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An occassional collection of news satire and rants. Some of these appeared originally at the on-line news satire site "Glossy News". Man Nearly Starves Waiting for Late Dinner In a frightening, almost tragic, turn of events, Larry Winthrop of Houston, TX, faced near starvation last week when his normally on-time dinner was two hours late. "I guess it wouldn't have been a problem," explained Winthrop, a six foot four, two hundred pound specimen, "If I hadn't forgotten to eat lunch that day. As it was, by the time I got home at five from my job as Head Clerk at Staples (it was inventory day so I was real busy), expecting to see dinner already on the > table, there was nothing. I was a little taken aback." It appears Winthrop may have also been overconfident in his expectation that his wife, Melissa Winthrop, a five foot six, self-described 'blond bombshell' and hairstylist, would have prepared their usual evening meal. "Melissa makes the suppers," said Larry, chewing on a piece of beaf jerky even though it was almost dinner time when this interview took place. "That day was a comedy of errors and mis-communications. I forgot she was at her spinning class after work on that fateful day. So, when I got home and there was nothing ready, I began to worry. Now, usually, when I worry, I reach for food, but this time, I was so concerned about what might have happened to Mel that I forgot to have a snack. I mean, she could have been stuck at work, in a car accident, or she might have got caught up in some terrorist situation. I just didn't know. I was a mess with worry." His wife offered this view of events. "I told Larry three times the day before that I would be late home and wouldn't have time to get dinner on the table. He never listens. Of course, he was watching the Rockets game on TV when I told him this, so it was probably my fault for not making sure I had his attention." What's funny was that Melissa said she joked about Larry not listening to her with her customers that very same day. "Customers listen. I mean, they have to 'cause they're stuck in the styling chair. So I was all 'Larry doesn't do this...' and 'Larry doesn't do > that...' and so on. It seems really funny now." At this point, Larry doesn't think the two hour wait for dinner left a lasting mark on his life. "I was pretty hungry by the time Mel got dinner on, that's for sure. I had the gurgling stomach, I felt weak, and somewhat disoriented. But I survived the wait. And it was worth it. I love mac and cheese and Mel made an extra good batch." Concluded Larry, "I now have a real appreciation for those folks in other countries who have to go without a meal or two. It's pretty painful. I won't forget, no matter what's going on, or what I'm worrying about, to eat my lunch or have a pre-dinner snack again. It isn't worth it." © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2003
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