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An occassional collection of news satire and rants. Some of these appeared originally at the on-line news satire site "Glossy News". Canadian Beef Okay If Not Ingested Much to the relief of cattle men across Canada, scientists have determined that Canadian beef is perfectly okay so long as it's not eaten. Max Weinerer of the Canadian Centre for Cow-Type Disorders explained: "We looked at the whole mad cow thing from top to bottom and feel that so long as cow meat is handled carefully, that people make every effort to not ingest beef or beef by-products, then there should be no worries." The question remains, however, just how likely is it that people can avoid eating Canadian beef or beef-type by products? For the answer, we turned to University of Alberta Professor of Bovinology, Klem Ralphenklein. "Partly, people should read the label. If the label says 'Canadian beef' or 'product of Canada' then we suggest not ingesting it. Some of it is common sense," added Ralphenklein, "While some of it is the industry taking care to label things properly. We have a nice label consisting of a picture of an obviously crazed cow with a maple leaf on it that should send the right message to folks." And why would anyone buy Canadian beef if not to eat it? Spence Spinkler of the Canadian Bovine Institute and past-president of the Friends of Beef Society says, "We know it's not appropriate to eat the stuff right now. But, we think many people feel lost without some kind of beef in their shopping cart when they do their weekly grocery shopping. We encourage these folks to grab a steak or two just to avoid suffering withdrawal." Artists for a Beef Filled World also came out in favor of such a plan. "We buy a lot of beef products, mainly for performance art uses," commented Frink Griddenwold, performance artist, mime. "Beef is very maleable and takes quite a while before it begins to stink. So our beef art can stay in public view for a lot longer than say mutton or turkey." Medical experts suggest that if you find you have accidentally ingested some or all of a steak from Canada that you not panic. "It's probably okay," said Bill Smith, who operates Smelly's Diner in Calgary. "We get that all the time. People forget. They order a big steak, or our special double beef burger with chili and bacon, and chow down. Our staff are specially trained to manage those situations. People can either be helped to the nearest washroom to get rid of the product or we offer beef counselling to help them put the experience in context." So, the message is, fear not the beef of Canada. It may not be wise to eat it, but it sure is good to cook some up and smell the sizzling goodnesss or display it in your next art exhibit. The message is that Canadian beef is there to enjoy even if it isn't edible. © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2003
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