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An occassional collection of news satire and rants. Some of these appeared originally at the on-line news satire site "Glossy News". Gender Balance Approaching 50/50 Having suffered as the only 'xx' in a household full of 'xy's, Virginia Smart of R.I. announced she had begun the process of gender rebalancing through pets. "I had household gender balance once before," commented Smart. "When I was a single parent there was just me and my son. But, as life things happen, you take on a partner of the opposite gender, have another kid, of the opposite gender, and before you know it - bang, its 3 males to one female. Then we added a male dog and, zoom zoom, it's four to one. I was feeling oppressed." So Smart took action. After their male dog passed away Smart began roaming the halls of the local Humane Society searching for gender balance options. Smart said she drew inspiration from the National Organization of Women (NOW) which apparently preaches gender balancing. After hours of wandering the halls, Humane Society staff intervened and helped Smart focus her efforts. They guided her to the female dog area where she found "Shaggy", a female Dachsund/Retriever/something else resembling a Shiatsu cross. "I literally wept when I found her," said Smart, tears welling up. "The thought of redressing years of gender imbalance in my own house and having a companion in arms, so to speak, was almost too hard to believe." Humane Society spokespersons could not be reached for comment, but it is known that they have been active in the gender balancing industry for some time. Spay and neutering is their preferred approach to helping the nation achieve full gender balance. Had Smart considered spay and neutering her own brood of males to bring about a kind of pseudo-gender balance in her own house? "Sure," I'd thought about it," offered Smart. "What woman hasn't when faced with such a horrendous mismatch of males and females. But I'm no 'Lorena Bobbitt'. I couldn't do it. The male of our species generally deserves better than to have their packages lopped off." So, Smart took action that benefits herself, her family, and society at large. NOW says that using pets in the gender balancing equation has been an official approach of their organization since World War II. While Smart says she wasn't aware of this, she says she feels good knowing that she could help so many, just by rescuing a mutt from the Humane Society. "I like simple solutions that yield big results," lisped Smart. "They take very little energy and yet, somehow, make you feel all tingly and warm when it's done." The new female member of the Smart household, "Spits" (because she loves sunflower seeds), preferred not to comment on the situation. However, her incessant barking, chewing of male member's shoes, and the destruction of a favourite football, spoke volumes concerning her role in the gender balancing war. "I know she's with me," stated Virginia Smart, "And that's all I need to know as we fight to even things up just a little. Now if I can just add a female cat, we'll finally get back to that 50/50 male/female balance thing that every woman dreams of and yet seems so darned elusive." All we can say is, "Virginia Smart of R.I. - you go girl!" © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2003
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