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An occassional collection of news satire and rants. Some of these appeared originally at the on-line news satire site "Glossy News". Local Area Man Lost Car Over Past Weekend Sherman Oakes went to the mall to "pick up some more batteries for the kids electronic toys". He claims he parked his white 1994 2-door Dodge Colt - "My othercar is a Mercedes", he joked - in the row with the beaver symbol. He says he was in the mall for, at most, an hour or so. Just enough time to get the batteries (packs of AAA's, AA's and some D and C cells). On his way out of the mall, he stopped at the Starbucks for a double latte capuchinno. "I can't go to the mall and not get one of those. They're fabulous," exclaimed Oakes. According to psychologists it is likely the distraction offered by stopping for the specialty coffee may have been enough to disrupt Oakes' short-term memory neurons. "Just enough such that he would become mildly disoriented after leaving the mall. The caffeine in that coffee could do that," offered Jesus Escobar, PhD., M.A., B.Ad. A.Ss. "Plus, using animals to mark rows is just stupid from an organization perspective. Most people can't tell the difference between a beaver, a bear or a kangaroo on those signs." It appears that getting lost and losing things is inevitable in today's modern malls. "Cripes," exclaimed Oakes, "I've been to this stupid mall a gazillion times, and have never lost my car. Never." Oakes, who turned 45 last fall, says other dumb things have been happening of late, too. "I can't seem to find my keys anymore. They're always somewhere else than where I think they are. My eyeglasses - they're often on top of my head (I only need them for reading). And my favorite baseball cap - the Oakland Raiders one - well, don't even get me started on how often that disappears. So, now it's spread to my car." While several noted theorists put forward the notion that Oakes may be suffering from 'severe post-traumatic alien abduction syndrome (SPAAS), others say Oakes could be the subject of some kind of government conspiracy. Saner heads say Oakes is clearly getting old and suffering from EOS - early onset senility. A problem that can only get worse as the population ages. Mall watchers predict that malls of the future will be filled with 'lost' vehicles. Their advice is that Oakes always take someone with him when he goes to the mall - two heads are better than one. Or, better yet, get a car that's easier to remember like a Hummer. Colt's were good a little car in their day, but they're just that - little, and can often get lost in a sea of vehicles most of which are SUV-size these days. Commented Oakes, "I guess I have to realize I am older now and maybe I need help remembering things." As to suing the mall operators for making it hard to remember where you're car is, said a clearly chagrined Oakes, "Maybe, if that's the only way I'll get them to help me not lose my car again, then I should." © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2003
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