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An occassional collection of news satire and rants. Some of these appeared originally at the on-line news satire site "Glossy News". Tradespeople Support Iraqi Action In an unusual show of support, the country's varnish and paint salesman, producers, and wholesalers, along with thousands of other American tradespeople, have come out 100% in favor of action against Iraq. "We've seen the homes in Iraq," said 'Tradespeople for a Fixed Up World' spokesperson Bill "The Painter" Manfred. "They're in desperate need of repair. Some just need a coat of paint or some varnish. Others need major repair work. But can they get the work done? No. So long as Hussein rules the roost we can't fulfill our motto: "A Fixed Up, Not a F*ucked Up World." Added Ben Von Jovi, "VP of Tradespeople International, "Cripes Iraqi's haven't even done the needed repairs from the last conflict yet. It's pathetic. We're idle, they have work to be done. It's crimnal what Hussein is putting his people through." A country desparately in need of handyman services. A workforce ready, willing and able to help. And yet, there is no way to bring the two together in a profitable way so long as Saddam Hussein is in power in Iraq. "With our know how," said Larry Klimmerman, tradesman, "We could sweep across Iraq adding value to the homes of the average Iraqi. We could do it even at cost-plus. That's what hurts the most. Knowing we could and knowing we can't because of that dictator." What's standing in the way? Nothing less than the support of the international community. Support for US action in Iraq is not wholley secured. Big powerful countries, countries noted for their decorating and home handyman prowess (yes, countries like even France), sit on the sidelines waiting for some 'smoking gun.' The inaction of countries like France is devastating to US tradespeople. "The economy here isn't great," commented Alfie Linchburg of Maryland, varnish expert. "Repair work is sparse. Everyone wants brand new. So we need markets. If Hussein were gone, then that opens up another market for tradesfolks like myself and maybe even plumbers. I don't want to go to Iraq and be away from my family for months. But if it's for a good cause, then, by God, it's the American thing to do." And that's why these soldiers of home repair and maintenance have banded together like a family. A family focused on helping their members and their friends to get work in other countries by whatever means possible, and, perhaps, if they're lucky, to make a few bucks. They're hard at work lobbying the UN, lobbying Germany and France. Lobbying Bermuda, the Grand Cayman Islands and Jamaica (tradespeople like the sun and beaches). They're lobbying hard in hopes that one day soon these coverers of wood and other materials, these varnishers and shellackers, these selfless painters, stainers and repairers can hear what they've waited so long to hear. In the words of Trent Blocker of Omaha, painter's helper and advocate, "We're working this hard to hear one thing and one thing only. The one thing we, as tradespeople, know will turn the tide of world opinion and open the door for us to get in there and help fix Iraq. That one thing we need to hear is that 'Jacques Chirac Says Let's Shellack Iraq'. That's it. It's that simple. We're ready, willing and able to help clean up Iraq and increase the value of homes there. But it's all up to the President of France to turn this tide. Who'd of thought? But it's a fact, Jacques." The world waits. Tradespeople wait. Hoping, yearning, pining, some even in pain, waiting for a chance, any chance, to add some sparkle or spackle or shellack to drab Iraqi homes. To help make it a better place. Know this: Your pain is our pain, oh noble tradesfolks. We wait. You wait. Let's all go to Kuwait. © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2003
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