"If I could turn back time If I could find the way

I'd take back those words that hurt you

And you'd stay

--Cher "If I Could Turn Back Time" (From album "Heart of Stone")

====================================================

"Good morning, Si Ye." Yu Her said brightly as she entered the guest room with a tray of food.

Qian Long did not answer but continued to stare straight ahead. On the table was a letter and an envelope. Instinct told Yu Her that something was very wrong and had it was something to do with the letter. She was suddenly aware this letter was very different from the previous letters from Fu Heng and Long Do; their letters came in ordinary-looking envelopes. This gold edged envelope had intricate patterns painted on it and the quality of the paper looked expensive. What was it about this letter that had made Si Ye so tense?

"Si Ye…what…what’s wrong?"

"It’s a letter," he said tersely, "From Beijing."

"Oh."

"It’s the Empress Dowager. She wants me to return. At once." Qian Long hesitated, "Yu Her, there is something I have to tell you. The Empress Dowager is my mother."

"I know that."

"My mother is a very old-fashioned woman…" Qian Long was not sure how to proceed next.

"So?" She prompted.

"She is rather set in her ways. She believes that…never mind," Qian Long decided to be blunt. "The point is you can’t go to Beijing with me. I mean not now."

"What? Why?" She was shocked. "Why can’t I go with you now? But…but you promised!"

"Yu Her, you don’t understand…"

"Then make me understand!" She looked at him pleadingly.

Qian Long explained, "The Qing Imperial Laws stipulate that intermarriages between Manchu and Han commoners are not allowed. I would be breaking the law if I made you my Gui Ren now."

"Because I’m only a Han commoner?" Yu Her looked at him with disbelief. "But…you…you didn’t mention it when…when…we…we…were together * that * night…" She faltered and looked away.

He looked at her guiltily. "Yu Her, I…" He approached her.

Shoving him away, Yu Her ran from the room, teary eyed, hurt and confused.

**********

After searching high and low, Qian Long eventually found her. She was in the pavilion where he had first confessed his feelings for her, some two months ago. She looked so pale, so fragile that a gust of wind would have blown her away.

"Yu Her." Qian Long quickly embraced her. Yu Her visibly stiffened but did not push him away.

"Your Majesty," she said dully and looked away.

Stricken, Qian Long said, " Yu Her, please. If there were no letter from the Empress Dowager, we would be returning to Beijing with Ke Sun, Long Do and Fu Heng. But this is different. It’s my mother, the Empress Dowager who’s *personally * summoning me back."

She said nothing.

"If I brought you back now, she would despise you because you’re a Han and a commoner. Worse, she would think you ensnared me," Qian Long attempted to justify his decision." And she could make life unbearable, even *dangerous * for you in the palace."

Yu Her remained silent and still refused to look at him. Qian Long thought he might as well been talking to a tree stump.

"Yu Her, when I get back to Beijing, I’ll personally see to it that you’ll be Tai Qi. Then we can be together. Forever." Qian Long was desperate.

"Don’t go. Stay." Yu Her’s voice was so soft, that it was nearly masked by the gentle rustle of the autumn breeze.

"Yu Her, you know I can’t do that. I would be shirking my responsibility to the Great Qing Empire, the people and…"

In a trembling voice, Yu Her looked at him," Please, don’t go. I…I can’t bear the thought of you leaving me. I fear once you leave, I…I’ll never see you again." Her voice wavered and her vision blurred.

Qian Long gently wiped away the tears in her eyes.

Yu Her managed to regain her composure. "I…I daren't hope your love for me will be as timeless as the heavens. My love for you is eternal but I only fear that Your Majesty's love is like that of a dragonfly dipping in the ponds. And I…I…will end up waiting for you forever…"

Qian Long was devastated at these words and her use of "Your Majesty". Did she really distrust him that much? He swore not to let her down.

Yu Her continued, "Your Majesty, remember these words:

A gentleman is a solid rock,

A lady is only a cattail,

A cattail is pliable as silk,

But the rock remains unshakable and steady."

Qian Long nodded, taking in every word she said. Then without warning, she turned and began walking quickly away from him.

"Yu Her! Wait!" He caught up with her. "Yu Her, I promise I’ll come back for you," Qian Long then stressed, "I’ll come for you within three months. I’ll Tai Qi for you and your parents. Then you’ll be able to enter the palace as my Gui Ren, no, as my Fei."

Yu Her said nothing but only looked at him sadly. Qian Long was shocked at what he saw. Her beautiful eyes, which once danced with humour, mischief and life, were now dull and lifeless. Even her hair, once silky and shiny, now appeared lustreless and hung limply.

After what seemed a long time, Qian Long took Yu Her’s hand and gently led her back to the pavilion. There, they sat together in silence, watching the autumn scenery before them.

**********

"Yu Her, this is for you." Qian Long took out a painting scroll.

"Thank you, Mr.Ai." She accepted the scroll without much enthusiasm.

Qian Long was suddenly angry. In the last few days they had left together, Yu Her still refused to call him "Si Ye" and now she was treating his gift like a worthless bauble. Then he felt guilty for feeling like this. She had every reason to behave the way she was behaving now-he had promised her many things, had taken advantage of her naivete, and now he was making her wait for him. Qian Long approached her to embrace her one last time.

She stepped back. "Mr.Ai, you had better be going now, everyone else is ready to go." Then Yu Her abruptly turned away and ran into the house, so that Qian Long would not see the tears in her eyes.

Qian Long stood, rooted to the spot. Finally, he sighed deeply and got into the horse carriage with Fu Heng and Long Do. They knew better than to ask what had happened. Fu Heng signalled Ke Sun to move on, and they began to make their way back to Beijing.

*********

From her room window, Yu Her watched the horse carriage move further and further away from her home. With every step of the horse, she thought she could hear her heart breaking.

A wave of nausea and dizziness swept over her. Yu Her staggered and leaned against the wall for support. She had been meaning to tell him about the baby, but had finally decided against it. It would have been selfish of her to use their child to keep him here.

But as she watched the carriage disappear, she wondered if she had made the correct decision.