News of the Screws : The LATEST NotS

The NotS staff apologise for the lateness of this issue of the official TOSA / HTOTW newsletter but there is a very valid reason which we will now attempt to bluff you wi... er... explain.

Not too long ago, we [the NotS staff] were invited to a party at the Temple Of Sensual Awareness itself. Suffice to say that the Shrinemaster [or someone] had spiked the buzz juice cocktails that were being served there, and for the next couple of weeks we were all hallucinating. Heck we even wrote this article for NotS:

"It is told in ancient Greek mythology, that Herakles was killed by the blood of the centaur Nessos after he deceived Deianeira who loved the hero. The supposed love-potion was dabbed onto a cloak sent to Herakles but infact it turned out to be a deadly poison, burning and tearing at the flesh of the great man. It had been foretold that Herakles would die by someone already dead, and so it turned out that the Centaur Nessos was this being indeed.

Why am I telling you this? Well a strange prophecy was told to followers of the Sutra at the Temple of Passionate Seduction last month just before Father Inwego Jones left. Jones left the interpretation of the prophecy in the hands of HET who has been trying to locate the centaur ever since, as the prophecy seems to point to the death of the Shrinemaster, High Priest of TOSA.

In an insane twist of events, the body of a dead centaur has been left on the steps of the TOSA Temple itself, and some witnesses claim it was left there by the Shrinemaster! What can this all mean?

We reported last month that the High Priest had gone missing and was presumed trying to help the rescue efforts going on at the behest of Freija, in regards to the girl known as Feowyn. Since then, several strange incidents regarding the Shrinemaster have been noted by our NotS Editorial and Journalistic Investigative team."

BUT THEN we recovered from the hangover and realised it had all been a strange dream. We have no idea who spiked the buzz juice, but as incisive temple journalist hacks we intend to reveal all in the November issue of NotS. Watch this space.

Well, it's all go at the HTOTW Compound, I can tell you! We've had a feeling something's being brewing for some time now, and we have prepared ourselves for the worst.
Recent events concerning the Shrinemaster's disappearing acts, the dead centaur and other misdeeds (see lead story, above) made us sit down and have a good sesh over several crates of Elderflower wine. Our Admiral ach Eryi told us a little while back to ready ourselves, because we could be called on at any moment to defend TOSA and its allies against general bad stuff! And so we did, in our inimitable style.

First, we got in a few of the latest Hamster movies (Windhamsters, Pearl Hamster, etc.), cracked open a few beers and threw some popcorn. Just to get ourselves in the mood, do you see?

Next, we got our collapsable table tennis table, which we use as a map of our operations - y'know, where our squads are, where the enemy is and so on. We like to use the houses and hotels from your standard Human Monopoly board as buildings, and special edition minitures from tabletop gaming (e.g. Warhammer 40K) to represent ourselves and the opposition. This way, we know what we're going to do, where we're going to go and who we're going to take down next. Planning is the professional military organisation's best friend! Although sometimes, it's just as fun to go with the flow and see what happens.

So, we had a bit of chat, and Torqhamstermada confirmed to us what we'd heard buzzing around the Compound corridors: the Shrinemaster's gone somewhat cuckoo, and is probably a bit dangerous, so we have to step up the guard around the Temples. We're like, "Yeah! Alright! ACTION!!", but a telecon from the Admiral told us that this was most likely the worst thing that could ever happen to the World of Shrine, and that we'd better be on our best behaviour - no fireworks, we were told. So we grumbled a bit, but the Admiral's given us extra rations of nibble sticks, so we can't complain, really. Although some of the Hamsters have. They think they're going to die, but I told them, "Don't worry. The Admiral won't let that happen!" Still, we are all quite concerned, frankly.

To be honest, we've no idea what's gotten into your leader guy. We don't really care. All we know is, there's trouble ahead, and where there's trouble, we've been informed we have to be there, regardless of our own personal fears.

I'm not really allowed to go into what we'll be using against any possible attack on the Temples, but rest assured, we'll do our damn Hamsterin' best to save you guys!!

Captain Chuzzwazzer is the leader of the HTOTW Air Corps. He told the NotS the Air Corps are planning a special flypast over the Temple of Sensual Awareness in the coming months. We'll keep you informed of the schedule as and when we have it.

LIMITED TICKETS AVAILABLE TO GLAM CONCERT

The latest stop on the crazee world tour of glamrocking TOSA legend the King of the Rumbling Spires is Outer Mongolia. Fresh from his successful gig in the Pitcairn Islands, and freed after a night in jail for an alleged fracas involving one of the HMS Bounty tour guides after a late night gambling session which actually was never proven, he now has been invited to play at the Erdenezuu Monastry at Karakorum in Mongolia.

Apply for your tickets at Ye Olde Sex Shoppe in the TOSA Temple Basement before supplies run out. Tickets cover cost of accommodation, concert entry, and travel expenses. For an additional fee to the temple coffers, you can apply to travel to Karakorum via the portal upstairs in the temple, saving you the journey via aeroplane to Ulan-Bator.

Example of Airflight : New York to Tokyo, Tokyo to Beijing, Beijing to Ulan-bator... is it really worth it if you can use the portal?

Once there, if you want to watch the 3rd concert in this world tour, then the best way is to catch a bus in the early morning [lunch provided but no toilet stops sadly]. You will arrive at the Erdenezuu Monastery which was built in 1586 upon the ruins of the ancient city of Karakorum.

The monastery happens to be the first Buddhist Center in Karakorum founded by a good friend of the King known as Abtai Sain Haan. For the more spiritually enlightened TOSAn, you may wish to note that the temples contain a valuable collection of writings and holy objects. You will have accommodation provided overnight in Ger at Karakorum Camp.

The following day, you will drive to Bayangobi resort visiting the sand dunes and horse breeding family. The scenary is breathtaking, with a combination of Mongolian forested mountains and desert-like landscape. Staying at the camp for one night before your return to Ulan-Bator airport you will be located at the edge of the sand dunes for that added bit of romance should you desire it.

Pitcairn Island Concert

Map of Mongolia showing
location of Karakorum

Click to enlarge in new window

The Erdenezuu Temple

Ulan-Bator Airport

Okay, so all the wierd f***ed up s*** has been happening this last month, what with the Shrinemaster going spare, dead mythical beasts, the Mudpit disappearance and so on. Alrighty then, we thought to ourselves, let's bring down the tone a tad and let mass wierdness out. So here for your delight and delectation, are a handful of recent bizarre reports from around the globe.

*Sophia Reitan fell and broke her arm when a Pentecostal Upper Room Tabernacle minister pushed the evil spirits from her forehead, and no one caught her when she swooned backward; she settled with the church for $80,000 (Dix Hills, N.Y., February). And even though Clarence Cromwell, 29, fully confessed to police that he had killed a man, a judge in Brooklyn, N.Y., set him free because officers forgot to read him his Miranda rights (May). And according to a police report in the Hesperia (Calif.) Star: "An elderly man who lived on the 10700 block of 'G' Avenue suffered a heart attack while engaged in sexual intercourse and died April 2." [New York Post, 2-5-02] [New York Post, 5-22-02] [Hesperia (Calif.) Star, 4-9-02]

*In a three-month period this summer, three 5-foot-long sturgeons have jumped from Florida rivers directly onto anglers, sending them to hospitals with injuries (all together: a cracked sternum, five broken ribs, two collapsed lungs, several broken teeth and various lacerations). According to a wildlife expert, sturgeons are docile, have no predators, and apparently jump only "because they can." [Miami Herald, 8-12-02]

*Top Channel 4 punmeister and media icon, Richard Whiteley, was today unmasked as Osama bin Laden's sleeping go-between in his war on western civilisation. Whiteley, 57, whose teatime show is required viewing by several thousand decrepit pensioners and a lost goat, has been accused of sending messengers to Al-Quaeda through a succession of weak puns and dubious anagrams. Suspicions were raised on the 10 September edition when the solution to the condrum NOWNYBOMB was revealed by CIA intelligence experts in dictionary corner as BOMB-NY- NOW. These suspicions were confirmed when the lovely Carol spent several episodes dressed in Khimar and the number 666 was given as the solution to the numbers game. Whiteley has now secured his Channel 4 base and is thought to be all but impregnable, but long-time rival Johnny Ball has said he is prepared to go in after Whiteley, armed only with a pen and paper, and a small pocket calculator.

*A man sued his doctor because he survived his cancer longer than the doctor predicted.
*Two robbers were in the process of their crime when one changed his mind and arrested the other.
*A woman had her husband's ashes made into an egg timer when he died so he could still "help" in the kitchen.
*Only 68 of 200 Anglican priests polled could name all Ten Commandments, but half said they believed in space aliens.

These stories 'liberated' from the Brains Trust, MSNBC - News of the Wierd and This is True...