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An occassional collection of news satire and rants. Some of these appeared originally at the on-line news satire site "Glossy News". Xmas Stalking The annual festive season is a difficult one for many people. Those who are single, or away from family and friends, or those who are serving their country in a far off place and sleeping with prostitutes to try and make themselves feel better - all can feel real pain at this time of year (some pain being caused by an unfortunate venereal disease). However, none of these compare in their troubles to those experienced by your average stalker. If you are one of these people you should know you are not alone in your time of need. Many people who are stalkworthy have gone home for the holidays, or taken a trip to parts unknown, or have simply shut down for the season, not to be seen until Ground Hog Day when they pop out again to see their shadow. There just are not the same number of people around for you to stalk. Sure, security guards abound, but they take exception to stalking, especially at Christmas. The police definitely see stalking in a negative light (for their own, often legal, reasons). And department store Santas - well, they may appear to be jolly, but that's a facade or a charade or whatever, that you should not, I repeat, you should not test with a little Kris Kringle stalking activity. If caught he'll 'jolly' your *ss right out the door. What the holiday season means is that for you, a Christmas Stalker, you need to be more strategic. You need to do your stalking with care. You need to hang with other stalkers perhaps. You need to put yourself out there in a safe way. Stay away from bright flashing multi-colored lights - they allow for easy recognition. Avoid, monstrous displays of illuminated gnomes, reindeer, and sleighs - again, too much light aides identification. Steer clear of reflective wear and do not wear red and white in combination - you'll stick out like a sore thumb in a lineup. Try to avoid celebrities. They're uppity and prone to calling the police, getting restraining orders, and refusing to let you grab your stuff before kicking you out of their home. These are just a few tips for doing your Christmas Stalking. Remember: you have a right to be outside, walk in a mall, drive on the street, ride a bus. So what if you're doing this at the same time as that person everyone thinks you're hounding. You have rights. And this holiday season be sure and take care of YOU. Stalk an average person. Pretend it's off season and you're just doing a little recon, or a little practice, to stay fresh, to keep your game on, to stay loose. Make this Chrismas Stalking season a season to remember. © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, all rights reserved 1998-2003
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