or slept.
It was Ducky, his
old friend, who brought him back to reality and 'get over it'. Gibbs knew, that
Ducky was gay. In fact, when Gibbs met him for the first time, it had been in a
gay bar, where Ducky had been a witness of a murder. In Gibbs' mind it was weird
for a well-respected M.E. to be in a gay bar. And he was fascinated by the older
man as well. His interrogation took longer as usual, and he and Ducky went out
to dinner after wards.
And now, 20 years
later, Ducky was still his friend. Ducky, who had admitted to have a crush on
Gibbs when hehad drunk too much bourbon and Scottish Whiskey.
Gibbs didn't mind
that Ducky was gay, or that he had a crush on him. Gibbs had made it clear to
Ducky that he wanted to be friends, and that he wasn't 'like that'. And Ducky
accepted it.
Gibbs knew he was a
bastard for getting married 3 times after
Coming back to Gibbs'
self hatred, it must have been the winter that set it off this time. He didn't
even bother to call in sick, he didn't even bother telling Ducky what was going
on, but he had locked his front door after buying three dozen of whiskey bottles,
30 packs of cigarettes and some junk food, and it was all placed in his
basement. He had pulled the phone cord out, switched off the TV and worked on
his boat, drinking and smoking.
He hated it that
people looked up to him. He hated DiNozzo for trying to be him. He hated Ziva
for being Ziva. He hated Jenny because… well of the past, he hated McGee for
being so damn insecure. He couldn't hate Abby or Ducky but he didn't even want
to think of them. He hated Tom Morrow for leaving and saddling him up with Jenny
as the Director.
He hated the world
for being so fucked up. He hated the president for sending so many incompetent
people to
He hated the weather
too. It was too damn cold. Even in his basement, where he had turned on the
heating, cold chills kept running down his spine.
He hated himself,
for being such an insensitive bastard. He hated himself, for hurting his best
friend Ducky over and over again. He hated himself, for not being home and
protect his wife and daughter many years ago. He hated himself, for going to
On the third day of
his self inflicted confinement, he had been wasted. He had been tired, due to
the lack of sleep he had broken off some wood of his boat, but that could also
have been the alcohol, or both. His throat was sore because of the compulsive
smoking and he had actually passed out a few times just because he was too drunk
to stand on his own two feet.
He had heard Ducky
standing outside the front door upstairs, yelling for him to open the door and
let him in. Gibbs had stayed quiet, and Ducky left after a while. He knew that
Ducky had a key to his house, not that Gibbs locked his door often, but just if
something happened, Ducky had a key. He also knew that Ducky wouldn't use the
key unless he was absolutely certain of danger.
On the fourth day,
Gibbs drank coffee, and while sobering up, he started to think about Ducky. He
never really wanted to think when he hated everything and nearly everyone.
Ducky was a
beautiful person from the inside and also outside. For an old man, he wasn't
ugly, like most old men. Ducky had a strong character, a strong will and he was
faithful, loyal. Ducky was always there to patch him up, or take his fall, or
for companionship, even though Gibbs didn't talk that much. Ducky was an
excellent cook, he was caring, he took care of his mother and worked full time
beside that. Ducky was sophisticated, a true gentleman. Ducky was everything
Gibbs was not.
On the fifth day,
Gibbs had taken a shower, shaved himself and changed clothes, before he went
back to the basement and drown himself again. Although he had gotten over all
the hatred he had on the first day, he hated himself now, because he visualized
a naked Ducky while standing under the shower and masturbated. It was wrong. It
wasn't like him at all.
That night, he
decided to walk to Ducky's, while being drunk again. He had forgotten to put on
some shoes and a coat, but the alcohol in his blood kept him warm.
On the sixth day,
Ducky had found Gibbs sleeping on his front porch, lips blue, snow covering a
large part of his body. Ducky had dragged him inside and had warmed him up with
blankets, tea, coffee and a fireplace that never seized to burn because Ducky
kept throwing logs of wood in it.
"You're lucky you didn't catch a cold."
Ducky told him, when Gibbs was all sobered up and warm again.
"I never get sick." Gibbs replied.
"Never tempt fate, dear."
"Thanks Duck." Gibbs smiled slightly.
"I'm sorry."
"You really should stop these 'self
destruct weeks', Jethro."
"I can't."
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
"It's just one week! Where I find release,
feel sorry for myself, and deal with it." Gibbs defended himself. "It's
not like I call for a whore or anything."
"At least a whore doesn't destroy your
liver." Ducky deadpanned. "And I know you haven't called a whore
because Jennifer is still a grumpy woman."
"Duck!" Gibbs nagged. "I didn't
want to have Jenny in my head! Thank you, for that disturbing image."
"What's bothering you, my dear? Usually
you're all sobered up by day 4."
"I was."
"Then what happened?"
"You don't want to know."
"I'm asking."
"Not telling." Gibbs felt his cheeks
grow red. "It's not right, anyway."
(Wake
me up)
Wake
me up inside
(I
can't wake up)
Wake
me up inside
(Save
me)
call
my name and save me from the dark
(Wake
me up)
bid my
blood to run
(I
can't wake up)
before
I come undone
(Save
me)
save
me from the nothing I've become
On the seventh day, Gibbs got woken up by Ducky
early. Gibbs, who had nearly attacked Ducky for waking him up, fell out of bed.
"Are you alright, Jethro?" Ducky was standing next to him, dressed in
pyjama's and his glasses weren't on his nose. "I heard you scream, you
almost woke up mother." Ducky asked worried.
"I screamed?" Gibbs asked sleepily.
"You did."
"I never scream."
"Like a little girl." Ducky was
amused.
Gibbs got off the floor and sat down on his
bed. "What did I scream?"
"In fact, you called my name."
"I… did?"
"You asked me to save you."
"I did?"
"Yes."
"That's embarrassing…"
Ducky sat down next to Gibbs on the bed and put
his hand on his knee. Gibbs felt slightly uncomfortable, but it also felt 'right'.
"Gibbs, is it me, that set off your self destruct mechanism on day 5?"
"No, why should it be you?"
"I know you." Ducky replied. "I
know that it's not right in your head to love another man."
"I told you Duck, I want to be friends
with you."
"I know, dear." Ducky smiled slightly
and patted Gibbs' knee. "Try to get some more sleep. You'll feel better in
the morning."
"Duck?" Gibbs asked when Ducky was
about to leave the guest room.
"Yes?" Ducky turned around, a spark
of hope was seen in his eyes.
"I do love you, you know."
"I know." Ducky replied. "Go to
sleep."
Gibbs sighed and crawled back under the
blankets. He hated himself for hurting himself so much, and Ducky knew. Ducky
knew that something - Ducky himself - had rattled Gibbs' brain this time. Gibbs
knew, that he was going to be in one hell of a lot of trouble if he'd give in to
his feelings for the older man. But then again, it was only normal, right? Gibbs
had loved him for a long time now, but had ignored it. And, he intended to
ignore it for a very long time, even though if it made him unhappy. He couldn't
live with Ducky being unhappy, but Gibbs would play matchmaker for his Ducky.
Sheez, Gibbs. You're not a matchmaker! He thought and snorted.
On the seventh day, when Gibbs was awake, and
Mrs. Mallard had gone to Mrs. Patterson, Ducky had made a huge breakfast for the
two of them, with fresh orange juice, tea, coffee, milk, and lots of croissants
and other fancy bread. "Wow." Gibbs said when he came downstairs.
"I imagine you must be famished."
Ducky noted.
"I am…"
"Well, then, dig in." he smiled.
After breakfast, Gibbs helped Ducky with the
dishes, and Ducky was telling his famous stories again. Gibbs didn't mind
hearing them, he was feeling a lot better, and his head didn't feel so heavy
anymore. "Duck?"
"Yes?"
"How come you knew about this week?"
"I've seen it building up in the past few
weeks, why do you ask?"
"Just because." Gibbs shrugged.
"Will you stop me the next time you see it coming?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Yes."
"Then I will." Ducky smiled. "I
will save you from yourself, one day."
now
that I know what I'm without
you
can't just leave me
breathe
into me and make me real
bring
me to life
Gibbs went back to work a few days later, but
he couldn't get the image of a naked Ducky out of his head. He couldn't really
focus on the case at hand, he kept observing his M.E. while asking questions to
the petty officer who had found the body. He wanted to be with his doctor, see
him work, but he had a team to lead.
At night, he would serve himself in the shower,
release, thinking of his doctor. Ducky probably knew what was going on in Gibbs'
head. He always just knew. Ducky knew Gibbs better than he knew himself.
The doorbell rang. Gibbs was puzzled. His
friends and co-workers knew that they could just walk in, unannounced. He ran up
the stairs of his basement and sprinted to the front door. He was surprised to
see the person standing on his porch when he opened the door.
"Why are you ringing the bell? I was in
the basement, you know that."
"I believe we need to talk, Jethro dear."
Ducky said, holding up a bottle of bourbon.
Gibbs was puzzled, but let his doctor in. Ducky
walked to the kitchen, grabbed two glasses and limped to the living room. Gibbs
noted that Ducky's limp had gone worse. He knew, that when that happened, Ducky
was tired. Ducky probably had done too many things at once.
"You're limping."
"Jethro, I limp all the time."
"It got worse. What did you do?"
"Nothing, dear."
Gibbs stared at the older man, who sat down in
the most comfortable chair in the living room. He watched him pour the bourbon
in the glasses and took the glass that Ducky offered him before sitting down
himself. "What do you want to talk about?"
"Actually, dear, I suggest you start
telling me the truth."
"I haven't lied to you this week."
Gibbs defended himself. "I never lie to you."
"You're hiding something."
"No I'm not."
"Do I need to call Diane and ask her to
hit you with the baseball bat again, so you start talking?"
"Is that a threat?"
"Maybe."
"Doesn't work, Duck."
It was quiet for a long time as both men sipped
their bourbon. It was Ducky who broke the silence again. "You haven't been
quite yourself, lately, Jethro."
"What do you mean?"
"You're absent minded."
"No I'm not."
"You don't notice it yourself, but Anthony
is picking up the pieces. If it wasn't for Anthony…"
"Yeah yeah…" Gibbs gave in.
"We wouldn't have solved the case."
"What is going on?"
"I got an itch."
"I'm sorry Jethro, I don't know any more
redheads to introduce to you."
"I don't need a redhead." Gibbs
blushed.
Silence again. Ducky refilled their glasses.
Gibbs moved uncomfortably on the couch. He just knew that Ducky knew what he
meant, but figured that Gibbs wasn't drunk enough to talk about it. "Go
ahead, talk." Gibbs sighed.
"I'm not saying anything. You need to
admit to yourself that… well that." Ducky said slowly and took another
sip of the bourbon. "Accept it."
"Accept what?" Gibbs said a bit
annoyed. "That I'm in love with you for years now without knowing but that
I've recently realised that I really do love you for all that you are?" he
got up. "Where does that leave me, Duck? I'm a Marine. Marines don't love
the same sex."
"Times have changed, Jethro." Ducky's
eyes sparkled with amusement and relief.
"I guess so." Gibbs sighed. "I'm
an idiot."
"Yes you are."
"Now what?"
"Jethro?" Ducky asked puzzled.
"I just confessed that I love you. Now
what?" he replied aggravated.
"Nothing." Ducky said amused and took
another sip of the bourbon.
"You're cruel."
"No, I am not."
Another moment of silence. Gibbs kept staring
at Ducky out of frustration, but Ducky obviously enjoyed ignoring Gibbs, and was
enjoying his bourbon. Gibbs hated it when Ducky was passive aggressive. This was
Ducky's way of playing. This was Ducky's way to make Gibbs take the first step.
And he was scared. "Can I kiss you, Duck?"
"Do you want to, or do you feel forced?"
"I want to!"
"Then, I would love it, if you kissed me,
dear." Ducky smiled.
(Wake
me up)
Wake
me up inside
(I
can't wake up)
Wake
me up inside
(Save
me)
call
my name and save me from the dark
(Wake
me up)
bid my
blood to run
(I
can't wake up)
before
I come undone
(Save
me)
save
me from the nothing I've become
"Jethro!" Ducky shook Gibbs awake
after he was tossing and turning in the guest room bed and screaming.
"What!" Gibbs barked and jolted up,
falling out of the bed once again. He realised that Ducky woke him up and looked
up to him. "I'm sorry, Duck." Gibbs got up and sat down on the edge of
the bed.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Ducky
sat down next to him, putting his hand yet again on Gibbs' knee. Gibbs had a
major déjà vu feeling. He had been too tired to drive home, so Ducky made him
stay in the guest room. He didn't mind.
Kissing Ducky had been pure bliss, pure energy
and Ducky made him feel like he had never felt before. He didn't know why he had
this nightmare.
"I was in a dark alley… I couldn't see."
Gibbs sighed. "It was cold, raining and I was naked."
"Now that is an amusing image." Ducky
smiled widely.
"Anyway, I tried to walk forward but I
tripped over various stuff." Gibbs continued. "I swear, I could have
heard
"Sounds to me that you're insecure about
something, Jethro, and that you're dealing with your past in your dreams."
"Maybe."
"What else happened?"
"I saw you." Gibbs looked him in the
eyes. "You were standing in a ray of light, dressed in white."
Ducky kept quiet, but softly stroked Gibbs'
knee, comforting him.
"You're the light." Gibbs smiled
slightly. "You're always at the end of the dark periods of my life…"
Gibbs put his hand on Ducky's. "You are my life."
"But, why were you screaming?"
"Something took you away. You faded. You…
went transparent. I don't want to lose you, Duck."
Bring
me to life
(I've
been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring
me to life
Gibbs walked into autopsy the next day,
carrying coffee and earl grey tea for Ducky. "Palmer, go for lunch."
Gibbs said as a matter of factly.
"Sir?"
"It's alright, Jimmy." Ducky smiled.
Gibbs watched how Jimmy walked outside autopsy
and handed Ducky his tea. "How are you handling this slow day?"
"Paper work, just like you, dear."
Ducky smiled.
"I've been thinking. I haven't been doing
paper work. I have DiNozzo for that." Gibbs snorted.
"I will not let you destroy yourself,
Jethro. If I have to, I'll strap you onto the bed and won't let you go."
"Kinky." Gibbs grinned.
"It's not funny."
"I know, it's not. I know now why I do
that."
"Do you?"
"Yep." Gibbs sat down on top of
Ducky's desk and looked at him. "I've been lying to myself, all the time.
But… ever since I realised why I lied to myself, I'm doing okay."
"So it's my fault then? That you…"
"No!" Gibbs said dismissive. "It
was my own. I lied to myself. I didn't lie to you. Or not deliberately. I didn't
mean to mislead you, but that was my fault."
"I'm confused, but I think you are right."
"Of course I am." Gibbs smiled and
hopped off the desk. He quickly kissed Ducky on his forehead and headed out of
Autopsy. "Love you Duck." He said before the doors closed.
frozen
inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among
the dead
all
this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept
in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've
been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to
open my eyes to everything
without
a thought without a voice without a soul
don't
let me die here
there
must be something more
bring
me to life
Mrs. Mallard was staying over the care centre
of the elderly people again. Every once in a while Ducky brought her there to
the day admission and let her stay there for a weekend. He loved his mother, but
sometimes, even with the nurse, his mother drove him insane. Gibbs knew that.
Gibbs also knew, that Ducky was cooking for the two of them. He wanted to get
something for his doctor, but couldn't think of anything to give a man who
already had everything.
Gibbs bought the finest wine the shop owner had
and wrote a little card for Ducky. "frozen inside without your touch
without your love darling only you are the life among the dead - love, LJG"
It was the truth. Gibbs wasn't really a poet,
but Abby had this song on in her lab the other day and the lyric had stuck in
his head. It had fitted so well. He smiled when he entered Ducky's house.
"Duck?"
"I'm in the kitchen, dearest."
Ducky's voice sounded.
Gibbs walked to the kitchen with a light skip
in his step, smiling. "I missed you at work today." He softly kissed
Ducky, tasting a bit of the pasta Ducky must have tasted, and a little bit of
bourbon. "Smells nice."
"I had to take mother to…" Ducky
started to apologize.
"I know." Gibbs interrupted him, and
handed him the bottle, with the card.
"Oh Jethro." Ducky beamed.
"Glad you like it."
After dinner, they sat down on the couch in the
study with the fireplace on, and a glass of bourbon in their hands, staring at
the fire. "Duck?"
"Yes, dear?"
"You wouldn't let me die, right?"
"Of course not!"
"But, what if…"
"Jethro." Ducky interrupted him.
"You're not going to die anytime soon."
"But…"
"Jethro." Ducky growled.
"What if I get shot? Like
Kate?"
"You won't. You're a too good of an agent
to get shot."
"Yeah, you're probably right. DiNozzo will
get shot."
"Jethro!" Ducky objected.
"Sorry."
"You once said: 'Don't apologize, it's a
sign of weakness.' So, don't." Ducky put down his glass of bourbon on the
side table. "You're not going to die." He said determined. "Not
now, not soon either."
"I hate it when you use my own words
against me."
Ducky took Gibbs' glass out of his hand and put
it on the side table next to his own. "You asked for it." Ducky softly
started to kiss him, tender, full of love and it was not only to shut him up.
Gibbs answered his kiss eagerly after turning around a little for them to kiss
more comfortably.
(Wake
me up)
Wake
me up inside
(I
can't wake up)
Wake
me up inside
(Save me)
call
my name and save me from the dark
(Wake
me up)
bid my
blood to run
(I
can't wake up)
before
I come undone
(Save
me)
save
me from the nothing I've become
(Bring
me to life)
I've
been living a lie, there's nothing inside
(Bring
me to life)
He couldn't sleep. Ducky was sleeping
peacefully, nestled against him, with his head on his chest and he just felt
amazing. He wondered why it had taken him so long to finally give in to his own
feelings, why it had taken him so long to find out why he had been lying to
himself.
They had started on the couch, Ducky being
patient with him, letting him discover how to love someone from the same sex.
Gibbs had realised, that he could do to Ducky what he liked himself, because he
knew how the male body worked. Gibbs had been careful, not wanting to hurt
Ducky, or offend him for that matter. Ducky had been making him feel fantastic,
even on that couch, he had taken his hand and had lead him up the stairs to
Ducky's bedroom.
Once undressed, Gibbs went on to discover
Ducky's body, carefully, with one finger, caressing Ducky's chest. He was glad
that Ducky himself placed Gibbs' hand lower, because he didn't dare to himself.
Ducky had softly whispered to him, sweet words, directions, and Ducky had showed
what he liked himself, on Gibbs' body.
Compared to Ducky's hands, Gibbs' hands must
have felt like sandpaper. In fact, he knew he had raw hands, his ex wives often
complained about it, but Ducky didn't seem to matter.
Their love making had been slow, gentle and
sweet. Gibbs was careful not to hurt Ducky, and Ducky had told him that 'it was
going to hurt a little'. Gibbs had been feeling absolute bliss, his head on
cloud 9, and it was a welcome feeling too, he hadn't felt like that in years,
maybe never.
Ducky had given him a new purpose in life. His
love, and his love he had for Ducky. The lie he had been living in for so long,
had ceased to exist. And it had been his own fault that the lie had existed in
the first place. Times had changed, for the better, and now it was up to Gibbs
to enjoy it. Ducky had finally managed to break through Gibbs' thick skull,
making him think when he was most vulnerable, drunk, sad and depressed. For
that, Gibbs was eternally grateful.
The sun shined again in his life. Ducky, his
star in his own universe. Ducky, an old friend and new lover.