Bringing news satire and more - right to your computer.
Home of the Witnews™ Humor Weekly.
|
| Bringing news satire and more - right to your computer.
|
|
WITNEWS™ EZINE:
Top News Satire at:
Blue Flame
We've got the web's
Toons2
Vote for us @
|
An occassional collection of news satire and rants. Some of these appeared originally at the on-line news satire site "Glossy News". New Threat to American Security Revealed With the implementation of America's new foreign policy of 'first strike' wherever it's deemed necessary, a new threat has been identified. The new threat is perhaps more insidious than other threats since it operates in a nether realm - somewhere between fact and fiction, between the real and the unreal, between the living and the non-living, or post-living or newly exited. Threat experts call this new threat 'Tarot-ism'. And, because this new threat sounds a lot like the threat that took out New York City's World Trade Center, i.e., 'terrorism', and because Geedubya can't tell the difference between the spoken version of either, it has been placed on the enemy 'A-list'. The impact is swift. Now on this list are those who willfully practice the dark art of 'tarot-ism', those who use 'cards' to discern and disarm, and, by happenstance or shear luck, destroy. You may see these purveyors of doom or hope in little booths with drapes for doors or sitting at tables at flea markets or at carnivals. Sometimes they set up in malls full of offbeat retailers. Other times you can only reach them through obscure newspaper ads offering their services, their way of thinking, their 'tarot-ist' zeitgeist, to the unsuspecting, the foolish, or those just wanting to believe in something, anything, regardless of how dangerous, and nation destroying, it may turn out to be. Charged with routing out and ridding the nation of this latest scourge is the Department of Homeland Security. "We're not secure," said a DHS spokesperson. "At least, since neither the FBI, the CIA nor the INS has any history with the threat posed by 'tarot-ism', we are very vulnerable. It sounds a lot like 'terrorism' and, until we know different and without a shadow of a doubt, we'll treat them as pretty much the same thing." What was once an innocent parlor game, a past time for the well to do or the mildly stupid, tarot-ism is officially a national security issue. "We know there's a lot of gray haired ladies who swear this stuff, this tarot-ism, is harmless, not to be given a second thought," offered security advisor I. Ben Dover. "But that's what they want us to believe. These tarot-ists have been operating under the radar for too long. What are they up to? What are they predicting? Are they making us think we're going to get the 'five cups' when we're really facing the 'grim reaper'? Are we being told we're 'the magus' when all the while we're 'the fool'? Will we face 'the devil'? Are we facing 'judgement'? Are we doomed or is there hope?" For some reason, many Washington insiders now believe that 'tarot-ists' and 'terrorists' are inexplicably linked in an effort to destroy America. According to White House insiders, the Tarot, which is practiced by 'tarot-ists', has, like 'terrorism', mysterious origins that are difficult to pin down. 'Tarot-ism' like 'terrorism' could have begun somewhere in the Middle East, or not. No one really knows for certain despite scholarly attempts to find their respective 'homes'. Suffice it to say 'tarot-ism', like 'terrorism' is a worldwide phenomenon. Both are practiced by those trained by others at secretive locations called 'camps' or 'seminars' or, worse, in 'sessions'. Regardless, it is believed that both the 'terrorism' camp and the 'tarot-ism' camp pose a clear and present threat. "We have to fight both," said Lance Bullpit, DHS deputy director general first-secretary uber-officer. "We can fight a two front war. We're ready if we have to. But first, we have to know what it is we're fighting against. With 'terrorism' we know we're fighting people with beards or who are clean-shaven, who sometimes wear hats. But with 'tarot-ism', well, do they wear long beads and have their heads wrapped in scarves or do they just tie their hair back and wear huge earrings? Do they all wear dresses or do some wear pants? There doesn't appear to be a 'typical' tarot-ist so profiling is kind of useless." According to White House watchers, the Bush administration is really up against it in trying to fight 'tarot-ism' and 'terrorism'. "We don't know if they're the same, whether they're working together, or whether the connections are just coincidental," offered Dr. Beau Mandeheim of the University of "Things That Go 'Ni'". "Needless to say, given the economy and the tax cuts, the resources necessary to battle both may not be there. If not, we, my colleagues and I here at U Ni, who have hated the tarot for a long time, say attack the tarot-ists. Rip up their cards, turn over their tables, burn their incense. The time for talk is over. The time for action is now." No one who could speak for all tarot-ists everywhere could be found. However, if a business card with the words "Know the Future" - Tarot Readings, Call 555-6666, found in the garbage next to a Dunkin' Donuts franchise in DesMoines, Iowa, says anything at all, it screams out "What does it all mean?" And if no one knows, it certainly means we have a right to be afraid and a duty to act even if it doesn't make any sense. © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2003
Sign up and get WITNEWS™
WITNEWS™ Humor Weekly is produced by it's
Original material appearing on this site and in Witnews™ is produced
|
Satire Search Headlines
Click here to visit
laughingshop-
Vote for us
Want to eBlast your website?
Backwash
|
|||||||||||||||
