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An occassional collection of news parody. Some of these appeared originally at the on-line news satire site "Glossy News". Discovery Means More Time For Everyone A new development in science has business leaders and those of advanced age excited beyond belief. While studying 'time', a group of scientists at the JPL Labs in California have discovered more time than anyone imagined. The potential of this discovery is not fully worked out, but for business it means getting even more work done and for the aged it could mean living longer or at least allowing some more time for their asset base to grow so that their children have a real inheritance instead of the pittance most are expecting. According to JPL scientists, life consists of 'time moments'. What they discovered is that there are 'gaps' between 'time moments'. These 'gaps' constitute unused, yet very available 'time units' that can be used to increase productivity, complete additional projects, or simply do another task or take part in some other activity. "You add up these gaps between time moments and, for some folks," says scientist Bill Marsoupiel, "They may get up to an additional 2 or 3 hours a day. It varies by individual, but it can be substantial." The science here is not easily explained since it involves quantum physics and hand wound time pieces. Needless to say, to these breakthrough scientists, finding more time is really a boon to everyone. "Who hasn't wanted more time with their kids, spouse, friends, family, or conversely, who hasn't wanted more time away from these people. Understanding 'time moment gaps' will give you that time either way," says Rank Ammatour, scientist assistant at JPL. "We noticed over quite a period of time (including gaps in that time) that many of us here do stuff, but that we often don't do stuff when we're between activities," explained Ferdinand Munchousinge, Assistant Upper Level Coordinator of Time Research. "Simply, in lay terms, the space of nothingness between activities is what we call a 'time moment gap'." Of course, the question on everyone's mind is 'when will a self-help book be published so people can take advantage of their personal 'time moment gaps'? "There are some kinks to work out, but we think that a book, audio tape, and some learning aids should be ready for the Christmas season, or even Ramadan, if we're lucky," said Director of Time Moment Gap Marketing, Shelly Seazonal. While some economists are shaking their heads at this discovery (or pseudo-discovery as some - we'll call them whiners - have called it), many believe it is the kind of breakthrough discovery that will help put America back at the top of the world econcomic growth chart. Even the Federal Reserve has made some noise about factoring 'time moment gaps' into its assessment of business activity. What is certain, however, is that 'time moment gaps' - what some hail as the most exciting discovery about time since Stephen Hawking tried to tell us what time was and left people still trying to figure out what he was saying - will become the new topic of conversation at sales time share conferences, Type 'A' Personality symposiums, 'You're Okay 'Cause I have More Time' workshops, and talk shows including those on lame TV channels like MSNBC. And what's even better news for most, it sounds like the average person will now have all the time they'll need to catch up on their backlog of TiVo recordings. Because, in the end, that's what time moment gaps mean, no more backlogs. Now if they could just apply it to rush hour traffic they may have something even more valuable. © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2003
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