| Nancy shares her process... Posted 8/01 Friday evening I was preparing for a perfectly good wallow in darkness gloom and doom when my mentor calls and ruins it. (snort) After I got off the phone with her, I attempted to recapture the whole bleakness of it all and failed miserably having realized what place I was in my process. Somewhere in the first lesson it advises us to be aware of the flow of our internal process so we can use our resistance to an advantage. I recognized that in my flow I always hit a place of resistance that acts like depression gloom doom everything sucks etc. etc. Then I wallow in it until my life starts to fall apart then I buckle down and work through it (out of self preservation) On the other side of what feels like the end of the world for me is a incredible golden zone that I just love being in. So this time I skipped the really yucky part and went right to the buckling down part/golden zone part. I advise working through resistance this way – it’s less like stepping on a rake and smacking yourself in the face repeatedly. At this point in my work I have been looking for some answers. I’m looking for why I find myself repeatedly in the position of either the victim or holding the bag for everyone. It seems like all of my major relationships romantic and work alike start out beautiful and strong then suddenly nose-dive straight to hell in a hand cart. Again and again I’m left wondering how the heck did that happen? In a effort to understand this I have been opening myself up and trooping through my past uncovering more and more painful experiences, guilt, abandonment, loss, etc. Looking for parallels and connections. I had realized that my children are looking for something I do not know how to give myself, let alone them. Love, ACCEPTANCE and energy. But even in realizing this I was still in a loss HOW to fix it. My mentor also told me a couple weeks ago that I leak energy like a sieve. It felt like these things were swirling around me seemingly attached to nothing, jumping out at me, making me an emotional triggerfest, no real rhyme reason on connection. Basically I was a process piñata. So rather than continue this mess - I buckled down to get to the bottom of it. I don’t want to continue smacking myself with these rakes. After doing temple I opened myself to what I needed to learn and felt "led" to re-reading my lessons and making some notes. (Lesson notes here) Realization of this potential requires letting go of the idea of Power as something separate from the self. Two main ways in which this power is lost 1. Giving away the responsibility for who you are. Blaming others for who what and where we are. 2. Accepting power over another person. Creating the dangerous illusion that your power is separate from yourself - leaving yourself open to having your power withdrawn or turned against you by anyone who recognizes this separation. The judge waits at the gate of every transformation, taunting you with images of past failures and losses. Use the Judge to recognize these patterns (End Lesson Notes now) So I ask myself, “Do I do this? Do I give up my power? Do I accept other peoples power?” Hmmmmm - Ill be darned. I not only do it - I have devoted my life to doing it. I am a power giving up colossus - I do it at work, I do it with lovers, I do it with my family. And I know WHY I do it! My family has an incredibly strong work ethic. As a child I misunderstood what I was taught. I was TAUGHT that if you wanted to succeed at something you must work as hard as you can at that thing. What LEARNED was that if I wanted to succeed at the things that are important to me I must GIVE IT MY ALL. This explains why things start out strong for me and then nose-dive. Before I commit myself to something I am centered and in my own power. My energy is mine and I am directing it. I feel good, whole, happy. That’s what attracts people and situations to me. Then when I commit myself to something I devote myself to it and "give it my all" this is when I start to feel like, I really want this to work so I will do what ever it takes to meet the needs of the project or keep the other person happy, promptly turning over my energy to the other person or people involved. This is the division that has left me open to be exploited, victimized, abused etc. When I am not doing this I am accepting power over others - not because I want to dominate, I was thinking wow - they must really trust me to give me this measure of trust - they must really believe in me. I must be a really good person for to do this- wrong. I was creating an opening by which to be exploited - hurt - and blamed, demonized. I realized that I had put my power into the hands of my children and felt resentment and anger at THEM for that. And I had done so because I wanted to be a devoted mother and "give it my all" Because I had thought doing my best meant giving up my energy, my life, my choices. I realized that I had been resisting my growth as a parent and trying to find ways to avoid the full acceptance of that energy. Including elaborate things that I did with the children to be a good parent but actually used to avoid truly connecting with them. I had been working AGAINST the flow of this process like a student resisting her growth in Sheya. So THAT’S why it hurt so much. This is BALANCE, this is self-protection, this is boundaries, this is claiming my energy and its use, this is Maggah. What an incredible realization for me! That my power is mine to do with as I chose, that these things HAVE BEEN HAPPENING FOR A REASON, and that I could control this. There was no need to be a process piñata. Imagine smacking yourself over and over with that same rake and wishing and praying and begging it to stop but not knowing how to not step on it again. Continued... Back to More About Sheya Donna's Article Kenn's Article Home Sheya Transformation Shamanism LumensGate Books Links Articles |