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An occassional collection of news satire and rants. Some of these appeared originally at the on-line news satire site "Glossy News". Festive Takeover Bid In a move that has stunned Wall Street insiders, now that the 2002 festive season is over, ToothFairy Inc. and Easter Bunny FSG Co. have joined forces in an attempt to reduce the market share held by Jolly St. Nicholas Co. Ltd. o/a S. Claus. The fairytale industry has struggled for many years to create a meaningful distinction between the many seasonal fairy-tale style events that are run each year. According to a spokesperson for Toothfairy Inc., people, especially kids, just aren't believing in the same way they had in the past. They blame S. Claus for this development. "S. Claus, a fat blowhard with unlimited resources, now starts his season sometime in August," said an angry unnamed shareholder of Easter Bunny FSG. "That's at least 20% sooner than five years earlier. Claus is trying to dominate the market place and crowd out all other seasonal fantasy-based providers." In what has been described as a hostile move, E. Bunny and T. Fairy have joined forces to push back S. Claus and reclaim their positions in the seasonal fantasy market. "We're not saying there shouldn't be a Claus or anything like that," said Bill "I Believe" Smith, attorney for Toothfairy. "We're just saying, "Back off, Fatso" we have rights, too." Analysts predict a fierce battle as the three heavy weights weigh into what can only be described as an attorney's dream case. Sali Vate of the law firm Durshbagowhizz, Skummbagg, and Slime, noted expert on fantasy law, said that this kind of industry shakeup has been coming for some time. "The different fantasy service providers have been stepping on each other toes for some time, but generally without incident." Clearing his throat and then spitting some kind of gross green thing into his wastebasket, Vate went on to say, "When the North Amercian Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) was signed the traditional demarcations between the different fantasy makers began to erode, religious connections weakened, and public support slid. This was made worse by the South American New Trade Agreement (SANTA) signed in 1999." "SANTA got our blood boiling," said Griff Griffen of E. Bunny. "We immediately put our legal team on it to try and see what avenues were available to us in the international market place to push S. Claus back into its place, but it was more difficult than we thought." It turns out that the areas within which the three bold fantasy purveyors operate exist out of tradition, not out of any legally binding agreement or other internationally recognized law. This means that there is no jurisprudence to guide the providers in their work. "Season creep" as Toothfairy workers call it, was only a matter of time and has been getting worse. Halloween, a bystander in the battle, has had to move its season back so that it starts in late June instead of the traditional September push. "Santa Claus starts sending out stuff in July and August, E. Bunny crowds out Valentine's Day, and Toothfairy, well, everyone knows Toothfairy is under capitalized and, well, pixie dust and magic wand reserves are dwindling," says a spokesperson for the SEC. "Market share isn't what it used to be with declining numbers in key demographics, followed by an upswing in tooth care, which have put Toothfairy on shakey ground." It was a natural for E. Bunny to hop into the situation with both feet and join up with Toothfairy to take on the jolly red giant. For most stock watchers, they are surprised that more fantasy providers haven't joined in, such as the admired stalwart, Hal O. Ween Ltd., who have, for the moment decided to sit on the sidelines waiting to see who's going to come out on top. "One thing is certain," comments, Letz Milkit, bond person, "Things will get uglier before they get better. I see Toothfairy and E. Bunny really having to marshall all their resources, share and reputation capital, to mount any kind of meaningful attack on S. Claus. Claus has been around a long time. They've seen this before, like back in medieval times when various upstart churches waged the massive, territorial, and blood thirsty belief crusades against the ancient world-view providers, Buddah and Mohammed. There's no doubt they'll be in it for the long haul. No one messes with the big red machine without a drawn out, take-no-prisoners style fight." Will the two upstarts be successful in pushing back S. Claus into a less ubiquitous place creating one big giant fantasy provider, or perhaps two rather large ones? Only time and the US and World trade regulation bodies, excessive legal bills, and huge share profits will tell. One thing is certain, AOL and Disney will sit by waiting to reap the licensing and broadcasting spoils. © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2005
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